Tuesday was a really shaky day for me. I looked like crap, felt awful and left to go home at about 14:00. I just couldn't handle it all. T has been nothing but sweet and understanding but talking to him or even attempting to was just too much for me and I rather just avoided him.
I don't understand his dad. I have known him since I was in grade school. Over the years he has been nothing but super nice and supportive. When my dad left, he was there, a constant father figure in my life never failing to be there when times were really tough. Last year when T and I broke up, he was still always there and although it used to be very painful seeing him because he was a constant reminder of T, he was still the constant person that would never leave.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that there would be an issue between him and I. Yes there are times when he is impossible, when he really can rant and rave about silly little things. But we all know that's how he is and we just ignore him. But lately it appears that everything is a problem. I am not sure if he is just panicking about everything or maybe just maybe he feels that I am taking his son away from him. Father and son are inseperable. I have no intention of ever coming between them but obviously after we are married things will have to change.
I don't know what happend on Monday night. It was a really petty issue that got blown totally out of proportion and led to a whole lot of tears and uncertainty. On Monday afternoon all I could think off was to just walk away - nobody needs shit like this.
T refuses to accept me not wanting to get married. His dad is somewhat of a loose cannon and can go off at any time. He keeps telling me to ignore him. He told his dad that he just blew everything out of proportion and now everything is in a mess. I am weary. I always thought that his dad is my ally, my friend.
It kind of just makes everything a little bitter. Weddings are supposed to be such fun and the planning is filled with excitement and anticipation - this just tarnishes everything.
Oh and another little shocker - my aunt, the one who is throwing me a bridal shower this weekend, has just been diagnosed with cancer....
In 6 weeks time I am due to walk down the aisle. I am supposed to be starting a new life with someone who I love and who really makes my world. Yet here I am tears falling down my face and my heart feels as though it is being hammered into a thousand pieces. I don’t know what is going on and I don’t know where this is going to but I find myself questioning what I am about to do. Do I need this in my life and is it all really worth it.
I find myself wanting to seek refuge, but where can I go and what would I do. I sit alone starring into the abyss waiting to fall off the cliff over which I am teetering. I relive the events over and over in my head and yet I can’t seem to come to any conclusion. How do things go so awry and how is it all supposed to end. A firm believer in destiny – I look up to the heavens questioning, asking Him for guidance. Only He knows best and I rely on Him to protect and guide me.
I don’t have a problem; neither does the man who centres my world. Oh no quite the contrary. The issues and problems have never been between us – they have always been created by someone who thinks he presides over God himself.
I came home and walked into an blazing row, tables banging, people screaming and shouting at each other and mayhem in the midst. Unknowingly I question and question and as I piece the fragments and snippets of conversation I realise that history is repeating itself. 9 months of preparation are being ripped away from me, months and months of planning and organising, tears and laughter and fun and games are being taken away because I am not good enough. Not good enough for who – the man who is the centre of my world, oh no. It is the monster who tries to govern us all. The monster ridicules, belittles and screams like a tyrant. They try to calm him down but he is livid. He is snatching away pieces of my happiness and turns my home into emotional turmoil. I rush to my room tears spilling onto my cheeks – why I question – why. Where is it all going wrong?
I have mixed feelings. I wish I could leave and never return. Another place, new faces, new people and maybe some kind of normalcy that is everyday life. Not this kind of drama and uncertainty. I love the man with all my heart, but is it really all worth it in the end. The monster that is his father is never going to go away. Yes I am marrying the man and not his father – but the tyranny with which he goes about everyday life is not my idea of what life is supposed to be. I lay awake at night last night questioning and questioning. Do I really want to go through it all. I am not even married and I am being mistreated. For what – who knows for what. The monster believes that his authority presides over everyone. He has the final say and that’s that.
Who lives like that? I always believe live and let live. I feel as though I need to make a decision and whatever decision I make I am stuffed. If I stay – this will happen again of that I am sure. If I go – this is it, the end of the road and there is no going back. I love the man – he is my world and he completes me. We get each other totally. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But is it really all worth it if things are going to be like this.
