Thursday, January 31, 2008


I came in to work this morning and feel like I have run a marathon. Two days out of the office, a hundred and one emails later and I feel like I need sleep. Tons of sleep. I feel soooo tired. I am so glad that is Friday tomorrow. One would never guess that I was out of the office for 2 days. So my exam went well. I didn't end up studying really hard. I figured that since it was an open book exam it wouldn't be too hard. And it wasn't. It was more objective and I think that they were more concerned with the student's own views etc. I didn't think it went badly. I just hope that my marks reflect that.

So I got the job that I was being interviewed for. I had a few nostalgic moments this morning when the offer was made. It is not a grand offer in terms of salary, but the exposure will be great. I find myself getting excited and yet still feel a bit nervous. What if I hate it, what if I don't adapt quickly, what if this and what if that? But I figured that I have nothing to loose and if I hate it than at least I know that I tried it and it isnt for me. I have been in this department for a really long time and even though there were times all I wanted to do was throw in the towel, I stayed and persevered and have in turn learn't a great deal. I know that I need a change and a new challenge will be great. I have been contemplating this for some time now, but last year everything in my life was so off balance that I felt work was the only stable aspect of my life and I decided to shelve any ideas.

So yeah - Im excited and a bit nervous and scared. But its a chance and a challenge and I am sooo up for it.

I just hope that everything else in my life can just kind of fall into place. I am so tired of the wondering and the guessing. It sometimes just all seems so complicated and I really wish that the complicatedness can pass. I get very antsy and anxious at times and I know I shouldn't, cos it's just stressing me out totally. And Stress is bad - right.

I am just crossing my fingers that it all works out in the end. There just seems so much to deal with at the moment; Sweets and I getting married, where we going to live, his family and their weird overpossessiveness and everything else that is so stressing me out at the moment. It all just seems so complicated!!!!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Down Memory Lane

I feel as if I am drowning. There is just sooo much to do and I don't know if I can do it all. I feel like I have a million and one things to do and I don't really know where to begin. I was a bit miffed this morning cos the weekend went by too quickly and all I wanted to do was sleep.

My weekend was pretty uneventful. Friday I just chilled with Sweets and had the most amazing evening just being alone, chilling and enjoying each other's company. I realised something this morning, that I really really miss him when we are apart. On Saturday I went to a little sleepy town called Heidelberg. It's just down South on the N3 and not very far away. The visit made me me feel nostalgic and I felt a little overwhelmed wiith these emotions. This was the place that I grew up in. I grew up in this little sleepy town, that is now so developed and has become well-known as a retreat away from the city.

As we were driving through the streets, with the sun shining and clouds rolling above us my mind was wandering back to those days when things seemed so easy and carefree. I lived there for 18 years and although I was born in Johannesburg, I grew up in this little town just 55 km from the big city. My childhood is something that movies are made off and I will always treasure those memories. I had this beautiful dollhouse and kids from the neighbourhood could be found at my house from the early hours of the morning until the sun set at night. We would spend hours together after school and during holidays hanging out, playing and just having fun. It was a time of first bicycles and scraped knees and mud cakes.

As we outgrew the dolls and the obsession with our appearances and boys began, it was this journey into young adulthood that sealed the deal on a friendship that is still somehow intact today. Yes we all have our lives but we never cease to keep in touch and my one close friend N, with whom I share a myriad of memories. First kisses and crushes and the tears that accompany a broken heart were all part of this lasting friendship. There were times when we sat outside in cool blowing breeze, bored out of our skulls and yet it was the best time we had because we were together and that was all that counted. It was a time of growing up, finding ourselves and entering adulthood. We were an entourage and it was always the case of the more the merrier.

And than I had to move away - it was the most saddest day of my life. Yes I wasnt relocating far away but still nothing was going to be the same. Time were changing, we were growing up and it was time to move on. We are still close friends but we live in different cities now. Yes we keep in touch by email and phone but we each have our own lives. I miss that at times. The closeness, the freedom of knowing that there is someone who's got your back. Yes i've made new friends and although it is filled with its own memories, I can't forget those that have basically sculpted me in the person I am today. I am glad I got to experience a childhood like that and I would want to give my children the same sort of upbringing one day. In today's society, it's hard but I can try.

