Monday, October 13, 2014

After a While...

After a While, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plan your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn - Veronica A. Shoffstall

Friday, December 02, 2011

Fashion Frenzy

Everywhere around our building here at work, there are paper advertisements stuck on the walls highlighting some or other sample sale.  Working for a fashion house should have it's benefits right.  The queues begin snaking early and it's almost like a fish market of sorts as the noise levels escalate.  The one sale scheduled to start at 9:00, had people queuing from 7:00.  All in the name of branded housewares I guess.  Sadly I have hardly attended any sales.  This place lately in terms of work has been so crazed.

There are just too many projects on the go and instead of winding down, its full steam ahead.  However the one I did attend left me standing there mouth agape.  Firstly if you advertise a sale for ladies branded wear, you gotta know that it's overseas stuff like Top Shop, Zara, Next etc etc etc and since it's samples there will only be one of a kind.  The buzz around the rooms (which aren't very big) was loud enough to be heard at the entrance of our building and like a frenzy of souls trying to feed off a carcass, there are bound to be a few fights as they battle out the queues.  All in the name of fashion...

This is so not my scene.  I do not do frenzied, hair-pulling, tug-of-war type shopping.  I took one look at that queue and I left.  However later after the initial buzz had sort of calmed down, I decided to go in and take a peek.  People were walking out with clothes by the armload at ridiculous prices.  As I rummaged through the jumbles piled everywhere, there were items that were really nice.  And than the disappointment - most items had huge gaping holes in them.  Some at the back, some in front.  How, why?

People still bought, they claimed they could hem some areas where the cuts were, wear it over a vest top, find some use for their precious find.  I shook my head, never ever was I going to buy stuff with pieces of fabric cut out of it.  Zara or not - that's just not on.  I walked out of there so fast with a few others loudly voicing their complaints and disgust.

I later found out that the reason why they cut out squares in each sample that they bring back from overseas is for customs at passport control.  Makes sense but than they shouldn't be selling these items.

P.s - I did get a whole range of scrapbooking stuff from the stationery sale for all of 30 bucks.  All new, intact, in the covers stuff.  Now that was a bargain.  I am not a scrapbooker (love the concept, don't have the time).  I used it to decorate a tablescape for a function that we hosted a few weeks back.  Will remember to upload pics next time.....

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Finding my mojo...

Where do I begin?  The last time I posted, was in December last year.  That's a whole year, *shock horror*, a whole year of neglecting this blog.  Honestly I lost my mojo, not only with regards to blogging but with many other things that interested me at some point in time.  I have been lost, functioning in corpse mode trying to find my way as I stumbled through the darkness.  I often feel as though I am walking a barren path, with nothing infront of me except this empty wilderness waiting to be explored.  Where do I begin, what path do I follow?  Or will I find my way as I trudge through this arid, lonely mess.

Its been a long, gruelling journey with often no end in sight.  There are times when the barren path provides me with much needed solace where as at other times it threatens like a foe ready for battle.  There are days when the activist in me wants to forage ahead full of ideas and inspiration and there are days when the desolation sets in and I cant see past the pain and the anguish that I feel.

I keep telling myself, it wont always be this way.  There is a lesson and there is wisdom in this pain too.  A fellow blogger Azra, has given me lots to think about.  The Almighty has a plan for us all.  Wherever I am, is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  There is a lesson in this and everyday I learn a little more.  I realise now that every single thing that happened, particularly in these past 2 years was carefully planned and orchestrated through the power and will of the Almighty.  I always knew this, we are taught very early on about the Almighty and his power over everything, but I never really understood the true meaning behind it.  I always felt I could control everything, when in actual fact there is some degree to which we have control over, like the choices we make.  The ultimate plans, lessons and tests are from the man above.

The pain no longer rests in the realisation that the love of my life chose to cheat on me after a mere 8 months of being married.  I have carried that pain, nurtured it and made it a part of me but I chose to let that pain go.  The hardest thing I have ever had to do is walk away from my marriage.  See the love of my life firmly believed that he had done nothing wrong.  He denied every single act of infidelity no matter how apparent they were.  When he began a half-hearted attempt to reconcile with me earlier this year, it could have been so easy to go back to the old life I knew.  The familiar one where the surface was all shiny and beautiful while the bottom was rotten to the very core.  There was a time when this was all that I wanted.  But the choice had to be made, the pain too raw and deep and the bonds of trust broken.  I walked away, the hardest thing I have ever done.  I realise now, that it is the best decision I could have ever made.  Yes, the barren path is still mine to walk alone but I rather walk the path alone than with a man who inconceivably denies the pain and anguish he caused these last 2 years.

