Saturday, October 31, 2009

T. I. R. E. D.

So where to from here? T and I have become perfect strangers. We share nothing except a home, a bed, dinner and breathing space when we are together. I find it so hard to keep quite, but it's for the best. To him I am just a convenience. What has changed in our life since we first realised that there is a problem here. Nothing! If I keep quite and pretend to be Mary freaking Poppins, all is fine and life carries on in this abnormal way. If I dare to ask questions, to want to know why - ugly words mean't to hurt get hurled at me. Who are I to this man? Where is the man that I fell in love with? What happened to the man who made my world. I feel only pain, resentment but most of all I feel disappointment.

I have decided what I want. I don't want to live like this anymore. For me this is not a life, it's not a marriage. We literally are not allowed to do anything. We go nowhere, do nothing and basically are confined to these walls as if in a prison. Before I got married, I was still regarding as a child in my mother's eyes. I had to answer to her regardless that I was a grown adult, earning my own keep. She was still responsible for me. I got married ready to embark on my own life, to make my own decisions and my own rules. Instead I married a child, who will only listen to his family and won't venture to make decisions on his own. In all these months that we have been married, what have we done together as a couple. We live like old people who have already lived their life.

I don't want to live like 2 strangers. There is more to a marriage than holding each other in bed every night and there is definitely more to marriage than sex. An average day pans out like this since all these dramas have unfolded: I get up at 5:30 every morning, he is still in bed. I get done ready to go to work. Before I leave, I plan what we going to have dinner, tidy up cos the in laws are always walking through my home during the day. I kiss him goodbye as he is waking up and leave for work at about 6:45. I get to work, put in a full day with not a word from him. If I do happen to call him, he snaps that he is too busy to talk to me and we put the phone down. I come home from work get stuck in the kitchen and make dinner. He is home before me and I usually find him lying on the couch when I get home. We kiss each other hello and I get stuck in the kitchen ready to make dinner. We usually eat at around 6 or 6:30 depending what time I come home. He will ask me how was my day and I will ask him the same which is usually a grunt of ok. We eat in silence or maybe talk about inane stuff like the weather. As soon as he is done eating, he dumps his plate in the sink and slinks off next door. I am also expected to go next door, so after I am done doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen I make my dutiful appearance and come back. I usually than prepare for the next day and with nothing else to do read a book or magazine. Whenever he decides to come back from there, he watches tv and than we go to bed where he expects me to have sex with him. And so that's the days of our lives.

Well I'm tired of it. It wasn't like this. We used to talk during the day, we used to cuddle and chat like normal couples, we used to go out and have fun. What happened? His sister and her baby happened and all what we had has suddenly gone out the window. I keep wanting to tell him that sex is not an event. It is a sequence!!! I am tired to hearing that I ill treat his family when I have done nothing to them. I am tired of living like a fucking old woman with no life. I am just tired of all this crap. He carry's on like he has done nothing wrong. Everyone blames me. Well I am tired of it. I have told him that if wants to carry on living like this than I want out. Instead of making a life for myself with my husband, I got a prison sentence where my every move is watched and commented on. What sickens me is that his mother and sister will talk to me and pretend that all is so normal. When behind my back they snicker and have lots to say to him. He in turn believes them and prefers to listen to them. I have always done something wrong.

I'm sorry but I do think that I deserve more. If T can't do anything for me than why should I care. He very candidly told me that they are his blood. So what am I to him?

I am just TIRED......

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I feel a little better today. I'm having a busy day so being busy helps but I still feel sad and miserable. At least at work I am distracted, but the weekends are the hardest. I went home yesterday and he pretended like all was A Ok. He wanted to be all sweet and loving and it just irritates me that you can hurt me so and the minute I threaten to leave or get angry than he decides to be a little better. We ate in silence, he than disappeared next door and I busied myself by tidying up and than decided to watch a little telly.

I am not being nasty, but I am being distant and am not talking to him. What's the point. Whatever I say gets repeated, twisted, analysed and than thrown back in my face like a dirty rag. So keeping quite is my weapon. It is so hard, oh God, I am such a vocal person and can never shut up but I know I have to. He wants to hold me at night, make love to me and I keep telling him that I am not ready to get physical. I need answers and without those I am not sure where I stand.

