Tuesday, November 21, 2006


So T and I didnt fight last night. It was a breakthrough. However he thinks that everything is fine and I know that it isnt. Whats right in this relationship? Yes he calls me, tells me countless times he loves me, phones me the whole day, but he doesnt spend time with me. He visits me at work, sometimes for a few minutes, but that is suicide compared to the amount of time that the two of us used to spend time together. So when do I get to see him, when do I get to feel him hold me in his arms, when do I get to kiss him without a care in the world.

This relationship feels like its long distance, when we only live about 10 min from each other. The other day, we were fighting and I asked him, why doesnt he come and visit me and he told me that he will never visit me. Now tell me, how in his right mind does he think we can have a relationship, if we dont spend any time together. T used to practically live at my house. He only used to go home to sleep. He wants to get married. He is not even 25 years old, i just dont see the rush. Besides I am terrified of his parents. They just seem like the intefering kind that I really am afraid of them. Actually it isnt him that wants to get married, its his parents. I really am not sure why, but i just think that there really isnt any hurry.

I dont know, how much longer I can take of this. This is a sick game and I am getting tired of playing it. I want it all, or nothing. I have been prepared to leave him from the day this crap started. However he doesnt want me to go. My question: What does he want?

Monday, November 20, 2006

Who Knows

My weekend was one of confusion and misery. I really dont know what to think anymore. What does you do, if you have someone who is interfering in your relationship. Deep down you know that there is some or other being who is making things rather awry, but you cant say anything cos you dont have proof. Im so tired of this crap. I told T last night, that if you want out, by all means go. I am not going to keep you. I have learnt something the hard way, you cant make someone love you and you cant make someone stay with you if they dont want to. He is adamant that he wants to stay and wants to be with me. My question is that how can things go on like this. I feel so weak willed, as if i dont have any willpower.

I cried alot this weekend. I feel so sad about the sorry state of mine and T's relationship. We had this beautiful thing going on. We totally understood each other. T would never want me to be upset and if I was, he would go to the ends of the earth to make things right. If I was upset with him, he would call a 1000 times until I answered the phone, he would text and call and come to my place, play music and ultimately make an absolute nuisiance of himself. I could never stay angry with him.

I am sad that it looks as though he has changed into a different person. All we do is fight, he rants, I rave and the both of us just go on and on for eternity. I feel so lost without him. I wander aimlessly around the house, with nothing to do. I have started reading again, which is cool. T never wanted me to read when he was around, I had to focus all my energies on him and by the time he left to go home, I just plonked into bed too tired to care. I keep on reminiscing about the times when we were truly happy. Our whole relationship fell apart because of other people's insecurities and a motor bike. The problem does not even concern us. I know he is miserable where he is. He has become a victim of his own misery. I didnt say, dont visit me and dont spend time with me, that was his own doing and him believing and listening to people that have no business minding our business.

This whole thing is such a mess. I dont even know if we will be able to move past this.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Beginning of the end

I think that I finally have to make peace with the fact that my relationship is over. For the past few weeks, all I have been doing is practically begging my bf to make right what he did wrong. First he agreed, than he said he will decide and now he is just plain refusing. I am upset, disappointed and livid. I feel that he has lied to me about this and that he just said he would fix his mess to get me to talk to him. I am such a fool and it makes me feel very angry.

I called him today and asked him again and again he gave me some half hearted answer that he will decide. I lost it, i told him to forget it, to forget about me and just forget everything. I am so tired of this charade. I feel like though i am just waiting for nothing. The fight with my mother, carried on. Infact i am dreading going home. I wish I had the guts to not go home today, to maybe book into a hotel and not go home. I just feel so isolated and so stuck.

So yeah, i think this is the end of road for me and him. I cant believe that 5 years later and it had to come to this. I really cant. I am so sad. I really do love him, but I cant stay with someone who treats me this way. He only thinks about himself and in this whole mess, its just about him and nobody else. I feel so not bothered now, but its going to hit me. The one consolation is that at least I wont wait for him to visit me. He hasnt visited me in a about 3 weeks now. Before I used to wait for the car to come but now i dont, cos I know that he is not coming. The nights are the worst, they are absolute torture, cos I am so used to him being there. I just wish I were strong enough, strong enough with enough willpower to move on. I really dont know what the hell is going on, I feel like the world is conspiring against me.

