Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Randy Andy

Ok. Work really is a haven for me. Regardless of all the crap that goes on and the hard to please business partners, right now it's the only form of sanity that I have. I walked into work this morning and thought to myself that I have lots to do and I am rather going to focus on that than focus on the fact that T has suddenly turned into Randy Andy all the while ignoring me totally. At least the piling workload keeps me sane.

Yesterday was a tad better. We spoke about random things, like the Pantene being on special, Barker Haine's kid getting kidnapped (like I care) and some or other inane crap. However he still disappeared to his parents as soon as he had finished eating and only came back about an hour or so later. I just carried on doing my own thing. Read the Cosmo (it's been a while), pottered a bit around, cleared up and than fell into bed.

How unfortunate that the minute the lights were off, randy Andy emerged pawing all over me. It kind of repulses me to think that the whole day goes by and I don't hear from him, I come home and we greet each other like 2 strangers at a train station and than he disappears only to come home to sleep. So the thought of getting all hot and flustered really didn't turn me on and I just ignored him and went to sleep only to wake up in the morning to more randy Andy antics. I couldn't help it anymore and told him exactly how I feel, but if he even heard half what I had sad is a miracle. Why doesn't he listen.

All I am asking for is for love and affection, some acknowledgement that hey - I remember you, you my wife. Instead I get ignored, am expected to cook for him, clean up after him and put out for whenever he feels like it. What does that make me. Not his wife. But more like a maid who with added benefits.

I am really scared and frustrated and as the days pass I feel even more confused. The elder of both families begged me to stay an extra week. I was ready to leave on Saturday evening after yet another debacle. So I stayed. What happens next. I am terrified to find out.


Anonymous said...

I just read you post and I am a bit shocked at T's behaviour. he need to grow up and realise that its time he behave like a husband and not some starved Randy as you put it.

Gal just take it easy and thing will imrpove otherwise a short break from him andyour marital home might just be what you need.

leave him to sort out his crap and decide what he wants from life - jerk!

Azra said...

Ok, so I dont know how to say this in a 'nice' way so I'm just going to come out and say it. And you may not agree, or you may not choose to follow through, but this is just my suggestion.

I've counselled a few couples in my lifetime, and I know men and women are different. Women express their feelings and love emotionally whilst men only know how to express their feelings physically.

So at this juncture, I'm going to suggest that you change your mindset. And before you tell me anything let me explain. See right now you're all about the "we have issues, we have to sort it out" and "what about my feelings" whilst he remains emotionally shutdown, incapacitated, crippled.

I suspect that he doesnt know how to handle any of this conflict and confrontation. And when you question him, he doesn't respond because he's tornand he simply can't respond. He can't handle it. Remember that most men are F@#$ked up creatures. & maybe this is his way of trying to make amends.

Ok, so this is NOT going to be easy AT ALL, since you're still thinking emotionally (not your fault that you have Oestrogen pumping in your veins), but can I suggest you detach emotionally (not completely just a little). Treat him like how you'd treat a friend with benefits. You talk when you want to, if you dont want to, you dont. Your whole demeanor is chilled out. Life is a blast.

What I'm trying to say is: Use him. Especially physically. Treat him like your bitch. Think and act like a guy. Don't offer him anything emotional. But I suggest that while you're in this 'mode', to consider options. Do you want a kid? Cause if you don't you might want to use contraception because the last thing you want is to end up pregnant and divorced (not predicating, just giving you realistic scenarios) want to play this game right and take ownership of it. Instead of being the 'victim' be the key player, the one controlling the game (& I know playing games is so juvenile but there are no other options at the moment)...

My point is, use him. Let him do what he wants and you do what you want. Cook when you feel like it, dont cook when you dont. If you feel like going to the movies with friends, go. Live your life. If he has a problem with it, then tell him when he decides to be a proper husband, you'll be a proper wife. Basically DONT CARE (even when it feels impossible not to).

I wonder if you change your behaviour this drastically, will it wake him from his emotional coma because he'll notice something in you changed.

To tell you the truth, I suspect that he feeds off your tirades and spats. He likes the attention. You know what my Dad used to do when my parents were married? He knew my mother hated his family, so he'd pick a fight with her, so that he had an excuse to 'leave the house' and go to them without feeling guilty. I know another couple where the hubby did the exact same thing. Didn't speak to his wife for a month because he was torn between his mother and wife and needed an 'excuse' to see his mother. It stipped when she told him that she's not standing in his way and that he was free to see his family whenever he liked, just as long as he didn't expect her to visit them too or entertain them at her house.

Again, I just want to assert that these are just my opinions and advice, and even though these tactics have worked on some couples, it is still totally up to you to decide what to do and you'll do what feels right. Que sera sera...

look I wrote a book.

Azra said...

Oh yeah, one last thing. The way I see it, he either has problems that I mentioned to you on email, or he has trouble communicating his feelings and dealing with the situation...or he's on drugs. Do you think he is capable of cheating on you?

Anonymous said...

T is just full of shit from the sounds of it, he's become too influenced by his family, and should learn to stand on his own two feet and be a man. (Also running around with the younger guy probably affects things and part of him wishes he was carefree and single - which is kind of normal but still...) It sounds terrible the way he is treating you, I woulda commented sooner but I was on holiday, came here today and was surprised to read all these posts on how things have deteriorated. If you feel deep down its really over and there's no hope or its not worth fighting for, leave, dont waste more of your precious life unhappy, and at least you won't have his mother or sister in your life anymore.

But I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really sad! I know how hard it is to work and hold things together while all of this is going on. I hope you have people in your life that are there for you and that you can trust and open up to.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.