I feel as though I am on a rollercoaster that is dipping and turning and twisting at lighting speed and all I am trying to do is hold on for dear life. The dippings and turnings and twists are all the emotional feelings that I am having at the moment and honestly speaking I just want it to end. I sometimes feel like I am bordering on the brink of a depressive like state and I am really clinging to the hope that this horrible feelings and uncertainty will come to an end soon. It's hard being optimistic in a world that is filled with cynicsm and hate.

So T fetched me on Monday evening. His plans that he was going on about the whole week was dinner at Vilamoura. The whole dining experience was stunning and everything was perfect except that the entire evening was somewhat bittersweet. An anniversary is supposed to mark the day of your union and to celebrate the love that is shared between a couple. Well what was there to celebrate? The fact that we are apart and have this huge barrier of issues between us leaves nothing to celebrate. Anyway we spoke at length about all the issues and I was honest and upfront with him. He keeps alluding to the fact that I don't want to come home. I told him that I am not ready to come home, am really scared to trust him and need some kind of confirmation that whatever happened over the past few months will not happen again. Well we agreed to take one day at a time and take things slowly.

The evening ended for me on really low note. While it was great to re-connect I felt like Cinderella returning home from the ball when I got home. Yes the evening was great and sweet and I was impressed by the effort that he put into the evening but as he dropped me off, I was assaulted by the harsh reality that him and I are apart. I know that we agreed to take one day at a time and I know that I am not ready to trust him or even go back home to him. If I do go back and decide to give this another shot, I don't want to go back with baggage and doubt. It wont be fair to me or him. However the doubts niggle at me constantly and since we are apart I find this one day at a time really crappy territory. How do we work on a marriage when we are apart and although going back is an option, to work on our issues together there are still other issues like his family that need to be resolved.

I feel that T doesn't really understand the true reasons why I left. Or he understands the reasons but doesn't really want to take responsiblity for his actions that led me to leave in the first place. He blames me for leaving and says that I shouldn't have left, and marriage is all about for better or for worse. I keep reminding him that the situation became too hard for me to bear and I didn't just leave at the first sign of trouble. He admits to having a part in all of this crap but I am grappling with the fact that if he can't see how his actions or his family's interference in our marriage led to this, the chances of this happening again are pretty high. Although he seems remorseful and wants to make right, I keep questioning his sincerity and whether he really wants me back or if he is just fulfilling his father's wishes. Also he confessed to feeling torn and in between and he said that eventually them complaining about me all the time just became too much for him to handle. However that needs to be addressed cos they can begin with issues at any time and than all this will start all over again. I know that I need to take a stand and say what I feel and what I want. In that way he can know my feelings and if he wants to stand up and fight for this marriage than he needs to prove it. Right now we are skirting around issues and pretending to chat and laugh and make idle banter when what are we going to do sort out the issues that surround us and make this marriage work. I feel that for him just a phone call is enough whereas since we are married and not just dating there should be more we can do to repair the rift. I questioned him on Wednesday night when he called me at 11pm after not a word from him the entire day. What about spending time together, going for coffee, the movies or just doing random things. I feel very insecure and uncertain and am not sure if I can even trust him. Honestly speaking I get the feeling that T is stalling. Stalling about the baby, the holidays, his family, unable to make a decision???? Not sure. On the one hand he is there talking and trying to repair the damage but on the other hand, there are times when the defenses are up and the hard exterior is up again.

I feel in conflict with myself. Do I take the one day at a time approach and see where that leads to or do I take the bull by the horns, tell him exactly what I want and gage his reaction from there. Honestly speaking the one day at at time approach is driving me pretty nuts. Than there is the issue of me feeling torn between my family and him. On the one hand there is my marriage and the vows that I took and on the other hand there is my family who are insistent that I should just call it a day and move on. How do I throw away 8 years of history. Yes that history is pretty colourful, but whose history isn't. I am just so tired of all this crap. I feel so conflicted in the sense that even though he hurt me and damaged the trust that I had in him, there is still this part of me that cares very deeply for him.

Decisions and more decisions. I keep praying and hoping that whatever happens must be for the betterment (not sure if that is even a word, but it makes sense to me right now) of myself. I am not prepared to go through what I went through these past few months. If T cannot see it than fine with me. I won't settle for second best. I feel quite strongly about certain things, I am just weary about vocalizing them.

I feel really sad at times that things are like this. I never in my wildest dreams thought that things would come to this. T and I always got each other but suddenly I am faced with him being a total stranger and a stranger that I don't like. I feel sad that I got married and made a life with T in good faith and all those plans were ruined. I feel angry that his mother and sister a.k.a The Vipers get to get away with this. They have been the reason that the dad has had several altercations with different people; family and friends. So now it's my turn. I feel angry and disillusioned at T, who I thought was different but who has ended up disappointing me to such a large degree. I am such a mixed bag of emotions and most days are filled with screw-ups, fuck-ups, decisions and paralysing fear.

Why is the question. The reason the Almighty knows. But the questions still remain.....

Terrified

A year ago today I woke up to walk down the aisle and become Mrs T. When I said my I do's and signed the Nikah certificate, little did I know that a year down the line, I would be back home and wondering what the fuck happened and where did it all go so wrong. A month and a half ago when I came back, I was dreading the day. I planned to take the day off, take a sleeping pill and spend the day in sleep induced oblivion. About a week ago I decided that screw it, I will come to work and block out the day. As the sun rises and sets on a normal day, so too will the sun rise and set on the 14th of December 2009.

I have been pleasantly surprised since last week when T began calling. Suddenly in all the banter and chit chat and making plans for today. I am not sure what he's got planned (not sure if it's anything worth getting excited about) and although my tummy is filled with butterflies I can't help but feel a little apprehensive that it all might just go pear-shaped and come crashing down like a pack of cards. I am scared, terrified, a lil excited and worried. I want to be able to resolve some issues, not sure if I should take things in bite sized chunks or take the bull by the horns and address all the issues. I just don't want things to turn out into a huge fight.

I am surprised that he is even making plans. My family is not convinced and are quite unhappy. I don't blame them. T has hurt me in such vile ways these past few months so I understand their misgivings. Infact I have misgivings of my own. I am scared and terrified and I know that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed or resolved and I am hoping against hoping that we will be able to resolve these issues and come to some sort of compromise or whatever one calls it. Do I bite the bullet and address them all tonight or do I take the baby steps and resolve them one issue at a time. The latter sounds like a better option to me. Besides the last thing I want to do is lay blame and accuse. I just want him to understand and make him aware of what's what. If he cannot compromise and understand than fine, at least I know that I have tried.

I am terrified.....

Balloons

Create Understanding

So I am functioning on very little sleep. T decided to call me at 11:00 and we only put the phone down at 1:15. Gosh I am tired. We spoke about stuff, but we really didn't get into the real dynamics of our issues which are his family. How do I broach that subject? I don't want to sound accusatory but I want him to understand how their feelings and issues towards me ultimately led to the problems between us. He keeps asking when am I coming home? Well that would depend solely on whether things have changed or not. I don't want to go back and all the same issues are still present and I still have to pressurise myself into pleasing everybody.

I am grappling with how to put these things on the table and make him understand. I don't want to sound as though I am accusing him or blaming him. I just want to create understanding. Ideally I would prefer us to get our own place, away from his family. I am not sure if that is even possible, since we have this home but there are just too many complications being there. I need to really sit down and decide what about being there used to make me miserable. I cannot go back to live there and do the same things.

