I feel a little out of sorts today. Not really sure what is happening to me. I feel awful and apparently I don’t look too good either. Or so I was told by someone this morning. Everyone at the office thinks it’s because I was ill for 2 days this week. I feigned a tummy bug and stayed off to do wedding stuff. I know, I know – it is pretty scaly of me but I feel bad asking for leave every time I need to do stuff. Calling in sick just seemed so much easier. Honestly I did feel bad and when I walked in yesterday and my boss asked me in a very concerned way if I was ok. Oh well talk about abusing sick leave. Suddenly this morning I was hit with waves of nausea and I have been feeling sick to the pit of my tummy. I really hope this isn’t karma getting back at me.
At least I got the majority of my wedding stuff done. I have a little confession to make – I am tired of shopping. Yes – there I have said it. I never ever thought I would ever feel like this. I love traipsing around the mall, looking at gorgeous clothes and trying to figure out what to buy. But seriously I am tired of shopping. I have bought a whole new wardrobe. It was fun in the beginning cos I just chose stuff that looked nice no matter what the price. Now I am tired of it. I went into one of the chain stores on Wednesday and as I looked at the clothes before me I actually felt sick. My house is swarming with new clothes, bags, shoes etc etc etc. Hmmm I wonder how long this feeling will last. Don’t get me wrong, I love new stuff and can’t wait to wear them – I just think I have bought enough and I am tired of buying, not to mention broke.
I am feeling very tense and in turn it’s making me pretty miserable and aggressive. Nothing is right - everything is wrong - nothing is wrong - I am fine - just leave me alone. I can feel the knots building in my neck and every evening I feel as though thousands of lead deposit themselves onto me. I am not stressing as in the biting your nails worry worry worry kind of stressing. I think I am stressing in my subconscious. There are all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling around in my head and I am not really sure how to process them. In turn I have turned into Cruella de Vil. I fight with the people who are closest to me, I am testy towards T and I know that it is wrong but I cant help but bite everyone’s head off. I find myself having to count to 10 000 when work colleagues and staff irritate me. I am jittery and nervous and so not me.
I begged my mum not do any wedding stuff this weekend. She brushed me off and started running through a million and one things still to be done. A part of me wishes that it were over so that things can somehow get back to normal. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved planning my wedding, there is nothing more exciting and overwhelming planning everything yourself, but the nerves and stress is starting to get to me now and as the days roll on to the big day it is not going to get any easier.
Calmettes people. I need Calmettes.