Acceptance

I am in such a ugly place right now and all I want is for the storm to pass and for the sun to come out again. I feel battered and bruised and confused. Acceptance is hard and although I have to accept what has happened I find myself replaying conversations and situations over and over in my head. Honestly there are are so many factors that contributed to this situation but the hardest one to bear is the fact that T might have cheated on me. I don't have any concrete proof and the girl in question denied everything infront of him and his parents, however the niggling feelings still persist and the fact that my family see things rather differently don't seem to make things any easier. They are hurting with me, however while they feel only anger I am a whole mixed bag of emotions.



I unpacked my bags last night and looking at all the lingerie and pj's and clothes, just made me think of all that's happened good and bad. It reminded me of happy times and suddenly I wanted it all back. I go to bed and night and those times are the hardest. These past few weeks him holding me close at night was the only constant in my life and I miss him the most when I go to sleep. I knew that he was there even though emotionally who knows where he was. I miss him. Is is wrong for me to miss him, to wonder about him. I feel sad that it looks like he is pretty happy where he is. Since he hasn't called what must I think. Doesn't he think of me, doesn't he wonder what am I doing? Doesn't he care. He is still living in our home, doesn't anything remind him of me?



I know that I have to make peace with what's happened. I can't keep on dwelling on the past and most of all I can't keep on fixating my mind on what he said and did. It's just too hard. I know that I still love him even though he has hurt me in the most vile way possible. Also going back is not going to be easy. How do I trust him to not hurt me again in any way. Than there is is family that will never go away and a lot of the issues between us is to do with them. I just feel so let down that T had 9 months of an engagement period to decide if this was what he really wanted. He was the model fiance and although we had ups and downs nothing was as huge as this. I don't know this person anymore and I am not even sure I like him. I must admit that T is pretty immature and has no back-bone to do anything for himself. That I only picked up on after we were married. I know that after one gets married things change but not to this magnitude. It also hurts that while I was there, as his wife he chose his friend and family over me. So while I still portrayed the perfect wife making sure all his needs are met, he was striking up a friendship with his old friend. Where was I lacking and what did I do wrong for him to turn to someone else. I thought T and I were best friends. We always gelled and got along so why the sudden change. Also T used to always stress that he would never hurt me cos I am there for him as a wife and he loves me too much. So why than did he go and hurt me in such a horrible way.



I have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Almighty. It's hard cos I am a human being and if there is one thing that I do lack is patience. I guess this is a test from Him above and it will only make me a stronger person eventually but the end question still lies with me. What do I want? Honestly I don't know. There is so much to consider. His family that saw fit to make this all about themselves and who were the catalyst to our problems and than there is T who I don't know if I can trust anymore. I wish I knew what he wanted. If he wants out than fine, and if he wants to be with me than I will decide whether I want to take that risk.

I don't feel too bad today, but I know that these feelings will be shortlived. I don't feel positive, I am merely just existing and I find it so hard to carry on. I hope and pray that all works out for the best in the end. Finding acceptance is really hard. Acceptance that all this happened, acceptance that T doesn't want to be with me, Acceptance that it's finally over since he hasn't called or bothered with me since last week. If only accepting all these things were easy. I have resorted to prayer and I do feel stronger but it's the acceptance that's the hardest part.

Over....

T and I are officially seperated. Honestly I am not in a happy place right now and I find myself crumbling and battling tears at a moments notice. I feel sad, miserable and terribly unhappy. But most of all I feel that I have really screwed up my life and I feel very disappointed in T. I've been better and have just had a weekend from hell. Although I am glad that I am at home and I don't have to contend with him ingoring me or the in-laws watching my every move, it hurts. I have been alone for a while now, with regards to him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't called. I left on Friday evening and I haven't heard anything from him. Do I want to? Yes, No, Maybe. What do I want? I don't know!

