Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Nostalgic Feelings

I keep attempting to blog but I am so busy at work that I think I have about a ton of drafts saved somewhere on here. I am trying to complete everything before the end of the week. Its that time of the year when things are winding down, funny enough things here are rather hectic. It's busy busy and I can't seem to get my head around things. Just when I get focused enough and feel that things are under control, another curve ball comes whizzing at me. Yesterday I felt like hanging my head in despair. I was just so close to sealing the deal on one of my projects and it all just went pear-shaped. AAAARRGHHHH.....

I must admit that im not really in the mood for work and waking up is a mission. I think I am tired. This has been a really tiresome and emotional year and I am feeling a tad bit sad. I miss the man terribly and although there are only 2 weeks left for him to come back it feels like forever. Also I keep thinking of the crappyness of this year and its kind of making me sad. Than i get reminded about it by events happening which are beyond anyone's control. It just transports me back to all those feelings of uncertainty and confusion. Sweets and I have spoken about it and have sorted out all the issues surrounding our break-up but there are times when I feel really saddened by the way things had to be. Yes we managed to sort out our drama, but it makes me sad.

I understand that no relationship is without drama and yet the past few days I have been feeling a little melancholy. And he is so far away that I can't voice my feelings. Although I did on Sunday and he was being super nice and sweet. But there is only so much that you can say over a text message and than there is always that fear that the person reading might misinterpret what you trying to say and that will just too painful to try and get through. I sometimes wonder how people can have relationships by only texting and chatting online. What if there is something that you want to discuss and how do you have a fight when you both online.... Weird.

So this girl that has been part of Sweet's social circle, actually his parents social circle, got married over the weekend. She was married before and has a child and boy oh boy is she one strange cookie. We never liked each other and when sweets and I were broken up she acted like a complete B!Tch when she saw me. I heard through the grapevine that she wanted him and actually was going to great pains to get him to marry her. And she had a great deal of things to say about me, when she didnt even know me. I remember only too well the day I met them at the airport in April. We were all together going to leave some people going overseas and Sweets and I were barely speaking to each other. She took full advantage of it and was practically all over him. The entire episode just made me sick. I was hurt and upset and honestly did think that there was something going on between them. So anyway she got married this weekend and I must admit that it just made me think of all the ugliness and nastiness of that time.

Although it was a horrible time in my life Sweets and I have become better people. Although he was always sweet and caring he seems to different in a good way. If we have an argument he will rationally tell me that he is putting the phone down and will call me back just now. He does and by than we both have calmed down enough to understand each other. In the past we would just go on and on with each other saying one more mean thing after another. So although it was a sad and confused time in both our lives we have both grown up.

I keep thinking about planning our wedding. It is sooo exciting and I often have to pinch myself to stop for fear of jinxing it. He sms me yesterday to tell me that he wants a big wedding. I know that when he gets back there will be some planning and discussing and first we have to make our engagement official. I must admit that there are times when i freak out that what if things go awry again like last year, but Im crossing my fingers that it wont. I cant help but plan stuff in my little head. I still have to tell my mother. That is a scary prospect - It is just so complicated. Sweet's family and mine are so intricately linked and things are a tad bit complicated at times. We have known them for close on 11 years and at times its scary if things dont work out. I just hope and pray that all goes well. Crossing my fingers here.

Wish Me Luck!!!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Mixed Feelings

Its work and work and more work. There are deadlines and projects to hand in and workshops to attend and all this before next week Friday. I cant wait but a part of me is a little worried about whats going to happen here. Its not like things are going to stop - Oh No. I have to hand things over to someone here and I know that she is capable its just that some of the tasks ahead are somewhat near impossible. But come next week Friday I will be smiling cos I leave to go on holiday on Saturday and that is the fun part. I cant wait.



I remember only too well the feelings last year. T and I were on a warpath. It was the beginning of the end for us and I began my holiday with mixed feelings. I was happy that I would be away from here but I was also skeptical because T and I were on such a rocky road. Looking back, I still cant believe that the year is almost over. I can still remember coming back to work in January with a bright smile but all broken up and hurt inside. Looking back this wasnt a very nice year. Yes ive grown up and learnt some lessons that one actually wants to learn but the pain and the heartache and the confusion is something that I would not want to go through again. I know that there were many key players that contributed to the floundering of mine and T's relationship and i know that most of them thought great this is it. Its funny how people seem to thrive on other's misery. However who's having the last laugh now. And the shocked faces on everyone's faces was just good enough for me.



I still haven't told my mother about T and my plans to get engaged. T asked me to marry him a whole long while ago. But we have to make things official with our families. Well he's told them and Ive told my brother. I need to work up the courage to tell her. I think she knows that its going to happen, she is just not expecting it. My mother has been through so much drama over the past year as well that I dont want to alarm her. I think with things going so awry in her life she just wants the best for me and who can blame her. So its picking up the courage to tell her and although she will be thrilled I know that a little part of her is going to be sad.



I cant wait for T to come back. I cant believe how quickly the days are going, but suddenly i feel very nostalgic. I miss him and i cant wait for him to come back. Its only 17 days and he will be back home. I just miss him sooo much. I dont have any plans this weekend and I think its making me miss him more.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

6 Weeks and Counting

I havent blogged in a while. Been really busy with what else but work. Things are really hectic and I hardly find time for anything during the day. To top it all I have to present next week at a workshop that we having. I have to come up with a project that I would like to work on and see to completion. It can be anything and does not have to pertain to our department. I really need to get my head around it and think of something that will not only be unique but will also add value.