Maybe since we talking we need to identify what led to all this in the first place. Yes there is the baby issue but there were many other issues that led to where we are right now. I am worried about doing the right thing. I don't want to accept the newfound attention and ending up at square one a few months down the line or fail at making him understand how I feel and let all this go without really trying. As my therapist said - I need to know that I have exhausted all avenues. Cos the last thing a person wants is to live with regret. All I want is for T to understand where I am coming from. I for one am not saying that I am blameless, yes maybe I was too rigid and maybe I did take his feelings or wants for granted. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.

I'm going to try and list all the things that upset me about him and the life that we led for the last year and I would like him to do the same. Hopefully we can achieve some sort of common ground and understanding through that. I will try and try and hope for the best. That is the only way. I think!!!!

The Present

If ever I knew the meaning of the word blue Monday, it was yesterday. I woke up feeling really drained and the early morning sugar rush just left me feeling really crappy. And than the phone call when I got to work which really, really unnerved me. Yes T called wanting to see me. I was hard-assed, he was hard-assed and the entire conversation just sucked. He needs to see me about signing some papers. Nothing serious, just him wanting to sell his car which fortunately or unfortunately happens to be on my name. I agreed to see him in the afternoon since I was busy in the morning, so the entire day was spent in tense anxiety wondering how to act and how not to act. Well he didn't come and by the end of the day I was so tense that my entire body ached and all I wanted was my bed.

He called last night and I chose to rather stay away from any serious topics. He wants me to come back home, keeps telling me about all the stuff he's done etc etc etc. I just evaded the questions and it was more idle chit chat than anything else. I cannot remember when last T and I had a conversation like that. Lately it's all just been about fights and issues and drama. I guess repairing our relationship first is a start but am really not sure where his family still fits into all of this. I'm not gonna think to much of anything cos T can be all sweet and nice the one minute and nasty again the next. He has hurt me so much in these past few months and trusting him is really shaky ground for me.

However, it felt good last night to banter and chat like old times. I guess focusing on the present is more important than the future. I can feel the what if's brewing. Im gonna try to ignore them at best I can. The present - that's all I need to focus on now!

Giving up and staying positive

Today's been a weird day. I woke up with a sense of feeling and emotion and instead of feeling emotionally incapacitated, I felt like I had made a decision. The knife turning, gut wrenching feeling still persists but it's not too bad, or rather I am not dwelling on it too much. I cannot guarantee that I will still feel like this tomorrow, but I am living for the moment and just feeling like this is so much better than being in the depths of despair.

After a week from hell, I have decided to leave things as they are and see what happens. Nothing I do or say carries any weight and it is just adding to my stress levels. So T called on Monday after a confrontation between other parties on Sunday night. He wanted to talk and wanted me to go home so we could sort out our issues, as he so candidly put it. Well I refused to go there and made him come to me. We spoke and discussed issues at length. He seemed sad, apologetic and remorseful. He said he missed me, wanted me back home blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah cos this music to my ears moment was pretty shortlived. I refused to go home, saying that we had to start from scratch and we both made a conscious decision to take baby steps and see where that took us. Oh that was not to be. Instead of his family allowing us to make our own decisions and follow our own path towards recovery, they again made it about themselves and put down a whole lot of conditions for when I go back. Conditions that will ensure me becoming the maid around there.

I called T on Tuesday morning and very openly told him that there was no point in him and I trying to salvage our relationship cos I refuse to abide or live upto those conditions. He refused to see reason saying that we would cross that bridge when we got to it. Like hell and by Wednesday T was back to his hard-assed, tough exterior that contributed to our many arguments these past few months. T admitted to his mother and sister telling him shit about me and him trying to defend me but eventually it just became too much. He admitted to feeling torn and in the middle between us. He promised me that he has told them that whatever issues they have or do have in the future with me, they must sort it out with me. That's fair enough but I need to know that T as my husband will be there for me, to have my back and to defend me should they start with their shit again. I don't know if he is capable of that. I eventually called him on Wednesday and told him that maybe we need to get a place of our own instead of living next door to his family. After explaning my reasoning why, he agreed to think about it. Honestly speaking that probably wont ever happen and I have no intention of giving in to their demands so the fact that this might very well be the end of the road for T and I is a huge possibility. Seeing him after 3 weeks on Monday was like a breath of fresh air. The butterflies still persisted when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tried to be hard, to show him I was hurting. I could see that he was hurting too. But that spark is still there and I feel sad to think that all our excitement of making a life together is destroyed by his mother and sister.

I can't believe that T and I are not together because of his mother and sister. I have been trying to piece together the puzzle and somehow it all fits. They are the reason why we are in this situation today. It's only been about them and it still continues to be about them. The conditions are for their own gain and T the puppet sits on and watches and choruses with them. In that case, I am better off where I am. Yes, I still miss him and I still long for him and wonder what's he doing but I cannot make the sacrifice that they are expecting from me. They expect me to go shopping with them every weekend, cook for all their masses on a weekend or who knows when and to be there at all times whenever all the massess are around. What am I to them - A fucking slave. Who lives like this in today's day and age? Until T becomes the man he is supposed to be and tells them all to fuck off cos I am his wife, there for him and not them, will my life be that of a maid there. It saddens me that he cannot fight for me and since Wednesday there is only silence. He hasn't called nothing. I know for a fact that his family is putting him against me and honestly speaking there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As he so candidly puts it - they are his blood. In that case I can't. On Monday he was remorseful and sad, Tuesday he was begging me to come back home and by Wednesday the arrogant demeanour which has become so familiar was back again. He believes he told me to come back home and I don't want to so it's again all my fault. So what happened to the baby steps (his words), and the trying again from scratch????

I feel sad that things have to turn out like this, but what about my life and my wants and needs. They are selfish bunch who only want to control and do things their way. Well I wont be treated like that, so I have to give up. Believe me it's not what I want, but I know that I wont be able to meet those expectations. They not willing to budge and T is too dumb or weak to see it from my point and so here I am.

I have decided to leave things as they are. I cannot still stay married and live in my mother's house forever so something, somewhere, somehow will have to give. I am not going to call him and I am not sure if he will call me. I think its best that I keep quiet and see what happens. I can only hope that it will be a positive outcome but sitting in hope for that day to come will not be very wise cos it might never happen.

Do I sound positive - I am trying

Do I still love him - yes very much

Do I still want him - Yes.

Is this the end of our love story - I don't know ???? Only time will tell....

I am so tired

I miss the way life was, or could be. I miss being happy. I miss loving. I miss wanting to touch or be touched. I miss being treated right, asked rather than told. I miss being thought of as smart. I miss being listened to, being heard, talked to rather than screamed at. I miss my feelings being considered, not disregarded. I miss having my opinion count, being able to ask a question, being able to talk without trying to figure out how I should sound to not anger.

I miss my best friend!!!

I think its too late. Too much has been done and said. Too many other people's emotions and too many angered words. I left thinking that maybe the situation will be fixed. Im scared it can't be fixed, or that I am so angry, hurt, and broken, that I don't want it to be fixed. I want quiet, yet want to scream. I want to dance and see no fear, hear no tears. I want to stomp, not tiptoe. I want to cry, so that I can laugh. I want to know why and where to from here?

I miss you, I don't. I love you, but there is a huge BUT that comes thereafter. Why won't you fight for me? Why won't you stand up and be the man I thought you were. Is this how our love story ends?

I am so tired.....

Communication

They say that communication is key in every relationship. I believe in the advocacy of communication and am a firm believer that communication is key and through communicating problems can be resolved etc etc etc.

Why can't T and I communicate. Why is it that every time I tried to broach the subject regarding the issues we were having, he stone-walled me? Did I go about it the wrong way, did I get too emotional or can we just not communicate. Yet T and I have a history of roughly about 8 years. How the hell did we get past 8 years if we can't communicate. I think back to exchanges, heated debates and arguments and scenarios play around in my head. Did we communicate or was it all just a farce. It all seems very blurry to me.