There is a 3rd force in our marriage that is causing a rift and causing us to drift apart. I know who it is, however there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He loves his sister so much that anything I say will come second and again I will be portrayed as the baddie. T finds himself smack bang in the middle where his mum and sister and I are concerned. They feed him with such crap about me. I might sound so delusional, however every time we argue he must accuse me of doing this to his mother or sister. I didn't go next door to greet them, I didn't want to eat with them, I didn't do this or that. On Saturday last week, while he was in Durban I went back to fetch more clothes cos after the stunt that he pulled I wasn't planning on going back. They asked me what I was doing for the day and I mentioned that I had a hair appointment at 10:30. When I called T after coming back from there at about 9:30, he already knew that I was going to the hairdresser. T actually went as far to accuse me of not bothering about his mother for 3 days that I was away. My question, how would he know - he didn't speak to me for the entire time he was in Durban. Obviously they told him that I didn't come there etc etc etc. They are to be treated like queens. Well shit with them. They might be his boss but I don't need to bow down to them. Yes I will respect them but that's it.

I am so tired and I really do hate his family. I am not like this and hate is such a strong word but I absolutely despise them. On my face, they will smile with me and pretend that they are so happy but behind my back they are hurling daggers. I can't handle them anymore and have stopped going there in the evenings. I say hello and thats it. I can't stand them and the more I think about it, the more angry I become. My life is that of a soap opera and I am tired of the day to day antics that go with it. I feel really scared about this but I want out. I don't want to live this way and if this is there idea of life than sorry. I honestly thought T was different. But I guess I was wrong.

I feel really sad though. He knows that I am upset, he knows that I was sad when I left this morning. He knows that things are not fine between us but he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to make things right. He cannot even call me. He knows everything but he can't be bothered. He does absolutely nothing to right the wrongs in our marriage. How much more must I try and win him over.

Why do things have to be so screwed up? We were so happy. What went wrong?

I have only one question WHY?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Questions with no answers

I feel emotionally drained. I am at work but I'm not here. I can't concentrate and i'm battling to stay focused. I seem to be functioning in a catatonic daze and feel immobilized. I feel as though I need to do something. Anything to get a reaction. Anything to get an answer. It's over 3 months since this mad drama started and the more I think I should try to make things right they more awry they go.

I lost it again today. I tried to ask him again for the umpteenth time what happens next and again I don't get an answer. Am I being to hasty, am I expecting too much? Do I need to try harder to communicate? Am I being unreasonable and is he trying but I am too blinded to see it. What happens next. Is wanting out the only option? He refuses to go for marriage counselling. He doesn't acknowledge me when I ask him to change. I refuse to live the life we've been living for the past 3 months. Why can't he admit what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere or this wouldn't keep creeping up on us but what is the million dollar question.

He says that he is upset about me not wanting a baby, upset that I refused to cook on a Sunday for his lazy mother, upset that I said his sister is forward for minding our business. All this happened months ago. So if he is still upset and refuses to move past it than how do we move forward cos all of this is hampering us. I also feel that a lot of this has got to do with his mother and sister. They seem to tell him stuff about me which in turn makes him to resent me. Suddenly I didn't only marry T. My understanding is that T is my husband and I have a responsibility towards him. Now suddenly I have this obligation to them. I didn't go to their house and greet them, I didn't want to go eat there, I didn't do this or I didn't do that. However the things that I do for them, nobody mentions them.

So will I get an answer. Will I get told what the issue is. I am thinking the best and only option for me is to walk away. To leave and not look back. Yes I will be bad, yes they will probably blame me but what about my sanity and my peace of mind. I can't handle the uncertainty and the not knowing. T does not call me during the day at all. It's been months since he last called me to even just ask me how I am. I feel that I am just a convenience to him. Someone there to make sure his needs are met. For 6 days last week he was away and he seemed pretty fine with being away from me. In the evenings if he wants to chat we will chat and most of the time its banal trash. If he wants to sit with the PSP until his eyes cave in he does it and doesn't talk a word. If he feels like spending all his time next door with his family he does it while I am here alone twiddling my thumbs.

The way I see it he still wants to be that little boy who gets told what to do. He can't seem to stand on his own two feet let alone bother or care about his wife. It seems he wants to be this carefree youngster who has no worries, would rather have his friends around and have his wife for the convenience of his needs. I am really beginning to wonder whether he is capable of being a father.

