Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Crossroads

In 6 weeks time I am due to walk down the aisle. I am supposed to be starting a new life with someone who I love and who really makes my world. Yet here I am tears falling down my face and my heart feels as though it is being hammered into a thousand pieces. I don’t know what is going on and I don’t know where this is going to but I find myself questioning what I am about to do. Do I need this in my life and is it all really worth it.

I find myself wanting to seek refuge, but where can I go and what would I do. I sit alone starring into the abyss waiting to fall off the cliff over which I am teetering. I relive the events over and over in my head and yet I can’t seem to come to any conclusion. How do things go so awry and how is it all supposed to end. A firm believer in destiny – I look up to the heavens questioning, asking Him for guidance. Only He knows best and I rely on Him to protect and guide me.

I don’t have a problem; neither does the man who centres my world. Oh no quite the contrary. The issues and problems have never been between us – they have always been created by someone who thinks he presides over God himself.

I came home and walked into an blazing row, tables banging, people screaming and shouting at each other and mayhem in the midst. Unknowingly I question and question and as I piece the fragments and snippets of conversation I realise that history is repeating itself. 9 months of preparation are being ripped away from me, months and months of planning and organising, tears and laughter and fun and games are being taken away because I am not good enough. Not good enough for who – the man who is the centre of my world, oh no. It is the monster who tries to govern us all. The monster ridicules, belittles and screams like a tyrant. They try to calm him down but he is livid. He is snatching away pieces of my happiness and turns my home into emotional turmoil. I rush to my room tears spilling onto my cheeks – why I question – why. Where is it all going wrong?

I have mixed feelings. I wish I could leave and never return. Another place, new faces, new people and maybe some kind of normalcy that is everyday life. Not this kind of drama and uncertainty. I love the man with all my heart, but is it really all worth it in the end. The monster that is his father is never going to go away. Yes I am marrying the man and not his father – but the tyranny with which he goes about everyday life is not my idea of what life is supposed to be. I lay awake at night last night questioning and questioning. Do I really want to go through it all. I am not even married and I am being mistreated. For what – who knows for what. The monster believes that his authority presides over everyone. He has the final say and that’s that.

Who lives like that? I always believe live and let live. I feel as though I need to make a decision and whatever decision I make I am stuffed. If I stay – this will happen again of that I am sure. If I go – this is it, the end of the road and there is no going back. I love the man – he is my world and he completes me. We get each other totally. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But is it really all worth it if things are going to be like this.

I am getting married in good faith, to begin a new life with someone who I love and who I know adores and cherishes me. But I can’t begin my life with this cloud hanging over my head. I always looked up to the monster and I always respected and loved him more than my own father. Than why does it feel like he hates me and is adamant that his son leave me? He totally contradicts himself – one minute its this, the next minute its not. I don’t understand it – but all I know is that I am scared. Scared of what my life will become, scared that the future as Mrs T suddenly looks very bleak. Not because of T, oh no. He has done nothing wrong. It’s his father who has suddenly turned into a monster. It’s silly I know. In today’s day and age – who lives like this? It is the year 2008, not 1942 where women were oppressed and men ruled.

T called me last night and this morning. He sounds terrible and only has reassurances for me. I love you he says, I want to spend the rest of my life with you he begs. I want to melt - but something holds me back. I am scared. Scared that by getting married I am entering into a jail sentence of which I will never be free. I live a very free and independant life and to now go into a life where I won't be allowed to do stuff or go anywhere is going to be very painful. I keep thinking this is madness, who lives like this in today's day and age, but it's the reality. T will never be able to stand up to his dad - why - because standing up to him means that you renegading on his authority and than he starts to use his fists.

The dad is a true psycho nut case. I am sure of it now. He was never like this but it seems that he has lost the plot somewhere along the way . He is devious and even makes Machiavelli look like a saint. Seriously but for a whole long while now he seems to have daggers out for me when to be honest I haven't done a thing. He bought us a house, thats a problem. Did T or I ask for it No. He than decided that it is too small and needs to be renovated, change the windows, extend, build extra garages the whole shebang - did we ask for it, a big FAT NO. However suddenly now its our fault. Things are damn costly and I think he is somehow having financial issues to complete it. When they started renovating the house I was summoned to go and have a look at it. See I just think that it is not my place to say I want this put in or that put in as I am not paying for it - So I kept quite - now that is also a problem. It's always the case of damned if you do - damned if you dont.

I don't know what to do, who to turn to or what to say. I am lost, groping around for answers that only I can give. I am at a crossroads and no matter what road I take it is going to be rocky and bumpy and really hard. I am stuck, alone and really miserable. I look like shit today and people have asked me if I am ok cos I look like I have been crying. I had to give some lame excuse that I am not feeling well and I have terrible allergies. I don't deserve this - T and I are not even married yet and already his dad has issues with whatever I do. And yes we going to live on our own - but living right next door with a whole in the wall for all to come over whenever they feel like it is not entirely living on your own.

My family are disgusted. I can't even face them in the eye. I don't know what to say anymore. This situation looks really disgusting from the outside and if I had to be the one peering in I would have said cut your losses and run. But it is never easy when you are in the thick of it.

I don't know what to do - do I make a run for it and forget about the man or do I grind my teeth and go through with it all not really knowing what the future holds......

4 comments:

Kitty Cat said...

That really is a tough one, as only you know if the man is worth it. I would say that if your husband-to-be can stand up for you to his father, then there's hope. Your are going to be his wife, and he should be protecting you from abuse, even if it's from his own dad. If he can't do that, then you're doomed to a life of feeling like this. And it's hard for you to make a stand, because it's not your own father. I'm so sorry, it sounds very difficult.

ExMi said...

i'd like to say something helpful like 'life doesn't put anything in front of you that you cannot handle', but i dont think that would really be helpful, would it?

in any case, i wish you love, strength, courage and patience to seek the life you want...

Blue Sunflower said...

KC & Exmi - thanks for your kind words.

angel said...

oh how i wish i had advice for you!
thinking of you...