Friday, November 28, 2008

Jealous Cow

What is up with people always trying to make things about myself....

Yes - It's the cousin again. I have one word and only one word for her -
Stupid Jealous Cow....
This and This and a whole lot of other shit has happened over these past few months and now I am just tired of it.....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Bridesmaid Dress

I started having heart palpitations when I realised that next week Friday is my last day at work. Nervous and scared and excited all at the same time....

I have posted a pic of the bridesmaids / flowergirl dresses. We meeting with the designer on Friday and I am really excited to see what they look like.....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A miserable self

What makes some people think that they can treat others how they feel like it. What makes these people so special that they can trample and oppress others just because they feel they have a right to. What right do they feel they have to bully and condescend others?

They treat others as though they are pawns or mere ants in their world. Every single person in this world has a right and they are not God to lay down any law as and when they see fit and God help you if you don't abide by those laws. They hurt people, trample their feelings, undermine their self worth, for what, just because they feel like it. Just because they feel like joking around. If you get upset or angry and if you retaliate than you are wrong and they are the victim.

I am a Psychology Honours graduate and I can't understand this behaviour. I always try to decipher everything or just try and make sense of it all. However in this case just when I think that I have figured it out, something else happens and I wonder if this is just the result of a messed up psyche or pure evil. Yes we know about the abusive childhood and the hurt and pains of growing up, we chuckle about the Stuttaford Van Lines baggage that is being hauled from long years back, but somehow we can't understand what has gone so horribly wrong. Is it frustration or are you just angry. Angry for what we keep asking. You seem miserable and in turn you make everyone around you miserable, you fight and hurl words that hurt to the people who care for and love you the most. Why we keep asking with hurt and pain in our eyes.

Where has the YOU that we know and love gone to. Is he lost forever or is he just hiding behind a front to get what he wants?

Questions that will never be answered, answers that will never come and no form of retribution what so ever.

Friday, November 21, 2008


I feel a little out of sorts today. Not really sure what is happening to me. I feel awful and apparently I don’t look too good either. Or so I was told by someone this morning. Everyone at the office thinks it’s because I was ill for 2 days this week. I feigned a tummy bug and stayed off to do wedding stuff. I know, I know – it is pretty scaly of me but I feel bad asking for leave every time I need to do stuff. Calling in sick just seemed so much easier. Honestly I did feel bad and when I walked in yesterday and my boss asked me in a very concerned way if I was ok. Oh well talk about abusing sick leave. Suddenly this morning I was hit with waves of nausea and I have been feeling sick to the pit of my tummy. I really hope this isn’t karma getting back at me.

At least I got the majority of my wedding stuff done. I have a little confession to make – I am tired of shopping. Yes – there I have said it. I never ever thought I would ever feel like this. I love traipsing around the mall, looking at gorgeous clothes and trying to figure out what to buy. But seriously I am tired of shopping. I have bought a whole new wardrobe. It was fun in the beginning cos I just chose stuff that looked nice no matter what the price. Now I am tired of it. I went into one of the chain stores on Wednesday and as I looked at the clothes before me I actually felt sick. My house is swarming with new clothes, bags, shoes etc etc etc. Hmmm I wonder how long this feeling will last. Don’t get me wrong, I love new stuff and can’t wait to wear them – I just think I have bought enough and I am tired of buying, not to mention broke.

I am feeling very tense and in turn it’s making me pretty miserable and aggressive. Nothing is right - everything is wrong - nothing is wrong - I am fine - just leave me alone. I can feel the knots building in my neck and every evening I feel as though thousands of lead deposit themselves onto me. I am not stressing as in the biting your nails worry worry worry kind of stressing. I think I am stressing in my subconscious. There are all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling around in my head and I am not really sure how to process them. In turn I have turned into Cruella de Vil. I fight with the people who are closest to me, I am testy towards T and I know that it is wrong but I cant help but bite everyone’s head off. I find myself having to count to 10 000 when work colleagues and staff irritate me. I am jittery and nervous and so not me.

I begged my mum not do any wedding stuff this weekend. She brushed me off and started running through a million and one things still to be done. A part of me wishes that it were over so that things can somehow get back to normal. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved planning my wedding, there is nothing more exciting and overwhelming planning everything yourself, but the nerves and stress is starting to get to me now and as the days roll on to the big day it is not going to get any easier.

Calmettes people. I need Calmettes.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Nerves and Excitement

So my weekend was too short. As usual. Why oh why does it feel like that at the end of every Sunday.