As we were driving out of Heidelberg, I didn't feel sad. I have moved on and even though I miss that part of my life at times I realise that I'm all grown up now and things wouldn't have stayed the same. As each one of us grew up and moved on so did I. I only had to do it much sooner than the rest of the clan. If I look back it really was the best experiences that anyone can wish for, even though it was marred by painful situations with regards to my family life. I am glad that I was lucky enough to experience a childhood like mine. As we were driving back towards to Johannesburg a warm glowing feeling overcame me and it made me appreciate the memories of so long ago.....

Thursday, January 24, 2008


I haven't had much inspiration to write the last two days. I just cant find the inspiration to do much these days. I am blaming it all on the crappy weather. I wonder if the sun's gone into hiding or something. 2 Weeks with cloudy skies and rain rain rain is enough to drive anyone over the edge. Its like the world is dull and dreary and miserable.

I am irritated with everything. I have an interview this afternoon. I know that I need to prepare for it - but im not phased by it. It should be fine - I hope. So Sweets and I had the dreaded conversation again. This time it was more serious and I could feel him getting a little uptight. In the past we would have gotten angry and upset and a fight would have brewed. In this case we sat civilly both trying to compromise and let the other know how we feel. I was very nice about it but also very diplomatic. I am not going to back down. I know that I am probably being mean but living with his family is just ridiculous. Not when we both can afford to live on our own. I must admit that at times I felt like a lawyer putting her case forward. A very weak case. But than again his was even weaker. I just hope against all odds that I get what I want. I might be selfish but I am trying to look at the broader picture and living with his parents is just going to cause unnecessary strain on our relationship. I don't have anything against them - i mean they have never been nasty or mean to me. But they are very different and I just feel that in today's day and age it doesn't make sense. I just hope that gets to see my point of view instead of being blinded. I know that it would be for the best.

I am writing an exam in a weeks time. I haven't even started studying. It's a course that I did last year as I needed the credit to gain entrance into a study programme. So I enrolled and it wasnt the most easiest of tasks. It really is hard to work and study and I take my hat off to all those people who seem to manage it so effortlessly. It's an open book exam and those are supposed to be easy right? Wrong. I will study this weekend.

I am feeling so drained.... I wish it were Friday already....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Beach

I soooo wouldn't mind being here right now.......

Monday, January 21, 2008


Why does the weekend go by so quickly. I didnt even do much and now its over and the week's begun. I sound like the proverbial complainer. This weather is not doing much for my mood. I feel very grumpy and really just wish that the sun would come up. At least our server's back up. We can at least send and receive mail, however not all our mails have been restored, crappy crap. My mum is doing a little better - not 100% better - but better. I worry about her. Overall I didn't do much - had to cook and keep house and look after my mum - but I chilled yesterday, which was great.

I was watching re-runs of Greys Anatomy and I can't wait for season 4 to start. I was watching the final episode and who wouldn't want a Mcdreamy speech like the one he gave Meredith about him wanting more cos she is the love of his life. I felt like clobbering her when she just made some lame excuse and ran off.... Pathetic I know.

So I was informally interviewed for a position in a different department today. I must say that it looks very interesting. The hiring manager for the position seems really nice and was very upfront about the going on's in her department. I have decided that I need a new challenge, I need change and I have nothing to loose. The company that I work for is great and there are other areas in the business where I can add value. I am a little excited, but ssshhhh cos sometimes my excitement is rather shortlived.

I am still stressing about a myriad of things and I just wish that they can all be resolved soon. Its like I am in stress mode and I keep finding things to bug about. I started feeling some serious case of losers on Sunday morning. The weather in all it's rainy glory - is not good for my mood. I know that I have so much to be thankful for and yet I bug and stress about things. I just hope that it all works out in the end - cos stressing is sure as hell putting a whole lot of strain on things.....

Friday, January 18, 2008


The weather's gone pear-shaped again. The load shedding issue is wreaking havoc with work and I feel like I am running a marathon. The only consolation is that at least we don't have any work to do. We have been offline since Wednesday, so that means no emails, no communication except by telephone.

