Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The sorry state of my life

6 years ago, I had a mum and a dad. I lived in a friendly neighbourhood, which was safe and comfortable to me. This was the life that I was born into and this was what was familiar to me. I believed my parents loved each other and had the naive impression that nothing could ever go wrong. But it did and things have not been the same since April 2001.

I have come to accept what happened between my parents, however there are times when I question if things would have been different had they stayed together. So we left my dad in 2001 and came to live in the city, closer to my mums work, university etc. A new life greeted us, we were introduced to two beings who were to become the most important people in our lives. Life seemed great, there were financial burdens, my dad refused to pay any form of maintenance towards us and there were many feelings of disappointment and distrust. I often have this question for him, Why did you not fight for us Dad, why did you just walk away from us as though we meant nothing to you? I wonder if I will ever get the answers to these questions.

So yes time has passed, life moved on. I graduated from university, got a job, the financial situation got better, we bought a lovely house and we as a family are really trying to make a go of things out of nothing. The two beings are still very much a part of our lives, however in a much more evil sense. They have become mean spirited and they have become so self absorbed in their own little world that I think they have forgotten about true values and exactly what they stood for.

I feel so hurt, so afraid, so stuck. For the past month things have been gettng progressively worst. We are in the dark and it seems that this might go on forever. But it cant, im sorry, life cannot carry on like this. We took these two beings and made them into demi gods, life revolved around them and we grew to love them. It was hard in the beginning, adjusting to a new life and adapting to the situation that we were in, was something that was really hard to do. But we did it only for things to turn out like this. I cant begin to understand where did it all go wrong. I feel like a complete and utter failure. My life feels so pointless at this time, i honestly dont know what to do. I just had a fight with my mother. I feel bad, we dont have anyone but each other and yet she feels compelled to take out whatever is bothering her on me.

I really wish i could vanish into thin air. I really wish that i could not bother about all this crap. I really wish that life could become more simpler. I keep on questioning this was life meant to be this hard? Are other peoples lives also so difficult. How is it that these people expect you to be there for them all the time, but they cant be there for you. I feel so disappointed, so disgusted and oh so sad. Life seems so pointless I really dont see the reasoning behind this crap and I really dont know what is going to happen in the future. I just wish that life can become more simpler.

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