Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Long Overdue Update...

This blog is in serious need of revival......

I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.

I have Survived.

The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.

It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.

I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.

As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.

Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.

This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.

I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.

The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.

I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....

In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......

6 comments:

cassey said...

It does sound like it's been a heavy emotional year. Yay you for leaving something bad for you. Hugs

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Cassey.....

Anonymous said...

OMG welcome back! Finally :)

You sound like you are OKAY :) keep going girl, wish you happy holidays and may 2011 be only filled with laughter, happiness and peace.

-Chantal

Blue Sunflower said...

Hey Chantel......

This is a nice surprise.... Please will you mail me - I think it would be great to be friends. My email addy: bluesunflower21@gmail.com

thanks for the kinds words....

Caz said...

You FINALLY blogged :)
Wow friend, I didn't know about the infidelity. That must have just broken you.
i am so sorry for what you've endured and here is trusting for a far happier 2011!

Blue Sunflower said...

Hey Caz.....

Yes I finally blogged. It took me a while didnt it....

Glad to be back, just hope I havent totally lost my blogging mojo....

Yeah the infidelity thing was there and I couldnt accept it. So i blocked it out, refused to acknowledge it. What baffles me is that his family knew about it and they kept saying that I am neurotic, she is just his friend. Well it turns out that he and said friend are getting married soon - so how wrong was I?

It's been a long, hard road and the self-discovery is immeasurable. Every single day I learn something new and I feel proud to say that with all that happened, It changed me for the better. Im grateful for that. I think I will always have certain questions that will haunt me forever but hey I made my peace and letting go is the important thing.

Thanks for always being there on the sidelines cheering me on. I've been pretty absent these past few months, but never absent enough to not know what's happening where. You have a lovely, gorgeous little girl. Cherish her and love as she is well and truly special.....

R you back at work already?