Friday is our year end function. Our number has grown from an initial 35 to 65. I think it will be cool, the more the merrier right. However the rest of our team isnt so sure. Infact they are a bit irritated that another department is sommer just gatecrashing our party. Im not too fazed about that. Im more panicked about the weather. I dont know what is up with it lately, its like the weather has suddenly gone potty. I mean yesterday it was a glorious summer's day and today its like cold and rainy and downright miserable. So if Friday morning dawns with pouring rain, I will be royally stuffed. I really need to come up with plan B. But where, how, when? It's really short notice. Please, Please God pleeeeeze dont let it rain.... It can begin to pour on Friday evening - I really dont care....



T sms'd me this morning and told me that he is only coming back on the 7th of January. They have had some change of plans. My first reaction was that he was lying. I honestly think that he is lying. See he is like that - he will do that just to see my reaction and will crack up laughing eventually. I sms'd him back telling him that I dont believe him and that he is lying - but his replies have been pretty serious and he wouldnt joke about something like that for so long. I dont know why but I suddenly feel really sad. I miss him so much and the 7th is like soooo far away. Its like another 6 weeks away. Anyway there is nothing I can do about it. At least we text each other - so that is like such a bonus. I do miss him terribly cos there is only so much one can say in an sms. We had a serious conversation last week with regards to him wanting to make things official between us, as in getting engaged. In my culture we do things a little differently. Getting engaged means a huge glamourous affair, with lovely food and pretty clothes. A part of me is really excited, but there is this part of me that also feels a little scared. I keep thinking back to last year and how pear-shaped things went when the whole getting married issue came up. Im scared that things will go awry again. I am trying not to think too much about it until its all official and everyone knows about it and I mean my family when I say everyone. But it is exciting and I cant help but feel a little excited....

I just miss him soooo soooo much....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Scribbles

The weekend was just too busy for my liking. I ended up doing manual physical labour, that was fun, but overall I just felt like a duracell bunny gone flat when Monday morning rolled around. I slept badly and felt like I needed an extra day to recover. Monday's really get to me. I see Mondays as huge giant Potholes in the road of life. And to top it all, we have a standard meeting with my boss for like 2 hours that just gets me into a total daze.

I have decided to focus on getting my work done on time, instead of hurrying towards deadlines at the last minute. I love the pressure and the hype and buzz that comes with reaching a deadline, but sometimes I just feel so strung out. Unfortunately I tend to loose concentration rather quickly which doesnt help much. But hey im trying and after today and the meeting I had with my team - I feel that I can safely say all our deadlines will be me. Our Year End Function is next week and although I am looking forward to it, a part of me is dreading it. We have some real drama queens here that tend to bitch and moan about everything. Anyhow I have decided not to let it get to me and if they want to complain, than so be it.

Im still missing T, more than ever. I love getting sweet little sms's from him, which makes me miss him even more. Although I cant wait for him to come back, I am also a little scared. He wants to make our relationship official and get engaged. The thought is exciting, I mean that is something that every girl, well almost every girl dreams about since she is little. But its also a litle terrifying. After the dramatics and the complications that happened last year, I still sometimes get all antsy and tend to freak out. But I'm working on it and just trying to take one day at a time and trying to focus on the good parts.

As for my career dilemmas, I have decided to seriously take stock of myself come the new year. I need to sit down, decide what I want to do and where I want to go. I have to decide and stop being scared of change and make some decisions. If I dont, I will find myself in the same place next year, with the same complaints and the should haves. Its all about focusing on me and what I want and what's important to me.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Overwhelmed

I am feeling really crappy this morning. I am not sure why, but I am just feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders and everything seems a little out of sync. Things are a bit tense at home. For no real reason actually. Everyone is irritated and snappy and it is really pissing me off. And lets not forget the double standards - that is just grating on my nerves. I honestly feel to cry. Nothing really happened, but I think there is like some bad karma or something about.....

Work is also not really going very nicely at the moment. Things are just a tad bit screwed up. Funny enough this time it has nothing to do with my boss. In fact she has been nothing but nice and very supportive of my indecisive state of where I want to go with my career. Its my customers; internal business partners that are just pissing me off totally. They are just too slow and to be honest a bit irritating. I feel like my life is screaming for a change career wise - but what and where. Everytime I apply for stuff and think that things are going to be fine, things go horribly pear-shaped that I begin to wonder and question if I must move. But I am frustrated and irritated and really feel that I have reached my sell-by date with what I am currently doing. I dont freaking know what to do. What will interest me? What will I enjoy doing? What if I move and I hate it? Aaargh all these questions and no sense of direction. I often look at others who seem so happy and content with what they are doing with a certain amount of envy. And im not meaning envy in a bad way. I also want to be happy and content and love what I do. I also feel that what I studied and what I am doing is 2 different things, which leaves me feeling very frustrated.

To top it all, I miss Sweets. Sweets as in T. Thats my name for him, I just love calling him that. I love that he keeps in touch via sms, but that doesnt make me miss him any less. I miss hearing his voice and the fact that he has that ability to make me smile, no matter how crap I'm feeling. I just miss him sooo much and am feeling really lonely, cos I miss the fact that I cant just pick up the phone and call him..... This 6 weeks thing is really stretching like forever....

