Friday, November 30, 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

6 Weeks and Counting

I havent blogged in a while. Been really busy with what else but work. Things are really hectic and I hardly find time for anything during the day. To top it all I have to present next week at a workshop that we having. I have to come up with a project that I would like to work on and see to completion. It can be anything and does not have to pertain to our department. I really need to get my head around it and think of something that will not only be unique but will also add value.


Friday is our year end function. Our number has grown from an initial 35 to 65. I think it will be cool, the more the merrier right. However the rest of our team isnt so sure. Infact they are a bit irritated that another department is sommer just gatecrashing our party. Im not too fazed about that. Im more panicked about the weather. I dont know what is up with it lately, its like the weather has suddenly gone potty. I mean yesterday it was a glorious summer's day and today its like cold and rainy and downright miserable. So if Friday morning dawns with pouring rain, I will be royally stuffed. I really need to come up with plan B. But where, how, when? It's really short notice. Please, Please God pleeeeeze dont let it rain.... It can begin to pour on Friday evening - I really dont care....



T sms'd me this morning and told me that he is only coming back on the 7th of January. They have had some change of plans. My first reaction was that he was lying. I honestly think that he is lying. See he is like that - he will do that just to see my reaction and will crack up laughing eventually. I sms'd him back telling him that I dont believe him and that he is lying - but his replies have been pretty serious and he wouldnt joke about something like that for so long. I dont know why but I suddenly feel really sad. I miss him so much and the 7th is like soooo far away. Its like another 6 weeks away. Anyway there is nothing I can do about it. At least we text each other - so that is like such a bonus. I do miss him terribly cos there is only so much one can say in an sms. We had a serious conversation last week with regards to him wanting to make things official between us, as in getting engaged. In my culture we do things a little differently. Getting engaged means a huge glamourous affair, with lovely food and pretty clothes. A part of me is really excited, but there is this part of me that also feels a little scared. I keep thinking back to last year and how pear-shaped things went when the whole getting married issue came up. Im scared that things will go awry again. I am trying not to think too much about it until its all official and everyone knows about it and I mean my family when I say everyone. But it is exciting and I cant help but feel a little excited....

I just miss him soooo soooo much....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Scribbles

The weekend was just too busy for my liking. I ended up doing manual physical labour, that was fun, but overall I just felt like a duracell bunny gone flat when Monday morning rolled around. I slept badly and felt like I needed an extra day to recover. Monday's really get to me. I see Mondays as huge giant Potholes in the road of life. And to top it all, we have a standard meeting with my boss for like 2 hours that just gets me into a total daze.

I have decided to focus on getting my work done on time, instead of hurrying towards deadlines at the last minute. I love the pressure and the hype and buzz that comes with reaching a deadline, but sometimes I just feel so strung out. Unfortunately I tend to loose concentration rather quickly which doesnt help much. But hey im trying and after today and the meeting I had with my team - I feel that I can safely say all our deadlines will be me. Our Year End Function is next week and although I am looking forward to it, a part of me is dreading it. We have some real drama queens here that tend to bitch and moan about everything. Anyhow I have decided not to let it get to me and if they want to complain, than so be it.

Im still missing T, more than ever. I love getting sweet little sms's from him, which makes me miss him even more. Although I cant wait for him to come back, I am also a little scared. He wants to make our relationship official and get engaged. The thought is exciting, I mean that is something that every girl, well almost every girl dreams about since she is little. But its also a litle terrifying. After the dramatics and the complications that happened last year, I still sometimes get all antsy and tend to freak out. But I'm working on it and just trying to take one day at a time and trying to focus on the good parts.