I am getting married in good faith, to begin a new life with someone who I love and who I know adores and cherishes me. But I can’t begin my life with this cloud hanging over my head. I always looked up to the monster and I always respected and loved him more than my own father. Than why does it feel like he hates me and is adamant that his son leave me? He totally contradicts himself – one minute its this, the next minute its not. I don’t understand it – but all I know is that I am scared. Scared of what my life will become, scared that the future as Mrs T suddenly looks very bleak. Not because of T, oh no. He has done nothing wrong. It’s his father who has suddenly turned into a monster. It’s silly I know. In today’s day and age – who lives like this? It is the year 2008, not 1942 where women were oppressed and men ruled.
T called me last night and this morning. He sounds terrible and only has reassurances for me. I love you he says, I want to spend the rest of my life with you he begs. I want to melt - but something holds me back. I am scared. Scared that by getting married I am entering into a jail sentence of which I will never be free. I live a very free and independant life and to now go into a life where I won't be allowed to do stuff or go anywhere is going to be very painful. I keep thinking this is madness, who lives like this in today's day and age, but it's the reality. T will never be able to stand up to his dad - why - because standing up to him means that you renegading on his authority and than he starts to use his fists.
The dad is a true psycho nut case. I am sure of it now. He was never like this but it seems that he has lost the plot somewhere along the way . He is devious and even makes Machiavelli look like a saint. Seriously but for a whole long while now he seems to have daggers out for me when to be honest I haven't done a thing. He bought us a house, thats a problem. Did T or I ask for it No. He than decided that it is too small and needs to be renovated, change the windows, extend, build extra garages the whole shebang - did we ask for it, a big FAT NO. However suddenly now its our fault. Things are damn costly and I think he is somehow having financial issues to complete it. When they started renovating the house I was summoned to go and have a look at it. See I just think that it is not my place to say I want this put in or that put in as I am not paying for it - So I kept quite - now that is also a problem. It's always the case of damned if you do - damned if you dont.
I don't know what to do, who to turn to or what to say. I am lost, groping around for answers that only I can give. I am at a crossroads and no matter what road I take it is going to be rocky and bumpy and really hard. I am stuck, alone and really miserable. I look like shit today and people have asked me if I am ok cos I look like I have been crying. I had to give some lame excuse that I am not feeling well and I have terrible allergies. I don't deserve this - T and I are not even married yet and already his dad has issues with whatever I do. And yes we going to live on our own - but living right next door with a whole in the wall for all to come over whenever they feel like it is not entirely living on your own.
My family are disgusted. I can't even face them in the eye. I don't know what to say anymore. This situation looks really disgusting from the outside and if I had to be the one peering in I would have said cut your losses and run. But it is never easy when you are in the thick of it.
I don't know what to do - do I make a run for it and forget about the man or do I grind my teeth and go through with it all not really knowing what the future holds......
I have this sudden urge to write. Not really sure why - but I am just feeling a little out of sorts. Life has suddenly taken a turn down busy lane. In fact busy lane is putting it mildly. I knew it was coming, I guess nothing prepares one for the dramatics of planning a wedding. My mother has gone into serious planning mode. A part of me is loving it while another part of me is really wishing that it were all over and I can sleep a little later every weekend.
My mum has got hold a little bag and it is crammed with papers and a huge file and a notebook and a diary. I managed to bum a really gorgeous little notebook - I love stationary ok - off the stationery and gifting department here at work and am into serious note making mode at any time off the day. See I am a list maker and at odd times I will remember stuff and if I don't write it down the chances of me forgetting are really great.
For the past few weeks I have met with my designer every week. She is fantastic and I would recommend her to anyone. If you are ever looking to have a wedding dress made Catherine's Collections is the lady to go to. She is the most nicest person I have ever met. She makes you feel totally comfortable and is not pretentious and will guide you in your choices yet leave you to make up your own mind. I met with the photographer this past Saturday and she also seems really nice. Her portfolio looks really great and she isn't too expensive. The decor lady is also one really smart lady and really knows her stuff. She is so accomodating. I am meeting with someone from a flower farm this weekend because I am totally clueless with what to do for centerpieces. All I know is that I want Gerberas. There is a farm way out Nelspruit way and the owner very kindly sent me a whole lot of samples free of charge. They are in a vase at home and everytime I look at them I can't help but smile.