I know that every day that passes is just making it harder to communicate about what happened. I keep thinking is the final word in our relationship where everyone else got to decide and it's over. I also feel that if T doesn't want me anymore I would like to hear it from him. I need closure of some sort and this wondering and what if game is driving me nuts. I have been thinking that maybe I need to call him, ask him what the hell he wants and take it from there. It's as simple as that. However with T nothing is simple and I don't even know if I will get any answers from him. Maybe I shouldn't expect a proper answer but rather let it work from there and than decide. But than I am conflicted by all these emotions. Why do I have to call him? Why can't he call me? What about all that he has done to me and am I willing to forgive and forget about all that's happened. I feel scared of the outcome. Am I prepared to face the rejection? Maybe knowing is better than not knowing. Than there is the issue of should I call, text or email. Calling can lead to an argument if he stone-walls me again, but than at least I can have some sort of an indication of what he is thinking. Texts or emails can be ignored plain down and the waiting and not knowing will just continue. What to do, what to do? Why can't things be easy.

I guess it all boils down to making that decision, sticking by it and than accepting the outcome.

Patience

I have this urge to write. I feel that maybe in my writing there are answers. Only I know that are no answers right now and as I feel my way through this dark tunnel, the only question on my mind is when will I see daylight again. If there is one thing that this has taught me, it is the power of Sabr - The ability to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience with calmness, self-control and without complaint. Sabr is not something that I was born with. Infact quite the contrary and even now at the best of times, I find myself wanting to throw a tantrum cos I want what I want now. I guess growing up is really much harder than I thought.

I still feel desolate and alone and miserable. Nothing appeals to me anymore. Not food or shopping or even just the odd banter with my brothers. I feel emotionally numb and while I keep praying to Allah for help and assistance, there are times when I feel pretty despondent. I keep thinking I have to believe and put my faith and trust in Him, the Almighty. He is ever-knowing and merciful. I must admit it is hard.

It's officially 2 weeks and a few days since T and I have been apart. We haven't spoken to each other, he hasn't called and I haven't made any attempt on my part to call him. Why should I be the one to call him? However as well as I know him, he is probably sitting there thinking that she left, why should he care or bother. I am his wife, can't he see that. We are linked together by vows, don't they mean anything to him? I don't know what to think anymore and honestly my mind is a minefield of thoughts. I keep thinking that if T can be honest, we can both know where we stand and we can both make decisions. Ultimately whatever decision he makes will impact both our lives. I keep thinking, what do I want? Honestly I don't know what I want? Do I want to be with him, do I want to live my life without him. I'm not sure. All I do know is that I would like some clarity. 4 months going and there is still no clarity as to what happened and why. Why can't he be honest, why can't he be a man and say what he wants. Than I can decide what I want.

I miss him, am I wrong to feel this way? I think of happier times and I find myself feeling generous towards him and than it all comes hurtling back and I find myself back at square one. I feel humilated and hurt but most of all I feel anger. I don't even know what I would say to him if he called. There are just so many questions.

I was away for a week last week. Went with my family to Umhlanga. It was their holiday, I just gate-crashed cos of circumstances. It was hard and I know that it was hard for them too. I know they share my pain. I have forgotten how to smile or laugh and nothing appeals to me anymore. The only highlight was walking along the shore, with the waves breaking at my feet. I felt at peace sitting near the ocean starring into the wilderness contemplating my life and the direction that I should take. I feel as though my life is in limbo. 3 months with no contact is a long time and who's to say that anything will change. 3 Months cos that's when that wretched baby will be born. Why was that the goalpost, I have no idea. Why wont T call me? Doesn't he miss me, doesn't he wonder about me. Doesn't he care? I feel hurt by his actions and I feel betrayed. My best friend, cos that's what T was to me. Will our love survive this separation, will we be able to work things out or are things so far gone that nothing will be able to salvage what we once had. Again I have to put my faith and trust in the Almighty. He knows the answers, it's just upto me to make the sabr and hope for the best. He knows best right?

They say that:
Absence decreases half-hearted passions and increases great ones. Just as the wind puts out the candle yet stirs up the fire. Does this mean that our love was half-hearted?????

Faith

So I tried to be proactive and promote the fact that my organisation is looking for a few house models to come in on a part-time basis to do fittings for clothes. I work for a huge retail organisation and we are desperately looking for some ladies and a man to do some fittings a few times a week a few hours a day. Well my efforts have been in vain. Oh well - I should present my blog at my next performance review. At least I will get a score for initiative :)



This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.



However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.

That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.

I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.

I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.

I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.

House Models Needed - Part-Time

House Models Needed

Ladies Size 10

Height - 167 - 168cm

Bust - 87cm

Waist - 70cm

High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 89cm

Hip - at 20cm below waist - 96cm

Thigh - Top - 57cm

In-Leg -to floor - 82cm

Ladies Size 18

Height - 167-168cm

Bust - 108cm

Waist - 91cm

High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 108cm

Hip - at 20cm below waist - 115cm

Thigh - Top - 68cm

Menswear - Large Size

Height - 178cm

Chest - 102cm

Waist - 87cm

Neck Base - 41cm

Thigh - top - 60.5

If you or anyone meet the requirements- Please message me.......

This is a perfect position for someone who has time on their hands and looking to make some extra money......

Questions

Today has been good. Not great but good. I've been really busy and work has become that solace that it's been since all this crap started. I am also seriously looking at buying a car. I know I am being pretty impulsive but why not. All this time, I've been using one of T's cars and I didn't take his car with me when I left.



I feel kinda numb and I know that the crappiness can surface at any time. I still feel sad when I think of all that's been said and done. The fact that I haven't heard from him makes it worse. Honestly I'm not sure if I want to even talk to him. I mean what is there to say. I want answers and knowing T, he wont be able to provide me with those answers. He couldn't in all these months so what's changed now. I wonder about him, what's he doing, where's he now, is he missing me. All questions that somehow leave a hollow feeling.



His dad called this morning and wanted to talk to me. He sounded so sincere and concerned about me. It's sad that his dad can call and ask how I am but T couldn't be bothered. That's the crux of this whole thing. I am not married to his dad and if I go back I wont live with his dad. T needs to say what the fuck he wants so that everyone can be on the same page. There are just so many issues that have created this mess that I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Do I really need in-law issues on top of husband issues. I always knew my in laws were weird. However I never took them to heart and their antics never bothered me cos T was always fine with me and between us there were no issues. But I cant still have to contend with both issues when the reason why I am there is because of him and he couldn't give a shit about me.



I find myself in between of being busy thinking of him. My mind will wander and I will think about where he is and what's he doing. Also his dad is gone to Durban, so where is he and who's he with. My thoughts end up running away with me quite often and although I try not to think too much I am human. I know that I am better off where I am, cos he can't hurt me anymore. But I am still married to the man and honestly I do miss him. Is that normal?

Finality and clarity is what I want. But what do I want out of this whole thing - that's another million dollar question.

Acceptance

I am in such a ugly place right now and all I want is for the storm to pass and for the sun to come out again. I feel battered and bruised and confused. Acceptance is hard and although I have to accept what has happened I find myself replaying conversations and situations over and over in my head. Honestly there are are so many factors that contributed to this situation but the hardest one to bear is the fact that T might have cheated on me. I don't have any concrete proof and the girl in question denied everything infront of him and his parents, however the niggling feelings still persist and the fact that my family see things rather differently don't seem to make things any easier. They are hurting with me, however while they feel only anger I am a whole mixed bag of emotions.