I had the most interesting well rather lack there of conversation with someone who I met for the first time. I went to the airport to leave my aunt who also left for overseas yesterday. I must admit that although this is my mum's sister we are not entirely that close with them. They live really far away and through some or other dramatic saga happening at the time, dont really visit them that often. So I dont really have that much in common with my cousins, it's kind of weird - arent cousins supposed to be close or something. Well anyway, back to the point, there was this girl there, who is married into the extended family and whom obviously I have never met. We were there really early and decided to grab some coffee and breakfast. While we were seated at the coffee shop, I ended up sitting next to the girl in question. She and I proceeded to have the following conversation:

Girl: so are you married?
Me: No, im not.
Girl: So how old are you?
Me: Smiling now, I am 25.
Girl: So do you work?
Me: Umm yes, I do.
Girl: Where?
Me: Umm at ............
Girl: So do you drive?
Me: Yes trying not to laugh

End of conversation....

I mean what the F. This girl didnt even bother to ask me my name, where I'm from nothing. She probably thinks Shame, look at her, she is so old and not yet married. Unfortunately that's how life works in your typical Muslim community. You have to go to school, get married and have children. Now I would probably be classified in the weird category and I must admit that are a lot of people who would fall into this category. However there are also a whole lot of them who think that gettting married and having kids is what life is supposed to be. I mean really. What gives? This girl is married, she is younger than me, they have a kid and her husband is still trying to finish some or other qualification. They are supported by their parents and they think that this is life. But what about money and security and all the other not nice things that real life is all about..... Im not saying that I dont want to marry, hell I do and I do want to have kids. I could have had that all last year if I wanted to. It would have saved me a broken heart at the same time. But I just felt that T and I couldnt get married just because everyone else was pressurizing us to do so. It has to be right for both of us. And to be honest when we got back together and decided to try again, im glad that the whole world didnt know about it. So we managed to sort out the shit that caused us to break up without that same inteferences as before. If I have to be honest, despite all the pain and the heartache, we are both in a more mature place than where we were before. And the thought of marriage doesnt scare me anymore. Infact when T told me that he wants to get married and make things official when he comes back, there was a genuine smile on my face. I am not saying that the thought doesnt scare me anymore, I think I am not as aversive to it as I was than.... So yeah - I firmly believe that there is a time and place for everything. You cant do something just because everyone else is...... That is just lame and will probably end up being the biggest mistake ever....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nostalgia, Insecurities, Hugs N Kisses and Missing T

I don't really like goodbyes. Yes there is always that excitement of when the person comes back but still, Goodbyes are sad, Period. T flew out last night and as we left to come home, I was missing him already. As we stood around waiting, for the plane to board, the feeling of nostalgia and de javu overwhelmed me. It was only 6 months ago that we stood around the same place feeling totally miserable and out of place. T and I were so broken up and were barely talking to each other. Coming home that day felt like returning home from the war and having lost. It was an awful feeling and not one that I would like to go through again.

But yesterday was different and although I was sad that he was going away for a long time, my heart felt lighter and I felt secure in the sense that T really loves me and we are in a place where there is this sense of respect and love and caring. On Sunday night we chatted for a really long time and he again mentioned us getting married next year. He has been talking about it for a while now. I think a part of him is worried that I might get cold feet again like last year. He told me that he is giving me these 6 weeks to decide. I assured him that there is nothing to decide. I've decided already. I must admit that although the thought scares me, I am not as daunted by the idea of it anymore. I just feel scared - scared in the sense of what if it doesnt work.

There are times when I still doubt stuff and I still feel a little insecure. I am not sure where all these insecurities stem from, but a lot has to do with the screwed up relationship that I have with my father. But I think I will leave the dramatics of that for another day. I could feel those familiar pangs of insecurity as he called his friend to say goodbye as we were all standing around waiting for them to board. It was an innocent conversation that was loud enough for me to hear. If I think back to before, if something like that had to happen, I would perform and throw a tantrum and hurl accusations. I tried to not let it get to me, cos in actual fact it was nothing. Just a phone call to say good bye to one of his friends. Although there has never been reason for me to doubt this friendship with her, in the past I constantly had this feeling that every female within a few metres of T wanted to have something with him. However I think that the past year has left me thinking and also made me realise that one of the reasons that T and my relationship floundered was the fact that I would get horribly jealous and insecure and perform and throw tantrums. Pretty childish if you ask me and the past year has made me realise that I have to trust him otherwise there really is no point in us being together. And besides as he keeps pointing out that this is just his friend, he has introduced me to her and he keeps assuring me that I have nothing to worry about. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about, but sometimes I just get a little panicked and feel a little insecure. I do tend to overanalsye stuff, which makes me tend to panic and worry about little trivialties that dont make sense. I think in the end its all about keeping perspective and not letting things get to me.

Yesterday as we hugged each other goodbye - I could feel the tears sting and all I wanted to do was hold on for a few minutes longer. But the time had come for them to depart and as he left to walk into customs I could feel myself missing him already. He sms'd me from the plane before they took off which made me feel somewhat better......

