WHY

Ive had a journal since as long as I can remember. Funny though that when things are rough I tend to want to write more. Penning my thoughts somehow help me to make sense of the chaos that clutters my brain. I feel very nonchalant today. Not really sure why, cos when my mother told me that she told my cousin EB about all this, tears were threatening to fall. I was at work so I really had to compose myself. EB is like a big brother to me. When the time came for signing of the marriage register, I chose him with my 2 brothers to give me away. The thought of him knowing just kind of made it all the more real.

T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.

I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.

There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.

I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????