My poor mum is not well and it was up to me to take on the responsibilities of getting my brother to school, making lunches, making sure she is fine, coming to work and still leaving early to open up her business. It's hectic. I am proud to say that I have managed this far. Talk about growing up and shouldering a ton of responsibilities. Granted I do my fair share around the house, but my mother does the majority. So with her lying ill in bed it was up to me to make sure the household runs smoothly. Hectic hectic hectic. I feel her so sorry lying in bed too exhausted weak to get up. She so isnt the type to just lie in bed. I hope she gets better soon, cos I want my mother back.

Sweets and I had an argument last night. Sometimes the happenings of the past get a little too much and I get a bit emotional. I know that I have forgiven him and we are happier than ever, but there are times when I think a little too much and cant understand the reasons behind our breakup. It hurts at times and although he is nothing but sweet and supportive last night got a bit rough. Men are like that - once something is done its done and they dont dwell on issues. Us woman are emotional beings and we have to have reasons to understand and justify stuff. So even though we have sorted things out and discussed the issues that caused us to break-up as well as the confusion that came with it, there are times when I fall a little by the wayside and freak out. I know I shouldn't - I should forget about it all. I know I have forgiven him- than why at times do I feel like bringing it all up again. Maybe I need therapy just to make me understand it all in my own mind.

I am the type of person who will always want to understand what went wrong where. How did things get to that point and what can be done to fix it. I think it helps me find closure in a situation and maybe gives me insight into why a certain situation occurred. With this situation, although we have spoken about it and I did reach closure in a sense - otherwise I wouldn't have got back together with him and I wouldn't have said yes when he asked me to marry him. But its just at times when things come up than the reminders come flooding back. That is not healthy cos I just now that it's going to cause strain with our relationship. I just need to understand a few things.....

Why are relationships so hard at times. They require so much of work - but I know that Sweets and I are worth the efforts and the hard work. He makes me totally happy and even in times of conflict we will always manage to resolve our issues. I am confident and positive regarding "US" and firmly believe that no matter what happened in the past year has only made our relationship stronger.

I am so glad its the weekend. I don't have any plans but after last weekend and the negativity surrounding the guests that were visiting for the weekend, I don't mind not doing anything at all. It is amazing how being surrounded by negative people can totally make one feel miserable, sad and melancholy. We are positive people and no matter what adversity we are going through we will always find time to laugh. I think that is what has made our family unit this strong bond that it is today. We weren't always like that and when we were living with my dad it was even worse. His erratic temper and tantrums would always send us into a frenzy of misery. But ever since he moved out and we managed to get on with our lives - things have been very different in our household. It's like we are on this constant holiday. Yes there are times when we argue or fight - but we will never let it get us down and will always make peace within a few hours or even minutes. Nothing lasts for days and nobody walks around with their faces sweeping the ground.

But last weekend was the absolute pits. We had family over and they are going through their own issues at the moment. What really got to me was the fact that they were supposed to be visiting away from home. What was supposed to be a fun relaxing weekend turned out to be a tense and negative situation with us in the middle of it all. Yes they have problems that they are trying to deal with, but we all have problems. We all have issues that we are trying to grapple with. Their whole negative mood kind of set the tone for the weekend and by the time Monday morning rolled around we were skirting the pits of depression. It was awful. I think that's what got my mum ill as well.

I am all for positives and looking up on the bright side. I still remember when Sweets and I were having all those problems and when he had dealt one ugly blow after another - nobody outside of my immediate family knew what I was going through. I wasn't Mary Poppins but I made an attempt and didn't even let things get bad at home. Yes i cried often and was more often miserable than not but I made an effort and an attempt. But not these people. Its like they walk around with the world's problems on their heads, make their problem everyone elses and just end up depressing everyone else in the process. Its as though they are looking at everyone for answers, sympathy and their opinion when in actual fact they have made their minds up and just want approval that they are doing the right thing. It alls boils down to living for yourself and not for what other's think. If something makes you happy than your decision is half made already. Don't look at others for their opinion cos it will just make you miserabe in the end....

Hmmmm - I think that's enough introspection for one day.....