43 Days to go and Counting.....

Monday, November 12, 2007

Blue Monday Blues

I feel ill. Sick as in a blocked and runny nose and not to mention that drained and tired feeling. I feel awful. I dont know when its going to go away, I have been drugging myself with medication every night and day since last week. Some days its fine and than other days I feel like absolute shit. My weekend was busy, busy. On Saturday night I was invited to T's house for dinner. There were so many people and although I was really nervous to go, it was a really nice supper. I think I was more nervous about the fact that the people who had the most to say and actually contributed to the floundering of our relationship were going to be there. But I just put on my prettiest dress and my most adoring smile and pretended like I didnt care. The funny thing is that these are not people that even matter, it wasnt even his immediate family that felt they were justified in commenting in our life. So I just ignored people and rather focused on the people that do actually matter.

Yesterday I visited my nieces and nephew. It was 2 of their birthday's this weekend. I feel old when I see them growing up. I can still remember the day N was born. That was 9 years ago and I was in standard nine and a true rebel. I love giving presents as much as receiving them. I think the pure delight on someones face as they rip open the wrapping paper is reason enough for me to smile....

Today I woke up not feeling to grand and as the hours are rolling by am feeling more and more miserable. T leaves in a few hours time and I have just realised that I am going to miss him soooo much. I told him last night that you made me become so used to you again and I am really going to miss you. I think it has finally hit home that he is going. I know that he will be back, but still 6 weeks is a long time. I am also feeling a bit out of sync, not sure why. I feel listless and devoid of any energy.

Crumbs why wasnt the weekend longer.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Meltdown

I love this time of the year. It's the end of the year, there is a festive air about and its time for the holidays; where one can let one's hair down and spend time by the pool or the beach. I go on leave in about a months time and I really cant wait. The only part that I dont like about Summer is the allergies that plague me. It never used to be so bad, but lately I wake up in the morning with a blocked nose and an itchy throat and not to mention they spluttering eyes that make one feel a tad awful. I never used to suffer this badly from hayfever.

I am still trying to sort out the mess of our office function. I think I just have to understand that I cant please everyone and there will be people who will complain. I cant get how some people will always go out of their way to be difficult. I mean in the holiday spirit and the mere fact that we have seen a whole year pass in this really stressful department is reason enough for me to celebrate. Anyway - I guess there will always be people who will be dissatisfied....

Yesterday I really ended up having an awful day. I think reading up on past journal entries really threw me. I have always had a journal and over the years my urge to write in it has waxed and waned. However when T and I started hitting some rocky patches, I somehow found solace in writing my thoughts, feelings and fears down. It somehow made me feel like I could make sense of my thoughts by writing. However when I read it yesterday, it kind of made me a little sad. Although I feel that I am more grown up and I kind of like the person that I have become, the experiences of the past year, have been what horror movies are made of. (ok, maybe thats a little extreme). But even though it made me into a more stronger person, I really wouldnt want to experience that again. So naturally reading all the million and one posts, made me feel really sad and oh so emotional. I ended up taking this all out on T. When T and I decided to try again and start over, I was pretty vocal about my feelings and fears and the tears and pain that was caused. I know that he was probably hurting as well (heard this through the grapevine), but he hasnt been as vocal and I think I just felt that I was really hurting and maybe he wasnt. I have forgiven him and have moved past the hurt and the anger that was surrounding me at the time but reading all the posts made me feel that hurt all over again.

T and I didnt start over in the sense where we just picked up where we left of. We started again from scratch. We resolved issues that plagued us both and discussed the break up and what caused it. I am happy that we did that. I must admit that there are times when things will still get to me - I am human after all, but im working on it. I know that even though it was hard at first and there was a great amount of pain and confusion I know that I can live without him I just dont want to. Also in a sense it seemed to make us both more aware of each others feelings and the pain and confusion that went with the breakup. Somehow I feel that we couldnt go back to the place that we were in before things ended. We are in a new place and to be honest I really like that new place.....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Emotional

Today I am feeling really crappy. There is just too much going on, too much to worry and think about that is driving me a little insane. I cant worry or control everything. I just cant. It isnt humanly possible and is driving me a little nuts at the moment.First of all, i am organising the whole office party. I know and am expecting that there will be those people that will not be truly satisfied with the whole function - but that is just there bad. However it is the fact that they can complain about the most pettiest of things is what is really working on my nerves. I unfortunately am a real people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make everyone happy or rather I will attempt to. But there are times when there is only so much I can do. I mean really - this is one function that is supposed to be fun - I mean it is the end of the year for crying out loud. I guess there really is no pleasing some people.Than I have my personal life to contend with. Yes things are fine but are they really. Things are so complicated where T and my families are concerned that sometimes I just wish that it was only him and I on this earth and nobody else. I just wish for once that things can be uncomplicated and easy and simple, instead of a grind that is just too hard to comprehend sometimes. I am feeling really crappy today - crappy in the sense that I feel tired, listless and out of it. I am feeling pretty emotional and it feels like the worlds weight are heavily resting on my shoulders. And work pressures are not the end of it either.

I just feel like everything is so weird right now.....

Monday, November 05, 2007

Weekend Do's

Monday's usually go by in a blur for me. Somedays I am all focused and full of energy and some days I am just lame and listless. Today is somewhat of an inbetweener for me. We came in to work this morning, only to find that the aircon was not working. It was horrible, trying to concentrate with that intense heat all around you. It just triggered my allergies with my nose and eyes watering like crazy. Im still not feeling too fine - but its fine I guess, the day is almost over.

