Wednesday, November 25, 2009


They say that communication is key in every relationship. I believe in the advocacy of communication and am a firm believer that communication is key and through communicating problems can be resolved etc etc etc.

Why can't T and I communicate. Why is it that every time I tried to broach the subject regarding the issues we were having, he stone-walled me? Did I go about it the wrong way, did I get too emotional or can we just not communicate. Yet T and I have a history of roughly about 8 years. How the hell did we get past 8 years if we can't communicate. I think back to exchanges, heated debates and arguments and scenarios play around in my head. Did we communicate or was it all just a farce. It all seems very blurry to me.

I know that every day that passes is just making it harder to communicate about what happened. I keep thinking is the final word in our relationship where everyone else got to decide and it's over. I also feel that if T doesn't want me anymore I would like to hear it from him. I need closure of some sort and this wondering and what if game is driving me nuts. I have been thinking that maybe I need to call him, ask him what the hell he wants and take it from there. It's as simple as that. However with T nothing is simple and I don't even know if I will get any answers from him. Maybe I shouldn't expect a proper answer but rather let it work from there and than decide. But than I am conflicted by all these emotions. Why do I have to call him? Why can't he call me? What about all that he has done to me and am I willing to forgive and forget about all that's happened. I feel scared of the outcome. Am I prepared to face the rejection? Maybe knowing is better than not knowing. Than there is the issue of should I call, text or email. Calling can lead to an argument if he stone-walls me again, but than at least I can have some sort of an indication of what he is thinking. Texts or emails can be ignored plain down and the waiting and not knowing will just continue. What to do, what to do? Why can't things be easy.

I guess it all boils down to making that decision, sticking by it and than accepting the outcome.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I have this urge to write. I feel that maybe in my writing there are answers. Only I know that are no answers right now and as I feel my way through this dark tunnel, the only question on my mind is when will I see daylight again. If there is one thing that this has taught me, it is the power of Sabr - The ability to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience with calmness, self-control and without complaint. Sabr is not something that I was born with. Infact quite the contrary and even now at the best of times, I find myself wanting to throw a tantrum cos I want what I want now. I guess growing up is really much harder than I thought.

I still feel desolate and alone and miserable. Nothing appeals to me anymore. Not food or shopping or even just the odd banter with my brothers. I feel emotionally numb and while I keep praying to Allah for help and assistance, there are times when I feel pretty despondent. I keep thinking I have to believe and put my faith and trust in Him, the Almighty. He is ever-knowing and merciful. I must admit it is hard.

It's officially 2 weeks and a few days since T and I have been apart. We haven't spoken to each other, he hasn't called and I haven't made any attempt on my part to call him. Why should I be the one to call him? However as well as I know him, he is probably sitting there thinking that she left, why should he care or bother. I am his wife, can't he see that. We are linked together by vows, don't they mean anything to him? I don't know what to think anymore and honestly my mind is a minefield of thoughts. I keep thinking that if T can be honest, we can both know where we stand and we can both make decisions. Ultimately whatever decision he makes will impact both our lives. I keep thinking, what do I want? Honestly I don't know what I want? Do I want to be with him, do I want to live my life without him. I'm not sure. All I do know is that I would like some clarity. 4 months going and there is still no clarity as to what happened and why. Why can't he be honest, why can't he be a man and say what he wants. Than I can decide what I want.

I miss him, am I wrong to feel this way? I think of happier times and I find myself feeling generous towards him and than it all comes hurtling back and I find myself back at square one. I feel humilated and hurt but most of all I feel anger. I don't even know what I would say to him if he called. There are just so many questions.

I was away for a week last week. Went with my family to Umhlanga. It was their holiday, I just gate-crashed cos of circumstances. It was hard and I know that it was hard for them too. I know they share my pain. I have forgotten how to smile or laugh and nothing appeals to me anymore. The only highlight was walking along the shore, with the waves breaking at my feet. I felt at peace sitting near the ocean starring into the wilderness contemplating my life and the direction that I should take. I feel as though my life is in limbo. 3 months with no contact is a long time and who's to say that anything will change. 3 Months cos that's when that wretched baby will be born. Why was that the goalpost, I have no idea. Why wont T call me? Doesn't he miss me, doesn't he wonder about me. Doesn't he care? I feel hurt by his actions and I feel betrayed. My best friend, cos that's what T was to me. Will our love survive this separation, will we be able to work things out or are things so far gone that nothing will be able to salvage what we once had. Again I have to put my faith and trust in the Almighty. He knows the answers, it's just upto me to make the sabr and hope for the best. He knows best right?

They say that:
Absence decreases half-hearted passions and increases great ones. Just as the wind puts out the candle yet stirs up the fire. Does this mean that our love was half-hearted?????

Friday, November 13, 2009


So I tried to be proactive and promote the fact that my organisation is looking for a few house models to come in on a part-time basis to do fittings for clothes. I work for a huge retail organisation and we are desperately looking for some ladies and a man to do some fittings a few times a week a few hours a day. Well my efforts have been in vain. Oh well - I should present my blog at my next performance review. At least I will get a score for initiative :)

This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.