There is so much to do and I keep thinking what if it all doesnt happen on time. I stress and I smile and I make notes while T is very busy completing our home.
Excitment, Stress, Smiles and Laughter and fun...... Pheewww
In exactly 2 months time I will become Mrs T. If that isn't scary enough than I don't know what is. I am excited and I really am looking forward to getting married - it's the what life will be after that, that scares me. His family, adapting to a really new way off life and just what it all entails. A whole lot of responsibility and a whole lot off of life - changing stuff - things that excite me and scare me all at the same time.
I finally went to the gym yesterday. Shooo - It was hard but I enjoyed it. After 2 months the treadmill really felt good. If only I can keep it up now....
I dedicate this post to my cousin Doc and his lovely wife S. The 2 off them have just added a little extra addition to their family. They have adopted their second baby boy after only 2 years. These 2 got married in 1999. Boy wasn't their wedding a ton off fun. It was his 3rd marriage, mind you and her second so it was really teeny, tiny - but it really was a great weekend.
They have been trying for all this time to have children and if there were any 2 people who are meant to have a whole house full of children it is these two. After every imaginable fertility treatment of falling pregnant they decided to give up trying and just made peace with the fact that they would never have children. All in all S has lost about 13 children. It was the saddest thing and yet she remained as positive as ever and is the most nicest person in the whole wide world.
And than in 2006 they were chosen to adopt a little boy. He is this little adorable little munchkin. Last year I flew down with my two nieces N and N for his 1st birthday party. It was this whole Noddy theme and he was dressed up as a real life Noddy. His parents dote on him all the time and it really is sweet watching them. Yesterday the agency called them and said they could come and collect their baby. We chatted to her last night and she said she knew about the baby but wasn't sure if they would give him to them because there were quite a few other parents. So yesterday she was quite amazed when they called to tell her. Turns out that this little baby is actually little Noddy's brother.
I am totally ecstatic for them. After years and years of longing for a child they now have 2.
Congratulations Doc and S - May your little newfound family always find happiness and contentment and may these 2 little angels bring you immense joy....
Planning a wedding can be sooo much fun. It really is exciting. On Saturday morning my mum and I took on the challenge of looking for fabric in Lenasia - Lenz as it is famously known. The place was bursting with people, it was hot and by 3pm we were tired and oh so worn out. At least we got some gorgeous fabric at really ridiculously low prices. I chose a really lovely pink for the bridesmaid dresses and came across a style that is going to look really pretty. Well I think it's going to look pretty ok.... :)
We than met with the lady who is going to sew the dresses and she also seems really nice. My 2 nieces N and N were first choices for the bridesmaids / flowergirls and than at the last minute I decided on a gem off a little girl. She is so cute and gorgeous and is only 3 years old. How cute is that...
On Sunday I met with the lady who is doing my invitations. She is so reasonable and her cards are unique and really out off this world. They are all handmade and really beautiful. I chose one that is actually brand new. She made it as a sample for someone and the lady didn't like the outcome - well anyway I chose it and she said I can collect the sample tomorrow. How exciting.
I am due to meet with the caterer on Wednesday this week. It's all coming together and really does make for some exciting times.
Other non related wedding issues is that the Rumour actually is true and is not any odd rumour. Well I don't really know all the details but yeah she does think that my brother wants to have something with her. They work on some projects together so naturally they do talk and have to work together. The fool offerred to help her out with something and now her whole family thinks that they are back together. Her brother had the nerve to tell one of my family members that they are an item and he had promised to marry her. Well my brother denies it and I am not really sure what to believe. I have very plainly told him that if she is who he wants than by all means we will not stand in his way. I just don't want him to get hurt in the end. I get the impression that he is really confused. I just know that they are up to their old tricks again of luring him.
I really want to get back to the gym - why can't I find the time.....