My weekend was fine I guess. T was gone to a wedding so I only got to see him yesterday. I went out on Friday night, to Spur and it was divine, although we first had to complain before we got our order right. On Saturday night, I went to this divine little Indian/Pakistani restaurant in Fordsburg. The food is absolutely lovely, I am salivating just thinking about it. It was a bit of a strange experience but overall it was cool. Yesterday I went shopping and ended up buying some stuff that I am seriously thinking of returning. I dont know, will have to decide on that one.

I baked a whole batch of cookies on Saturday morning and not to mention the most divine Chocolate Cake. Still wanted to take a picture and post it on my food blog Fantasy of Food
but everyone dug into it before I could do so and now there are a few measly crumbs this morning. Oh well next time, I guess. I have posted the recipe there though.

We had people over yesterday morning and it was nice just being with family and spending the morning with them. We see them so little that the few times that we do get together is always so short. It always makes me think of when we were younger and the fun and get togethers that were always planned at my grandparents house. Both sets of grandparents have passed on and I really miss them and I think that we would have had this really fantastic relationship with them now that we are older. We didnt really get to know them as my siblings and I were really young when they passed on. When my mum talks about her parents, it always makes me feel that we missed out on something great and wonderful. I grew up with my grandmother and aunt from my dad's side and we lived in the same home. Although at times I really miss them, the bad memories that surround my parents divorce and the hand that they somehow played in it tarnishes those memories. However it is not wise to speak ill of the dead, so may their souls rest in peace.

I met one of my closest friends sisters yesterday. We were somehow really close and always got along really well. She is 3 years younger than me and is getting married. I am so happy for her. We got chatting and she was telling me about all the girls that are getting married. These are girls from the place where I grew up in. Its like everyone you hear, is getting married. I keep getting bombarded with questions of when I am going to get married. Somehow I just smile and say, we'll see. T and I have spoken about the whole marriage thing again and this time I feel that I am ready. I can picture myself being married to him and the whole notion of his family doesnt scare me anymore. Well it does sometimes, but it just doesnt seem as daunting anymore. Also I think that marriage is a really big step and one has to be completely ready for it. I know that last year when the whole issue of us getting married came up, I wasnt ready for it. And yes we broke up over it and yes every single person that we knew made it their freaking business to make their opinions known but if I look back, I am actually really proud of the person that I have become. I am also proud of T, he has changed as well and seems to be a bit more mature and adult about certain things. I dont want to get married just because everyone else is doing it. It has to be right for me as I just feel that it is a life changing experience. So yes T keep saying that he wants to get married and has asked me a million times if I am sure about things this time round. And yes I am. However I do understand that things will be weird and this is not your normal, average sort of relationship - but I cant help looking forward to it......I just hope that this time round - Nothing else goes awry.....

In exactly one week, T leaves for overseas. I hope the 6 weeks that he is away - go by really quickly.....

Friday, November 02, 2007

Friday

So the office christmas function is almost planned. I just have to organise to pay the lady and organise the drinks. We having a little secret santa thingy and last year it was really fun. Although I must admit that the gift that I got, I went and exchanged it for something else. Oops sorry. I know that its the thought that counts but come on it was really something that I wouldnt use.

Im so glad that its Friday. I had my interview with my boss yesterday. It's funny being interviewed by your boss. There is no way you can bullshit, cos she knows every little thing about you. But anyway i thought it went well. However it was only a screening interview and there is probably going to be another one next week, this one being the biggie, cos its with the hiring manager. Im not really too worried, cos I applied for this position on a whim and if i dont get it, it wont be the end of the world. However I do need to decide where I want to go, what I want to do and what sort of career path I want to take. I sometimes feel very despondent. I went to university for 4 years, am an honours graduate and a professional person affiliated to a professional council, I am not working in the field that I studied in and I sometimes wonder if all my studies were all for nothing. However I started this job in the hope that I would gain some work experience, cos we all know that you can have a million degrees, but if you dont have any practical, hands on experience, you are somehow stuffed. And experience I have gotten. And not to mention the salary which has grown substantially over the past 3 years. So yeah - I guess I shouldnt complain too much. Its all about finding that direction.......

Im looking forward to the weekend, even though I dont really have anything planned. T is off to a wedding tomorrow and Sunday he has some other family do planned. In a weeks time, he will be off overseas for 6 weeks. I know it will probably fly by, but I will miss him tons, tons.....

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Scribblings

I am not a very happy camper this morning. See, I love summer. The warm summer sun, the lovely balmy nights with the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking. I don't mind those hot summer days where the sky is bluer than blue and the sun is shining. I am tired of the drabby clouds and the rain and cold. First of all I couldnt decide what to wear this morning. I want to wear sandals and shorts and wispy dresses and skirts. But I am forever cold and with the cold weather I will just be a frozen iceblock the whole day. So its a jersey and to be honest I am thinking I really should have worn some socks today. I so dont like the cold. Summer, where are you?????

I am beginning to think that every man who I want to be friends with - just wants something else. Had a bit of a weird experience yesterday with someone who used to work here and has now left to go to another company. I mean hello - I thought this was my friend. Someone who I could talk to about anything ranging from work dilemmas and frustrations to the dramatic antics of my relationship with T. I am really trying to act nonchalent about it and maybe it is all just in my imagination - but its freaky and weird. I have never been able to be friends with a guy - without them always wanting more. How shitty. I think that is why I found it so hard to understand that T is friends and just friends with a girl.

