Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I find myself standing at a crossroads not sure what path to take. I wish I can have a Sliding Doors movie moment where I can see where which path will lead me where. But life is not as simple as a movie or a book and I understand that whichever path I take, there will be rocky patches that I will have to endure.

3 Weeks ago, we had a long drawn out discussion regarding the dramas that have unfolded in T and my life. We spoke and discussed things at length and we agreed to try again. Things got a bit better thereafter and although they weren't great, it was a start. I realised that Rome wasn't built in a day and I would have to work on this to make it work. Although there were days when I still felt despondent there were also days that made me believe again. I tried to be upbeat, to not let the past few weeks distress me. I focused on becoming friends again and didnt let the little things get me down. However this week that passed has really put me in a position to really question the future of my marriage. How do I carry on? The policy around here is either fit in or fuck off. How do I make it when it is just so hard. How do I plan for the future when the future seems pretty bleak.

So I find myself at this crossroads. I know that I don't want to live this way anymore and T is not bothered to make any changes or meet me halfway. He does absolutely nothing for me and when he feels like it will be loving and sweet. Otherwise the rest of the time he is moody, withdrawn and ignores me. I don't want to live this way anymore and it doesn't look like he wants to change. If only he would be honest and tell me what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere and without knowing the cause of it, we will never solve the problem. I don't know what to do or where to from here. I am scared and feel very alone at times. Why did this have to happen?

1 comment:

Princess said...

Blue, maybe now is a good time to tell him that he needs to decide what he wanst as you have made up your mind...you certainly cannot go on like this...

btw taqdeer is something that the Almighty writes and even when we question why us, we get the answer that the Almighty never gives us anything we cannot handle...

Hang in there and be strong!

please drop me a mail I'd like to chat to more privately...Jazakallaj