I unpacked my bags last night and looking at all the lingerie and pj's and clothes, just made me think of all that's happened good and bad. It reminded me of happy times and suddenly I wanted it all back. I go to bed and night and those times are the hardest. These past few weeks him holding me close at night was the only constant in my life and I miss him the most when I go to sleep. I knew that he was there even though emotionally who knows where he was. I miss him. Is is wrong for me to miss him, to wonder about him. I feel sad that it looks like he is pretty happy where he is. Since he hasn't called what must I think. Doesn't he think of me, doesn't he wonder what am I doing? Doesn't he care. He is still living in our home, doesn't anything remind him of me?



I know that I have to make peace with what's happened. I can't keep on dwelling on the past and most of all I can't keep on fixating my mind on what he said and did. It's just too hard. I know that I still love him even though he has hurt me in the most vile way possible. Also going back is not going to be easy. How do I trust him to not hurt me again in any way. Than there is is family that will never go away and a lot of the issues between us is to do with them. I just feel so let down that T had 9 months of an engagement period to decide if this was what he really wanted. He was the model fiance and although we had ups and downs nothing was as huge as this. I don't know this person anymore and I am not even sure I like him. I must admit that T is pretty immature and has no back-bone to do anything for himself. That I only picked up on after we were married. I know that after one gets married things change but not to this magnitude. It also hurts that while I was there, as his wife he chose his friend and family over me. So while I still portrayed the perfect wife making sure all his needs are met, he was striking up a friendship with his old friend. Where was I lacking and what did I do wrong for him to turn to someone else. I thought T and I were best friends. We always gelled and got along so why the sudden change. Also T used to always stress that he would never hurt me cos I am there for him as a wife and he loves me too much. So why than did he go and hurt me in such a horrible way.



I have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Almighty. It's hard cos I am a human being and if there is one thing that I do lack is patience. I guess this is a test from Him above and it will only make me a stronger person eventually but the end question still lies with me. What do I want? Honestly I don't know. There is so much to consider. His family that saw fit to make this all about themselves and who were the catalyst to our problems and than there is T who I don't know if I can trust anymore. I wish I knew what he wanted. If he wants out than fine, and if he wants to be with me than I will decide whether I want to take that risk.

I don't feel too bad today, but I know that these feelings will be shortlived. I don't feel positive, I am merely just existing and I find it so hard to carry on. I hope and pray that all works out for the best in the end. Finding acceptance is really hard. Acceptance that all this happened, acceptance that T doesn't want to be with me, Acceptance that it's finally over since he hasn't called or bothered with me since last week. If only accepting all these things were easy. I have resorted to prayer and I do feel stronger but it's the acceptance that's the hardest part.

Over....

T and I are officially seperated. Honestly I am not in a happy place right now and I find myself crumbling and battling tears at a moments notice. I feel sad, miserable and terribly unhappy. But most of all I feel that I have really screwed up my life and I feel very disappointed in T. I've been better and have just had a weekend from hell. Although I am glad that I am at home and I don't have to contend with him ingoring me or the in-laws watching my every move, it hurts. I have been alone for a while now, with regards to him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't called. I left on Friday evening and I haven't heard anything from him. Do I want to? Yes, No, Maybe. What do I want? I don't know!

Is he happy that he is finally rid off me? Is he happy that now he can do as he pleases without me there to cramp his style or nag at him? The fact that he hasn't called, makes me think this way. His dad came to my mum's place yesterday and he said that T is still saying lots of stuff about me. So he still blames me when he started all this in the first place. I felt like texting him yesterday to say Congrats. All your hard work this past few months has finally paid off and you are now finally rid of me. Well done. It's just such a pity that you had to lie and bad mouth me to get what you want. I didn't send it. Had it all typed out but didn't send it. What would be the point? He is still on that high horse, not bothered about me, not cared. Honestly he is probably thinking that I got what I wanted. Which I didn't. Circumstances that have happened in all these months have led me to leave. Circumstances which he created. There are notions or rather shadows that imply that there is or was someone else. A close friend of his, who I befriended as well. Not sure what is up there. However I find it eating at me thinking the most bizarre thoughts. I am his wife for crying out loud. This friend denies having anything to do with him, but while he was being nasty and mean to me he was spending quite a bit of time with her. So what gives? I told her a mouthful regarding being friends with a married man, but it doesn't change the fact that T was also calling her, chatting to her, visiting her. So how do I trust him.



I feel as though my life is in limbo. What happens next. The dad thinks that this is just a separation until the baby comes. Or it's just a seperation until we cool our heads. However if T doesn't call, doesn't make amends how can I go back after 3 months. A lot can happen in 3 months time and a lot has happened that needs to be dealt with. How do I trust this man again? I don't even know if I can forgive him. To be quite honest it looks like he doesn't want me. So what would be the point. I feel that I am going to be waiting, waiting in vain. While my life comes to a standstill, he will carry on with all his antics. Why can't he be honest and say exactly what he wants. If I hear it from his mouth, maybe it will be better. Instead of wondering I would know the truth. I'm not sure how I would react but at least it would be better than not knowing what he really wants.

I feel sad and the pain just doesn't want to go away. There are moments when I feel so strong and know that I can get through this and than there a moments when I'm a blubbering miserable wreck. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite bizarre but I am not sure what to think anymore. In a way it's better that he hasn't called, what would be the point. If he did I would just end up getting soft and forgiving him and he doesnt deserve that. I know he doesn't deserve that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would come to this. In some way I still believed that things would come right. Every single day I would go home and have some glimmer of hope only for them to be dashed by the time I went to bed at night. The only time I knew that I had a husband was when I went to bed at night. Only than did he want to hold me and sleep in my space and blah blah blah.

However all this really hurts and at times I feel the pain stifling me. Waves of sadness envelope me and I am too scared to cry infront of my mum and them. Although at times I can't help myself. My mum is such a strong, bold individual and I know that she doesn't really stand for weakness. I know she is there and she is worried about me, but I still feel so alone. This isn't just a relationship where it was just me and him and it has now ended. This is a marriage. When I got married I altered my life, became the wife and homemaker. Now suddenly I find myself back in my old room at home with no purpose or direction in life. I feel stuck and with no concrete plans, I find myself wanting to do all sorts of things. I want to take the cowards way out and run away. Wish myself away from all of this. But how? I will just be running away from my problems and its not going to make any of this any easier. Why is this happening? What happens next and when will the pain go away?

I feel so let down that he promised me that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me cos I give him whatever he wants and yet he broke that promise and hurt me in the most vile way ever. I find myself feeling angry towards him but than there are times where I feel quite generous and miss him.

I know that I have to decide what I want. After all that's been said and done, do I still want to be with T. Although if he has made up his mind, there is nothing for me to decide. It will be a decision that I will have to live with.


I feel so lost and confused and emotional.

Why Me I keep asking. Why T and I? We were happy and although we had our moments, we always managed to weather the storms.

T. I. R. E. D.

So where to from here? T and I have become perfect strangers. We share nothing except a home, a bed, dinner and breathing space when we are together. I find it so hard to keep quite, but it's for the best. To him I am just a convenience. What has changed in our life since we first realised that there is a problem here. Nothing! If I keep quite and pretend to be Mary freaking Poppins, all is fine and life carries on in this abnormal way. If I dare to ask questions, to want to know why - ugly words mean't to hurt get hurled at me. Who are I to this man? Where is the man that I fell in love with? What happened to the man who made my world. I feel only pain, resentment but most of all I feel disappointment.

I have decided what I want. I don't want to live like this anymore. For me this is not a life, it's not a marriage. We literally are not allowed to do anything. We go nowhere, do nothing and basically are confined to these walls as if in a prison. Before I got married, I was still regarding as a child in my mother's eyes. I had to answer to her regardless that I was a grown adult, earning my own keep. She was still responsible for me. I got married ready to embark on my own life, to make my own decisions and my own rules. Instead I married a child, who will only listen to his family and won't venture to make decisions on his own. In all these months that we have been married, what have we done together as a couple. We live like old people who have already lived their life.