As for my career dilemmas, I have decided to seriously take stock of myself come the new year. I need to sit down, decide what I want to do and where I want to go. I have to decide and stop being scared of change and make some decisions. If I dont, I will find myself in the same place next year, with the same complaints and the should haves. Its all about focusing on me and what I want and what's important to me.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Overwhelmed

I am feeling really crappy this morning. I am not sure why, but I am just feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders and everything seems a little out of sync. Things are a bit tense at home. For no real reason actually. Everyone is irritated and snappy and it is really pissing me off. And lets not forget the double standards - that is just grating on my nerves. I honestly feel to cry. Nothing really happened, but I think there is like some bad karma or something about.....

Work is also not really going very nicely at the moment. Things are just a tad bit screwed up. Funny enough this time it has nothing to do with my boss. In fact she has been nothing but nice and very supportive of my indecisive state of where I want to go with my career. Its my customers; internal business partners that are just pissing me off totally. They are just too slow and to be honest a bit irritating. I feel like my life is screaming for a change career wise - but what and where. Everytime I apply for stuff and think that things are going to be fine, things go horribly pear-shaped that I begin to wonder and question if I must move. But I am frustrated and irritated and really feel that I have reached my sell-by date with what I am currently doing. I dont freaking know what to do. What will interest me? What will I enjoy doing? What if I move and I hate it? Aaargh all these questions and no sense of direction. I often look at others who seem so happy and content with what they are doing with a certain amount of envy. And im not meaning envy in a bad way. I also want to be happy and content and love what I do. I also feel that what I studied and what I am doing is 2 different things, which leaves me feeling very frustrated.

To top it all, I miss Sweets. Sweets as in T. Thats my name for him, I just love calling him that. I love that he keeps in touch via sms, but that doesnt make me miss him any less. I miss hearing his voice and the fact that he has that ability to make me smile, no matter how crap I'm feeling. I just miss him sooo much and am feeling really lonely, cos I miss the fact that I cant just pick up the phone and call him..... This 6 weeks thing is really stretching like forever....

I had the most interesting well rather lack there of conversation with someone who I met for the first time. I went to the airport to leave my aunt who also left for overseas yesterday. I must admit that although this is my mum's sister we are not entirely that close with them. They live really far away and through some or other dramatic saga happening at the time, dont really visit them that often. So I dont really have that much in common with my cousins, it's kind of weird - arent cousins supposed to be close or something. Well anyway, back to the point, there was this girl there, who is married into the extended family and whom obviously I have never met. We were there really early and decided to grab some coffee and breakfast. While we were seated at the coffee shop, I ended up sitting next to the girl in question. She and I proceeded to have the following conversation:

Girl: so are you married?
Me: No, im not.
Girl: So how old are you?
Me: Smiling now, I am 25.
Girl: So do you work?
Me: Umm yes, I do.
Girl: Where?
Me: Umm at ............
Girl: So do you drive?
Me: Yes trying not to laugh

End of conversation....

I mean what the F. This girl didnt even bother to ask me my name, where I'm from nothing. She probably thinks Shame, look at her, she is so old and not yet married. Unfortunately that's how life works in your typical Muslim community. You have to go to school, get married and have children. Now I would probably be classified in the weird category and I must admit that are a lot of people who would fall into this category. However there are also a whole lot of them who think that gettting married and having kids is what life is supposed to be. I mean really. What gives? This girl is married, she is younger than me, they have a kid and her husband is still trying to finish some or other qualification. They are supported by their parents and they think that this is life. But what about money and security and all the other not nice things that real life is all about..... Im not saying that I dont want to marry, hell I do and I do want to have kids. I could have had that all last year if I wanted to. It would have saved me a broken heart at the same time. But I just felt that T and I couldnt get married just because everyone else was pressurizing us to do so. It has to be right for both of us. And to be honest when we got back together and decided to try again, im glad that the whole world didnt know about it. So we managed to sort out the shit that caused us to break up without that same inteferences as before. If I have to be honest, despite all the pain and the heartache, we are both in a more mature place than where we were before. And the thought of marriage doesnt scare me anymore. Infact when T told me that he wants to get married and make things official when he comes back, there was a genuine smile on my face. I am not saying that the thought doesnt scare me anymore, I think I am not as aversive to it as I was than.... So yeah - I firmly believe that there is a time and place for everything. You cant do something just because everyone else is...... That is just lame and will probably end up being the biggest mistake ever....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nostalgia, Insecurities, Hugs N Kisses and Missing T