Monday, January 14, 2008


I started this post yesterday and didnt end up completing it. I felt so tired and drained and with most people back from leave its like the working year has finally begun. I was busy busy busy and didnt get much time for anything.....

Monday's half attempt at blogging:
I feel like I have just run a marathon. My weekend was busy busy and more busy. By yesterday afternoon - A dark cloud had settled over me, cos I just felt that the weekend was over and I didn't get any me time. I felt like I was moving on fast-forward.

Friday night I went to visit the most beautiful and gorgeous baby girl I have ever seen. She looks like this little porcelain doll. I felt so sorry for this little innocent being. From the day she was born, she has been in the middle of a custody battle between her biological parents and her new adoptive parents. What was supposed to be a happy event and one mother's self-sacrifice to bring joy and love into the lives of two people who are dearest to her, became a living nightmare. Unfortunately the little angel was termed to have been born with a genetic defect and on hearing this, the adoptive parents refused to take the child. How insensitive and how low can people be?

The nature of the genetic defect is still not clear and the baby looks like a normal little baby girl. Only the tests will reveal whether she does have it or not. However in all this stress and tension, the adoptive parents couldn't decide if they wanted the baby or not. First it was their perfect life and they had no space for this little being. Than they needed time to think about it and than it was no rather not and than again they decided that they wanted it. In all this confusion the biological parents decided that no matter what the baby is theirs and whether it is normal or not, they will care and love it. I keep thinking that this little innocent being is not a toy or a piece of clothing that you walk into the shop to buy. I sometimes wonder about the morals of people and whether they really really wanted a child, or was it just the novelty of having a baby. All babies are cute and adorable but this little girl is almost angelic. How can anyone not want this little baby, who is so peaceful and looks so beautiful as she lies there in her cot.

We had guests over on Saturday for the weekend. Although these are people that we are rather close to, I was totally irritated by the time they left yesterday. My cousin who I was trying to hook up with someone is the most morbid person I have ever met. First of all, she and her sister dont speak a word. They will talk when they are spoken to, but they are not engaging at all. They were miserable and irritating and I couldnt believe that these people are actually my cousins with whom I share numerous childhood memories with. I came to work this morning feeling very negative and miserable. I have decided that I don't want to get involved in her dramas. I have tons of my own and nobody helps me. So the guy that I was wanting to get her hooked up - sorry. And it will be more her loss - cos I think that he is a really nice guy. She has these strange ideals and perceptions and I don't want to get involved in her dramatics. She is old enough and she probably knows what she wants. Besides there is very few people who will jump to get involved and seriously show compassion in my drama's.

That being said, my weekend was ok.... Nothing too fantastic - just busy being busy!

I saw Sweets fleetingly over the weekend. He had family commitments but made time to come see me on Sunday night. I am so impressed by the level of maturity that our relationship has reached. I know that the happenings of last year has a lot to do with it. Even though I don't like to admit this, but the break-up and the time apart actually made us grow up and value what is important. I happen to like this new place that we are in. Touch Wood - LOL.....

I am feeling really tired and one would never guess that I have just come back from leave. It's as though I have never left. My need for change is still as imminent as ever and I am seriously scanning the job market looking for opportunities. There is also this need for more financial gain - there is nothing like a few added 1000's to really add some Ooomph. LOL.....
That sounded really funny. I know that I am very picky and fussy and will find fault with almost everything, but its time that I looked at the bigger picture and focused on what really matters and that is job satisfaction. I want to do something that will make me want to get up in the morning, that will challenge me and make me want to get up and go. I want, I want, I want.....

Hhmmmph - Will I ever get??????

Friday, January 11, 2008


Its cold and I don't like the cold. I don't mind the rain but after 4 days of cloudy skies and torrents of rain with no sunshine and not to mention the cold - I really want the sun to come out. I mean it is summer after all. Its amazing how the weather can affect one's mood. I woke up on Tuesday and felt myself spiral into this gloomy haze, just like the weather.

I had an interesting chat with my boss yesterday and I must say that she is really keen on helping me sort out my career dilemmas. It's a welcome change where before she was very hesitant whenever I applied for stuff. However she is encouraging me to apply for positions and has given me guidance and insight into which areas of the business I would enjoy. I was very honest and upfront with her with my feelings towards my current position and she was really understanding. Also I have been doing the same thing for the past 4 years, a change will be good. I just need to keep my eyes open and look out for suitable positions. I hope it wont take very long.