T leaves for overseas in about a weeks time. He is going away for 6 weeks. I am really going to miss him. Things between us have really blossomed and although we often talk about the shitty past few months there seems to be a new found respect and maturity between us. I honestly think that the whole breakup no matter how painful and horrible, was actually an experience that led us to becoming better people. There is a sense of maturity, more consideration for each other and just an overall respect that had been lost between us. I am really glad that we gave each other another chance. Touch Wood - It seems to be working.

I must admit that I sometimes freak out and panic that things will go pear-shaped again. I think that is all about just keeping a clear head and not letting little things get to me. I know that in the past a lot of the issues were because of me having insecurity issues and hangups about past relationships. These were than projected into our relationship only to cause havoc and drama. I am really trying to not let any past hang-ups affect me because T is really special and one a kind. The few months where things were so shitty and crappy between and I really didnt know what was going to happen next gave me a lot of time to think and evaluate stuff. However I must admit that sometimes I still find myself overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity but I am working on it.....

I am being interviewed today for a senior position within my department. Its only a screening interview - but still I have to be prepared. Im a tad nervous, but the position will be a welcome change to what I am doing now. So yeah, I really am not sure how its going to pan out - to be honest im not to phased out about. It would be cool if it happens - because I am still as clueless as to where I want to go and what I want to be - but hey we'll see what happens. I am busy trying to organise our christmas function - the last two have been disastrous (thanks to lack of planning from the organisers side), so im really trying to make it special. Its funny how I enjoy planning and putting little things together........

Monday, October 29, 2007

Blues

I don't know why I have this urge to write. I didnt have a very nice weekend. I got into work this morning and started sorting out files and papers. It's funny how things can pile up and than you end up with mountains of paperwork that is just too monstrous to get through it. I like to think that I am a neat and orderly person, however I tend to loose focus very easily and end up letting things slide. It's something that I have to work on and hopefully get right. I really do have a very low attention or concentation span.

Another factor that is really contributing to me letting things slide is I am not really happy with what I am doing. I have been for numerous interviews and assessments (some which went very badly), but everytime I go for an interview, I get put off about something or other. I keep asking if there is something wrong with me. The main problem is that I am not happy with what I am doing, not with the company that I work for. So what would be the point of moving jobs only to feel this frustrated all over again. I need to sit down and decide exactly what I want to do. I sometimes feel so confused about work and a career path. I look at others who are so happy in their jobs and I wonder if that will ever be me. I sometimes wonder if I even studied the right thing. I have been in this department for close on 3 years. Yes I have been promoted 3 times with a real boost to my salary but I keep saying that I am not happy with what I am doing. I woke up this morning with this feeling that I really need to decide what I want to do. I keep thinking that if I dont make a decision soon, I will probably still be feeling the same way in six months time. Sitting here, feeling miserable and just plodding along.

I didnt have a very nice weekend. The old feelings of insecurity somehow resurfaced and it just made me feel miserable. I somehow lost sight of myself and T and I ended up having an argument. I dont know what is wrong with me. Yes he is friends with a girl and sometimes cant understand it. However he has been transparent with me about it. I mean he took me to meet her, to put my mind at ease that she is just his friend and nothing else. I think that I have accepted it and I am fine with it. Its the other forces in my life that I am bugging about. What will the others think etc, etc, etc.

I have to also realise that T is also his own person and I dont own him. I mean I have to allow him some sort of his own freedom. If i dont, it would just mean that I am compromising his individuality. Its just that at times I feel so insecure and scared. I dont have reason to - seriously I dont. He is nothing but attentive and sweet and caring that I really dont have anyting to worry about. I always question why I feel so insecure. Is it because I have a totally non-existant relationship with my dad, is it because of the one ex-boyfriend who made life very miserable for me. There are times when I feel totally fine and secure and there are times when I feel very insecure and almost feel abandoned. I thought that I was over it in some way or another - but I find that it will resurface at times making things very awkward.

I know that I have to work on these issues and feelings of insecurity. Its not fair to him and it makes me not like the person I become. I have this really great thing going and I really have to get rid of this negativity that plagues me at times. I really am terrified that things might get awry all over again....

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Million and One Things

I am feeling very frazzled at the moment and really need to go home and unwind and relax. Funny that whenever I have plans to just chill and relax, there will be some or other thing to do. Work has been really hectic this week and although I enjoy the pressure and stresses that it entails, I feel like I am trying to juggle a million balls in the air.

I have decided to start a food blog. I love cooking and am always finding little recipes to try. I love experimenting with spices and herbs that give that rich aroma that comes with something fragrant cooking.

My food blog Fantasy of Food!


There is just so much happening at the moment, I feel hectic and busy and at times overwhelmed. I just hope some of the dramas let up soon.....

Friday, May 18, 2007

Life

Some things are beyond planning.
And life doesn't always turn out as planned.
You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But MOST times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.
Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.

