Why????

I feel a little better today. I'm having a busy day so being busy helps but I still feel sad and miserable. At least at work I am distracted, but the weekends are the hardest. I went home yesterday and he pretended like all was A Ok. He wanted to be all sweet and loving and it just irritates me that you can hurt me so and the minute I threaten to leave or get angry than he decides to be a little better. We ate in silence, he than disappeared next door and I busied myself by tidying up and than decided to watch a little telly.


I am not being nasty, but I am being distant and am not talking to him. What's the point. Whatever I say gets repeated, twisted, analysed and than thrown back in my face like a dirty rag. So keeping quite is my weapon. It is so hard, oh God, I am such a vocal person and can never shut up but I know I have to. He wants to hold me at night, make love to me and I keep telling him that I am not ready to get physical. I need answers and without those I am not sure where I stand.


There is a 3rd force in our marriage that is causing a rift and causing us to drift apart. I know who it is, however there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He loves his sister so much that anything I say will come second and again I will be portrayed as the baddie. T finds himself smack bang in the middle where his mum and sister and I are concerned. They feed him with such crap about me. I might sound so delusional, however every time we argue he must accuse me of doing this to his mother or sister. I didn't go next door to greet them, I didn't want to eat with them, I didn't do this or that. On Saturday last week, while he was in Durban I went back to fetch more clothes cos after the stunt that he pulled I wasn't planning on going back. They asked me what I was doing for the day and I mentioned that I had a hair appointment at 10:30. When I called T after coming back from there at about 9:30, he already knew that I was going to the hairdresser. T actually went as far to accuse me of not bothering about his mother for 3 days that I was away. My question, how would he know - he didn't speak to me for the entire time he was in Durban. Obviously they told him that I didn't come there etc etc etc. They are to be treated like queens. Well shit with them. They might be his boss but I don't need to bow down to them. Yes I will respect them but that's it.


I am so tired and I really do hate his family. I am not like this and hate is such a strong word but I absolutely despise them. On my face, they will smile with me and pretend that they are so happy but behind my back they are hurling daggers. I can't handle them anymore and have stopped going there in the evenings. I say hello and thats it. I can't stand them and the more I think about it, the more angry I become. My life is that of a soap opera and I am tired of the day to day antics that go with it. I feel really scared about this but I want out. I don't want to live this way and if this is there idea of life than sorry. I honestly thought T was different. But I guess I was wrong.

I feel really sad though. He knows that I am upset, he knows that I was sad when I left this morning. He knows that things are not fine between us but he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to make things right. He cannot even call me. He knows everything but he can't be bothered. He does absolutely nothing to right the wrongs in our marriage. How much more must I try and win him over.

Why do things have to be so screwed up? We were so happy. What went wrong?

I have only one question WHY?