Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pity Party

Everything just seems a little off balance at the moment. It is as though the world has decided to pick on me this week. On Sunday T and his dad had an argument over something really dumb in my mind. We haven't seen him since than, although T says that things are fine. On Monday my mum and I had a huge fight. Something petty but huge in my book. I stormed out of the house crying and went home a blubbering mess. We made peace yesterday but it still upsetted me. Today T and I had a fight over a fucking Nintendo game. How lame is that.

My job does not interest me any longer nor does it challenge me in the way that I would like to be challenged. I constantly feel that I am just putting out fires that are petty and nonsense. I am not sure what I want to do but this doesn't seem right for me any longer. It's as though there is a bee that is biting me and I want to do something different. It's as though I am screaming out for change and newness in a positive way. I am not sure what is wrong with me or how to deal with this. I feel trapped.

There is a position that has piqued my interest. I am not sure if I would qualify for the position but it is right up my alley with wanting to do my masters in Psychology next year. I am waiting for it to be advertised so I can apply, however I am not even sure if I would meet the requirements which would be so typical regarding me and my career.

I sometimes wish that I had studied something less complex. If you study medicine, you go on to become a doctor, pharmacy - pharmacist, accounting - accountant. I studied Psychology so naturally one would think that I would end up being a Psychologist. Oh no - one has to their masters and I didn't end up doing it because one needs a great amount of life experience to be considered for the course. This is the avenue that I want to take so I know that I have to apply to do my masters next year.

I am throwing a pity party today.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Feeling Weird

I feel like absolute crap. I mean in the physcial sense. I feel tired and my body feels like a thousand trucks spent the night going over it. I woke up really early this morning and actually felt really fine. However soon afterwards I felt really woozy and a little nauseous. I am stressing - I hope I am not pregnant. I really, really hope not.

It's not that I don't want a baby. I do - just not yet. I don't think I am quite ready to have a baby yet. I know that I don't want to work full time when I do have children and I don't think that it will be possible just yet. I would love to do something from home or work flexible hours at least. Besides I still want to do my masters next year. I am really stressed out about this. I guess I could take a pregnancy test. I haven't missed a period yet - so maybe I am stressing for nothing. I checked my blood pressure this morning because I am prone to experiencing low blood pressure at times which makes me feel like this as well. Being anaemic also doesn't help much as I tend to feel crappy a great deal of the time.

I know that I am really tired. Although we are not that hectic at work, things are always stressful here. When I get home there are like a million things to do because I plan these elaborate meals and there is still the cleaning up to do. T helps me at least but I prefer to do it on my own as I have a certain way of doing things. Perfectionist me ok. Today I am making Pasta. Easy pasta - nothing tooo fancy.... I don't mind the cooking bit, I enjoy cooking for T but this past weekend really took it's toll on me. I really need to become more savvy in dodging my Mother in Law and her opportunistic ways otherwise I am going to start really hating weekends.

I really really hope I am not pregnant.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I typed this long post yesterday and got side-tracked in posting in and now I can't find it anywhere. Hmmm so much for auto-save. I really am clueless when it comes to technology.

I went for an interview yesterday morning. The company is teeny tiny, compared to this congolomerate that I work for. It is so in my field of Psychometric assessment and testing, however you only get paid for the number of people that you assess and the number of reports that you generate. There are no benefits to the position either. I think I would be crazy to give up a permanent cost to company salary with benefits and all sorts of other perks and bonuses for a commission type salary. I am just not ready to do something like that. Besides I thought the guy was a bit of an ass.

My weekend was pretty tiring and I was rather peeved off by Sunday lunchtime. Saturday being Val Day, I woke up super early to make T some breakfast. By the time he was ready to leave for work - I had made sunny side eggs, french toast, grilled tomatos, pieces of fried polony, orange juice and coffee. I laid the table with red serviettes and a lovely red candle that I had bought last week from Mr P. I could see he was really surprised. He was working the whole day so I just lounged around and spent the afternoon with my mum. We went out for supper at night and met up with my mum and cousin F and the girls N and N. I offered N and N to sleep over at my house. It was cool, however it was a bit hectic cos usually when they sleep over at my old house, my mum is there to do everything.

We woke up on Sunday morning with no lights so breakfast was a rushed affair of trying to boil water on the gas stove for coffee. My MIL was expecting guests for lunch and I very stupidly offered to make the starter and a salad. I really am very confused with what I should do or shouldn't do. After the drama that happened last week with her and the dad regarding cooking on a Sunday I really don't know if I should offer her assistance or not. She is not someone who likes to be offered help and if you do offer to help her than she just dumps the entire thing on you and doesn't do a thing.

Anyhow I offered to make the starter and the salad but there were no lights so I decided to make the starter at my mum's. I was really feeling for canned fruit with cream so I mentioned to her that I am making some of that. Wasn't that an opportunity for her? As I was leaving to go to my mums', she very candidly shoved a box of instant Malva Pudding and asked me to make it. Me ever the dumb idiot, took it and didn't think twice because how difficult can instant pudding be right. Wrong!