I don't want to live like 2 strangers. There is more to a marriage than holding each other in bed every night and there is definitely more to marriage than sex. An average day pans out like this since all these dramas have unfolded: I get up at 5:30 every morning, he is still in bed. I get done ready to go to work. Before I leave, I plan what we going to have dinner, tidy up cos the in laws are always walking through my home during the day. I kiss him goodbye as he is waking up and leave for work at about 6:45. I get to work, put in a full day with not a word from him. If I do happen to call him, he snaps that he is too busy to talk to me and we put the phone down. I come home from work get stuck in the kitchen and make dinner. He is home before me and I usually find him lying on the couch when I get home. We kiss each other hello and I get stuck in the kitchen ready to make dinner. We usually eat at around 6 or 6:30 depending what time I come home. He will ask me how was my day and I will ask him the same which is usually a grunt of ok. We eat in silence or maybe talk about inane stuff like the weather. As soon as he is done eating, he dumps his plate in the sink and slinks off next door. I am also expected to go next door, so after I am done doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen I make my dutiful appearance and come back. I usually than prepare for the next day and with nothing else to do read a book or magazine. Whenever he decides to come back from there, he watches tv and than we go to bed where he expects me to have sex with him. And so that's the days of our lives.

Well I'm tired of it. It wasn't like this. We used to talk during the day, we used to cuddle and chat like normal couples, we used to go out and have fun. What happened? His sister and her baby happened and all what we had has suddenly gone out the window. I keep wanting to tell him that sex is not an event. It is a sequence!!! I am tired to hearing that I ill treat his family when I have done nothing to them. I am tired of living like a fucking old woman with no life. I am just tired of all this crap. He carry's on like he has done nothing wrong. Everyone blames me. Well I am tired of it. I have told him that if wants to carry on living like this than I want out. Instead of making a life for myself with my husband, I got a prison sentence where my every move is watched and commented on. What sickens me is that his mother and sister will talk to me and pretend that all is so normal. When behind my back they snicker and have lots to say to him. He in turn believes them and prefers to listen to them. I have always done something wrong.

I'm sorry but I do think that I deserve more. If T can't do anything for me than why should I care. He very candidly told me that they are his blood. So what am I to him?

I am just TIRED......

Why????

I feel a little better today. I'm having a busy day so being busy helps but I still feel sad and miserable. At least at work I am distracted, but the weekends are the hardest. I went home yesterday and he pretended like all was A Ok. He wanted to be all sweet and loving and it just irritates me that you can hurt me so and the minute I threaten to leave or get angry than he decides to be a little better. We ate in silence, he than disappeared next door and I busied myself by tidying up and than decided to watch a little telly.


I am not being nasty, but I am being distant and am not talking to him. What's the point. Whatever I say gets repeated, twisted, analysed and than thrown back in my face like a dirty rag. So keeping quite is my weapon. It is so hard, oh God, I am such a vocal person and can never shut up but I know I have to. He wants to hold me at night, make love to me and I keep telling him that I am not ready to get physical. I need answers and without those I am not sure where I stand.


There is a 3rd force in our marriage that is causing a rift and causing us to drift apart. I know who it is, however there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He loves his sister so much that anything I say will come second and again I will be portrayed as the baddie. T finds himself smack bang in the middle where his mum and sister and I are concerned. They feed him with such crap about me. I might sound so delusional, however every time we argue he must accuse me of doing this to his mother or sister. I didn't go next door to greet them, I didn't want to eat with them, I didn't do this or that. On Saturday last week, while he was in Durban I went back to fetch more clothes cos after the stunt that he pulled I wasn't planning on going back. They asked me what I was doing for the day and I mentioned that I had a hair appointment at 10:30. When I called T after coming back from there at about 9:30, he already knew that I was going to the hairdresser. T actually went as far to accuse me of not bothering about his mother for 3 days that I was away. My question, how would he know - he didn't speak to me for the entire time he was in Durban. Obviously they told him that I didn't come there etc etc etc. They are to be treated like queens. Well shit with them. They might be his boss but I don't need to bow down to them. Yes I will respect them but that's it.


I am so tired and I really do hate his family. I am not like this and hate is such a strong word but I absolutely despise them. On my face, they will smile with me and pretend that they are so happy but behind my back they are hurling daggers. I can't handle them anymore and have stopped going there in the evenings. I say hello and thats it. I can't stand them and the more I think about it, the more angry I become. My life is that of a soap opera and I am tired of the day to day antics that go with it. I feel really scared about this but I want out. I don't want to live this way and if this is there idea of life than sorry. I honestly thought T was different. But I guess I was wrong.

I feel really sad though. He knows that I am upset, he knows that I was sad when I left this morning. He knows that things are not fine between us but he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to make things right. He cannot even call me. He knows everything but he can't be bothered. He does absolutely nothing to right the wrongs in our marriage. How much more must I try and win him over.

Why do things have to be so screwed up? We were so happy. What went wrong?

I have only one question WHY?

Questions with no answers

I feel emotionally drained. I am at work but I'm not here. I can't concentrate and i'm battling to stay focused. I seem to be functioning in a catatonic daze and feel immobilized. I feel as though I need to do something. Anything to get a reaction. Anything to get an answer. It's over 3 months since this mad drama started and the more I think I should try to make things right they more awry they go.

I lost it again today. I tried to ask him again for the umpteenth time what happens next and again I don't get an answer. Am I being to hasty, am I expecting too much? Do I need to try harder to communicate? Am I being unreasonable and is he trying but I am too blinded to see it. What happens next. Is wanting out the only option? He refuses to go for marriage counselling. He doesn't acknowledge me when I ask him to change. I refuse to live the life we've been living for the past 3 months. Why can't he admit what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere or this wouldn't keep creeping up on us but what is the million dollar question.

He says that he is upset about me not wanting a baby, upset that I refused to cook on a Sunday for his lazy mother, upset that I said his sister is forward for minding our business. All this happened months ago. So if he is still upset and refuses to move past it than how do we move forward cos all of this is hampering us. I also feel that a lot of this has got to do with his mother and sister. They seem to tell him stuff about me which in turn makes him to resent me. Suddenly I didn't only marry T. My understanding is that T is my husband and I have a responsibility towards him. Now suddenly I have this obligation to them. I didn't go to their house and greet them, I didn't want to go eat there, I didn't do this or I didn't do that. However the things that I do for them, nobody mentions them.

So will I get an answer. Will I get told what the issue is. I am thinking the best and only option for me is to walk away. To leave and not look back. Yes I will be bad, yes they will probably blame me but what about my sanity and my peace of mind. I can't handle the uncertainty and the not knowing. T does not call me during the day at all. It's been months since he last called me to even just ask me how I am. I feel that I am just a convenience to him. Someone there to make sure his needs are met. For 6 days last week he was away and he seemed pretty fine with being away from me. In the evenings if he wants to chat we will chat and most of the time its banal trash. If he wants to sit with the PSP until his eyes cave in he does it and doesn't talk a word. If he feels like spending all his time next door with his family he does it while I am here alone twiddling my thumbs.

The way I see it he still wants to be that little boy who gets told what to do. He can't seem to stand on his own two feet let alone bother or care about his wife. It seems he wants to be this carefree youngster who has no worries, would rather have his friends around and have his wife for the convenience of his needs. I am really beginning to wonder whether he is capable of being a father.