Is he happy that he is finally rid off me? Is he happy that now he can do as he pleases without me there to cramp his style or nag at him? The fact that he hasn't called, makes me think this way. His dad came to my mum's place yesterday and he said that T is still saying lots of stuff about me. So he still blames me when he started all this in the first place. I felt like texting him yesterday to say Congrats. All your hard work this past few months has finally paid off and you are now finally rid of me. Well done. It's just such a pity that you had to lie and bad mouth me to get what you want. I didn't send it. Had it all typed out but didn't send it. What would be the point? He is still on that high horse, not bothered about me, not cared. Honestly he is probably thinking that I got what I wanted. Which I didn't. Circumstances that have happened in all these months have led me to leave. Circumstances which he created. There are notions or rather shadows that imply that there is or was someone else. A close friend of his, who I befriended as well. Not sure what is up there. However I find it eating at me thinking the most bizarre thoughts. I am his wife for crying out loud. This friend denies having anything to do with him, but while he was being nasty and mean to me he was spending quite a bit of time with her. So what gives? I told her a mouthful regarding being friends with a married man, but it doesn't change the fact that T was also calling her, chatting to her, visiting her. So how do I trust him.



I feel as though my life is in limbo. What happens next. The dad thinks that this is just a separation until the baby comes. Or it's just a seperation until we cool our heads. However if T doesn't call, doesn't make amends how can I go back after 3 months. A lot can happen in 3 months time and a lot has happened that needs to be dealt with. How do I trust this man again? I don't even know if I can forgive him. To be quite honest it looks like he doesn't want me. So what would be the point. I feel that I am going to be waiting, waiting in vain. While my life comes to a standstill, he will carry on with all his antics. Why can't he be honest and say exactly what he wants. If I hear it from his mouth, maybe it will be better. Instead of wondering I would know the truth. I'm not sure how I would react but at least it would be better than not knowing what he really wants.

I feel sad and the pain just doesn't want to go away. There are moments when I feel so strong and know that I can get through this and than there a moments when I'm a blubbering miserable wreck. The thoughts that go through my mind are quite bizarre but I am not sure what to think anymore. In a way it's better that he hasn't called, what would be the point. If he did I would just end up getting soft and forgiving him and he doesnt deserve that. I know he doesn't deserve that. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would come to this. In some way I still believed that things would come right. Every single day I would go home and have some glimmer of hope only for them to be dashed by the time I went to bed at night. The only time I knew that I had a husband was when I went to bed at night. Only than did he want to hold me and sleep in my space and blah blah blah.

However all this really hurts and at times I feel the pain stifling me. Waves of sadness envelope me and I am too scared to cry infront of my mum and them. Although at times I can't help myself. My mum is such a strong, bold individual and I know that she doesn't really stand for weakness. I know she is there and she is worried about me, but I still feel so alone. This isn't just a relationship where it was just me and him and it has now ended. This is a marriage. When I got married I altered my life, became the wife and homemaker. Now suddenly I find myself back in my old room at home with no purpose or direction in life. I feel stuck and with no concrete plans, I find myself wanting to do all sorts of things. I want to take the cowards way out and run away. Wish myself away from all of this. But how? I will just be running away from my problems and its not going to make any of this any easier. Why is this happening? What happens next and when will the pain go away?

I feel so let down that he promised me that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me cos I give him whatever he wants and yet he broke that promise and hurt me in the most vile way ever. I find myself feeling angry towards him but than there are times where I feel quite generous and miss him.

I know that I have to decide what I want. After all that's been said and done, do I still want to be with T. Although if he has made up his mind, there is nothing for me to decide. It will be a decision that I will have to live with.


I feel so lost and confused and emotional.

Why Me I keep asking. Why T and I? We were happy and although we had our moments, we always managed to weather the storms.

T. I. R. E. D.

So where to from here? T and I have become perfect strangers. We share nothing except a home, a bed, dinner and breathing space when we are together. I find it so hard to keep quite, but it's for the best. To him I am just a convenience. What has changed in our life since we first realised that there is a problem here. Nothing! If I keep quite and pretend to be Mary freaking Poppins, all is fine and life carries on in this abnormal way. If I dare to ask questions, to want to know why - ugly words mean't to hurt get hurled at me. Who are I to this man? Where is the man that I fell in love with? What happened to the man who made my world. I feel only pain, resentment but most of all I feel disappointment.