When I got to my mum, she was busy as well in the kitchen and I have now realised that I am no longer used to working in her kitchen anymore. So we began to irritate each other while I tried to make this starter and the pudding and the canned fruit thingy and the salad. Well I didn't end up making the salad cos I was really tired by now. So I went home with all my stuff and I told MIL that I didn't manage to make the salad - thinking that at least T's lazy sister would offer to make it. Well she didn't. The mum than tells me it's fine don't make it. So guess what - I didn't. They weren't my guests, so I don't care. Besides I still had my 2 nieces to take care off. I didn't bother helping to set the table or serve the food because I still needed to get dressed.

What eventually really got to me was that she made me make 2 desserts and when she served dessert she took out the 2 that I had made, ice-cream and the dessert that the lady who was visiting brought. All this for only 2 extra adults and 3 children. I was feeling very frustrated on Sunday and I eventually told T later that night. At least we went out later in the afternoon so I forgot about all the dramas that were plaguing me. I can't understand how a woman can be so lazy when it comes to cooking and entertaining guests. The mum and dad have a weird power struggle between the 2 of them. He loves to have people at his house, she doesn't - unless it's her own people than she will go out of her way to be the perfect hostess. If it's someone that she couldn't give a shit about than she wont and that will be the end of that.

I am not really complaining about her in the sense that she is mean and nasty to me. I just don't like her ways when it comes to cooking and stuff That just gets to me and I can't help but feel stressed about it.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I am in a weird space right now. I just feel very tense and mostly because things at work have been really stressful for me these past few weeks. We are busy with a serious re-alignment excercise and the tension that is building is quite serious. Also the fact that Summer has decided to take a break and we are freezing cold doesn't help matters much. I am cold and that makes me miserable.

Let me not even get started on the traffic situation. I could have cried out of sheer frustration yesterday. It usually takes me 15 min to get home. It took me over an hour. I was so pissed. I am so not used to driving myself. I used to ride to and from work with my brother, so he did all the driving and stressing, while I just sat and entertained him with idle chit chat. Now I have to drive myself and the traffic situation has somehow increased. Crappy crap if you ask me. I know I'm being silly and there are much more important things in this wolrd than me bitching about the weather and the traffic - but still ok. The sun seems to have disappeared.

As for the tension here at work - things are just too crazy for words. First of all we are quiet which is bizarre. This week I found myself scouring the net to pass the time. However this has been shortlived every day of the week. For the whole day we sit twiddling our thumbs and just as its time for the end of the day an avalanche of stuff hits us and it needs to be done NOW. Frustrating at it's best if you ask me.

I am really questioning whether I want to continue doing this. I am finding no joy in it anymore and I keep getting questioned for other people's stuff up's. Really not enjoying this anymore. It just seems that there is too much crap going on at the moment.

T and I will be married for 2 months tomorrow. What we doing for V day - I am not sure. We usually buy each other silly little things, although I haven't bought him anything this year yet. Really not sure what to get him, besides I do believe that it is a huge commercial ploy to ensure consumers spend money that they don't really have. However in the spirit of V day and love and all things nice - I probably will oblige.

As for all these tension's that are threatening to make me explode - I am really glad it's the weekend. Pheeew.....

Thursday, February 05, 2009


I have been missing in action. Work has suddenly become very hectic. We are announcing the restructure tomorrow and to be quite honest - it is quite bad. We only found out yesterday the true impact of it all and I must say I felt bad for the area that I look after. We have done away with 5 positions - which means that 5 people could lose their jobs. Scary if you ask me.

I was very irritated yesterday because the powers that be in my area were not consulted but everyone else in the other areas were. I just feel that it is very unfair with the way things have been handled. Anyway - such is life and as one of my senior business partners mentioned today - Shit Happens.

I feel as though I want to do something else this year. I feel so out of it when it comes to work and I just don't enjoy it anymore. Besides the politics that go on here are too pathetic for words.

I am finally getting into some sort of routine with cooking and playing house. It really isn't so bad and I am really enjoying it. These hectic few days have affected my mood and not to mention the horrible weather. I really wish the sun would come out.

I need to gain some perspective on my career and where exactly I would like to go. I just feel that I am not doing something that is my true passion. I feel quite lost and really need to get some direction as to where I would like to go. I don't think that I want to carry on with whatever I am doing now. It is not what I studied for and when I was at university I hated it. I am a Psych Honours grad and am registered with the HPCSA as a Pschometrist. My true passion is counselling and therapy. Now in order for me to do that - I will need to complete my masters degree in Clinical or Counselling Psychology. Scary stuff because I applied a few years ago and was told that I was too young. Hmmm apparently one needs quite a bit of life experience and I had none. I wonder if I will be able to make the grade this time. Applications close in June/July this year and I am definitely going to apply. They only take a limited number of students and the course is quite intense.

I only hope that I get in for the programme.....