Faith

So I tried to be proactive and promote the fact that my organisation is looking for a few house models to come in on a part-time basis to do fittings for clothes. I work for a huge retail organisation and we are desperately looking for some ladies and a man to do some fittings a few times a week a few hours a day. Well my efforts have been in vain. Oh well - I should present my blog at my next performance review. At least I will get a score for initiative :)



This week has really dragged for me. I was really dreading coming back on Monday, but no sooner was I here when I felt that work is that solace that it has been these past few months. It has become the only constant and manageable aspect of my life. And we all know how manageable this job is with my business partners that make ogres look tame. In all these months, work was like a haven and I dreaded weekends. Not to sure how I feel on that stance right now. I know that I am better of where I am. At least I don't have to worry about T and his weird antics and I don't have to wonder what to do next regarding the in-laws. Should I go next door, shouldn't I? Should I offer to cook something or make something out of my own? Should I or shouldn't I - the story of my life.



However I am really grappling with the fact that T hasn't called. It's a week today and nothing - no calls, no texts just silence. I can't help but wonder does he not think of me, does he not miss me, does he not care? Although I am not sure if I even want to speak to him at least I would have known what he is thinking. However when I left on Friday and also from what I gathered on Sunday from his dad, it seems he was still on his high horse and was still thinking that he had had no part in all of this. So what would be the point if he called and still acted as though he did nothing wrong. Besides how will he face me? He made me think that I was going crazy and just accusing him of crap when in actual fact there was this friend of his that he was visiting, chatting to, spending time etc etc etc. I am not saying that he had something with her, but the fact remains that he hid their relationship from me. I knew they were friends from before but than why couldn't I be friends with her too. Why did he have to hide that from me. Granted I know that I would have been pissed about it and would have probably got really angry with him, so that's why he didn't want to tell me. But where does that leave me as his wife? I thought we were fine, sharing stuff and getting along like a newly married couple and I keep wondering where was his head all along.

That is only one of the things that caused the breakdown of our marriage. What about his family, his mum and sister who have been baying for my blood for a while now. I cannot live in their shadows. Yes they are his family and I don't begrudge him that, however he needs to differentiate between the two and create that balance.

I am going with my family to Durban tomorrow. They had planned their holiday weeks ago and now that I am back home, I'm going with. A holiday is what I need but honestly I am not sure if I am going to be good company this coming week. I feel like crap most of the time and I really have to try very hard not to let my thoughts run away. I miss him and I keep wondering why he hasn't called. Honestly it's really getting to me. Does that mean that he is glad to be rid off me? I feel as though I am in limbo. Where to from here and what happens next? I feel scared of the future and can't really make any concrete plans. Also when I got married, I changed my mindset to that of being married and being part of a couple. Now I find myself back home, in my old room, holidaying with my folks, alone.

I so wish things were different. I pray and hope against hope that it all works out for the best. What do I want? I'm still not sure. What does he want? Who knows. Maybe if I knew what he wanted - it would be better. Than I will know what to do. I am trying to be patient and I am really trying to just look forward, but how does one look forward when the past is so hazy. I know that in order to move on, I will have to reach some kind of closure. I am not even sure if I want to move on from what's happened and start afresh or move on to a future without T. Who knows what is going to happen next and although I try to be patient I often find myself wanting to throw a 2 year old tantrum and demand to know what happens next. I fully believe in Destiny and I know that all this was meant to happen. Also whatever will be will be and I just hope and pray that all works out.

I miss him! Is that wrong after the way he treated me. I find myself thinking of all the good times but than the issues come up as well and I end up feeling very confused and disheartened. Although these past few months have been crappy, there were times when he was sweet and caring and I was just so angry at him that I shut him out. I can see my faults now. I know I tried but did I try enough or did I just go about it all the wrong way. I wish things were different, but they not. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what the reason for all this is. I have FAITH!!! That is all that is keeping me sane at the moment.