Im so glad its the weekend. Although I dont really have any plans, except my cuz is coming to visit. I am trying to hook her up with some guy that I know, but I am not sure if it is actually such a good idea after all. I don't know what is up with her - but she seems to have this ideal man that she is looking for. I just think that her perceptions are all wrong and she needs to be realistic. She turns down potential dates and seems to be very picky. So I am really not sure if I should even bother. And besides this guy is my friend who I think is rather sweet. So will see this weekend what happens.

I am really starting to bug about sweets and I and the fact that once we married where we are going to live. In typical old fashioned culture, the newly married couple live with the in-laws. The daughter-in-law has to adapt to the ways of the household. In today's day and age I just dont think that this sort of tradition is healthy. When he came back from overseas there was talk of us getting our own place, which is the right or normal thing to do. However than there was talk of us rather living with his parents and I was pretty upfront about my concerns and qualms. I don't have anything against his family. They have been nothing but really sweet and nice to me. However what about our own independance and privacy. Getting married and living together is very different to just dating. We will have to learn to be able to live with each other. Also where will our sense of responsibility come in. I am sorry to say this but his family is a little on the strange side. They are just different. I dont think it will be healthy for us to live there.

I have voiced my concerns, I dont want to find myself in a situation where there will be conflict or underlying issues. At the end of the day they are his parents and in the same way that I would expect him to respect my family I would want to respect and love his. But living together in my opinion will just cause unnecessary drama's which will inadvertantly cause friction and tension. And that will so obviously spill over into my relationship with Sweets. I come from a culture that is very small-minded and set in their ways. I don't know why but often when two people get married, it's as though the girl is getting married to the guys entire family. They expect her to do things that they wouldn't expect their own daughters to do and one wrong move and the daughter-in-law is the baddy. I am not saying that his family is like that. They do appear to be broad and open-minded but I do kind of know them rather well. They are pedantic about little things and petty little issues get to them. They also tend to have little little conflicts amongst themselves and I don't know if I want to be apart of that. I get scared thinking about it because getting married is for life. It would mean forever.

I also don't have very nice experiences from the past. I saw what living with my grandparents did to my parents relationship. It eventually led to the breakdown of their marriage. My dad was too weak to be able to stand up for the rights of his family. I don't know what it is with mother-in-laws from the Indian community. It's like their lifelong goal to be mean and cruel to their daughter-in-laws. I am not saying that his mum is like that - but she is different. And that is what scares me. On the other hand they are his family and I don't want to sound like I don't like them. When we had this conversation a few weeks ago - he was like he wants me to think about it and decide. I was honest and upfront but we didn't finish the conversation. We haven't really brought it up again. There are times when he will say oh you know when we stay here at my parents house it will be like this or that and than there are times when he talks about staying on our own and how it will be living in our own place.

I know I have to bring it up again and discuss it. A part of me is scared of the outcome. I just hope I can make him see reason - cos if I can't than what. I don't want to have to go and live with his family. I really really dont. I am not sure how it will be and that is what scares me. Scares me to the point of making me think twice about marrying him. I know that shouldnt be a determining factor as I know that I love him and he makes me very happy. But I don't know what will happen to us and to me if we have to live with them once we are married..... It's a thought that scares me.........

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

School - A Bunch of Memories

It is cold and rainy and miserable today. When my alarm clock rang all I wanted to do was bury my head deeper into the pillow and forget that I had to come to work today. I feel sorry for all the children going to school today. What a depressing start to the school year. This morning on the radio they were talking about their first day of school. It made me think back to my first day of primary school. Gosh how I hated to primary school. Isn't it supposed to be this lovely experience filled with all the adventures of growing up. Although it is filled with great amounts of angst and pangs of growing up - my experiences were horrendous. I was unfortunate to have went to a small town local primary school. There was this air of ugly competitiveness that did not come from the children but rather their parents. Although I sometimes miss the closeness of a small community the one that I grew up in is not one I would like to go back to.

