Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Things I learn't in 2010

  • That no matter how hard your heart is breaking, the world does not stop for your grief.
  • The physical ache of a broken heart and the bitter, vile taste of disappointment is so acute it almost always takes your breath away.
  • Positive thinking really does work
  • Get up, Dress up and most importantly Show up – no matter how hard it may be
  • Smile :)
  • Hope and Faith in the Almighty is like a beacon of light when you have lost your way.
  • Prayer truly is the balm for the soul
  • Family – special moments, laughter and fun times. It’s in trying times that family count the most
  • Lasting friendships that seem to grow with every milestone
  • How people treat you is their Karma, how you treat them back is yours.
  • No matter how much you think you love someone and how much you think that you will never be able to live without them – if you happen to find yourself in such a situation you can and you will.
  • That people who you love have a right to leave you and you have to allow them that right

  • Nothing lasts forever
  • Silence is the best weapon
  • It’s not nice to be not nice
  • Spending time with little people (kids) is the best therapy
  • Although the world outside looks the same, your world is changing and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except embrace the change and make it work for you
  • True character is shown in times of adversity
  • Its best to be honest, regardless of how much trouble you going to be in. Honesty is best.
  • When faced with choices, the harder of the 2 is usually the right one.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


2 years ago today, I walked down the aisle in a billowing white fairy gown, entwined with organza and satin and little swarovski crystals to finish off the detail. The day was magical and I walked down the aisle with the promise of forever etched in my mind.

The sea of pink, white and silver glittered in the lovely December sunlight. There was a sense of magic in the air. My fairtytale had come true and I truly was the princess.

However where fairytales have happy endings, prince Charming on a handsome white horse and happily ever afters my Charming turned out to be quite the monster in disguise and alas my fairytale turned out to be quite a horror movie.

I feel a little sad at times. My wedding was near perfect. One only gets one shot at things like this and I blew that one chance. But I realise now that a perfect, beautiful wedding is not enough for the happily ever after. And T and my happily after is a mere distant memory and one that I would rather leave behind.

And so in saying this -

I am OK. It truly is a miracle, because I never imagined it possible - but I am OK.

Today dawned bright and clear and just as promising as every other day. As the sun will set, all I can say is a prayer of thanks that I have survived and have been saved from a life worse than a prison sentence. I wouldn't want to celebrate this day with the man I married, cos I don't want to be married to him anymore.

I shock myself at times, when I realise this.

But it's the truth..........

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Long Overdue Update...

This blog is in serious need of revival......

I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.

I have Survived.

The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.

It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.

I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.

As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.

Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.

This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.

I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.

The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.

I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....

In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......