I know that I have tried, but have I tried hard enough and even if I walk away will I always wonder what if? The thought of being alone again scares me but I know I can't stay for that reason only. I get mere crumbs from him when he is selfish enough to want the whole loaf. I feel torn, emotionally incapacitated and desolate. Why can't I find clarity?

I have so many questions with so little answers.

Crossroads

I find myself standing at a crossroads not sure what path to take. I wish I can have a Sliding Doors movie moment where I can see where which path will lead me where. But life is not as simple as a movie or a book and I understand that whichever path I take, there will be rocky patches that I will have to endure.



3 Weeks ago, we had a long drawn out discussion regarding the dramas that have unfolded in T and my life. We spoke and discussed things at length and we agreed to try again. Things got a bit better thereafter and although they weren't great, it was a start. I realised that Rome wasn't built in a day and I would have to work on this to make it work. Although there were days when I still felt despondent there were also days that made me believe again. I tried to be upbeat, to not let the past few weeks distress me. I focused on becoming friends again and didnt let the little things get me down. However this week that passed has really put me in a position to really question the future of my marriage. How do I carry on? The policy around here is either fit in or fuck off. How do I make it when it is just so hard. How do I plan for the future when the future seems pretty bleak.



So I find myself at this crossroads. I know that I don't want to live this way anymore and T is not bothered to make any changes or meet me halfway. He does absolutely nothing for me and when he feels like it will be loving and sweet. Otherwise the rest of the time he is moody, withdrawn and ignores me. I don't want to live this way anymore and it doesn't look like he wants to change. If only he would be honest and tell me what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere and without knowing the cause of it, we will never solve the problem. I don't know what to do or where to from here. I am scared and feel very alone at times. Why did this have to happen?

Looking Forward

My world has suddenly become very drab after all the colourful drama of the past few weeks. Drab isn't bad, not after the tears and miserableness that added to vast array of colours. However I still find myself feeling as though I am stuck in an emotional rut. My life has suddenly become devoid of any colour and a blank grey has settled in. I find myself itching to do something, anything - anything that will make me feel that the world is truly a wonderful place.

So much has happened and although I thought that my marriage had been given that final nail to the coffin to seal its demise, 2 weeks on and I am still married and trying very hard to make it work. T is no longer the stranger that I was forced to live with, he is more engaging and although irritable and moody at the best of times - I think he is also trying. It's just hard to see but the subtle shift is there. We communicate albeit only a little but things are much better than what they were. Look they not great, but better is good right?

I prefer not to delve too much into what happend and why. Although I usually love to overanalyse stuff, I have learnt that sometimes somethings are just not worth it. It's been a real growing up experience for me and there are times when I still fall by the wayside. I still feel pretty scared at times, cos it all happened so suddenly whose to say that it wont happen again. I also feel very disapointed and disillusioned but I will keep trying. I was prepared to leave, to walk out and never look back but than I changed my mind and decided to give this one more try. Honestly it's been hard and there are days when I feel pretty crappy cos this is not the life that I planned for myself but I am trying and still if things don't work out than at least I know that I have tried.

I keep feeling that with T being the youngest and only son, his family will never leave us to be. They will always want to be part of our lives and be there wanting to know every nitty gritty detail of our lives. It irritates me cos when T and I were dating it was pretty clear that they weren't a close family and his own mother couldn't bother about him. I always felt that I was lucky that I wouldn't have to contend with a mama's boy. Suddenly now his mother can't do enough for him. Why because someone else wants to do for her son so that's why she also has too. It annoys me that we can't live our life without them being there interfering. It's funny how when I just got married I thought that they were not as bad. But they are and it really kind of gets to me sometimes.

I love coming to work cos than at least I am away from there, but the weekends tend to be rather hard for me. T and I have always been fine but it's other forces that always turn things upside down. This is a family that lacks spontaneity, joviality and cheeriness. They tend to make conversation with each other by lowballing others. I was always grateful that I had my own home, thinking that I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to. However that was one of the major issues and so now I make a point of going to say hello. I keep praying and hoping against hoping that our marriage will just get stronger. It's been a rough couple of weeks and although there are times when it all seems in vain, I really want to make it work. If only it were easier said than done. If only my life didn't seem so pointless and devoid of any colour at the moment. If only they all would just disappear?

Randy Andy

Ok. Work really is a haven for me. Regardless of all the crap that goes on and the hard to please business partners, right now it's the only form of sanity that I have. I walked into work this morning and thought to myself that I have lots to do and I am rather going to focus on that than focus on the fact that T has suddenly turned into Randy Andy all the while ignoring me totally. At least the piling workload keeps me sane.

Yesterday was a tad better. We spoke about random things, like the Pantene being on special, Barker Haine's kid getting kidnapped (like I care) and some or other inane crap. However he still disappeared to his parents as soon as he had finished eating and only came back about an hour or so later. I just carried on doing my own thing. Read the Cosmo (it's been a while), pottered a bit around, cleared up and than fell into bed.

How unfortunate that the minute the lights were off, randy Andy emerged pawing all over me. It kind of repulses me to think that the whole day goes by and I don't hear from him, I come home and we greet each other like 2 strangers at a train station and than he disappears only to come home to sleep. So the thought of getting all hot and flustered really didn't turn me on and I just ignored him and went to sleep only to wake up in the morning to more randy Andy antics. I couldn't help it anymore and told him exactly how I feel, but if he even heard half what I had sad is a miracle. Why doesn't he listen.

All I am asking for is for love and affection, some acknowledgement that hey - I remember you, you my wife. Instead I get ignored, am expected to cook for him, clean up after him and put out for whenever he feels like it. What does that make me. Not his wife. But more like a maid who with added benefits.

I am really scared and frustrated and as the days pass I feel even more confused. The elder of both families begged me to stay an extra week. I was ready to leave on Saturday evening after yet another debacle. So I stayed. What happens next. I am terrified to find out.

WHY

Ive had a journal since as long as I can remember. Funny though that when things are rough I tend to want to write more. Penning my thoughts somehow help me to make sense of the chaos that clutters my brain. I feel very nonchalant today. Not really sure why, cos when my mother told me that she told my cousin EB about all this, tears were threatening to fall. I was at work so I really had to compose myself. EB is like a big brother to me. When the time came for signing of the marriage register, I chose him with my 2 brothers to give me away. The thought of him knowing just kind of made it all the more real.

T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.

I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.

There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.

I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????

The End - I think

It's been a while since my last post and instead of things improving they have just deteriorated. I would like to refer to the Band as T for now as the band makes me think of happier times of me and my Band and right now there is only ugliness and sadness. It seems that my marriage is over. Yes in 9 short months it is all over. The honeymoon period, the carefree days of fun and excitement, the future full of promise. Instead the past 9 months are marred by feelings of pain and sadness. I never wanted for it to come to this but it appears that this is it. There has been one thing after another which has made me into an insecure wreck.

I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.

It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.

I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.

I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.

His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.

I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.

All about me???

09-09-09

The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.



So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.

We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.



I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.


I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.

I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.

Fuzzy Future

I have been MIA and although I have began many a blog post in these past 2 weeks I just never found the time to complete them.

The month of Ramadaan is upon us and this year things are a little bit different. Instead of relying on mum, I now have my own home with my own responsibilities. Honestly I was looking forward to this month. While it is a time to pray and reflect and atone, it is the band and my first Ramadaan together as husband and wife. Unfortunately my excitement has been marred by developments that have occurred in these past 2 weeks that have left me shocked and very miserable. I have tried to be strong and really overlook but I can't help feel a little unsure and distrustful of everyone around me.