I have decided what I want. I don't want to live like this anymore. For me this is not a life, it's not a marriage. We literally are not allowed to do anything. We go nowhere, do nothing and basically are confined to these walls as if in a prison. Before I got married, I was still regarding as a child in my mother's eyes. I had to answer to her regardless that I was a grown adult, earning my own keep. She was still responsible for me. I got married ready to embark on my own life, to make my own decisions and my own rules. Instead I married a child, who will only listen to his family and won't venture to make decisions on his own. In all these months that we have been married, what have we done together as a couple. We live like old people who have already lived their life.

I don't want to live like 2 strangers. There is more to a marriage than holding each other in bed every night and there is definitely more to marriage than sex. An average day pans out like this since all these dramas have unfolded: I get up at 5:30 every morning, he is still in bed. I get done ready to go to work. Before I leave, I plan what we going to have dinner, tidy up cos the in laws are always walking through my home during the day. I kiss him goodbye as he is waking up and leave for work at about 6:45. I get to work, put in a full day with not a word from him. If I do happen to call him, he snaps that he is too busy to talk to me and we put the phone down. I come home from work get stuck in the kitchen and make dinner. He is home before me and I usually find him lying on the couch when I get home. We kiss each other hello and I get stuck in the kitchen ready to make dinner. We usually eat at around 6 or 6:30 depending what time I come home. He will ask me how was my day and I will ask him the same which is usually a grunt of ok. We eat in silence or maybe talk about inane stuff like the weather. As soon as he is done eating, he dumps his plate in the sink and slinks off next door. I am also expected to go next door, so after I am done doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen I make my dutiful appearance and come back. I usually than prepare for the next day and with nothing else to do read a book or magazine. Whenever he decides to come back from there, he watches tv and than we go to bed where he expects me to have sex with him. And so that's the days of our lives.

Well I'm tired of it. It wasn't like this. We used to talk during the day, we used to cuddle and chat like normal couples, we used to go out and have fun. What happened? His sister and her baby happened and all what we had has suddenly gone out the window. I keep wanting to tell him that sex is not an event. It is a sequence!!! I am tired to hearing that I ill treat his family when I have done nothing to them. I am tired of living like a fucking old woman with no life. I am just tired of all this crap. He carry's on like he has done nothing wrong. Everyone blames me. Well I am tired of it. I have told him that if wants to carry on living like this than I want out. Instead of making a life for myself with my husband, I got a prison sentence where my every move is watched and commented on. What sickens me is that his mother and sister will talk to me and pretend that all is so normal. When behind my back they snicker and have lots to say to him. He in turn believes them and prefers to listen to them. I have always done something wrong.

I'm sorry but I do think that I deserve more. If T can't do anything for me than why should I care. He very candidly told me that they are his blood. So what am I to him?

I am just TIRED......

Why????

I feel a little better today. I'm having a busy day so being busy helps but I still feel sad and miserable. At least at work I am distracted, but the weekends are the hardest. I went home yesterday and he pretended like all was A Ok. He wanted to be all sweet and loving and it just irritates me that you can hurt me so and the minute I threaten to leave or get angry than he decides to be a little better. We ate in silence, he than disappeared next door and I busied myself by tidying up and than decided to watch a little telly.


I am not being nasty, but I am being distant and am not talking to him. What's the point. Whatever I say gets repeated, twisted, analysed and than thrown back in my face like a dirty rag. So keeping quite is my weapon. It is so hard, oh God, I am such a vocal person and can never shut up but I know I have to. He wants to hold me at night, make love to me and I keep telling him that I am not ready to get physical. I need answers and without those I am not sure where I stand.