I know this feeling only too well, its a sucky feeling gosh. I just feel so alone. I cant understand where everything went wrong, i really cant. All I know that he has turned into someone who I dont know. Infact his behavious is downright scary if you ask me.

The sorry state of my life

6 years ago, I had a mum and a dad. I lived in a friendly neighbourhood, which was safe and comfortable to me. This was the life that I was born into and this was what was familiar to me. I believed my parents loved each other and had the naive impression that nothing could ever go wrong. But it did and things have not been the same since April 2001.

I have come to accept what happened between my parents, however there are times when I question if things would have been different had they stayed together. So we left my dad in 2001 and came to live in the city, closer to my mums work, university etc. A new life greeted us, we were introduced to two beings who were to become the most important people in our lives. Life seemed great, there were financial burdens, my dad refused to pay any form of maintenance towards us and there were many feelings of disappointment and distrust. I often have this question for him, Why did you not fight for us Dad, why did you just walk away from us as though we meant nothing to you? I wonder if I will ever get the answers to these questions.

So yes time has passed, life moved on. I graduated from university, got a job, the financial situation got better, we bought a lovely house and we as a family are really trying to make a go of things out of nothing. The two beings are still very much a part of our lives, however in a much more evil sense. They have become mean spirited and they have become so self absorbed in their own little world that I think they have forgotten about true values and exactly what they stood for.

I feel so hurt, so afraid, so stuck. For the past month things have been gettng progressively worst. We are in the dark and it seems that this might go on forever. But it cant, im sorry, life cannot carry on like this. We took these two beings and made them into demi gods, life revolved around them and we grew to love them. It was hard in the beginning, adjusting to a new life and adapting to the situation that we were in, was something that was really hard to do. But we did it only for things to turn out like this. I cant begin to understand where did it all go wrong. I feel like a complete and utter failure. My life feels so pointless at this time, i honestly dont know what to do. I just had a fight with my mother. I feel bad, we dont have anyone but each other and yet she feels compelled to take out whatever is bothering her on me.

I really wish i could vanish into thin air. I really wish that i could not bother about all this crap. I really wish that life could become more simpler. I keep on questioning this was life meant to be this hard? Are other peoples lives also so difficult. How is it that these people expect you to be there for them all the time, but they cant be there for you. I feel so disappointed, so disgusted and oh so sad. Life seems so pointless I really dont see the reasoning behind this crap and I really dont know what is going to happen in the future. I just wish that life can become more simpler.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

How bad can things get

So things have been pretty awry of late. I cant begin to decipher what the fuck is going on. There are so many questions just zooming through my head and I constantly find myself wrestling with thoughts and emotions that are making me pretty miserable. Things between the bf and me are pretty shitty at the moment. I cant seem to understand what the hell is going on. We had the mother of all fights last night. Infact thats all we have been doing lately. I cant begin to understand what the hell is going on.

All this shite began like 3 weeks ago. Instead of things getting better, they have just gotten progressively worst. It is like a sick game and we are the pawns just being moved across a chess board. I am disgusted at how grown adults can carry on like this. I am amazed at the sheer audacity of people who feel fit enought to comment in my life, as though they are apart of it. The last that my man has come to my house to visit me was on the 17th of October. And on that day, he was so ill, he fell asleep on my bed and trekked home when he realized that he was too ill and needed to get home. That was the last that he visited me. We have spent some time together after that, but I am so used to him visiting me and spending time with me.

What really gets to me is that if this relationship is over, than why does he call me and why does he still tell me he loves me and misses me. My whole fight is that how can you tell someone that you love them and miss them but you dont even visit or rather make a recognised effort to see them. Granted he has been here to see me at work a few times, but that is so underrated.

so yeah, im pretty miserable, I cant help but feel this way and my stupid assed bf cannot see my point I cried last night, bawled over the phone, like really bawled and he has the nerve and the audacity to tell me not to cry. I feel so helpless, it feels like the world is conspiring against me and I am the biggest joke.