I have this urge to write. I feel that maybe in my writing there are answers. Only I know that are no answers right now and as I feel my way through this dark tunnel, the only question on my mind is when will I see daylight again. If there is one thing that this has taught me, it is the power of Sabr - The ability to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience with calmness, self-control and without complaint. Sabr is not something that I was born with. Infact quite the contrary and even now at the best of times, I find myself wanting to throw a tantrum cos I want what I want now. I guess growing up is really much harder than I thought.
I still feel desolate and alone and miserable. Nothing appeals to me anymore. Not food or shopping or even just the odd banter with my brothers. I feel emotionally numb and while I keep praying to Allah for help and assistance, there are times when I feel pretty despondent. I keep thinking I have to believe and put my faith and trust in Him, the Almighty. He is ever-knowing and merciful. I must admit it is hard.
It's officially 2 weeks and a few days since T and I have been apart. We haven't spoken to each other, he hasn't called and I haven't made any attempt on my part to call him. Why should I be the one to call him? However as well as I know him, he is probably sitting there thinking that she left, why should he care or bother. I am his wife, can't he see that. We are linked together by vows, don't they mean anything to him? I don't know what to think anymore and honestly my mind is a minefield of thoughts. I keep thinking that if T can be honest, we can both know where we stand and we can both make decisions. Ultimately whatever decision he makes will impact both our lives. I keep thinking, what do I want? Honestly I don't know what I want? Do I want to be with him, do I want to live my life without him. I'm not sure. All I do know is that I would like some clarity. 4 months going and there is still no clarity as to what happened and why. Why can't he be honest, why can't he be a man and say what he wants. Than I can decide what I want.
I miss him, am I wrong to feel this way? I think of happier times and I find myself feeling generous towards him and than it all comes hurtling back and I find myself back at square one. I feel humilated and hurt but most of all I feel anger. I don't even know what I would say to him if he called. There are just so many questions.
I was away for a week last week. Went with my family to Umhlanga. It was their holiday, I just gate-crashed cos of circumstances. It was hard and I know that it was hard for them too. I know they share my pain. I have forgotten how to smile or laugh and nothing appeals to me anymore. The only highlight was walking along the shore, with the waves breaking at my feet. I felt at peace sitting near the ocean starring into the wilderness contemplating my life and the direction that I should take. I feel as though my life is in limbo. 3 months with no contact is a long time and who's to say that anything will change. 3 Months cos that's when that wretched baby will be born. Why was that the goalpost, I have no idea. Why wont T call me? Doesn't he miss me, doesn't he wonder about me. Doesn't he care? I feel hurt by his actions and I feel betrayed. My best friend, cos that's what T was to me. Will our love survive this separation, will we be able to work things out or are things so far gone that nothing will be able to salvage what we once had. Again I have to put my faith and trust in the Almighty. He knows the answers, it's just upto me to make the sabr and hope for the best. He knows best right?
They say that:
Absence decreases half-hearted passions and increases great ones. Just as the wind puts out the candle yet stirs up the fire. Does this mean that our love was half-hearted?????