Saturday was a really hectic day. I was at the salon at 7am for my hair trial. I must admit that the loose flowing curls came out sooo much better than the upstyle she did several weeks ago. What was I thinking. I guess that's why it's called a trial. I than went to the make-up lady and she did a good job. It is so funny when you don't wear a great deal of make-up and suddenly you look in the mirror and there is a different person starring back at you. At least my appointment was only for 12:00 but the rush was inevitable. It was hectic and soooo hot. I am going to make my hair exactly like this, only thing I want a tiara - cos it looks really pretty.

My dress is looking beautiful. It is not yet finished, in terms of pretty little things. She is still going to put a whole lot of sparklies and bead thingys. I can't wait and my next appointment is on the 29th. On Friday night I was nagging my mum cos I really want to wear a garter. She gave me this funny look and said: "where am I going to get a garter belt for you?" See we don't really wear garter belts, but I want to. So as we were finishing up at the designer - she tells me that she has a present for me. She said that she knows I wont probably wear it, but she made me one anyway. Guess what - it was a garter, all pretty and lacy with a little blue bow. I was so excited. I am not sure what is wrong with me these days, every little causes me to have a lump in my throat and makes me want to start crying. This was one of the many pictures that I gave her andshe is making it exactly like this. Only with a lot more sparklies....

Lets not also talk about nerves. That is another whole story.

Wow - My mum and I have shopped up a storm. Last night I really started bugging about money. I keep thinking that what if we end up being broke after this wedding. Things are sooo expensive and we just shopping and shopping and what with the economic crises. I lay in bed last night feeling a little overwhelmed.

Yesterday we went to drop invites off at one of my mum's oldest friends. She is more like a mother to my mum and always acts like a grandmother to my brothers and I. Lets call her A1. She is over 60 years old, is a lesbian and is getting married at the end of the month. Actually my mother introduced her to her partner to be. Quite a few years ago, the partner A2 had just broken up with her gf and came sobbing and crying her heart out to my mum. Now my mum has a business in a busy cbd and has been there for over 20 years. She has customers who are friends and they all come and say hi, have a cup of coffee and if they need a sympathetic ear they bitch and moan about their troubles. So my mum asked A1 if she would like to chat with A2 as maybe they would understand each other better. Well they hit it off immediately, ended up dating and before we knew it - they had shacked up together. Now they are getting married. We are invited to the wedding - not sure if we going to make it, cos there is something that we planning on the same day.

A1 is the lady who helped me get a part time job while I was varsity. Although at times she can be a tad bit irritating, she has a heart of gold and has always been very supportive to mum. As we sat with them yesterday, it felt odd cos they marrying each other but I am happy for them and may they always be happy.

I still have sooo much to do. Where am I going to find the time.....

Friday, November 14, 2008

Wedding Post.....

I have become a total bitch. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am so blaming it on PMS. But to be honest I have never been this pissy ever. I snap at everyone, get irritated for minor details and as T puts it have become a real meanie. I have no idea what is wrong with me. Stress, Nerves, PMS - who knows.

Anyway I went to the decor lady, Fatima, yesterday and finally it seems that I am getting some direction with my flowers. I think I was confusing myself and was beginning to get highly irritated with myself. I went to a flower farm where I used to live and they have the most lovely flowers at ridiculously low prices. The lady at the farm is so sweet and accomodating and I just hope that she will be able to do what I want. The vases have been a problem because the one that I initially took to her seemed a bit low to me. It is a glass goblet but it isn't very high. So once the flowers are placed in there, the whole effect of the goblet is lost.

Yesterday I showed Fatima, what I want and she brought out a really nice vase that can work. So next week Saturday I will have to drive down and finalise it all. Im just crossing my fingers that it finally comes together because these flowers are driving me a little nuts.

This is what i want. However in my colours of pink and white. I want to put those jelly balls that are the rage at the moment instead of the jelly beans, but I could also alternate. I could put pink and white jelly beans in some and pink and white jelly balls in others. Not sure how it would look though.

I am having a candy sort of theme because for the welcome drinks table, I am having Strawberry Crush in champagne glasses. I want huge glass goblets filled with pink and white marshmallows, pink and white sugared almonds, pink and white sugared peanuts, those little romantic sweets and little bite sized pieces of nougat. So jelly beans in the centerpieces would look ok.

For the wedding cake I have chosen - a tiered cupcake cake. Remember I won the prize at the Expo in April this year, so one of the prizes was a cake from The Cake Genie. I chose a cupcake style cake, cos I sooo love cupcakes and I want it in pink and white frosting with chocolate ganache for the filling. Hmmmm yummy.....

Tomorrow I have a serious wedding day trial run. I have to be at the salon at 7am for my hair trial. I don't think I am going to put my hair up. The first trial I went for, it came out ok but it wasnt me. I think it made me look like a middle aged aunt. So I have decided to go with loose flowing curls. Not sure how my designer is going to do the veil though but I want one of those tiara thingys.

