Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fuzzy Future

I have been MIA and although I have began many a blog post in these past 2 weeks I just never found the time to complete them.

The month of Ramadaan is upon us and this year things are a little bit different. Instead of relying on mum, I now have my own home with my own responsibilities. Honestly I was looking forward to this month. While it is a time to pray and reflect and atone, it is the band and my first Ramadaan together as husband and wife. Unfortunately my excitement has been marred by developments that have occurred in these past 2 weeks that have left me shocked and very miserable. I have tried to be strong and really overlook but I can't help feel a little unsure and distrustful of everyone around me.

The band and I had a really huge blowout during the long weekend that passed. Things were said and done and by the end of the weekend all was sorted out. We made up, made peace and all was well again in our world. Or so I thought. The in-laws got involved thanks to my mindless sister in law and thats when everything went really pear-shaped. The dad who is more like a father to me than my own dad, was very supportive and did not take sides between me and his son. He was angry and upset and couldn't understand where all this was coming from.

It was only much later after countless tears and heartache did I realise that my sister in law was behind this whole thing. She knew about the band and my argument over the weekend and told the dad. However she added and subtracted as she felt and gave the dad the wrong perception and now suddenly I was the villain in the story. I cant believe the garbage that she and her mother fed to him and when he clarified it, I had no clue what he was talking about.

I asked in passing about cousin B - that became an issue. There was some issue about me telling the mum how much something had cost after I had bought it. There was an issue about the maid. There were just issues all which I had never done or had no bad intention when doing it. I asked about cousin B cos I hadnt seen her in a while. I am not sure how or why that was an issue but it was. I have no recollection of me telling the mum about how much something was and when he asked her infront of me she suddenly did not know what he was talking about. He got so angry with her and I am sure he realised that they had just fed him a bunch of lies.

However the person who I am most disappointed in is the band. Suddenly, overnight he had changed and I don't know why. Just cos the dad had scolded him for the fight that we had, he became cold towards me. All the i'm sorry's and the flowers meant nothing and I had become the enemy. Also the fact that the band and I were having an issue does not give anyone the right to make it about themselves. That is exactly what my MIL and SIL did. They made this about themselves by lowballing me.

As for my SIL, I get the feeling that she is using the band as a weapon to get what she wants. Suddenly he is feeling so responsible for her. He is going to buy her a bmw pram and car seat. He is going to Game to buy some plaything for the baby. She had a doctors appointment 2 weeks ago and the doc couldn't make it, so they rescheduled for Sunday morning. He had to take her. So there I was on Sunday morning all alone at home, while he took his sister to the gynacologist. Why cos when I was sick the band drove me to the doctor late Sunday evening. So where to from here I keep wanting to know. Is she expecting the band to father her child cos clearly this baby has no biological father. She miraculously created it on her own.

I also have picked up that the dad does not talk to them regarding this. They very candidly began discussing her unborn baby on the dinner table last week and he ignored them totally. 3 times they brought it up and on all 3 occassions he ignored them. I know how he thinks and I know that, that is something he wont condone however what happens when the baby is born. How are they going to explain a small baby to their family and friends. Its funny how on Sunday when guests came over, she wore a Kaftan which hid her growing tummy rather nicely.

I cant help but feel that what happens to the band and our life. Surely we also want to have our own family but now with the band feeling so responsible for her, I just feel that we will constantly have to live in her and her baby's shadow. If sil did this than we should do it too. Also what happens when there are family outings, the band, our children and I - will we be saddled with her child as well cos shame it doesnt have a father. My imagination is running away with me but I cant help but feel that surely an innocent baby will foster lost of love and joy in their home but at what price. At the price of me losing my husband. He must go to the pharmacy to buy her pills and vitamens, he must go with her to the doctor. He must buy her the pram and so the list goes on and on.....

I feel as though that pretty picture that was my life full of love and laughter and promise has become a dream with only uncertainty and fuzzyness clouding the reality.

I feel very despondent about the future and on more than one occasion during this past 2 weeks I have questioned the future of my marriage. I know that this is his mum and sister but what about me - his wife. All they do is complain and act the victim. I can see the pressure that they are placing on his shoulders and to be quite honest it is causing a strain on my marriage and I don't know what to do about it.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Winter and all things not nice....

I have had enough of Winter and everything else that goes with it. Especially the flu. I was sick last week, went to this ancient doctor that the band swears by and although he treated me very nicely, the meds that he gave me were quite weak - i think. Saturday morning I woke up with a runny nose that just didn't want to go away. Pill after pill and my nose just kept on leaking. To top it all the band and I decided to go watch The Proposal on Saturday night - it was miserable outside and with eyes spluttering and snots running - i made it through the movie. I am sorry old man who was sitting next to me merrily sipping his coffee as I merrily blew my nose at every chance I got.

By Sunday evening I was exhausted, the fever had returned and I asked the Band to take me to my doctor. So we made the trek down and after a good checking up he booked me off until today. To be quite honest, I still don't feel 100%. My head really hurts and I feel weak and tired most of the time. I keep thinking that I need to go to work cos I am beginning to get cabin fever now and every little thing the band does is starting to work on my nerves. He is such a lucky sod that he gets to work flexi-time so he comes and goes as he pleases. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, cos he has a million and one things to do and a million and one people to please.

The knocked up sister went to her gynae on Monday. The usual damsel in distress who cannot even go to the corner Spar to buy a loaf of bread went on her own, to a place that she has never been to. I for one don't believe that. Come on obviously she made this baby with someone and what are the chances of that someone not wanting to be a part of his unborn child's life. Unless he really is a lowly loser and she really is out on her own. Yesterday she needed to go to the lab for a blood test, she made her brother take her in the evening. But you made no fuss to go and see your new gynae.

The band told her that he has told me she is pregnant and she very candidly told him that oh she thought I knew all along. So what, was she expecting me to ask her. I am not her. A few months ago she and her parents went on an overseas holiday. While they were away, everyone thought I was pregnant cos I felt like crap 99% of the time. The band mentioned it to her when they came back and when she saw my mum she asked her about everyone thinking that I was pregnant. I respect people's privacy and will not pry just to be in the know. I don't plan on saying anything to her unless she brings it up. Why should I? Until now it has been a state secret so why should I get all chummy with them. Maybe I am wrong to feel this way but it just irritates me to no end.

In 2 weeks time we begin fasting and to be quite honest, I am a little worried. I have to be more responsible and worry about the band whereas before mum did all the worrying. I am also a little concerned about a few other issues and I am hoping against hoping that they work themselves out instead of me being miserable.

The band has been super busy these past few days but he still finds the time to pamper me and check up on me. I absolutely love that he makes the bed, makes me warm chocolatey drinks every night and holds me close when I get the shivers..... Hmmm thank you band!

I am not sure if I should go in to work tomorrow. I dont feel too great and with the long weekend around us most people will be off anyway. I feel bad but I can't go in and than leave early if I feel crap. Yesterday the band asked me to please drive down to the shop to buy something that he needed and I drove like Miss Daisy and felt so weak and headachey when I got back. Really not sure what to do.....

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