There is a 3rd force in our marriage that is causing a rift and causing us to drift apart. I know who it is, however there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He loves his sister so much that anything I say will come second and again I will be portrayed as the baddie. T finds himself smack bang in the middle where his mum and sister and I are concerned. They feed him with such crap about me. I might sound so delusional, however every time we argue he must accuse me of doing this to his mother or sister. I didn't go next door to greet them, I didn't want to eat with them, I didn't do this or that. On Saturday last week, while he was in Durban I went back to fetch more clothes cos after the stunt that he pulled I wasn't planning on going back. They asked me what I was doing for the day and I mentioned that I had a hair appointment at 10:30. When I called T after coming back from there at about 9:30, he already knew that I was going to the hairdresser. T actually went as far to accuse me of not bothering about his mother for 3 days that I was away. My question, how would he know - he didn't speak to me for the entire time he was in Durban. Obviously they told him that I didn't come there etc etc etc. They are to be treated like queens. Well shit with them. They might be his boss but I don't need to bow down to them. Yes I will respect them but that's it.


I am so tired and I really do hate his family. I am not like this and hate is such a strong word but I absolutely despise them. On my face, they will smile with me and pretend that they are so happy but behind my back they are hurling daggers. I can't handle them anymore and have stopped going there in the evenings. I say hello and thats it. I can't stand them and the more I think about it, the more angry I become. My life is that of a soap opera and I am tired of the day to day antics that go with it. I feel really scared about this but I want out. I don't want to live this way and if this is there idea of life than sorry. I honestly thought T was different. But I guess I was wrong.

I feel really sad though. He knows that I am upset, he knows that I was sad when I left this morning. He knows that things are not fine between us but he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to make things right. He cannot even call me. He knows everything but he can't be bothered. He does absolutely nothing to right the wrongs in our marriage. How much more must I try and win him over.

Why do things have to be so screwed up? We were so happy. What went wrong?

I have only one question WHY?

Questions with no answers

I feel emotionally drained. I am at work but I'm not here. I can't concentrate and i'm battling to stay focused. I seem to be functioning in a catatonic daze and feel immobilized. I feel as though I need to do something. Anything to get a reaction. Anything to get an answer. It's over 3 months since this mad drama started and the more I think I should try to make things right they more awry they go.

I lost it again today. I tried to ask him again for the umpteenth time what happens next and again I don't get an answer. Am I being to hasty, am I expecting too much? Do I need to try harder to communicate? Am I being unreasonable and is he trying but I am too blinded to see it. What happens next. Is wanting out the only option? He refuses to go for marriage counselling. He doesn't acknowledge me when I ask him to change. I refuse to live the life we've been living for the past 3 months. Why can't he admit what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere or this wouldn't keep creeping up on us but what is the million dollar question.

He says that he is upset about me not wanting a baby, upset that I refused to cook on a Sunday for his lazy mother, upset that I said his sister is forward for minding our business. All this happened months ago. So if he is still upset and refuses to move past it than how do we move forward cos all of this is hampering us. I also feel that a lot of this has got to do with his mother and sister. They seem to tell him stuff about me which in turn makes him to resent me. Suddenly I didn't only marry T. My understanding is that T is my husband and I have a responsibility towards him. Now suddenly I have this obligation to them. I didn't go to their house and greet them, I didn't want to go eat there, I didn't do this or I didn't do that. However the things that I do for them, nobody mentions them.

So will I get an answer. Will I get told what the issue is. I am thinking the best and only option for me is to walk away. To leave and not look back. Yes I will be bad, yes they will probably blame me but what about my sanity and my peace of mind. I can't handle the uncertainty and the not knowing. T does not call me during the day at all. It's been months since he last called me to even just ask me how I am. I feel that I am just a convenience to him. Someone there to make sure his needs are met. For 6 days last week he was away and he seemed pretty fine with being away from me. In the evenings if he wants to chat we will chat and most of the time its banal trash. If he wants to sit with the PSP until his eyes cave in he does it and doesn't talk a word. If he feels like spending all his time next door with his family he does it while I am here alone twiddling my thumbs.

The way I see it he still wants to be that little boy who gets told what to do. He can't seem to stand on his own two feet let alone bother or care about his wife. It seems he wants to be this carefree youngster who has no worries, would rather have his friends around and have his wife for the convenience of his needs. I am really beginning to wonder whether he is capable of being a father.

I know that I have tried, but have I tried hard enough and even if I walk away will I always wonder what if? The thought of being alone again scares me but I know I can't stay for that reason only. I get mere crumbs from him when he is selfish enough to want the whole loaf. I feel torn, emotionally incapacitated and desolate. Why can't I find clarity?

