Sunday, September 27, 2009

The End - I think

It's been a while since my last post and instead of things improving they have just deteriorated. I would like to refer to the Band as T for now as the band makes me think of happier times of me and my Band and right now there is only ugliness and sadness. It seems that my marriage is over. Yes in 9 short months it is all over. The honeymoon period, the carefree days of fun and excitement, the future full of promise. Instead the past 9 months are marred by feelings of pain and sadness. I never wanted for it to come to this but it appears that this is it. There has been one thing after another which has made me into an insecure wreck.

I used to be pretty insecure thanks to a failed past relationship but I had overcome all my demons and I never doubted my relationship with T or even my marriage for that matter. Since before we began the holy month of Ramadaan, things have been shitty. T doesn't talk to me, he ignores me, has forbade me to call him during the day cos he is busy. And now the latest he has befriended a young teenage boy and wants to be out and about without me. He literally does his own thing but yet expects me to just be there, to put out for him whenever he feels like it, to cook for him, clean up after him etc etc etc.

It was Eid day, the end of fast, a day of celebration to be spent with family and loved ones. On the day we usually do a breakfast, than lunch and than supper. The whole day is filled with food and goodwill. He refused to go to my family. Ok fine I went to my mum for breakfast by myself, we had lunch with his family and he spent the entire day in a foul mood sleeping on the couch cos all he wanted was to go out without me. I entertained his family, did all the decor and festivities, was the perfect daughter in law all the while hoping for some appreciation from him. I got nothing. In fact I very candidly got told yesterday that I complained that I had to work the whole day. T lies and twists everything to make him look like he is innocent. I had McDonald's for supper on Eid night. While my family were feasting on seafood as is tradition, I was eating a quarter pounder deluxe at 9pm.

I am convinced that he doesn't want me. He is tired of being married and wants to live the life of a bachelor. I really tried, tried to make it work. Tried to keep quite, not say anything, be civil, be a dutiful wife but nothing. All this time I kept thinking that no I will not walk away from my marriage. I will make it to work. However after the meeting that we had with a mutual elder of the family yesterday, I realised that I have to make peace with the fact that I am probably going to be divorced before my first anniversary.

I don't understand what has happened and why. Suddenly it's as though I don't know this person. It's as though he is possessed by the devil and has no compassion towards me, his wife. He totally disregards me. The funny thing is that we had no problem. A month ago I was singing praises about how in love we are and how perfectly happy I am. It's as though one morning he woke up and decided to become an absolute pig. He has issues with my family when they have not told him a word.

His biggest excuse is that he wanted a baby all along and I didn't want to. So I left the pill and told him lets try to have a baby, now he doesn't want one anymore cos its too late. Maybe he is in competition with his sister, I am not sure but why punish me. Also how do we bring a baby into this world when we has that little being's parents cannot even bare to be in the same room as each other.

I am really disappointed and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that life would turn out like this. I had a fairytale wedding - its a pity that the fairytale didnt last.

8 comments:

Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet said...

I read this with such heaviness, and I just want you to know that my duas (even as a stranger) are with you, for your strength and your happiness.

Anonymous said...

my heart goes out to u and inshallah with the will of Allah everything will work out. Be strong and have faith in Allah.

Princess said...

I've never known such sadness after reading this post and the one after....I am absolutely shocked at the man you call your life partner.

I make Dua'a that he opens his eyes and sees what he is doing...
Inshallah things will work and we will continue making Dua'a for you!

Princess said...

Please pop me a mail if you wanna talk, I promise to listen whole heartedly.

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks for the kinds words and prayers - I really need them right now.

Princess - I dont have your email address. Its not on your profile.

Princess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Princess said...

Ok that does not help - sorry...please send me your mail addy, will mail right away!

Blue Sunflower said...

lol....

My email addy - bluesunflower21@gmail.com