That's how long its been.  The spoils of the past are still very much a part of the present.  The bizarre ridiculousness of this situation is laughable at the best of times.  At other times white hot fury courses through me and I battle to get a grip.  The question remains, silent but there - Will this never end?  The hardest is putting your trust in the Almighty.  I would argue and throw childish tantrums because things did not work out how I wanted them to.  Every single time I failed the tests that were put before me.  The hardest lesson of all was patience.  And in saying that He will make a way, I have faith and I believe in that.  When the time is right He will make a way.....

Although the pain and anguish are like battle scars that hurt at the best of times and will probably stay with me forever, the year has been much better than the past 2.  I had the fortunate opportunity to visit the Holy lands; Makkah and Madinah.  We performed Umrah in April and the experience is one that I will fondly treasure for always.  I think I left a little part of me in Madinah the most peaceful place on earth.  I constantly yearn to visit again and God willing I will soon.  My career has been tumultuous but a welcome breather to the constant pain that I felt.  My work is highly pressured and always under scrutiny.  Being in HR, one tends to always get blamed for everything that goes wrong.  In this past year I have learnt to stand up and be heard, I have developed a sense of self-confidence and an ability to calm and rationalise any situation.  I often want to scream out in frustration at my inability to this in my personal life.  I guess that's a little closer to home.  My work was one area that I did have control over and I have tried my best to succeed.  My friends and family have provided me with the best support and encouragement any person can ever ask for.  I know that I haven't been the easiest of people to live with, and every single day I am grateful for my family who love me flaws and all.  My brother got married earlier this year and what fun we had planning his wedding.  The feeling of family and togetherness in happy times, makes one appreciate the finer things in life.

They journey continues and as I continue along this barren land I long for adventure and freedom.  I long for change and new opportunities.  Ultimately I long for a new path.  Prayer has become my beacon and I cling to it as at the best and worst of times, ultimately its all I really have.  I feel the connection with the Almighty during these times and I feel at ease that He wont disappoint me.  I draw strength from this and try to carry on.  The path hasn't been easy and at the best of times it creeps up on me like an old friend.  The feelings of pain and bitterness are more acute some days than others.  I made the decision a long time ago to feel whatever emotion I am feeling at that time.  Instead of suppressing whatever emotion or feeling I am having, I feel it and than let it go.  It's the frustration of not moving forward, the hold him and his family still have over me with regards to assets and the bogus legal claims that they bombarded me with late last year.  But I have a plan and that is to pray and believe in the Almighty and hope that He will make a way out of this mess and it will be over forever.....

I am hoping that somehow I have regained my blogging mojo.  I am interested to engage in some projects (really hope I don't loose interest quickly) and make a success of them.

So here's to me blogging again.....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Things I learn't in 2010

  • That no matter how hard your heart is breaking, the world does not stop for your grief.
  • The physical ache of a broken heart and the bitter, vile taste of disappointment is so acute it almost always takes your breath away.
  • Positive thinking really does work
  • Get up, Dress up and most importantly Show up – no matter how hard it may be
  • Smile :)
  • Hope and Faith in the Almighty is like a beacon of light when you have lost your way.
  • Prayer truly is the balm for the soul
  • Family – special moments, laughter and fun times. It’s in trying times that family count the most
  • Lasting friendships that seem to grow with every milestone
  • How people treat you is their Karma, how you treat them back is yours.
  • No matter how much you think you love someone and how much you think that you will never be able to live without them – if you happen to find yourself in such a situation you can and you will.
  • That people who you love have a right to leave you and you have to allow them that right

  • Nothing lasts forever
  • Silence is the best weapon
  • It’s not nice to be not nice
  • Spending time with little people (kids) is the best therapy
  • Although the world outside looks the same, your world is changing and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except embrace the change and make it work for you
  • True character is shown in times of adversity
  • Its best to be honest, regardless of how much trouble you going to be in. Honesty is best.
  • When faced with choices, the harder of the 2 is usually the right one.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


2 years ago today, I walked down the aisle in a billowing white fairy gown, entwined with organza and satin and little swarovski crystals to finish off the detail. The day was magical and I walked down the aisle with the promise of forever etched in my mind.

The sea of pink, white and silver glittered in the lovely December sunlight. There was a sense of magic in the air. My fairtytale had come true and I truly was the princess.

However where fairytales have happy endings, prince Charming on a handsome white horse and happily ever afters my Charming turned out to be quite the monster in disguise and alas my fairytale turned out to be quite a horror movie.

I feel a little sad at times. My wedding was near perfect. One only gets one shot at things like this and I blew that one chance. But I realise now that a perfect, beautiful wedding is not enough for the happily ever after. And T and my happily after is a mere distant memory and one that I would rather leave behind.

And so in saying this -

I am OK. It truly is a miracle, because I never imagined it possible - but I am OK.

