I feel emotionally drained. I am at work but I'm not here. I can't concentrate and i'm battling to stay focused. I seem to be functioning in a catatonic daze and feel immobilized. I feel as though I need to do something. Anything to get a reaction. Anything to get an answer. It's over 3 months since this mad drama started and the more I think I should try to make things right they more awry they go.
I lost it again today. I tried to ask him again for the umpteenth time what happens next and again I don't get an answer. Am I being to hasty, am I expecting too much? Do I need to try harder to communicate? Am I being unreasonable and is he trying but I am too blinded to see it. What happens next. Is wanting out the only option? He refuses to go for marriage counselling. He doesn't acknowledge me when I ask him to change. I refuse to live the life we've been living for the past 3 months. Why can't he admit what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere or this wouldn't keep creeping up on us but what is the million dollar question.
He says that he is upset about me not wanting a baby, upset that I refused to cook on a Sunday for his lazy mother, upset that I said his sister is forward for minding our business. All this happened months ago. So if he is still upset and refuses to move past it than how do we move forward cos all of this is hampering us. I also feel that a lot of this has got to do with his mother and sister. They seem to tell him stuff about me which in turn makes him to resent me. Suddenly I didn't only marry T. My understanding is that T is my husband and I have a responsibility towards him. Now suddenly I have this obligation to them. I didn't go to their house and greet them, I didn't want to go eat there, I didn't do this or I didn't do that. However the things that I do for them, nobody mentions them.
So will I get an answer. Will I get told what the issue is. I am thinking the best and only option for me is to walk away. To leave and not look back. Yes I will be bad, yes they will probably blame me but what about my sanity and my peace of mind. I can't handle the uncertainty and the not knowing. T does not call me during the day at all. It's been months since he last called me to even just ask me how I am. I feel that I am just a convenience to him. Someone there to make sure his needs are met. For 6 days last week he was away and he seemed pretty fine with being away from me. In the evenings if he wants to chat we will chat and most of the time its banal trash. If he wants to sit with the PSP until his eyes cave in he does it and doesn't talk a word. If he feels like spending all his time next door with his family he does it while I am here alone twiddling my thumbs.
The way I see it he still wants to be that little boy who gets told what to do. He can't seem to stand on his own two feet let alone bother or care about his wife. It seems he wants to be this carefree youngster who has no worries, would rather have his friends around and have his wife for the convenience of his needs. I am really beginning to wonder whether he is capable of being a father.
I know that I have tried, but have I tried hard enough and even if I walk away will I always wonder what if? The thought of being alone again scares me but I know I can't stay for that reason only. I get mere crumbs from him when he is selfish enough to want the whole loaf. I feel torn, emotionally incapacitated and desolate. Why can't I find clarity?
I have so many questions with so little answers.