Often, when He sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose what God wishes us to carry, but we can carry it with courage knowing that He will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, He allows pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, He allows illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
And sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans, but understand that we live by God's grace

Monday, April 23, 2007

The End

Today is the end of the road for T and I. After what happened this weekend there is no way we can go back to where we were and there is no way that we can start afresh. I write this with a heavy heart and mixed feelings. I so wish that it were not true, that it is all just a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I so wish that I can turn back the clock. There are so many things I would do differently. But I dont have any of those luxuries and I have to face the reality that it is finally over.
I remember saying this in December last year when the first of our problems surfaced and we decided to take a break. Little did I know that it didnt actually end. The day we amicably decided to take a break was the day I stepped onto an emotional rollercoaster with him at the controls. And I know that I was wrong to give him this control but after the rocky few months that we had, i thought I was doing the right thing. Instead of questioning his motives and intentions than, i let it ride thinking that this was the beginning of something new and fresh. How wrong was I?
This rollercoaster ride turned out to be full of delicious highs and crushing lows. There were days when I wanted to close my eyes really tight and savour the highs and there were times when I wanted to close my eyes and open them up again with all the lows gone by. There were a million questions that would circle my head and I would question his intentions but I would never get any answers.
My world was shattered on Friday. I couldnt believe what a bastard he had turned out to be. I thought i knew you, 5 and a half years is quite a long time. I keep questioning, you have turned into someone I dont know. So which is the true you. The one I knew and loved for 5 years or the one that you are now. I dont doubt that he did not love me. I just know that somewhere along the way we lost the plot and it all became a power struggle. He claims I hurt him and I say that he hurt me and we just couldnt come to any sort of middle ground. And the outside interference did not help at all.
I am numb with shock. I am back where I was 4 months ago and I feel like a failure. Had I not listened to him, had I not given him the benefit of the doubt I would have been over the worst. But I trusted him, chose to believe him and he let me down in the most cruel way possible. I have to face reality and the facts that are starring me in the face. This is what he wanted and he just played me along for his own personal gain. A sad reality that I wish with all my heart were not true. But they are and accepting it and letting go is the hardest.
I question where I went wrong, did I push him away and I must say I am not entirely innocent in all of this. However there are limits and he has crossed them one to many times. I know that it is over and there is no turning back, but a part of me still wishes it were not true. A part of me is still in denial.
Friday"s events toppled me over like a huge tsunami wave. It crashed my world and I find myself lying on the floor too tired to get up. There is no energy to carry on But I know I have too, soon.
Reality
Thats the bullet through my wounded heart
Only a Word
But I can see its keeping us apart
!!!!!!

Was life meant to be this hard?

I had a weekend from hell. The guy and I havent been speaking to each other from about the 10th of April. We had a huge fallout, regarding this whole mess. He refuses to tell me why we are apart and my whole argument was that it looked like I was just fun on the side or whenever he felt like it. His argument was that it was better for us to be apart right now and than he still had feelings for me blah, blah, blah. I decided to take one day at a time, as there was so much of history and ugliness that had taken place in the last few months that maybe him calling me everyday was a beginning to something more.

On Friday I was told some information that left me reeling with shock. I cant believe that this is the same person we were talking about. He called me on Friday night after a whole week of not speaking to each other. I made a mistake of not taking his calls. I dont even know if he knows what I know about him. So he didnt call back and I didnt answer because I was just too angry and miserable. I dont know if I should confront him and verify what I have been told. Will it give me the answers, will it help me reach closure. A part of me wants to call him and than another part of me thinks what would be the point?

I just want to know that why did he call me and act like he still cared if he had other plans. I feel like such a fool and i dont know if I can move past this. I feel saddened by the fact that i thought i knew him but maybe I dont.

There is this part of me that feels that nobody has a right to hurt another human being like how he has hurt me. Nobody has a right to put someone through so much of pain. So i should just leave it and let it go. Than there is this part of me that wants to know, i want to know why he did this to me. Whether I will get an answer from him is left to be seen. I cant go through life wondering, wondering why and how and when? I keep thinking that i will never have closure if i dont ask. I do have a right to ask.

What to do? What to do? I am so confused.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Emotional Rollercoaster

So I havent written in a while. I have been so busy with work and the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life that I sometimes have little time for blogging. I must say that writing things down really helps sometimes.

I cant understand things at the moment and I really want to. Friday was really awful and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I met him and i was on his turf, which made things very uncomfortable. He didnt know how to act and was acting so weird. He totally ignored me. I caught him looking at me a few times and there were those times that our eyes met across the room. But that was it, no hello. What made things even worse is that our sorry saga is international news and everyone that was there were just looking and wondering about the situation. They obviously dont know the real story and the cause of the break up, but they know that we are not together anymore and they obviously have their own opinions. I made sure i looked really nice, and was just my old self chatting to his friends and family and i must add that his family were really nice and supportive. Which was quite surprising.

So he ignored me, I left at a reasonable hour and went home. Luckily i wasnt alone and the moral support i got from my family was just wonderful. He called when i got home. I was too angry to speak to him and didnt answer his calls. He called about 5 times and than i went to sleep. He called again Saturday morning and again i just ignored his calls. He called again sunday morning, like really early. I figured that i couldnt really ignore him forever and i had things to tell him, so i answered. I let him have it, I was first cold and unfeeling. He noticed how nice i looked, actually commented it. At least all my efforts were not in vain. However nothing got resolved and we ended up talking all over again. When we are together and when we talk its like old times and nothings changed.

It makes me miss him so much.
Today I was really upset. On Monday he insisted that he wanted to visit me. I refused saying that it seems that he has other interests and he shouldnt visit me. He visite,however i was pretty out of it today. Its this rollercoaster of emotions and although nothing happened, I was like a walking corpse.

I know that life cannot carry on like this, i know that I have to take a stand. Why is it just so damn hard. The issue is that we havent discussed exactly what went wrong. He keeps telling me that he has feelings for me and I must be blind to not see them, however its best that we are apart for now. I mean what kind of an explanation is that. Also i am not sure if there are other parties involved. That was my argument on Monday, that if you are busy with other girls than please leave me alone. I dont have any proof, it is just an assumption. He insists that he does not have any other interests and if he did, he wouldnt be calling me.