Today dawned bright and clear and just as promising as every other day. As the sun will set, all I can say is a prayer of thanks that I have survived and have been saved from a life worse than a prison sentence. I wouldn't want to celebrate this day with the man I married, cos I don't want to be married to him anymore.

I shock myself at times, when I realise this.

But it's the truth..........

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Long Overdue Update...

This blog is in serious need of revival......

I cannot believe that it's December already. 2010 is a year I well and truly will never forget. It's been a roller coaster ride, filled with tears and drama and more tears. However the silver lining for me is that I have survived. I am stronger, more persistant, have learnt a few life lessons.

I have Survived.

The last time I posted was in May this year. If I look back, it's all a hazy memory and I battle to remember all that's happened. All I know that a great deal did happen. I don't want to re-hash too much about what happened. The main thing is that I have let go and decided to walk away. That's the important bit. I don't think I will ever really forget what happened, but as the pain and hurt slowly recedes, I realise that I am going to be allright.

It's been a long and lonely road. I think I have functioned in corpse mode for the better part of this year. Every single day, I would wish and hope for some miracle and every single day those hopes were dashed. Prayer became my beacon and I clung to it, fervently praying for a miracle. All I wanted was for this mess to end, for T and I to reconcile and for us to continue living our lives as man and wife. I would sit on my prayer mat, silently praying, questioning, seeking and all the while hurting with raw pain. However I believe that the Almighty knows best and as I sought solace in prayer, the answers and the realisation came. Not to mention the strength and patience to accept the inevitable.

I realise now that T is not the man I married. I don't know who or what he has become. I cannot be with a man like that. He has cheated on me, has total disregard for me and my feelings, has shown no remorse for all that he has done and still continues to do. I count my blessings every single day that we didn't have children together, because than I would be bound to this man forever. I know that for the past year, I have blamed his family for the demise of our marriage. They are not blameless and they have had a hand in every thing that has happened. But I married T and not them. He could have stopped them, he could have prevented a lot of what had happened. Instead he chose to ignore it, sided with them and painted me out to be the villain.

As for his infidelity - it was the final straw that led me to leave in the first place. I couldn't accept this. I couldnt believe that this man out of all people could hurt me in this way and so I shut it out and pretended that it wasn't there. My mind refused to accept it. At first when I left, I was so angry with him. I couldn't imagine being near him, that's how angry I was. But slowly the anger dissipated and all I felt was hurt and pain. It's taken me a long time to accept this and acknowledge the fact that he had/has someone else and instead of his parents putting the record straight, they blamed me and accused me of all sorts of indescretions.

Walkin away from him and our marriage, is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There were times when I couldn't imagine my life without him. Honestly I don't know how I did it, but I feel this sense of freedom and a lightness in my heart that is really hard to imagine sometimes. I realise now that no human being deserves to be treated the way he treated me. I have closed that chapter in my heart and I have realised that T's part in my story is over. It hasn't been easy coming to this. Some days were harder than others. The bitter, vile taste of constant disappointment is something I will never forget. However as days melted into weeks and months, the realisation that I am going to be OK is truimphant enough.

This hasn't been an easy road and we are now fighting a bitter war of assets and money. He has no claims and yet he persists with his ludicrous demands. I have appointed a lawyer to act on my behalf and I'm hoping that all will be resolved soon.

I cannot believe how the time has passed and as the saying goes, Time waits for no man. I don't know where the last few months have gone to. As I made my decision to walk away, a thought that was too hard to imagine before, work became my solace. My staff member was promoted to another position and I had to hold the fort on my own until I found a replacement. This forced me to sit up and take charge. However it's been the best thing that could have happened to me cos it allowed me to prove to myself that I am worthy of something and I can make things happen.

The year has been a nightmare. It's been filled with sadness and pain. However I also believe that I have grown and learn't a few bitter lessons in all off this. Im glad for this, cos whatever the situation one finds oneself, one has to learn from it. I realised last weekend, that I am actually happy and I really need to give thanks. I have my wonderful, incredible family who have been absolute rock stars in supporting me. I have amazing friends who have supported me through this terrible ordeal. I have a job that sustains me and I have my Faith which has grounded me and made me whole again.

I am glad that I have survived and that is the most exhilirating feeling of all.....

In other news - I have made a friend. Im not sure where this Friendship is going to. It's still early days and I must admit it's all very exciting but scary too. There is an element of nervousness and fear and excitement but hey time will tell. If anything's meant to come out of it than it will and if not than fine. Right now it's all about enjoying the moment and making it count.......

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Hello World...

I'm still around..........

Just haven't had the energy to write... My life is still a mish mash of sorts and making sense of it all can be quite daunting at times......

But I will be back........ Soon..... I Hope!