After the hair, its the make up trial at 9am. Thereafter it's off to Pretoria for a final mock fitting. I have to have my shoes, undies, hair and make up done. I am excited to see my dress. The last I saw it - it was a billowing mass of tulle. The top part was just the bodice sans any details. I basically gave the designer the style and type of dress and she was so excited about all the little details. I am really curious to see what she has put on there....

In exactly a month's time I will be preparing to walk down the aisle. In a way I can't wait and am so excited. This morning as my family were having a good old chuckle at me snapping away at them, it hit me. In a month's time I will be leaving them. A little hollow feeling settled in my tummy. I think that is going to be the hardest thing ever. I keep thinking - How am I going to say goodbye? I know in a sense, its isnt really saying goodbye. I am only going to be 5 min away. However deep down I know that it will never be the same. I am also rather weary. T's family is not the most of easiest and I get a little panicky whenever I think of the outlaws.....

Anyhoo - tomorrow is a big day. I hope it all goes according to plan and I hope I get some direction, clarity and finality with everything.

Here's a little picture mosaic that I have done of all my wedding day ideas.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A decade of thoughts

Everyone seems to be doing this 10 year looking back meme and it got me thinking of the last 10 years in my life.... Besides going back to the place where I grew up on Tuesday kind of made me a little nostalgic.

So here goes......


Hmmmm I was in Standard 9 - young, naive and very stupid. It was a time of serious crushes, that heady feeling of having your first boyfriend and suddenly being all grown up. I had my first cellphone this year. The new older boyfriend decided to give it to me to use. What fun. First of all I had to hide it from my parents. Umm hello it was 1998 - only your parents had a cellphone which was usually some huge monstrosity with a funny looking aerial thingy sticking out. The phone provided hours of fun for the crew and I.... Suddenly we were connected to a world of boys, late night phone calls and excitement.

The phone that provided many a hour of fun, carefree conversation
The summer of 98 was the best ever. We were young and carefree and the future lay before us full of promise. We were 4 best friends, spent all our waking minutes together. Most of the time we were bored out of our skulls but because we were together nothing else mattered.

I was in Matric. A very difficult year. I met someone towards late 1998 and he became somewhat of a Demi-God in my eyes. I was smitten. He broke my heart a few months later. I was 17 and honestly thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I passed Matric with good results and was on my way to University. Wow.

I started university. It felt so weird to be still on holiday when the rest of the people in my world were going back to school in January. I must admit that the first few months of varsity was awful. It took a while for me to adjust but eventually I got there. The man from last year who is now known as the fungus was still around. He couldn't make up his mind if he wanted to be with me or not. The year was filled with delicious highs and crushing lows. Yes there were other guys but this demi God refused to leave me alone.

I moved away from the place where I had grown up in. The last 18 years were spent here and it was all that I had ever known. How was I going to leave my best friend, the fungus who was still very much in my life although his antics were starting to become rather tiresome. It was hard. Things between my parents were awful and eventually my dad left us. I failed some subjects at varsity and the year was a topsy turvy mess.

I don't seem to remember much of this year. I met T and we started dating and although it was weird at first he became a constant in my life. He was always there during the tough times. I graduated from varsity - a proud achievement after failing some subjects the year before, I really had to put in extra effort to complete my degree.

My honours year. Ooooh how I hated it. We had classes at night. The whole day I would lounge around at home and every evening at 5pm I went to varsity until 9pm. It was hard and crappy and fun all at the same time. T and I were still together and as I look back I smile when I think of the fond memories that we both share.

I became an intern. I had to complete 720 hours of unpaid work. Boring! I learn't a great deal but the end of 720 hours couldn't come soon enough. T was still very much a part of my life and even though we had our fair share of dramas we stuck together.

started my first real job. Overwhelming at its best. I was in the big, bad corporate world. Who ever thought I would be doing this?

Climbing the corporate ladder, really proving to myself and others that I could do it. We bought a really gorgeous home. This was a huge milestone in our lives. My dad deserted us in 2001 and times were quite tough. Suddenly things were looking up. Our new home became a real joy in our life and we spent all our time and energy fixing and renovating it. This home has become our pride and joy. It was also a year of serious loss. T decided towards the end of 2006 to end our relationship of almost 5 years. I was devastated and really didn't know how I was going to get through without him.

My backyard!