I don't really like goodbyes. Yes there is always that excitement of when the person comes back but still, Goodbyes are sad, Period. T flew out last night and as we left to come home, I was missing him already. As we stood around waiting, for the plane to board, the feeling of nostalgia and de javu overwhelmed me. It was only 6 months ago that we stood around the same place feeling totally miserable and out of place. T and I were so broken up and were barely talking to each other. Coming home that day felt like returning home from the war and having lost. It was an awful feeling and not one that I would like to go through again.

But yesterday was different and although I was sad that he was going away for a long time, my heart felt lighter and I felt secure in the sense that T really loves me and we are in a place where there is this sense of respect and love and caring. On Sunday night we chatted for a really long time and he again mentioned us getting married next year. He has been talking about it for a while now. I think a part of him is worried that I might get cold feet again like last year. He told me that he is giving me these 6 weeks to decide. I assured him that there is nothing to decide. I've decided already. I must admit that although the thought scares me, I am not as daunted by the idea of it anymore. I just feel scared - scared in the sense of what if it doesnt work.

There are times when I still doubt stuff and I still feel a little insecure. I am not sure where all these insecurities stem from, but a lot has to do with the screwed up relationship that I have with my father. But I think I will leave the dramatics of that for another day. I could feel those familiar pangs of insecurity as he called his friend to say goodbye as we were all standing around waiting for them to board. It was an innocent conversation that was loud enough for me to hear. If I think back to before, if something like that had to happen, I would perform and throw a tantrum and hurl accusations. I tried to not let it get to me, cos in actual fact it was nothing. Just a phone call to say good bye to one of his friends. Although there has never been reason for me to doubt this friendship with her, in the past I constantly had this feeling that every female within a few metres of T wanted to have something with him. However I think that the past year has left me thinking and also made me realise that one of the reasons that T and my relationship floundered was the fact that I would get horribly jealous and insecure and perform and throw tantrums. Pretty childish if you ask me and the past year has made me realise that I have to trust him otherwise there really is no point in us being together. And besides as he keeps pointing out that this is just his friend, he has introduced me to her and he keeps assuring me that I have nothing to worry about. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about, but sometimes I just get a little panicked and feel a little insecure. I do tend to overanalsye stuff, which makes me tend to panic and worry about little trivialties that dont make sense. I think in the end its all about keeping perspective and not letting things get to me.

Yesterday as we hugged each other goodbye - I could feel the tears sting and all I wanted to do was hold on for a few minutes longer. But the time had come for them to depart and as he left to walk into customs I could feel myself missing him already. He sms'd me from the plane before they took off which made me feel somewhat better......

43 Days to go and Counting.....

Monday, November 12, 2007

Blue Monday Blues

I feel ill. Sick as in a blocked and runny nose and not to mention that drained and tired feeling. I feel awful. I dont know when its going to go away, I have been drugging myself with medication every night and day since last week. Some days its fine and than other days I feel like absolute shit. My weekend was busy, busy. On Saturday night I was invited to T's house for dinner. There were so many people and although I was really nervous to go, it was a really nice supper. I think I was more nervous about the fact that the people who had the most to say and actually contributed to the floundering of our relationship were going to be there. But I just put on my prettiest dress and my most adoring smile and pretended like I didnt care. The funny thing is that these are not people that even matter, it wasnt even his immediate family that felt they were justified in commenting in our life. So I just ignored people and rather focused on the people that do actually matter.