House Models Needed - Part-Time

House Models Needed

Ladies Size 10

Height - 167 - 168cm

Bust - 87cm

Waist - 70cm

High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 89cm

Hip - at 20cm below waist - 96cm

Thigh - Top - 57cm

In-Leg -to floor - 82cm

Ladies Size 18

Height - 167-168cm

Bust - 108cm

Waist - 91cm

High Hip - at 10cm below waist - 108cm

Hip - at 20cm below waist - 115cm

Thigh - Top - 68cm

Menswear - Large Size

Height - 178cm

Chest - 102cm

Waist - 87cm

Neck Base - 41cm

Thigh - top - 60.5

If you or anyone meet the requirements- Please message me.......

This is a perfect position for someone who has time on their hands and looking to make some extra money......

Questions

Today has been good. Not great but good. I've been really busy and work has become that solace that it's been since all this crap started. I am also seriously looking at buying a car. I know I am being pretty impulsive but why not. All this time, I've been using one of T's cars and I didn't take his car with me when I left.



I feel kinda numb and I know that the crappiness can surface at any time. I still feel sad when I think of all that's been said and done. The fact that I haven't heard from him makes it worse. Honestly I'm not sure if I want to even talk to him. I mean what is there to say. I want answers and knowing T, he wont be able to provide me with those answers. He couldn't in all these months so what's changed now. I wonder about him, what's he doing, where's he now, is he missing me. All questions that somehow leave a hollow feeling.



His dad called this morning and wanted to talk to me. He sounded so sincere and concerned about me. It's sad that his dad can call and ask how I am but T couldn't be bothered. That's the crux of this whole thing. I am not married to his dad and if I go back I wont live with his dad. T needs to say what the fuck he wants so that everyone can be on the same page. There are just so many issues that have created this mess that I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Do I really need in-law issues on top of husband issues. I always knew my in laws were weird. However I never took them to heart and their antics never bothered me cos T was always fine with me and between us there were no issues. But I cant still have to contend with both issues when the reason why I am there is because of him and he couldn't give a shit about me.



I find myself in between of being busy thinking of him. My mind will wander and I will think about where he is and what's he doing. Also his dad is gone to Durban, so where is he and who's he with. My thoughts end up running away with me quite often and although I try not to think too much I am human. I know that I am better off where I am, cos he can't hurt me anymore. But I am still married to the man and honestly I do miss him. Is that normal?

Finality and clarity is what I want. But what do I want out of this whole thing - that's another million dollar question.

Acceptance

I am in such a ugly place right now and all I want is for the storm to pass and for the sun to come out again. I feel battered and bruised and confused. Acceptance is hard and although I have to accept what has happened I find myself replaying conversations and situations over and over in my head. Honestly there are are so many factors that contributed to this situation but the hardest one to bear is the fact that T might have cheated on me. I don't have any concrete proof and the girl in question denied everything infront of him and his parents, however the niggling feelings still persist and the fact that my family see things rather differently don't seem to make things any easier. They are hurting with me, however while they feel only anger I am a whole mixed bag of emotions.



I unpacked my bags last night and looking at all the lingerie and pj's and clothes, just made me think of all that's happened good and bad. It reminded me of happy times and suddenly I wanted it all back. I go to bed and night and those times are the hardest. These past few weeks him holding me close at night was the only constant in my life and I miss him the most when I go to sleep. I knew that he was there even though emotionally who knows where he was. I miss him. Is is wrong for me to miss him, to wonder about him. I feel sad that it looks like he is pretty happy where he is. Since he hasn't called what must I think. Doesn't he think of me, doesn't he wonder what am I doing? Doesn't he care. He is still living in our home, doesn't anything remind him of me?