This to date has been the hardest year ever. Even harder when the fungus couldn't decided if he wanted me or not. I was heartbroken and didn't know where one day ended and the next started. T was still very much a part of my life but we were not together. Seeing him often didn't help much and I couldn't see past the darkness. I couldn't imagine where my life was going. After months and months of trying to get to grips with the fact that our relationship had ended - I realised that I was going to be Ok. I had turned that corner. Yes I still missed him, I still felt like calling him whenever something important happend - but it didn't hurt as much.

Towards the end of 2007 we got back together. After a weary and shaky start we were ok again and he proposed before he left to go overseas. I was shocked and excited and kept it a secret until he came back. The whole experience was a huge learning for me. I also realised that I could live without him. I just didn't want to.

I am still trying to get through 2008. It's been exciting and trying at the same time. As I plan for my wedding which is almost a month away I wonder what the next 10 years will hold. Will it be the rollercoaster that the last 10 were or will be plain smooth sailing. I guess rollercoasters are fun and at least when you look back you realise that the ride was fun even though there were a few bumpy bumps......
But that's what Life's about right!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

As Requested - Wedding Invitations

EXMI has requested that I post more wedding stuff......

So here you go....

Pics of invitations:

The invite... (silver part is where the names are)

Invite out of the envelope

Invite opened up...
Will def post more pics soon.....

Monday, November 10, 2008


As the weekend came to an end yesterday I had this really crap realisation that today was Monday and I would have to face the day with countless queries of crappy crap cos I wasn't here on Thursday and Friday. We were away at a conference in Montecasino - great place, crap conference. Would have preferred to stay at work, mind you.

My weekend was extremely busy especially yesterday. My mum and the crew were delivering invites and I stayed with my cousin and her 2 daughters. What a rainy and miserably cold day. A thousand thank you's that the weather wasn't this crappy last weekend. After a really great lunch we made our way to the mall and did some serious shopping. The crew met up again with us later after all the invites were given and everyone decided that coffee was in order. We ended up at Wimpy cos the little nieces were insistent on Wimpy. It was more of a little plan of ours cos we were were craving for Wimpy. As we sat down N, my little niece and I quipped that one cant come to Wimpy and not eat Wimpy food. That set everyone in the mood....

The invites came out beautifully even if I have to say so myself. This week Saturday is my final mock fitting. I have to have my shoes, undies, hair and make up done and than she will do the veil. I am so excited. It all seems to be coming together. As for Mr Toad - that is T's dad. I just feel like calling him that. My dad who couldn't give a flying fuck whether I am well or not decided to take a drive to my new home yesterday. I am so disappointed and so shocked. My new home is 5 min away from where I currently live. He decided to go and have a look - so why couldn't he come and see his children for a mere 5 minutes. My brother A is writing Matric - did he even for one second think of calling let alone visiting him to wish him good luck. Oh No. Did he even bother to ask if there is anything that needs to be done for the Wedding. I mean logistically there are tons of stuff that need doing, but he wont bother. I was so irritated and he the fool of fools was so in awe of himself.

Have a great Monday people - I just want to bury my head in the sand....

Monday, November 03, 2008

The Amazing Race....

Hmmm- An Amazing weekend, An amazing time, an amazing dunk etc etc etc .... Amazing - That was the word used quite a lot on Saturday.

Saturday afternoon, the area in which I live in was abuzz with a bunch of screaming females. Picture 30 women, divided into teams with unfamiliar people, a car and a clue each. The grand prize - ME. As they scurried and drove like maniacs trying to find me they were greeted with one obstacle after another. Not too difficult - just a little fun and laughter. It was pure fun watching how they torpedoed through the cafe that I was at to find me. Ridiculous fun.

My mum and aunt planned a bridal shower for me on Saturday. The theme - The Amazing Race. All the guests were given instructions to go and find me. They were divided into teams, given a clue and were told to get in their cars, decode the clue and make their way to the location. As they arrived at each location, they were greeted by an official who made them do silly little tasks in order to get the next clue. They only had 4 locations to go to but by the looks of things they seemed to have had a real blast.

Can you imagine a bunch of women - screaming, laughing, fighting and driving like lunatics to beat each other to the end. It was hilarious. As they stampeded to where I was - I was in fits of laughter. They were out of breath and hot and just sooo happy to find me.

After all the teams rallied around - we went home for a lovely tea filled with yummy food, cakes and chocolates, prize giving and me getting dunked in the pool. So much for the ensemble that I was in. From the compliments all round I do think that everyone had a ball.

I did collect some gorgeous gifts. Lingerie items that made me blush when I opened them up and some beautiful kitchen stuff. It was such a fun time and I cant wait to see the pics and the video footage that was taken.

As for all the other dramas of last week. Nothing much has been said. T's dad has lost the plot and seems intent on winning an Oscar for his tragic performances. It is becomming stale and so disappointing.