To all those girls that made my life a living hell in those first few years of school - Karma is a bitch. I know that its is mean of me to say something like that and I am not one to think of revenge or bear grudges - but in this case they will deserve it. There was this one girl who although we were close at some point was the most evil little girl I have ever come across. She was the leader of the pack and would instigate everyone to fight and bicker and be cruel towards others. I wonder sometimes what is it about children that makes them behave that way. School was a nightmare for me. H0wever I went on to become close to a few girls with who I share some very special memories. And even today we are still close and keep in contact often.

Although we have moved on and have separate lives, there is this bond between us that will be there forever. F - you naughty naughty girl with who I took such risks. She married young, has 2 children and is still as beautiful as ever. N - the serious one of us all. She went on to become a successful lawyer and we remain close as ever. R - the most aloof one of the lot. And not to forget to mention S - this lovely person who was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. How can I forget these 4 people who were such an important part of when I was growing up. It was only during high school that we became close and some of the best memories were born from this friendship

High school was cool - N and I went to same school. We had to travel a great distance by bus and that was the hardest. I must add that are there some experiences that I will never forget. The cute freckle faced boy who was like my best friend. The greek who was such a sweet gentleman and than there was the would be pilot. Wasn't he such a tease and such fun to have around. The rugby player - who I had such a crush on. I blush when I just think of it. The endless amounts of chappies and the Fizz Pop suckers that we all consumed as we rode the bus to and from school everyday. Those are such sweet memories - I smile every time I think of them. Those were such carefree times and although school was such a drag and we had to get up really early just to get the bus at 6:00 am those were some really fantastic times. And let me not forget the sweet innocent K, who was not so innocent after all. LOL....

Overall when I think about it - school wasn't so bad after all. I survived the trauma of being bullied in primary school and made it through high school which had it's own dramas. A bunch of memories that despite highs and lows still makes me smile. To all the children out there make the most of your years at school - cos once they gone - you will never get them back.....


My first day back at work was rather unproductive. It's still relatively quiet around here which gave me enough time to go through the one million and one emails that my inbox was flooded with. But I managed to sift through the junk and get everything in order. I don't like clutter and spent most of yesterday archiving stuff and filing it all away. Clutter is something that really can get me in a tizz.

I have a weakness for stationery. Funny how every year before the school year begins, I will go shopping for stationery and I think it kind of makes me miss being in school again. Strange I know. Anyhoo I bought some stuff and I now have a pencil bag that is brimming with stuff.....

Yesterday towards the afternoon, I was overwhelmed with a serious case of losers. I think taking back some of the workload from the lady who was overseeing it all, made me feel really crappy. Its the same old stuff that I now need to focus on concentrate on. The same old crap and the same old deadlines. It made me feel a tad bit crappy. It just made me realise that I am tired as in really tired of doing the same old stuff. I know I have been saying it for a really long time, but I am tired of what I am doing. I have been doing the same thing for 3 years now. I have become really good at it and there are times when I feel this rush when I get things all organised. But I hate the admin part of it, the tedious tasks of seeing a million people and being the person responsible when the shite really hits the fan. Overall I think I am bored and not being stimulated enough.

I know I am the type of person who gets bored very easily. I constantly need stimulation or my mind wanders and it can make me very upset. I dont know why but its like I have this itchy feeling to try and do something different or new. Funny coming from me, cos I think a small part of me is actually afraid of change. I prefer to stick to the tried and tested. However its making me miserable and a change is something that I really, really need. I think that what I am missing is a sense of adventure of rather a sense of doing something different. It's the mundaneness that is really getting to me.

I must admit that last year, i shelved a lot of things one being getting another job and trying something new. There was so much turmoil and confusion in my life and I didnt know what in the world had gone wrong with my relationship with T. That was the one person in my life that was stable and constant and suddenly everything had changed in an instant and I was wrecked with confusion and this sense of no direction. Work became this one constant in my life that was familiar and somehow made me feel safe and secure when everything else in my life was pretty chaotic. But I now feel that I have reached my sell-by-date doing what I am currently doing. I know I can do it with my eyes closed. There is no challenge anymore. I know I have been saying this for a long time - but I am bored. Bored of my current job. I am feeling very frustrated and almost feel like I am bounded by a straitjacket and I am wriggling to break free. But the decisions lie with me and it is up to me to take a step and make a decision. It is not going to fall in my lap, I will have to take the first step and get the ball rolling.