The band and I had a really huge blowout during the long weekend that passed. Things were said and done and by the end of the weekend all was sorted out. We made up, made peace and all was well again in our world. Or so I thought. The in-laws got involved thanks to my mindless sister in law and thats when everything went really pear-shaped. The dad who is more like a father to me than my own dad, was very supportive and did not take sides between me and his son. He was angry and upset and couldn't understand where all this was coming from.

It was only much later after countless tears and heartache did I realise that my sister in law was behind this whole thing. She knew about the band and my argument over the weekend and told the dad. However she added and subtracted as she felt and gave the dad the wrong perception and now suddenly I was the villain in the story. I cant believe the garbage that she and her mother fed to him and when he clarified it, I had no clue what he was talking about.

I asked in passing about cousin B - that became an issue. There was some issue about me telling the mum how much something had cost after I had bought it. There was an issue about the maid. There were just issues all which I had never done or had no bad intention when doing it. I asked about cousin B cos I hadnt seen her in a while. I am not sure how or why that was an issue but it was. I have no recollection of me telling the mum about how much something was and when he asked her infront of me she suddenly did not know what he was talking about. He got so angry with her and I am sure he realised that they had just fed him a bunch of lies.

However the person who I am most disappointed in is the band. Suddenly, overnight he had changed and I don't know why. Just cos the dad had scolded him for the fight that we had, he became cold towards me. All the i'm sorry's and the flowers meant nothing and I had become the enemy. Also the fact that the band and I were having an issue does not give anyone the right to make it about themselves. That is exactly what my MIL and SIL did. They made this about themselves by lowballing me.

As for my SIL, I get the feeling that she is using the band as a weapon to get what she wants. Suddenly he is feeling so responsible for her. He is going to buy her a bmw pram and car seat. He is going to Game to buy some plaything for the baby. She had a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago and the doc couldn't make it, so they rescheduled for Sunday morning. He had to take her. So there I was on Sunday morning all alone at home, while he took his sister to the gynacologist. Why cos when I was sick the band drove me to the doctor late Sunday evening. So where to from here I keep wanting to know. Is she expecting the band to father her child cos clearly this baby has no biological father. She miraculously created it on her own.

I also have picked up that the dad does not talk to them regarding this. They very candidly began discussing her unborn baby on the dinner table last week and he ignored them totally. 3 times they brought it up and on all 3 occassions he ignored them. I know how he thinks and I know that, that is something he wont condone however what happens when the baby is born. How are they going to explain a small baby to their family and friends. Its funny how on Sunday when guests came over, she wore a Kaftan which hid her growing tummy rather nicely.

I cant help but feel that what happens to the band and our life. Surely we also want to have our own family but now with the band feeling so responsible for her, I just feel that we will constantly have to live in her and her baby's shadow. If sil did this than we should do it too. Also what happens when there are family outings, the band, our children and I - will we be saddled with her child as well cos shame it doesnt have a father. My imagination is running away with me but I cant help but feel that surely an innocent baby will foster lost of love and joy in their home but at what price. At the price of me losing my husband. He must go to the pharmacy to buy her pills and vitamens, he must go with her to the doctor. He must buy her the pram and so the list goes on and on.....

I feel as though that pretty picture that was my life full of love and laughter and promise has become a dream with only uncertainty and fuzzyness clouding the reality.

I feel very despondent about the future and on more than one occasion during this past 2 weeks I have questioned the future of my marriage. I know that this is his mum and sister but what about me - his wife. All they do is complain and act the victim. I can see the pressure that they are placing on his shoulders and to be quite honest it is causing a strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do about it.

Winter and all things not nice....

I have had enough of Winter and everything else that goes with it. Especially the flu. I was sick last week, went to this ancient doctor that the band swears by and although he treated me very nicely, the meds that he gave me were quite weak - i think. Saturday morning I woke up with a runny nose that just didn't want to go away. Pill after pill and my nose just kept on leaking. To top it all the band and I decided to go watch The Proposal on Saturday night - it was miserable outside and with eyes spluttering and snots running - i made it through the movie. I am sorry old man who was sitting next to me merrily sipping his coffee as I merrily blew my nose at every chance I got.

By Sunday evening I was exhausted, the fever had returned and I asked the Band to take me to my doctor. So we made the trek down and after a good checking up he booked me off until today. To be quite honest, I still don't feel 100%. My head really hurts and I feel weak and tired most of the time. I keep thinking that I need to go to work cos I am beginning to get cabin fever now and every little thing the band does is starting to work on my nerves. He is such a lucky sod that he gets to work flexi-time so he comes and goes as he pleases. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, cos he has a million and one things to do and a million and one people to please.

The knocked up sister went to her gynae on Monday. The usual damsel in distress who cannot even go to the corner Spar to buy a loaf of bread went on her own, to a place that she has never been to. I for one don't believe that. Come on obviously she made this baby with someone and what are the chances of that someone not wanting to be a part of his unborn child's life. Unless he really is a lowly loser and she really is out on her own. Yesterday she needed to go to the lab for a blood test, she made her brother take her in the evening. But you made no fuss to go and see your new gynae.

The band told her that he has told me she is pregnant and she very candidly told him that oh she thought I knew all along. So what, was she expecting me to ask her. I am not her. A few months ago she and her parents went on an overseas holiday. While they were away, everyone thought I was pregnant cos I felt like crap 99% of the time. The band mentioned it to her when they came back and when she saw my mum she asked her about everyone thinking that I was pregnant. I respect people's privacy and will not pry just to be in the know. I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she brings it up. Why should I? Until now it has been a state secret so why should I get all chummy with them. Maybe I am wrong to feel this way but it just irritates me to no end.

In 2 weeks time we begin fasting and to be quite honest, I am a little worried. I have to be more responsible and worry about the band whereas before mum did all the worrying. I am also a little concerned about a few other issues and I am hoping against hoping that they work themselves out instead of me being miserable.

The band has been super busy these past few days but he still finds the time to pamper me and check up on me. I absolutely love that he makes the bed, makes me warm chocolatey drinks every night and holds me close when I get the shivers..... Hmmm thank you band!

I am not sure if I should go in to work tomorrow. I dont feel too great and with the long weekend around us most people will be off anyway. I feel bad but I can't go in and than leave early if I feel crap. Yesterday the band asked me to please drive down to the shop to buy something that he needed and I drove like Miss Daisy and felt so weak and headachey when I got back. Really not sure what to do.....

I have discovered Twitter...... Follow my random tweets anyone.

Fun Times....

I began a post on Friday afternoon, but work always stands in the way between me and blogging. Hmmm priorities.....

Friday was a really interesting day. The dramas with Marsha finally came to a head. Her poor performance issues were referred to the Employee Relations dept which led into a disciplinary enquiry which ultimately led to her dismissal on Friday. Nowhere during all this was I involved, but I had to be the one to tell her that we are not confirming her employment any longer and she will have to leave right away. She resisted signing any documents and when I asked her to complete a termination pack she became rather difficult. I had to explain to her that the termination pack is standard practice for anyone leaving the organisation and finally after numerous calls to her lawyer, she signed.

I than had to go with her to her office and watch while she cleared up her things and than had to escort her out the building. I decided not to get into any conversations with her and rather just did the motions. I don't trust her as she has on numerous occasions told people stuff that I have said when I didn't. Finally the drama is over, for now though, as she made it very clear that she will be referring this matter to the CCMA. I know that our ER dept is very good at dealing with stuff like this but am not sure if we will be involved at all. It all seems like a bad dream that is finally over but the mess that she has left will clearly be present for a while. I still cant get over the fact that she clearly does not think she did anything wrong. She still believes that we are out to get her and she did nothing wrong. Pheew!!!

