Monday, September 28, 2009

WHY

Ive had a journal since as long as I can remember. Funny though that when things are rough I tend to want to write more. Penning my thoughts somehow help me to make sense of the chaos that clutters my brain. I feel very nonchalant today. Not really sure why, cos when my mother told me that she told my cousin EB about all this, tears were threatening to fall. I was at work so I really had to compose myself. EB is like a big brother to me. When the time came for signing of the marriage register, I chose him with my 2 brothers to give me away. The thought of him knowing just kind of made it all the more real.

T and I don't talk. This is what he wants, the life he wants without me. To run around as though he doesn't have a care in the world except maybe his car. Last night again, I lost it. I just cant seem to keep quiet. He tests my patience and I end up screaming. I keep having negative thoughts that he has someone else. But that just doesn't sound right. He wouldn't do that - or would he? It breaks my heart to think that. What could have went so wrong. How, I keep asking.

I don't have answers. I only know that things between us are crappy and have been for the past month or so. I've tried and maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I haven't done or said the right things but I have tried. Nothing has worked and all I want to do wake up from this sad dream. I go to work and have to pull myself together cos if I don't concentrate the wheels come off and everything just falls apart. I forgot to do something really important last week and I was so embarrassed when my boss asked me why it wasn't done. Last week Wednesday was really crappy for me. I barely did anything and was an emotional wreck the entire time.

There are times when I find it really hard to accept things and there are times when like right now I feel ok. I feel really sad that T and I don't talk. That since I came home we haven't spoken more than a few words to each other. We eat in silence and than he disappears to his parents or wherever while I have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs. I miss the man that I married. I miss the life full of promise and excitement. I miss what we had and although I really want it back, I don't know if that will be the best in the long run. Everything is so tarnished and ugly and miserable right now. I keep wondering will the sun ever shine again.

I don't know if T even wants me anymore and if he doesn't than what am I doing here. Why wont he be honest about what he wants and why wont he even acknowledge me. Why????

2 comments:

Azra said...

I'm shocked an appalled. Have you asked him what does he want? Like right now, what does he want from you. He should put the cards on the table and let you know.

Its so sad, I have a friend whose husband divorced her in the middle of Ramadaan after 9 and a half years of marriage, because he didn't want to pay her medical bills for an operation she went so that they could have kids...when in the meantime he's the one shooting blanks (forgive my french). Instead, he would rather build a house for his 28 year old brother who has never worked a day in his life, who just decided to get married. WTF indeed.

My duas are with you.

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Azra....

I have asked countless times what the issues are and all I get is a big fat ignore. It is so frustrating.