However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.

That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.

I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.

I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.

I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

House Models Needed - Part-Time

House Models Needed
Ladies Size 10
Height - 167 - 168cm
Bust - 87cm
Waist - 70cm
High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 89cm
Hip - at 20cm below waist - 96cm
Thigh - Top - 57cm
In-Leg -to floor - 82cm
Ladies Size 18
Height - 167-168cm
Bust - 108cm
Waist - 91cm
High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 108cm
Hip - at 20cm below waist - 115cm
Thigh - Top - 68cm
Menswear - Large Size
Height - 178cm
Chest - 102cm
Waist - 87cm
Neck Base - 41cm
Thigh - top - 60.5
If you or anyone meet the requirements- Please message me.......
This is a perfect position for someone who has time on their hands and looking to make some extra money......

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Today has been good. Not great but good. I've been really busy and work has become that solace that it's been since all this crap started. I am also seriously looking at buying a car. I know I am being pretty impulsive but why not. All this time, I've been using one of T's cars and I didn't take his car with me when I left.

I feel kinda numb and I know that the crappiness can surface at any time. I still feel sad when I think of all that's been said and done. The fact that I haven't heard from him makes it worse. Honestly I'm not sure if I want to even talk to him. I mean what is there to say. I want answers and knowing T, he wont be able to provide me with those answers. He couldn't in all these months so what's changed now. I wonder about him, what's he doing, where's he now, is he missing me. All questions that somehow leave a hollow feeling.

His dad called this morning and wanted to talk to me. He sounded so sincere and concerned about me. It's sad that his dad can call and ask how I am but T couldn't be bothered. That's the crux of this whole thing. I am not married to his dad and if I go back I wont live with his dad. T needs to say what the fuck he wants so that everyone can be on the same page. There are just so many issues that have created this mess that I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Do I really need in-law issues on top of husband issues. I always knew my in laws were weird. However I never took them to heart and their antics never bothered me cos T was always fine with me and between us there were no issues. But I cant still have to contend with both issues when the reason why I am there is because of him and he couldn't give a shit about me.

I find myself in between of being busy thinking of him. My mind will wander and I will think about where he is and what's he doing. Also his dad is gone to Durban, so where is he and who's he with. My thoughts end up running away with me quite often and although I try not to think too much I am human. I know that I am better off where I am, cos he can't hurt me anymore. But I am still married to the man and honestly I do miss him. Is that normal?

Finality and clarity is what I want. But what do I want out of this whole thing - that's another million dollar question.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I am in such a ugly place right now and all I want is for the storm to pass and for the sun to come out again. I feel battered and bruised and confused. Acceptance is hard and although I have to accept what has happened I find myself replaying conversations and situations over and over in my head. Honestly there are are so many factors that contributed to this situation but the hardest one to bear is the fact that T might have cheated on me. I don't have any concrete proof and the girl in question denied everything infront of him and his parents, however the niggling feelings still persist and the fact that my family see things rather differently don't seem to make things any easier. They are hurting with me, however while they feel only anger I am a whole mixed bag of emotions.

I unpacked my bags last night and looking at all the lingerie and pj's and clothes, just made me think of all that's happened good and bad. It reminded me of happy times and suddenly I wanted it all back. I go to bed and night and those times are the hardest. These past few weeks him holding me close at night was the only constant in my life and I miss him the most when I go to sleep. I knew that he was there even though emotionally who knows where he was. I miss him. Is is wrong for me to miss him, to wonder about him. I feel sad that it looks like he is pretty happy where he is. Since he hasn't called what must I think. Doesn't he think of me, doesn't he wonder what am I doing? Doesn't he care. He is still living in our home, doesn't anything remind him of me?

I know that I have to make peace with what's happened. I can't keep on dwelling on the past and most of all I can't keep on fixating my mind on what he said and did. It's just too hard. I know that I still love him even though he has hurt me in the most vile way possible. Also going back is not going to be easy. How do I trust him to not hurt me again in any way. Than there is is family that will never go away and a lot of the issues between us is to do with them. I just feel so let down that T had 9 months of an engagement period to decide if this was what he really wanted. He was the model fiance and although we had ups and downs nothing was as huge as this. I don't know this person anymore and I am not even sure I like him. I must admit that T is pretty immature and has no back-bone to do anything for himself. That I only picked up on after we were married. I know that after one gets married things change but not to this magnitude. It also hurts that while I was there, as his wife he chose his friend and family over me. So while I still portrayed the perfect wife making sure all his needs are met, he was striking up a friendship with his old friend. Where was I lacking and what did I do wrong for him to turn to someone else. I thought T and I were best friends. We always gelled and got along so why the sudden change. Also T used to always stress that he would never hurt me cos I am there for him as a wife and he loves me too much. So why than did he go and hurt me in such a horrible way.