Yesterday I visited my nieces and nephew. It was 2 of their birthday's this weekend. I feel old when I see them growing up. I can still remember the day N was born. That was 9 years ago and I was in standard nine and a true rebel. I love giving presents as much as receiving them. I think the pure delight on someones face as they rip open the wrapping paper is reason enough for me to smile....

Today I woke up not feeling to grand and as the hours are rolling by am feeling more and more miserable. T leaves in a few hours time and I have just realised that I am going to miss him soooo much. I told him last night that you made me become so used to you again and I am really going to miss you. I think it has finally hit home that he is going. I know that he will be back, but still 6 weeks is a long time. I am also feeling a bit out of sync, not sure why. I feel listless and devoid of any energy.

Crumbs why wasnt the weekend longer.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Meltdown

I love this time of the year. It's the end of the year, there is a festive air about and its time for the holidays; where one can let one's hair down and spend time by the pool or the beach. I go on leave in about a months time and I really cant wait. The only part that I dont like about Summer is the allergies that plague me. It never used to be so bad, but lately I wake up in the morning with a blocked nose and an itchy throat and not to mention they spluttering eyes that make one feel a tad awful. I never used to suffer this badly from hayfever.

I am still trying to sort out the mess of our office function. I think I just have to understand that I cant please everyone and there will be people who will complain. I cant get how some people will always go out of their way to be difficult. I mean in the holiday spirit and the mere fact that we have seen a whole year pass in this really stressful department is reason enough for me to celebrate. Anyway - I guess there will always be people who will be dissatisfied....

Yesterday I really ended up having an awful day. I think reading up on past journal entries really threw me. I have always had a journal and over the years my urge to write in it has waxed and waned. However when T and I started hitting some rocky patches, I somehow found solace in writing my thoughts, feelings and fears down. It somehow made me feel like I could make sense of my thoughts by writing. However when I read it yesterday, it kind of made me a little sad. Although I feel that I am more grown up and I kind of like the person that I have become, the experiences of the past year, have been what horror movies are made of. (ok, maybe thats a little extreme). But even though it made me into a more stronger person, I really wouldnt want to experience that again. So naturally reading all the million and one posts, made me feel really sad and oh so emotional. I ended up taking this all out on T. When T and I decided to try again and start over, I was pretty vocal about my feelings and fears and the tears and pain that was caused. I know that he was probably hurting as well (heard this through the grapevine), but he hasnt been as vocal and I think I just felt that I was really hurting and maybe he wasnt. I have forgiven him and have moved past the hurt and the anger that was surrounding me at the time but reading all the posts made me feel that hurt all over again.

T and I didnt start over in the sense where we just picked up where we left of. We started again from scratch. We resolved issues that plagued us both and discussed the break up and what caused it. I am happy that we did that. I must admit that there are times when things will still get to me - I am human after all, but im working on it. I know that even though it was hard at first and there was a great amount of pain and confusion I know that I can live without him I just dont want to. Also in a sense it seemed to make us both more aware of each others feelings and the pain and confusion that went with the breakup. Somehow I feel that we couldnt go back to the place that we were in before things ended. We are in a new place and to be honest I really like that new place.....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Emotional

Today I am feeling really crappy. There is just too much going on, too much to worry and think about that is driving me a little insane. I cant worry or control everything. I just cant. It isnt humanly possible and is driving me a little nuts at the moment.First of all, i am organising the whole office party. I know and am expecting that there will be those people that will not be truly satisfied with the whole function - but that is just there bad. However it is the fact that they can complain about the most pettiest of things is what is really working on my nerves. I unfortunately am a real people pleaser. I will go to the ends of the earth to make everyone happy or rather I will attempt to. But there are times when there is only so much I can do. I mean really - this is one function that is supposed to be fun - I mean it is the end of the year for crying out loud. I guess there really is no pleasing some people.Than I have my personal life to contend with. Yes things are fine but are they really. Things are so complicated where T and my families are concerned that sometimes I just wish that it was only him and I on this earth and nobody else. I just wish for once that things can be uncomplicated and easy and simple, instead of a grind that is just too hard to comprehend sometimes. I am feeling really crappy today - crappy in the sense that I feel tired, listless and out of it. I am feeling pretty emotional and it feels like the worlds weight are heavily resting on my shoulders. And work pressures are not the end of it either.