I don't know where to start and exactly what I want to do or where I want to go. But I do know that I need a change and it has to be really soon. I just hope that I get the answers and somehow something new and exciting comes up. I don't think that I want to carry on in my field of work that I am working now. Yes it might be a different company with a different portfolio but it will still entail the same sort of thing. I need to make some informed decisions and take steps to make a change. I also don't want to make decisions in haste and end up regretting them but I dont want to take too long cos I can feel myself getting really miserable.....

I think I must sound like a stuck record going on and on about this. It's something that I have been thinking about only now. I have been feeling like this for a really long time, and didnt do anything about it. I keep thinking that if I dont do something now, the whole year will go by and I will be still going on about the same things. Even though at times I feel very skeptical about change, I dont think change is bad. I know I am adaptable and will be able to make it if I have to. I just have to put my mind to it.....

Monday, January 07, 2008

New Beginnings

Today is officially the first day of 2008 for me. Today is my first day back at work and although I wasnt really looking forward to it, im glad to be back. I really wanted to post an end of year posting reflecting back on the past year and highlighting the happenings, the should have's and most importantly the learnings. However I was just too busy to get anything written down. Although I'm glad to be back, i know that I really have to sit and decide the direction that I want to take with regards to my career. If I don't another year will pass me by and I will be sitting in the same boat saying the same old story.

I must admit that I am feeling rather excited and rejuvenated about the year ahead. It's a far cry from last year when I came back and felt the year stretching ahead of me with little happiness or anything to look forward to. I should be thankful and I am grateful. It's been a hectic couple of weeks and I cant believe that I was away for 3 weeks. Although it seems like a long time, it wasn't. There was just too much to do and too much happenings to take note of the days sliding by.

I left this place on the 14th of December full of excitement, because I was leaving for Durban the next day. My holiday was lovely, except for some crappy weather some days, it was brilliant. We relaxed and did our own thing and came back feeling really great. Im glad I got to treat my mother, she really needed this break and its amazing what the sun and the sea and that glorious feeling of the sand between your toes can do for a person. We came back on the 20th and had 4 days to prepare for Sweets to come back. However in all that I still had to tell my mother that he and I were planning on getting engaged when he came back. I didnt tell her in the nicest of ways and I think she imagined the worst possible situation. I think I shocked her more than anything else and in hindsight maybe I could have handled it a tad bit better. Sweets landed on Christmas Day and what a different day it turned out to be compared to the one of last year. Somehow it seemed that things had come full circle. Who thought that come Christmas 2007 things would be so different. But different in a good way.

We have been spending a great amount of time together, there seems to be so much to discuss and talk about. There is talk about where we going to live and what happens next and blah, blah, blah. Its all the not nice things to discuss, but we have to in order to know where we each stand on issues like that. Im glad that we talking about things like that and I am surprised at his insight and is thinking. I didnt think that T and I would ever be able to sit and discuss serious important issues and I think that is what got me getting scared in the first place. However we did and although its not all sorted we getting there.

I find myself getting excited with planning a wedding and stuff but at times I feel a tad bit bad. Its a huge burden on my mum and I know she will want the best for me. Things could have been so different but I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

There is a great deal to think about my career and where the hell I want to go with it. I dont know what I want to do and whether I am in the right field. While I was at varsity I loved what I was studying and could clearly envisage working in that field. However things panned out a little differently and I find myself often confused about the path I want to take. I want to do something that I love, something that will make me have a purpose and something that will allow me the freedom to really want to get up in the morning. I often look at others who enjoy their jobs with a envy. Not envy in a bad sense, just that I wonder if I will ever be like that. Im crossing my fingers that i will be able to make the right decisions and end up being happy.

So the year stretches ahead of me, I feel that I need to do something, anything. But what is the question. I know that there are endless opportunities out there and I just need to find them. I also pray a lot that things will get better. There just seems like there is so much to do and one doesnt know where to start.....

A new year, new beginnings and excitement - that is how I feel.............