I have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Almighty. It's hard cos I am a human being and if there is one thing that I do lack is patience. I guess this is a test from Him above and it will only make me a stronger person eventually but the end question still lies with me. What do I want? Honestly I don't know. There is so much to consider. His family that saw fit to make this all about themselves and who were the catalyst to our problems and than there is T who I don't know if I can trust anymore. I wish I knew what he wanted. If he wants out than fine, and if he wants to be with me than I will decide whether I want to take that risk.

I don't feel too bad today, but I know that these feelings will be shortlived. I don't feel positive, I am merely just existing and I find it so hard to carry on. I hope and pray that all works out for the best in the end. Finding acceptance is really hard. Acceptance that all this happened, acceptance that T doesn't want to be with me, Acceptance that it's finally over since he hasn't called or bothered with me since last week. If only accepting all these things were easy. I have resorted to prayer and I do feel stronger but it's the acceptance that's the hardest part.

Monday, November 09, 2009


T and I are officially seperated. Honestly I am not in a happy place right now and I find myself crumbling and battling tears at a moments notice. I feel sad, miserable and terribly unhappy. But most of all I feel that I have really screwed up my life and I feel very disappointed in T. I've been better and have just had a weekend from hell. Although I am glad that I am at home and I don't have to contend with him ingoring me or the in-laws watching my every move, it hurts. I have been alone for a while now, with regards to him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't called. I left on Friday evening and I haven't heard anything from him. Do I want to? Yes, No, Maybe. What do I want? I don't know!

Is he happy that he is finally rid off me? Is he happy that now he can do as he pleases without me there to cramp his style or nag at him? The fact that he hasn't called, makes me think this way. His dad came to my mum's place yesterday and he said that T is still saying lots of stuff about me. So he still blames me when he started all this in the first place. I felt like texting him yesterday to say Congrats. All your hard work this past few months has finally paid off and you are now finally rid of me. Well done. It's just such a pity that you had to lie and bad mouth me to get what you want. I didn't send it. Had it all typed out but didn't send it. What would be the point? He is still on that high horse, not bothered about me, not cared. Honestly he is probably thinking that I got what I wanted. Which I didn't. Circumstances that have happened in all these months have led me to leave. Circumstances which he created. There are notions or rather shadows that imply that there is or was someone else. A close friend of his, who I befriended as well. Not sure what is up there. However I find it eating at me thinking the most bizarre thoughts. I am his wife for crying out loud. This friend denies having anything to do with him, but while he was being nasty and mean to me he was spending quite a bit of time with her. So what gives? I told her a mouthful regarding being friends with a married man, but it doesn't change the fact that T was also calling her, chatting to her, visiting her. So how do I trust him.

I feel as though my life is in limbo. What happens next. The dad thinks that this is just a separation until the baby comes. Or it's just a seperation until we cool our heads. However if T doesn't call, doesn't make amends how can I go back after 3 months. A lot can happen in 3 months time and a lot has happened that needs to be dealt with. How do I trust this man again? I don't even know if I can forgive him. To be quite honest it looks like he doesn't want me. So what would be the point. I feel that I am going to be waiting, waiting in vain. While my life comes to a standstill, he will carry on with all his antics. Why can't he be honest and say exactly what he wants. If I hear it from his mouth, maybe it will be better. Instead of wondering I would know the truth. I'm not sure how I would react but at least it would be better than not knowing what he really wants.

I feel sad and the pain just doesn't want to go away. There are moments when I feel so strong and know that I can get through this and than there a moments when I'm a blubbering miserable wreck. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite bizarre but I am not sure what to think anymore. In a way it's better that he hasn't called, what would be the point. If he did I would just end up getting soft and forgiving him and he doesnt deserve that. I know he doesn't deserve that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would come to this. In some way I still believed that things would come right. Every single day I would go home and have some glimmer of hope only for them to be dashed by the time I went to bed at night. The only time I knew that I had a husband was when I went to bed at night. Only than did he want to hold me and sleep in my space and blah blah blah.

However all this really hurts and at times I feel the pain stifling me. Waves of sadness envelope me and I am too scared to cry infront of my mum and them. Although at times I can't help myself. My mum is such a strong, bold individual and I know that she doesn't really stand for weakness. I know she is there and she is worried about me, but I still feel so alone. This isn't just a relationship where it was just me and him and it has now ended. This is a marriage. When I got married I altered my life, became the wife and homemaker. Now suddenly I find myself back in my old room at home with no purpose or direction in life. I feel stuck and with no concrete plans, I find myself wanting to do all sorts of things. I want to take the cowards way out and run away. Wish myself away from all of this. But how? I will just be running away from my problems and its not going to make any of this any easier. Why is this happening? What happens next and when will the pain go away?

I feel so let down that he promised me that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me cos I give him whatever he wants and yet he broke that promise and hurt me in the most vile way ever. I find myself feeling angry towards him but than there are times where I feel quite generous and miss him.

I know that I have to decide what I want. After all that's been said and done, do I still want to be with T. Although if he has made up his mind, there is nothing for me to decide. It will be a decision that I will have to live with.

I feel so lost and confused and emotional.

Why Me I keep asking. Why T and I? We were happy and although we had our moments, we always managed to weather the storms.