I know that I have to make peace with what's happened. I can't keep on dwelling on the past and most of all I can't keep on fixating my mind on what he said and did. It's just too hard. I know that I still love him even though he has hurt me in the most vile way possible. Also going back is not going to be easy. How do I trust him to not hurt me again in any way. Than there is is family that will never go away and a lot of the issues between us is to do with them. I just feel so let down that T had 9 months of an engagement period to decide if this was what he really wanted. He was the model fiance and although we had ups and downs nothing was as huge as this. I don't know this person anymore and I am not even sure I like him. I must admit that T is pretty immature and has no back-bone to do anything for himself. That I only picked up on after we were married. I know that after one gets married things change but not to this magnitude. It also hurts that while I was there, as his wife he chose his friend and family over me. So while I still portrayed the perfect wife making sure all his needs are met, he was striking up a friendship with his old friend. Where was I lacking and what did I do wrong for him to turn to someone else. I thought T and I were best friends. We always gelled and got along so why the sudden change. Also T used to always stress that he would never hurt me cos I am there for him as a wife and he loves me too much. So why than did he go and hurt me in such a horrible way.



I have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Almighty. It's hard cos I am a human being and if there is one thing that I do lack is patience. I guess this is a test from Him above and it will only make me a stronger person eventually but the end question still lies with me. What do I want? Honestly I don't know. There is so much to consider. His family that saw fit to make this all about themselves and who were the catalyst to our problems and than there is T who I don't know if I can trust anymore. I wish I knew what he wanted. If he wants out than fine, and if he wants to be with me than I will decide whether I want to take that risk.

I don't feel too bad today, but I know that these feelings will be shortlived. I don't feel positive, I am merely just existing and I find it so hard to carry on. I hope and pray that all works out for the best in the end. Finding acceptance is really hard. Acceptance that all this happened, acceptance that T doesn't want to be with me, Acceptance that it's finally over since he hasn't called or bothered with me since last week. If only accepting all these things were easy. I have resorted to prayer and I do feel stronger but it's the acceptance that's the hardest part.

Over....

T and I are officially seperated. Honestly I am not in a happy place right now and I find myself crumbling and battling tears at a moments notice. I feel sad, miserable and terribly unhappy. But most of all I feel that I have really screwed up my life and I feel very disappointed in T. I've been better and have just had a weekend from hell. Although I am glad that I am at home and I don't have to contend with him ingoring me or the in-laws watching my every move, it hurts. I have been alone for a while now, with regards to him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't called. I left on Friday evening and I haven't heard anything from him. Do I want to? Yes, No, Maybe. What do I want? I don't know!

Is he happy that he is finally rid off me? Is he happy that now he can do as he pleases without me there to cramp his style or nag at him? The fact that he hasn't called, makes me think this way. His dad came to my mum's place yesterday and he said that T is still saying lots of stuff about me. So he still blames me when he started all this in the first place. I felt like texting him yesterday to say Congrats. All your hard work this past few months has finally paid off and you are now finally rid of me. Well done. It's just such a pity that you had to lie and bad mouth me to get what you want. I didn't send it. Had it all typed out but didn't send it. What would be the point? He is still on that high horse, not bothered about me, not cared. Honestly he is probably thinking that I got what I wanted. Which I didn't. Circumstances that have happened in all these months have led me to leave. Circumstances which he created. There are notions or rather shadows that imply that there is or was someone else. A close friend of his, who I befriended as well. Not sure what is up there. However I find it eating at me thinking the most bizarre thoughts. I am his wife for crying out loud. This friend denies having anything to do with him, but while he was being nasty and mean to me he was spending quite a bit of time with her. So what gives? I told her a mouthful regarding being friends with a married man, but it doesn't change the fact that T was also calling her, chatting to her, visiting her. So how do I trust him.



I feel as though my life is in limbo. What happens next. The dad thinks that this is just a separation until the baby comes. Or it's just a seperation until we cool our heads. However if T doesn't call, doesn't make amends how can I go back after 3 months. A lot can happen in 3 months time and a lot has happened that needs to be dealt with. How do I trust this man again? I don't even know if I can forgive him. To be quite honest it looks like he doesn't want me. So what would be the point. I feel that I am going to be waiting, waiting in vain. While my life comes to a standstill, he will carry on with all his antics. Why can't he be honest and say exactly what he wants. If I hear it from his mouth, maybe it will be better. Instead of wondering I would know the truth. I'm not sure how I would react but at least it would be better than not knowing what he really wants.