Yesterday we were invited to a friends bridal shower. Actually it's my best friend's sister who is getting married and so they had a little hen party for her. To be quite honest it was really boring and most of the things fell pretty flat. The theme was glitz and glamour with pink, silver or purple. Everyone had to dress up and with the weather being really crap it was quite hard deciding what to wear. It was fun getting together with my friend Niks who lives in PE now. Gosh I miss her and although we talk quite often its different. The highlight for us was when we had to play a game where we all had to take a piece of paper with a number written on it. We were not allowed to tell each other what our numbers were. Niks and I shared our numbers and were quite chuffed that we had the same number 00.

Than we had to go outside, take one shoe off and put in in the middle. The aim of the game was that if your number was called, you would have to rush to the middle, grab your shoe and make your way back to your place. The first one back would win a prize. By than Niks and I realised that everyone had the same number and we psyched ourselves to rush first and grab our shoes. As the host called out the number 8 everyone rushed to grab their shoes except Niks and I. The magic number was 8 and not 00. We read it incorrectly. We really felt like 2 tarts. This was vintage Niks and I. We were always like this dof and a little on the blonde side.

Oh well it was fun but to be quite honest a little corny and boring. Visiting the place where I grew up is always a nostalgic experience cos I really had the most amazing childhood and growing up was what movie experiences are made off. Just the fact that I got to spend some time with Niks - was enough to make the day a memorable one.....

Happy Moments....

Rant post.....Warning

The nightmares will be returning home today after a week and a half of their absence, I could so get used to that kind of freedom. I do find it quite strange that the Band's parents were away for all this time and not once did they ask to speak to me during many lenghty conversations they had with their son. I don't care - they treat me like a daughter in law and not a daughter so I dont miss anything. To be quite honest its been quite peaceful without the dad's presence and the mum's banshee screaming antics.

However the band called now to ask me what I was cooking for dinner tonight. Now I usually just drop whatever I plan on cooking off at my mum's in the morning and I pick it up in the afternoon on my way home. Convenient and lazy people say, but that is why I have the bestest mother in the whole wide world. I told him what I asked mum to make and than he asked me if there was a lot. I don't usually make a whole lot of food as we are only 2 and the band eats like a bird. So I told him it isnt a lot and when I asked him why he proceeded to tell me that oh cos his parents are coming home and will be home by 6pm.

Grrrr - As if. First of all nobody told me that they were coming home early, nobody told me to cook for them and since they couldnt care less whether I was living or dead while they were away why should I care to cook for them. Besides I have been at work for the whole day, its a different thing if I was at home. Let their beloved pregnant daughter who is suddenly behaving like little miss saint come home and cook for her parents.

I know that I am mean and nasty and I am not usually like this. I am a sun child and am usually really forgiving and will always go out of my way to help everyone. Its not that they ill treat me but its their principles that really get to me at times. It really gets to me that when I see them they talk about everyone under the sun but things that matter. I grapple with the fact that they always preach about others and yet they pretend that nothing is wrong in their own home. I always believe sweep your own door first before sweeping others. It irks me that they appear so normal when clearly they have a problem. I cant understand how they can throw huge boulders and bricks yet they living in a pretty huge glass house if you ask me.

I love the band and its because of him that I am happy. Yes we have our moments and yes we argue and fight and squabble but loving him and him being him makes it all worth it. Even though his family totally pisses me off I am there because of him. I just get upset when it feels like I am being taken advantage off - not by the band - but by the in-laws......

Losers.....

I haven't been blogging much and although the urge hits me often, I don't have much time. I keep saying that I don't have the time, but I blog mostly at work and things have been hectic. It appears that things have taken a turn for the better here at work. Touch wood. I keep thinking that my luck is going to run out and things are going to start going pear-shaped again. The last few months have been pretty rough but I think I have weathered the stormy waters.

The main person who used to make my life a living nightmare, the MD for one of the departments that I look after, has actually come around. He now says thank you when I take him stuff and doesn't treat me like an idiot. I keep thinking that today something will happen but I am confident that things have gotten much better. My boss even seems a bit different. Maybe the complaints have stopped so she doesn't have need to be irritated. I received a few calls last week from employment agencies and I did send them my cv but to be quite honest I don't think I really want to leave right now.

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. I am really grappling with the fact that the band's family haven't mentioned a word to me regarding his sister's pregnancy. I know that it is none of my business and that it does not concern me. However I am a member of their family, I do see them everyday much to my irritation and when I see them they are pretty normal and they talk about everything and everyone under the sun but this. I do feel like an outsider and yesterday I just lost it. The band and I had a huge argument and everything that I have been bottling up since all this started came out. I guess thats why they say that one shouldn't bottle things up. I didn't want to make a big deal about it and kept thinking to myself this is not about YOU, but to be quite honest it is a big deal and it does bother me.

Ever since the sister announced that she is pregnant, they fawn around her like she is some fragile doll. Yes she is with child but don't they care who the father is, is she going to bring this little being up alone, do they not care what their daughter gets up to. Or maybe then they do all know and I am the one in the dark. It's such a twisted story that totally gets me in a tizz and seriously upsets me every single day. I am really battling to make peace with it. I keep repeating this mantra that it is none of my business and does not concern me.

I voiced my feelings to the band yesterday and even though it came out through an argument, I am glad that it has come to light. I am glad that he knows how I feel and I hope that this gives him some food for thought.

In other news, I received some extra cash last month as part of a performance bonus, it wasn't a lot due to the company not meeting all targets etc, but it was something and I purchased a set AMC pots. Hmmmm who ever thought that I would be excited at purchasing pots. They are absolutely lovely and have a lifetime guarantee. My mum has a set and I am so used to them that I had to get my own. Even though I don't cook everyday thanks to mother - I love cooking and I think that the pots are truly an investment.

So here's to happy cooking and less feeling like a loser regarding other people's scandals..... :)

Woes....

I don't know. To be quite honest I am not in a very good space right now. I keep saying I don't care and it's not my problem or its not my family so why should I bother - but honestly I can't seem to move past it and I can't seem to understand why. I am so not like this but....

The Band's sister is pregnant and I supposedly don't know about it. I only know whatever he has told me and that isn't much anymore. Initially when she told him, he seemed really worried about the dad's reaction and we spoke about it and he was really confused about how this all came about. Than about 2 weeks ago the bombshell dropped and nothing. The disaster that we predicted didn't happen, infact quite the opposite. The Band told me that his dad is upset about this but he feels that now at least he will have his own grandchildren instead of spoiling others. The band than one evening very proudly commented that he is going to be an uncle and can't wait to buy the baby fancy branded name clothes. That was when I made a pact with myself not to discuss this with the Band any longer.

I did't want to know what was happening. It sickened me. I don't have anything against single moms or having children out of wedlock. Please I do not have my head buried in the sand but these are people who are quick to comment and judge on other people. They have no qualms about jibing at others, blabbering an opinion or merely just discussing any body who they feel like discussing for the moment. The mum as soon as she sees me will fill me in on everyone's gossip. Like I honestly care. I just felt that I couldn't share the band's excitement because it goes against what I believe in. Besides if she has someone serious, shouldn't she bring him home and maybe get married. Nobody knows, or maybe I just dont know who the father is. Yet she keeps proclaiming to work late - when isn't that excuse is what got her knocked up in the first place. Maybe I am old-fashioned or old school but it just doesn't sit right with me.

Nobody has mentioned a word since all was revealed. I supposedly don't know. To be quite honest, I feel like an outsider. Umm hello what do they think that I don't know anything, that the band and I dont communicate. The band doesn't really say anything anymore either. It is like a non-event in our life and yet he is always hovvering over his sister like she is some fragile doll. I know I shouldn't care. It's got nothing to do with me but what about principles. Do I as a member of their family not have a right to know and what happens when she starts showing. How do they explain that one?

I feel like an outsider.