I just feel like everything is so weird right now.....

Monday, November 05, 2007

Weekend Do's

Monday's usually go by in a blur for me. Somedays I am all focused and full of energy and some days I am just lame and listless. Today is somewhat of an inbetweener for me. We came in to work this morning, only to find that the aircon was not working. It was horrible, trying to concentrate with that intense heat all around you. It just triggered my allergies with my nose and eyes watering like crazy. Im still not feeling too fine - but its fine I guess, the day is almost over.

My weekend was fine I guess. T was gone to a wedding so I only got to see him yesterday. I went out on Friday night, to Spur and it was divine, although we first had to complain before we got our order right. On Saturday night, I went to this divine little Indian/Pakistani restaurant in Fordsburg. The food is absolutely lovely, I am salivating just thinking about it. It was a bit of a strange experience but overall it was cool. Yesterday I went shopping and ended up buying some stuff that I am seriously thinking of returning. I dont know, will have to decide on that one.

I baked a whole batch of cookies on Saturday morning and not to mention the most divine Chocolate Cake. Still wanted to take a picture and post it on my food blog Fantasy of Food
but everyone dug into it before I could do so and now there are a few measly crumbs this morning. Oh well next time, I guess. I have posted the recipe there though.

We had people over yesterday morning and it was nice just being with family and spending the morning with them. We see them so little that the few times that we do get together is always so short. It always makes me think of when we were younger and the fun and get togethers that were always planned at my grandparents house. Both sets of grandparents have passed on and I really miss them and I think that we would have had this really fantastic relationship with them now that we are older. We didnt really get to know them as my siblings and I were really young when they passed on. When my mum talks about her parents, it always makes me feel that we missed out on something great and wonderful. I grew up with my grandmother and aunt from my dad's side and we lived in the same home. Although at times I really miss them, the bad memories that surround my parents divorce and the hand that they somehow played in it tarnishes those memories. However it is not wise to speak ill of the dead, so may their souls rest in peace.

I met one of my closest friends sisters yesterday. We were somehow really close and always got along really well. She is 3 years younger than me and is getting married. I am so happy for her. We got chatting and she was telling me about all the girls that are getting married. These are girls from the place where I grew up in. Its like everyone you hear, is getting married. I keep getting bombarded with questions of when I am going to get married. Somehow I just smile and say, we'll see. T and I have spoken about the whole marriage thing again and this time I feel that I am ready. I can picture myself being married to him and the whole notion of his family doesnt scare me anymore. Well it does sometimes, but it just doesnt seem as daunting anymore. Also I think that marriage is a really big step and one has to be completely ready for it. I know that last year when the whole issue of us getting married came up, I wasnt ready for it. And yes we broke up over it and yes every single person that we knew made it their freaking business to make their opinions known but if I look back, I am actually really proud of the person that I have become. I am also proud of T, he has changed as well and seems to be a bit more mature and adult about certain things. I dont want to get married just because everyone else is doing it. It has to be right for me as I just feel that it is a life changing experience. So yes T keep saying that he wants to get married and has asked me a million times if I am sure about things this time round. And yes I am. However I do understand that things will be weird and this is not your normal, average sort of relationship - but I cant help looking forward to it......I just hope that this time round - Nothing else goes awry.....

In exactly one week, T leaves for overseas. I hope the 6 weeks that he is away - go by really quickly.....

Friday, November 02, 2007

Friday

So the office christmas function is almost planned. I just have to organise to pay the lady and organise the drinks. We having a little secret santa thingy and last year it was really fun. Although I must admit that the gift that I got, I went and exchanged it for something else. Oops sorry. I know that its the thought that counts but come on it was really something that I wouldnt use.

