Monday, November 09, 2009


T and I are officially seperated. Honestly I am not in a happy place right now and I find myself crumbling and battling tears at a moments notice. I feel sad, miserable and terribly unhappy. But most of all I feel that I have really screwed up my life and I feel very disappointed in T. I've been better and have just had a weekend from hell. Although I am glad that I am at home and I don't have to contend with him ingoring me or the in-laws watching my every move, it hurts. I have been alone for a while now, with regards to him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't called. I left on Friday evening and I haven't heard anything from him. Do I want to? Yes, No, Maybe. What do I want? I don't know!

Is he happy that he is finally rid off me? Is he happy that now he can do as he pleases without me there to cramp his style or nag at him? The fact that he hasn't called, makes me think this way. His dad came to my mum's place yesterday and he said that T is still saying lots of stuff about me. So he still blames me when he started all this in the first place. I felt like texting him yesterday to say Congrats. All your hard work this past few months has finally paid off and you are now finally rid of me. Well done. It's just such a pity that you had to lie and bad mouth me to get what you want. I didn't send it. Had it all typed out but didn't send it. What would be the point? He is still on that high horse, not bothered about me, not cared. Honestly he is probably thinking that I got what I wanted. Which I didn't. Circumstances that have happened in all these months have led me to leave. Circumstances which he created. There are notions or rather shadows that imply that there is or was someone else. A close friend of his, who I befriended as well. Not sure what is up there. However I find it eating at me thinking the most bizarre thoughts. I am his wife for crying out loud. This friend denies having anything to do with him, but while he was being nasty and mean to me he was spending quite a bit of time with her. So what gives? I told her a mouthful regarding being friends with a married man, but it doesn't change the fact that T was also calling her, chatting to her, visiting her. So how do I trust him.

I feel as though my life is in limbo. What happens next. The dad thinks that this is just a separation until the baby comes. Or it's just a seperation until we cool our heads. However if T doesn't call, doesn't make amends how can I go back after 3 months. A lot can happen in 3 months time and a lot has happened that needs to be dealt with. How do I trust this man again? I don't even know if I can forgive him. To be quite honest it looks like he doesn't want me. So what would be the point. I feel that I am going to be waiting, waiting in vain. While my life comes to a standstill, he will carry on with all his antics. Why can't he be honest and say exactly what he wants. If I hear it from his mouth, maybe it will be better. Instead of wondering I would know the truth. I'm not sure how I would react but at least it would be better than not knowing what he really wants.

I feel sad and the pain just doesn't want to go away. There are moments when I feel so strong and know that I can get through this and than there a moments when I'm a blubbering miserable wreck. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite bizarre but I am not sure what to think anymore. In a way it's better that he hasn't called, what would be the point. If he did I would just end up getting soft and forgiving him and he doesnt deserve that. I know he doesn't deserve that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would come to this. In some way I still believed that things would come right. Every single day I would go home and have some glimmer of hope only for them to be dashed by the time I went to bed at night. The only time I knew that I had a husband was when I went to bed at night. Only than did he want to hold me and sleep in my space and blah blah blah.

However all this really hurts and at times I feel the pain stifling me. Waves of sadness envelope me and I am too scared to cry infront of my mum and them. Although at times I can't help myself. My mum is such a strong, bold individual and I know that she doesn't really stand for weakness. I know she is there and she is worried about me, but I still feel so alone. This isn't just a relationship where it was just me and him and it has now ended. This is a marriage. When I got married I altered my life, became the wife and homemaker. Now suddenly I find myself back in my old room at home with no purpose or direction in life. I feel stuck and with no concrete plans, I find myself wanting to do all sorts of things. I want to take the cowards way out and run away. Wish myself away from all of this. But how? I will just be running away from my problems and its not going to make any of this any easier. Why is this happening? What happens next and when will the pain go away?

I feel so let down that he promised me that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me cos I give him whatever he wants and yet he broke that promise and hurt me in the most vile way ever. I find myself feeling angry towards him but than there are times where I feel quite generous and miss him.

I know that I have to decide what I want. After all that's been said and done, do I still want to be with T. Although if he has made up his mind, there is nothing for me to decide. It will be a decision that I will have to live with.

I feel so lost and confused and emotional.

Why Me I keep asking. Why T and I? We were happy and although we had our moments, we always managed to weather the storms.


Azra said...

Wow - I must say that the pain, anger, confusion, emotion...thats all normal - horrible - but normal considering you were married to the guy.

I must also commend you, you're handling all this very well. But I guess its because we're different people and I'm the crazy one :)

See if that was me, hun, he would be a twitching stain on the floor, and it wouldn't matter how much I love his stupid ass, because at the end of the day, I'll always love and respect myself more...and I let no one tramp all over me like a muddy door mat.

I would have seriously set him and his house on fire and said that he was trying to smoke but being retarded it went all wrong. Or I would have held him hostage for weeks, tell everyone he left and went somewhere, and hold him in a dark room where I'd cut his face and rub salt in the wounds and crush his genitals on a daily basis. Oh he must be happy you're not me LOL!

Yeah this is why I'm not married.

Blue Sunflower said...

Hey Azra....

Thanks for making me laugh in all this pain and confusion. I wish I could do all that and more.... There is a part of me that hates him but there is always that but and it irritates me to think of that but....

Thanks again for all your comments. I really appreciate it. Girl power!

phillygirl said...

After you left a comment on my blog today, I went to have a look at yours ... sheesh. What a dreadful situation to be in :( I am thinking of you, if it helps and really hope you find your way to the right path ... what ever that ends up being for you.