Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Nostalgic Feelings

I keep attempting to blog but I am so busy at work that I think I have about a ton of drafts saved somewhere on here. I am trying to complete everything before the end of the week. Its that time of the year when things are winding down, funny enough things here are rather hectic. It's busy busy and I can't seem to get my head around things. Just when I get focused enough and feel that things are under control, another curve ball comes whizzing at me. Yesterday I felt like hanging my head in despair. I was just so close to sealing the deal on one of my projects and it all just went pear-shaped. AAAARRGHHHH.....

I must admit that im not really in the mood for work and waking up is a mission. I think I am tired. This has been a really tiresome and emotional year and I am feeling a tad bit sad. I miss the man terribly and although there are only 2 weeks left for him to come back it feels like forever. Also I keep thinking of the crappyness of this year and its kind of making me sad. Than i get reminded about it by events happening which are beyond anyone's control. It just transports me back to all those feelings of uncertainty and confusion. Sweets and I have spoken about it and have sorted out all the issues surrounding our break-up but there are times when I feel really saddened by the way things had to be. Yes we managed to sort out our drama, but it makes me sad.

I understand that no relationship is without drama and yet the past few days I have been feeling a little melancholy. And he is so far away that I can't voice my feelings. Although I did on Sunday and he was being super nice and sweet. But there is only so much that you can say over a text message and than there is always that fear that the person reading might misinterpret what you trying to say and that will just too painful to try and get through. I sometimes wonder how people can have relationships by only texting and chatting online. What if there is something that you want to discuss and how do you have a fight when you both online.... Weird.

So this girl that has been part of Sweet's social circle, actually his parents social circle, got married over the weekend. She was married before and has a child and boy oh boy is she one strange cookie. We never liked each other and when sweets and I were broken up she acted like a complete B!Tch when she saw me. I heard through the grapevine that she wanted him and actually was going to great pains to get him to marry her. And she had a great deal of things to say about me, when she didnt even know me. I remember only too well the day I met them at the airport in April. We were all together going to leave some people going overseas and Sweets and I were barely speaking to each other. She took full advantage of it and was practically all over him. The entire episode just made me sick. I was hurt and upset and honestly did think that there was something going on between them. So anyway she got married this weekend and I must admit that it just made me think of all the ugliness and nastiness of that time.

Although it was a horrible time in my life Sweets and I have become better people. Although he was always sweet and caring he seems to different in a good way. If we have an argument he will rationally tell me that he is putting the phone down and will call me back just now. He does and by than we both have calmed down enough to understand each other. In the past we would just go on and on with each other saying one more mean thing after another. So although it was a sad and confused time in both our lives we have both grown up.

I keep thinking about planning our wedding. It is sooo exciting and I often have to pinch myself to stop for fear of jinxing it. He sms me yesterday to tell me that he wants a big wedding. I know that when he gets back there will be some planning and discussing and first we have to make our engagement official. I must admit that there are times when i freak out that what if things go awry again like last year, but Im crossing my fingers that it wont. I cant help but plan stuff in my little head. I still have to tell my mother. That is a scary prospect - It is just so complicated. Sweet's family and mine are so intricately linked and things are a tad bit complicated at times. We have known them for close on 11 years and at times its scary if things dont work out. I just hope and pray that all goes well. Crossing my fingers here.

Wish Me Luck!!!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Mixed Feelings

Its work and work and more work. There are deadlines and projects to hand in and workshops to attend and all this before next week Friday. I cant wait but a part of me is a little worried about whats going to happen here. Its not like things are going to stop - Oh No. I have to hand things over to someone here and I know that she is capable its just that some of the tasks ahead are somewhat near impossible. But come next week Friday I will be smiling cos I leave to go on holiday on Saturday and that is the fun part. I cant wait.

I remember only too well the feelings last year. T and I were on a warpath. It was the beginning of the end for us and I began my holiday with mixed feelings. I was happy that I would be away from here but I was also skeptical because T and I were on such a rocky road. Looking back, I still cant believe that the year is almost over. I can still remember coming back to work in January with a bright smile but all broken up and hurt inside. Looking back this wasnt a very nice year. Yes ive grown up and learnt some lessons that one actually wants to learn but the pain and the heartache and the confusion is something that I would not want to go through again. I know that there were many key players that contributed to the floundering of mine and T's relationship and i know that most of them thought great this is it. Its funny how people seem to thrive on other's misery. However who's having the last laugh now. And the shocked faces on everyone's faces was just good enough for me.

I still haven't told my mother about T and my plans to get engaged. T asked me to marry him a whole long while ago. But we have to make things official with our families. Well he's told them and Ive told my brother. I need to work up the courage to tell her. I think she knows that its going to happen, she is just not expecting it. My mother has been through so much drama over the past year as well that I dont want to alarm her. I think with things going so awry in her life she just wants the best for me and who can blame her. So its picking up the courage to tell her and although she will be thrilled I know that a little part of her is going to be sad.

I cant wait for T to come back. I cant believe how quickly the days are going, but suddenly i feel very nostalgic. I miss him and i cant wait for him to come back. Its only 17 days and he will be back home. I just miss him sooo much. I dont have any plans this weekend and I think its making me miss him more.