Im so glad that its Friday. I had my interview with my boss yesterday. It's funny being interviewed by your boss. There is no way you can bullshit, cos she knows every little thing about you. But anyway i thought it went well. However it was only a screening interview and there is probably going to be another one next week, this one being the biggie, cos its with the hiring manager. Im not really too worried, cos I applied for this position on a whim and if i dont get it, it wont be the end of the world. However I do need to decide where I want to go, what I want to do and what sort of career path I want to take. I sometimes feel very despondent. I went to university for 4 years, am an honours graduate and a professional person affiliated to a professional council, I am not working in the field that I studied in and I sometimes wonder if all my studies were all for nothing. However I started this job in the hope that I would gain some work experience, cos we all know that you can have a million degrees, but if you dont have any practical, hands on experience, you are somehow stuffed. And experience I have gotten. And not to mention the salary which has grown substantially over the past 3 years. So yeah - I guess I shouldnt complain too much. Its all about finding that direction.......

Im looking forward to the weekend, even though I dont really have anything planned. T is off to a wedding tomorrow and Sunday he has some other family do planned. In a weeks time, he will be off overseas for 6 weeks. I know it will probably fly by, but I will miss him tons, tons.....

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Scribblings

I am not a very happy camper this morning. See, I love summer. The warm summer sun, the lovely balmy nights with the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking. I don't mind those hot summer days where the sky is bluer than blue and the sun is shining. I am tired of the drabby clouds and the rain and cold. First of all I couldnt decide what to wear this morning. I want to wear sandals and shorts and wispy dresses and skirts. But I am forever cold and with the cold weather I will just be a frozen iceblock the whole day. So its a jersey and to be honest I am thinking I really should have worn some socks today. I so dont like the cold. Summer, where are you?????

I am beginning to think that every man who I want to be friends with - just wants something else. Had a bit of a weird experience yesterday with someone who used to work here and has now left to go to another company. I mean hello - I thought this was my friend. Someone who I could talk to about anything ranging from work dilemmas and frustrations to the dramatic antics of my relationship with T. I am really trying to act nonchalent about it and maybe it is all just in my imagination - but its freaky and weird. I have never been able to be friends with a guy - without them always wanting more. How shitty. I think that is why I found it so hard to understand that T is friends and just friends with a girl.

T leaves for overseas in about a weeks time. He is going away for 6 weeks. I am really going to miss him. Things between us have really blossomed and although we often talk about the shitty past few months there seems to be a new found respect and maturity between us. I honestly think that the whole breakup no matter how painful and horrible, was actually an experience that led us to becoming better people. There is a sense of maturity, more consideration for each other and just an overall respect that had been lost between us. I am really glad that we gave each other another chance. Touch Wood - It seems to be working.

I must admit that I sometimes freak out and panic that things will go pear-shaped again. I think that is all about just keeping a clear head and not letting little things get to me. I know that in the past a lot of the issues were because of me having insecurity issues and hangups about past relationships. These were than projected into our relationship only to cause havoc and drama. I am really trying to not let any past hang-ups affect me because T is really special and one a kind. The few months where things were so shitty and crappy between and I really didnt know what was going to happen next gave me a lot of time to think and evaluate stuff. However I must admit that sometimes I still find myself overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity but I am working on it.....

I am being interviewed today for a senior position within my department. Its only a screening interview - but still I have to be prepared. Im a tad nervous, but the position will be a welcome change to what I am doing now. So yeah, I really am not sure how its going to pan out - to be honest im not to phased out about. It would be cool if it happens - because I am still as clueless as to where I want to go and what I want to be - but hey we'll see what happens. I am busy trying to organise our christmas function - the last two have been disastrous (thanks to lack of planning from the organisers side), so im really trying to make it special. Its funny how I enjoy planning and putting little things together........