I feel sad and the pain just doesn't want to go away. There are moments when I feel so strong and know that I can get through this and than there a moments when I'm a blubbering miserable wreck. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite bizarre but I am not sure what to think anymore. In a way it's better that he hasn't called, what would be the point. If he did I would just end up getting soft and forgiving him and he doesnt deserve that. I know he doesn't deserve that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would come to this. In some way I still believed that things would come right. Every single day I would go home and have some glimmer of hope only for them to be dashed by the time I went to bed at night. The only time I knew that I had a husband was when I went to bed at night. Only than did he want to hold me and sleep in my space and blah blah blah.

However all this really hurts and at times I feel the pain stifling me. Waves of sadness envelope me and I am too scared to cry infront of my mum and them. Although at times I can't help myself. My mum is such a strong, bold individual and I know that she doesn't really stand for weakness. I know she is there and she is worried about me, but I still feel so alone. This isn't just a relationship where it was just me and him and it has now ended. This is a marriage. When I got married I altered my life, became the wife and homemaker. Now suddenly I find myself back in my old room at home with no purpose or direction in life. I feel stuck and with no concrete plans, I find myself wanting to do all sorts of things. I want to take the cowards way out and run away. Wish myself away from all of this. But how? I will just be running away from my problems and its not going to make any of this any easier. Why is this happening? What happens next and when will the pain go away?

I feel so let down that he promised me that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me cos I give him whatever he wants and yet he broke that promise and hurt me in the most vile way ever. I find myself feeling angry towards him but than there are times where I feel quite generous and miss him.

I know that I have to decide what I want. After all that's been said and done, do I still want to be with T. Although if he has made up his mind, there is nothing for me to decide. It will be a decision that I will have to live with.


I feel so lost and confused and emotional.

Why Me I keep asking. Why T and I? We were happy and although we had our moments, we always managed to weather the storms.

T. I. R. E. D.

So where to from here? T and I have become perfect strangers. We share nothing except a home, a bed, dinner and breathing space when we are together. I find it so hard to keep quite, but it's for the best. To him I am just a convenience. What has changed in our life since we first realised that there is a problem here. Nothing! If I keep quite and pretend to be Mary freaking Poppins, all is fine and life carries on in this abnormal way. If I dare to ask questions, to want to know why - ugly words mean't to hurt get hurled at me. Who are I to this man? Where is the man that I fell in love with? What happened to the man who made my world. I feel only pain, resentment but most of all I feel disappointment.

I have decided what I want. I don't want to live like this anymore. For me this is not a life, it's not a marriage. We literally are not allowed to do anything. We go nowhere, do nothing and basically are confined to these walls as if in a prison. Before I got married, I was still regarding as a child in my mother's eyes. I had to answer to her regardless that I was a grown adult, earning my own keep. She was still responsible for me. I got married ready to embark on my own life, to make my own decisions and my own rules. Instead I married a child, who will only listen to his family and won't venture to make decisions on his own. In all these months that we have been married, what have we done together as a couple. We live like old people who have already lived their life.

I don't want to live like 2 strangers. There is more to a marriage than holding each other in bed every night and there is definitely more to marriage than sex. An average day pans out like this since all these dramas have unfolded: I get up at 5:30 every morning, he is still in bed. I get done ready to go to work. Before I leave, I plan what we going to have dinner, tidy up cos the in laws are always walking through my home during the day. I kiss him goodbye as he is waking up and leave for work at about 6:45. I get to work, put in a full day with not a word from him. If I do happen to call him, he snaps that he is too busy to talk to me and we put the phone down. I come home from work get stuck in the kitchen and make dinner. He is home before me and I usually find him lying on the couch when I get home. We kiss each other hello and I get stuck in the kitchen ready to make dinner. We usually eat at around 6 or 6:30 depending what time I come home. He will ask me how was my day and I will ask him the same which is usually a grunt of ok. We eat in silence or maybe talk about inane stuff like the weather. As soon as he is done eating, he dumps his plate in the sink and slinks off next door. I am also expected to go next door, so after I am done doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen I make my dutiful appearance and come back. I usually than prepare for the next day and with nothing else to do read a book or magazine. Whenever he decides to come back from there, he watches tv and than we go to bed where he expects me to have sex with him. And so that's the days of our lives.

