Wednesday, September 09, 2009

All about me???


The date today feels like some kind of lucky lottery number. If only I felt lucky. The last week has been really hard for me and I am grappling with so many issues and feelings. My mum became really ill last week Tuesday. We went to the doctor who diagnosed the flu and armed with medication, we came home thinking she would be fine. My mum who does not sleep during the day thinking that if she does, the world will pass her bye, slept for the entire week and by Saturday morning all the symptoms had returned. My brother M took her to our well-trusted GP's and they gave her Tamiflu and a whole lot of other meds to make her better. Tamiflu is the drug that is being prescribed for Swine Flu. The doctor said that he is not saying she has it or she doesnt but since she isnt getting better he is just prescribing it for her.

So with mum being diagnosed with Swine Flu and Ramadaan and the Band acting like a total ass, and issues with the in-laws I have been juggling everything. On Saturday I cooked for her and for the brothers and did the same on Sunday. Since the band decided that he would like to eat his mother's food, he ate there and I ate with the brothers and my mum. But what really gets to me is the Band's callous attitude. When I call him up on it, he says there is nothing wrong and he will come out of this on his own. I am so disappointed in him. We had one of many little meltdowns again on Monday morning and he very candidly pointed out stuff that his mother and sister had told him about me. I feel hurt that they can badmouth and lowball me and he doesn't tell them a thing. I feel even more hurt that they on my face they are sweet and full of smiles but behind my back they are gunning for my every move. I feel disappointed that my mother is so ill and he acts as though he couldn't care less.

We were perfectly happy. Yes we might have had ups and downs but suddenly I am the baddie and we live like 2 strangers. I do battle to keep my mouth shut and will usually opt to speak my mind if something is bothering me. However, I have decided to keep quite. I am really trying but how much longer do I have to pretend that everything is fine when clearly its not. He claims that nothing is wrong, but I can feel that something has changed. Yes we talk, and yes its Ramadaan so by the end of the day everyone's exhausted, but we basically just do the motions and get on with whatever needs to be done everyday. However I can feel the barrier between us and I don't know how to get through to him. I have tried to act nonchalent - it hasn't worked. If I keep quite and act normal than he also acts normal in an abnormal way. If I try shock tactics, he just pretends that I am losing my mind and there is nothing wrong.

I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless regarding this. The way things are carrying on is not normal and I don't know how to fix it. My mum is still not well and went back to the doctor today as she still wasnt feeling too well. Instead of looking forward to a spiritual month filled with atonement, reflection and prayer - there are feelings of inadequacy, resentment and uncertainty. The band knows that he is acting strange. I just want to know for how much longer is this going to carry on.

I keep thinking that maybe I am being paranoid. Maybe there is nothing wrong between us. But I can feel the rift and since we don't communicate about anything that has happened it just makes things worse. God knows I've tried to broach these issues with him but it always lands up in a screaming match. I have tried to bring things up in a non-accusatory manner - but still I get nowhere.

I am convinced that my in laws - MIL and SIL in particular are interfering in my marriage and my husband is not strong enough to stand up to them. How to I get him to see my side or understand my point. I dont begrudge them, they are his family after all, but what about me. Or am I just making it all about myself. I'm not sure.


Azra said...

Plan B. Counselling. Either with the Ulema or someone level headed in authority or a Shrink. You may encounter some resistance from him...but either way, seek some for yourself. Maybe you'll learn something that could help you in dealing with this.

Anonymous said...

Hi been reading yr blog for long while, you sound so sad. The first year of marriage is hard, you will get through it. Everything has a way of working out inshallah

Princess said...

I know exactly what you feeling and going through, only difference is I stayed with the MIL, SIL & FIL and trust me that all nice to your face and behind closed doors they dissect you does not work....

Only advice is get someone independent to assist. I agree with Azra's advice