I know that I have tried, but have I tried hard enough and even if I walk away will I always wonder what if? The thought of being alone again scares me but I know I can't stay for that reason only. I get mere crumbs from him when he is selfish enough to want the whole loaf. I feel torn, emotionally incapacitated and desolate. Why can't I find clarity?

I have so many questions with so little answers.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I find myself standing at a crossroads not sure what path to take. I wish I can have a Sliding Doors movie moment where I can see where which path will lead me where. But life is not as simple as a movie or a book and I understand that whichever path I take, there will be rocky patches that I will have to endure.

3 Weeks ago, we had a long drawn out discussion regarding the dramas that have unfolded in T and my life. We spoke and discussed things at length and we agreed to try again. Things got a bit better thereafter and although they weren't great, it was a start. I realised that Rome wasn't built in a day and I would have to work on this to make it work. Although there were days when I still felt despondent there were also days that made me believe again. I tried to be upbeat, to not let the past few weeks distress me. I focused on becoming friends again and didnt let the little things get me down. However this week that passed has really put me in a position to really question the future of my marriage. How do I carry on? The policy around here is either fit in or fuck off. How do I make it when it is just so hard. How do I plan for the future when the future seems pretty bleak.

So I find myself at this crossroads. I know that I don't want to live this way anymore and T is not bothered to make any changes or meet me halfway. He does absolutely nothing for me and when he feels like it will be loving and sweet. Otherwise the rest of the time he is moody, withdrawn and ignores me. I don't want to live this way anymore and it doesn't look like he wants to change. If only he would be honest and tell me what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere and without knowing the cause of it, we will never solve the problem. I don't know what to do or where to from here. I am scared and feel very alone at times. Why did this have to happen?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Looking Forward

My world has suddenly become very drab after all the colourful drama of the past few weeks. Drab isn't bad, not after the tears and miserableness that added to vast array of colours. However I still find myself feeling as though I am stuck in an emotional rut. My life has suddenly become devoid of any colour and a blank grey has settled in. I find myself itching to do something, anything - anything that will make me feel that the world is truly a wonderful place.

So much has happened and although I thought that my marriage had been given that final nail to the coffin to seal its demise, 2 weeks on and I am still married and trying very hard to make it work. T is no longer the stranger that I was forced to live with, he is more engaging and although irritable and moody at the best of times - I think he is also trying. It's just hard to see but the subtle shift is there. We communicate albeit only a little but things are much better than what they were. Look they not great, but better is good right?

I prefer not to delve too much into what happend and why. Although I usually love to overanalyse stuff, I have learnt that sometimes somethings are just not worth it. It's been a real growing up experience for me and there are times when I still fall by the wayside. I still feel pretty scared at times, cos it all happened so suddenly whose to say that it wont happen again. I also feel very disapointed and disillusioned but I will keep trying. I was prepared to leave, to walk out and never look back but than I changed my mind and decided to give this one more try. Honestly it's been hard and there are days when I feel pretty crappy cos this is not the life that I planned for myself but I am trying and still if things don't work out than at least I know that I have tried.

I keep feeling that with T being the youngest and only son, his family will never leave us to be. They will always want to be part of our lives and be there wanting to know every nitty gritty detail of our lives. It irritates me cos when T and I were dating it was pretty clear that they weren't a close family and his own mother couldn't bother about him. I always felt that I was lucky that I wouldn't have to contend with a mama's boy. Suddenly now his mother can't do enough for him. Why because someone else wants to do for her son so that's why she also has too. It annoys me that we can't live our life without them being there interfering. It's funny how when I just got married I thought that they were not as bad. But they are and it really kind of gets to me sometimes.

I love coming to work cos than at least I am away from there, but the weekends tend to be rather hard for me. T and I have always been fine but it's other forces that always turn things upside down. This is a family that lacks spontaneity, joviality and cheeriness. They tend to make conversation with each other by lowballing others. I was always grateful that I had my own home, thinking that I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to. However that was one of the major issues and so now I make a point of going to say hello. I keep praying and hoping against hoping that our marriage will just get stronger. It's been a rough couple of weeks and although there are times when it all seems in vain, I really want to make it work. If only it were easier said than done. If only my life didn't seem so pointless and devoid of any colour at the moment. If only they all would just disappear?