I am in such a confused space. He is sending me mixed signals and i dont know what to make off them.......

All i say is that if he has other interests than what can i offer him that they cant. With me he still has the past issues which havent been resolved. With anyone else he wont have any of that.

So what gives?????

I wish i knew.
So I havent written in a while. I have been so busy with work and the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life that I sometimes have little time for blogging. I must say that writing things down really helps sometimes.

I cant understand things at the moment and I really want to. Friday was really awful and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I met him and i was on his turf, which made things very uncomfortable. He didnt know how to act and was acting so weird. He totally ignored me. I caught him looking at me a few times and there were those times that our eyes met across the room. But that was it, no hello. What made things even worse is that our sorry saga is international news and everyone that was there were just looking and wondering about the situation. They obviously dont know the real story and the cause of the break up, but they know that we are not together anymore and they obviously have their own opinions. I made sure i looked really nice, and was just my old self chatting to his friends and family and i must add that his family were really nice and supportive. Which was quite surprising.


Today I was really upset. On Monday he insisted that he wanted to visit me. I refused saying that it seems that he has other interests and

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Scribblings

I haven't blogged here in a really long while. So much has happened since my last post and I have been reading quite a few blogs around here and just had this urge to write my thoughts down here today.

So the last that I wrote anything down here was sometime in November last year. So much has happened that I feel like im living in my own soap opera. T and I broke up in December, on Christmas Day to be exact. We ended up having such a row, things were said, he stormed out and that was the end of him. We didnt speak to each other for about two weeks. I eventually picked up the phone and called him and told him that I needed to talk to him.

I needed closure in a sense, if it was over than it was over and i would have found a way to move on. So we spoke and he told him that he loved me very much and he could definitely see himself marrying me but for now he thought that we should just be apart. It was this civil conversation, where we both came to an amicable decision of taking a break from us. I accepted it, it wasnt what i wanted but yeah i was willing to go with it. I was devastated, miserable but yeah i decided that for once i would think about myself. I didnt know what was going to happen, how does one act when you on a break, do you call him sometimes just to let him know you still around or was this just a glorified way of him telling me to take a hike.

Was I in for a surprise? I started work in January after a few days leave and he started calling me. First it was just i just called to say HI, than it was calling me late into the night. I wasnt complaining. Here i was wondering how the hell a break works and here he was calling me. So much has happened, yet so little. He calls me everyday, we talk, we chat. He visits me sometimes, yeah in so many ways nothings changed. Its still the same. However than reality strikes and I realise that nothings the same.

I keep asking why does he call me, why does he want to spend time with me? He answers very vaguely. Last week he totally struck nerve and I told him exactly what I thought of him. In a bout of I dont know what he yells out that the reason why i call you and want to spend time with you is because I am still in love with you okay. Are you happy now? I miss you ok. Those were his exact words. I was stunned, shocked. I still dont know what to make of it. I asked him than why are we apart. He tells me that I just think its better for us to be apart for now.

So yeah i love getting phonecalls and I love chatting to him because even thought we were in a relationship he was also my best friend. But for me life cannot carry on like this. I am not sure if he trying to find himself, maybe we got serious a bit too soon. I am not saying that what led to our break-up is entirely his fault. A lot of my behaviour played a huge part in it and I know I have hurt him. However what happens in all his finding himself he forgets about me? What happens if he meets someone else and I am here waiting for him come to his senses.

These are fears that are too real to me. I realise that he calls whenever he feels like it. I dont really call him. If I do, he is always very happy to hear from me, however i try to avoide it. I cant bring myself to face any form of rejection so i rather let him do the calling. However I am always available. If he calls i will talk to him, if he wants to meet, I will drop everything and meet him. I am too available. So why should he have to make any decisions? All he has to do is call me and I am there, while he can still have his freedom if that is what he wants.

So yeah I have tried to be unavailable and I just end up feeling bad. Also I cant be too hard assed, cos I have tried it and it didnt work cos than he just acts all hard assed too. This is a different breed of man im talking about here. So yeah everyone tells me to stay busy, be unavailable, make him miss you blah, blah, blah.

I just find it so hard and what if its the wrong thing to do and what if i am going about it the wrong way? Also how does one act unavailable when you want this person to phone you and visit you. Besides I than feel so bad, which doesnt do much for my straight as an arrow conscience.

So i am in a place where things are really confusing, really scary and the fear of the unknown just drives me nuts. I am plodding alone, i chose not to say much when it comes to the reason why things ended. I have just been keeping quiet. We have spoken about things that led to the break up but not in depth. I blame him, I say he hurt me. He says I hurt him. He feels hurt by me not wanting to commit and get married. ISo yeah i am in this place that is highly confusing.

In these 3 months we ended up having such a bitter fight the one day that I thought this was it. It was finally over. He came back, called apologised and than started calling everyday. If it was finally over than why did he come back, if he has other interests; what can I give him that they cant?

I have so many questions with no answers. Just me plodding along hoping against hope that things will change and I will get some direction. I love him and I dont doubt that he has feelings for me. I know they are there, but if it means that things are finally over I am willing to move on and make a fresh start. I know it will be hard, but I am confident that I will be able to move on.

What to do? What to do???????