Friday, October 16, 2009

Looking Forward

My world has suddenly become very drab after all the colourful drama of the past few weeks. Drab isn't bad, not after the tears and miserableness that added to vast array of colours. However I still find myself feeling as though I am stuck in an emotional rut. My life has suddenly become devoid of any colour and a blank grey has settled in. I find myself itching to do something, anything - anything that will make me feel that the world is truly a wonderful place.

So much has happened and although I thought that my marriage had been given that final nail to the coffin to seal its demise, 2 weeks on and I am still married and trying very hard to make it work. T is no longer the stranger that I was forced to live with, he is more engaging and although irritable and moody at the best of times - I think he is also trying. It's just hard to see but the subtle shift is there. We communicate albeit only a little but things are much better than what they were. Look they not great, but better is good right?

I prefer not to delve too much into what happend and why. Although I usually love to overanalyse stuff, I have learnt that sometimes somethings are just not worth it. It's been a real growing up experience for me and there are times when I still fall by the wayside. I still feel pretty scared at times, cos it all happened so suddenly whose to say that it wont happen again. I also feel very disapointed and disillusioned but I will keep trying. I was prepared to leave, to walk out and never look back but than I changed my mind and decided to give this one more try. Honestly it's been hard and there are days when I feel pretty crappy cos this is not the life that I planned for myself but I am trying and still if things don't work out than at least I know that I have tried.

I keep feeling that with T being the youngest and only son, his family will never leave us to be. They will always want to be part of our lives and be there wanting to know every nitty gritty detail of our lives. It irritates me cos when T and I were dating it was pretty clear that they weren't a close family and his own mother couldn't bother about him. I always felt that I was lucky that I wouldn't have to contend with a mama's boy. Suddenly now his mother can't do enough for him. Why because someone else wants to do for her son so that's why she also has too. It annoys me that we can't live our life without them being there interfering. It's funny how when I just got married I thought that they were not as bad. But they are and it really kind of gets to me sometimes.

I love coming to work cos than at least I am away from there, but the weekends tend to be rather hard for me. T and I have always been fine but it's other forces that always turn things upside down. This is a family that lacks spontaneity, joviality and cheeriness. They tend to make conversation with each other by lowballing others. I was always grateful that I had my own home, thinking that I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to. However that was one of the major issues and so now I make a point of going to say hello. I keep praying and hoping against hoping that our marriage will just get stronger. It's been a rough couple of weeks and although there are times when it all seems in vain, I really want to make it work. If only it were easier said than done. If only my life didn't seem so pointless and devoid of any colour at the moment. If only they all would just disappear?


Anonymous said...

Glad to hear there's an improvement :) Hang in there, your marriage is still really new/young, it takes time, and things generally get better, just gotta be patient and communicate calmly :)

My life feels so drab and grey right now too, its been like this a while *sigh* but no one's life can be peachy and exciting all the time....

My only word of advice is to wait until things are good before bringing kids into the picture.

Maybe the two of you should go away in December, on a little holiday, and be away from his family, maybe that'll help bring the two of you more together.

Blue Sunflower said...

Hey Anon....

Thank you. I guess no path is without stones, but sometimes it just gets a little harder to bear. There is just so much happening with so little leeway that I keep feeling I have to just bite the bullet. But I do believe that there is a God out there and this wont be forever....

Anonymous said...

slmz blue, i read this n I am glad in a way that things have improved slighty. Inshallah it wil get better.

The situation sounds way 2 fimiliar xcept i stayd with the dragons. We makin dua'as that things turn out better n yr bond of love increases, Aameen.

:: Princess ::