I have so many questions with so little answers.

Crossroads

I find myself standing at a crossroads not sure what path to take. I wish I can have a Sliding Doors movie moment where I can see where which path will lead me where. But life is not as simple as a movie or a book and I understand that whichever path I take, there will be rocky patches that I will have to endure.



3 Weeks ago, we had a long drawn out discussion regarding the dramas that have unfolded in T and my life. We spoke and discussed things at length and we agreed to try again. Things got a bit better thereafter and although they weren't great, it was a start. I realised that Rome wasn't built in a day and I would have to work on this to make it work. Although there were days when I still felt despondent there were also days that made me believe again. I tried to be upbeat, to not let the past few weeks distress me. I focused on becoming friends again and didnt let the little things get me down. However this week that passed has really put me in a position to really question the future of my marriage. How do I carry on? The policy around here is either fit in or fuck off. How do I make it when it is just so hard. How do I plan for the future when the future seems pretty bleak.



So I find myself at this crossroads. I know that I don't want to live this way anymore and T is not bothered to make any changes or meet me halfway. He does absolutely nothing for me and when he feels like it will be loving and sweet. Otherwise the rest of the time he is moody, withdrawn and ignores me. I don't want to live this way anymore and it doesn't look like he wants to change. If only he would be honest and tell me what he wants. There is obviously something wrong somewhere and without knowing the cause of it, we will never solve the problem. I don't know what to do or where to from here. I am scared and feel very alone at times. Why did this have to happen?

Looking Forward

My world has suddenly become very drab after all the colourful drama of the past few weeks. Drab isn't bad, not after the tears and miserableness that added to vast array of colours. However I still find myself feeling as though I am stuck in an emotional rut. My life has suddenly become devoid of any colour and a blank grey has settled in. I find myself itching to do something, anything - anything that will make me feel that the world is truly a wonderful place.

So much has happened and although I thought that my marriage had been given that final nail to the coffin to seal its demise, 2 weeks on and I am still married and trying very hard to make it work. T is no longer the stranger that I was forced to live with, he is more engaging and although irritable and moody at the best of times - I think he is also trying. It's just hard to see but the subtle shift is there. We communicate albeit only a little but things are much better than what they were. Look they not great, but better is good right?

I prefer not to delve too much into what happend and why. Although I usually love to overanalyse stuff, I have learnt that sometimes somethings are just not worth it. It's been a real growing up experience for me and there are times when I still fall by the wayside. I still feel pretty scared at times, cos it all happened so suddenly whose to say that it wont happen again. I also feel very disapointed and disillusioned but I will keep trying. I was prepared to leave, to walk out and never look back but than I changed my mind and decided to give this one more try. Honestly it's been hard and there are days when I feel pretty crappy cos this is not the life that I planned for myself but I am trying and still if things don't work out than at least I know that I have tried.

I keep feeling that with T being the youngest and only son, his family will never leave us to be. They will always want to be part of our lives and be there wanting to know every nitty gritty detail of our lives. It irritates me cos when T and I were dating it was pretty clear that they weren't a close family and his own mother couldn't bother about him. I always felt that I was lucky that I wouldn't have to contend with a mama's boy. Suddenly now his mother can't do enough for him. Why because someone else wants to do for her son so that's why she also has too. It annoys me that we can't live our life without them being there interfering. It's funny how when I just got married I thought that they were not as bad. But they are and it really kind of gets to me sometimes.

I love coming to work cos than at least I am away from there, but the weekends tend to be rather hard for me. T and I have always been fine but it's other forces that always turn things upside down. This is a family that lacks spontaneity, joviality and cheeriness. They tend to make conversation with each other by lowballing others. I was always grateful that I had my own home, thinking that I didn't have to see them if I didn't want to. However that was one of the major issues and so now I make a point of going to say hello. I keep praying and hoping against hoping that our marriage will just get stronger. It's been a rough couple of weeks and although there are times when it all seems in vain, I really want to make it work. If only it were easier said than done. If only my life didn't seem so pointless and devoid of any colour at the moment. If only they all would just disappear?