So I tried to be proactive and promote the fact that my organisation is looking for a few house models to come in on a part-time basis to do fittings for clothes. I work for a huge retail organisation and we are desperately looking for some ladies and a man to do some fittings a few times a week a few hours a day. Well my efforts have been in vain. Oh well - I should present my blog at my next performance review. At least I will get a score for initiative :)
This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.
However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.
That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.
I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.
I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.
I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.