Well I'm tired of it. It wasn't like this. We used to talk during the day, we used to cuddle and chat like normal couples, we used to go out and have fun. What happened? His sister and her baby happened and all what we had has suddenly gone out the window. I keep wanting to tell him that sex is not an event. It is a sequence!!! I am tired to hearing that I ill treat his family when I have done nothing to them. I am tired of living like a fucking old woman with no life. I am just tired of all this crap. He carry's on like he has done nothing wrong. Everyone blames me. Well I am tired of it. I have told him that if wants to carry on living like this than I want out. Instead of making a life for myself with my husband, I got a prison sentence where my every move is watched and commented on. What sickens me is that his mother and sister will talk to me and pretend that all is so normal. When behind my back they snicker and have lots to say to him. He in turn believes them and prefers to listen to them. I have always done something wrong.

I'm sorry but I do think that I deserve more. If T can't do anything for me than why should I care. He very candidly told me that they are his blood. So what am I to him?

I am just TIRED......

Why????

I feel a little better today. I'm having a busy day so being busy helps but I still feel sad and miserable. At least at work I am distracted, but the weekends are the hardest. I went home yesterday and he pretended like all was A Ok. He wanted to be all sweet and loving and it just irritates me that you can hurt me so and the minute I threaten to leave or get angry than he decides to be a little better. We ate in silence, he than disappeared next door and I busied myself by tidying up and than decided to watch a little telly.


I am not being nasty, but I am being distant and am not talking to him. What's the point. Whatever I say gets repeated, twisted, analysed and than thrown back in my face like a dirty rag. So keeping quite is my weapon. It is so hard, oh God, I am such a vocal person and can never shut up but I know I have to. He wants to hold me at night, make love to me and I keep telling him that I am not ready to get physical. I need answers and without those I am not sure where I stand.


There is a 3rd force in our marriage that is causing a rift and causing us to drift apart. I know who it is, however there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He loves his sister so much that anything I say will come second and again I will be portrayed as the baddie. T finds himself smack bang in the middle where his mum and sister and I are concerned. They feed him with such crap about me. I might sound so delusional, however every time we argue he must accuse me of doing this to his mother or sister. I didn't go next door to greet them, I didn't want to eat with them, I didn't do this or that. On Saturday last week, while he was in Durban I went back to fetch more clothes cos after the stunt that he pulled I wasn't planning on going back. They asked me what I was doing for the day and I mentioned that I had a hair appointment at 10:30. When I called T after coming back from there at about 9:30, he already knew that I was going to the hairdresser. T actually went as far to accuse me of not bothering about his mother for 3 days that I was away. My question, how would he know - he didn't speak to me for the entire time he was in Durban. Obviously they told him that I didn't come there etc etc etc. They are to be treated like queens. Well shit with them. They might be his boss but I don't need to bow down to them. Yes I will respect them but that's it.


I am so tired and I really do hate his family. I am not like this and hate is such a strong word but I absolutely despise them. On my face, they will smile with me and pretend that they are so happy but behind my back they are hurling daggers. I can't handle them anymore and have stopped going there in the evenings. I say hello and thats it. I can't stand them and the more I think about it, the more angry I become. My life is that of a soap opera and I am tired of the day to day antics that go with it. I feel really scared about this but I want out. I don't want to live this way and if this is there idea of life than sorry. I honestly thought T was different. But I guess I was wrong.

I feel really sad though. He knows that I am upset, he knows that I was sad when I left this morning. He knows that things are not fine between us but he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to make things right. He cannot even call me. He knows everything but he can't be bothered. He does absolutely nothing to right the wrongs in our marriage. How much more must I try and win him over.

Why do things have to be so screwed up? We were so happy. What went wrong?

I have only one question WHY?