Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Finding my mojo...

Where do I begin?  The last time I posted, was in December last year.  That's a whole year, *shock horror*, a whole year of neglecting this blog.  Honestly I lost my mojo, not only with regards to blogging but with many other things that interested me at some point in time.  I have been lost, functioning in corpse mode trying to find my way as I stumbled through the darkness.  I often feel as though I am walking a barren path, with nothing infront of me except this empty wilderness waiting to be explored.  Where do I begin, what path do I follow?  Or will I find my way as I trudge through this arid, lonely mess.

Its been a long, gruelling journey with often no end in sight.  There are times when the barren path provides me with much needed solace where as at other times it threatens like a foe ready for battle.  There are days when the activist in me wants to forage ahead full of ideas and inspiration and there are days when the desolation sets in and I cant see past the pain and the anguish that I feel.

I keep telling myself, it wont always be this way.  There is a lesson and there is wisdom in this pain too.  A fellow blogger Azra, has given me lots to think about.  The Almighty has a plan for us all.  Wherever I am, is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  There is a lesson in this and everyday I learn a little more.  I realise now that every single thing that happened, particularly in these past 2 years was carefully planned and orchestrated through the power and will of the Almighty.  I always knew this, we are taught very early on about the Almighty and his power over everything, but I never really understood the true meaning behind it.  I always felt I could control everything, when in actual fact there is some degree to which we have control over, like the choices we make.  The ultimate plans, lessons and tests are from the man above.

The pain no longer rests in the realisation that the love of my life chose to cheat on me after a mere 8 months of being married.  I have carried that pain, nurtured it and made it a part of me but I chose to let that pain go.  The hardest thing I have ever had to do is walk away from my marriage.  See the love of my life firmly believed that he had done nothing wrong.  He denied every single act of infidelity no matter how apparent they were.  When he began a half-hearted attempt to reconcile with me earlier this year, it could have been so easy to go back to the old life I knew.  The familiar one where the surface was all shiny and beautiful while the bottom was rotten to the very core.  There was a time when this was all that I wanted.  But the choice had to be made, the pain too raw and deep and the bonds of trust broken.  I walked away, the hardest thing I have ever done.  I realise now, that it is the best decision I could have ever made.  Yes, the barren path is still mine to walk alone but I rather walk the path alone than with a man who inconceivably denies the pain and anguish he caused these last 2 years.

That's how long its been.  The spoils of the past are still very much a part of the present.  The bizarre ridiculousness of this situation is laughable at the best of times.  At other times white hot fury courses through me and I battle to get a grip.  The question remains, silent but there - Will this never end?  The hardest is putting your trust in the Almighty.  I would argue and throw childish tantrums because things did not work out how I wanted them to.  Every single time I failed the tests that were put before me.  The hardest lesson of all was patience.  And in saying that He will make a way, I have faith and I believe in that.  When the time is right He will make a way.....

Although the pain and anguish are like battle scars that hurt at the best of times and will probably stay with me forever, the year has been much better than the past 2.  I had the fortunate opportunity to visit the Holy lands; Makkah and Madinah.  We performed Umrah in April and the experience is one that I will fondly treasure for always.  I think I left a little part of me in Madinah the most peaceful place on earth.  I constantly yearn to visit again and God willing I will soon.  My career has been tumultuous but a welcome breather to the constant pain that I felt.  My work is highly pressured and always under scrutiny.  Being in HR, one tends to always get blamed for everything that goes wrong.  In this past year I have learnt to stand up and be heard, I have developed a sense of self-confidence and an ability to calm and rationalise any situation.  I often want to scream out in frustration at my inability to this in my personal life.  I guess that's a little closer to home.  My work was one area that I did have control over and I have tried my best to succeed.  My friends and family have provided me with the best support and encouragement any person can ever ask for.  I know that I haven't been the easiest of people to live with, and every single day I am grateful for my family who love me flaws and all.  My brother got married earlier this year and what fun we had planning his wedding.  The feeling of family and togetherness in happy times, makes one appreciate the finer things in life.

They journey continues and as I continue along this barren land I long for adventure and freedom.  I long for change and new opportunities.  Ultimately I long for a new path.  Prayer has become my beacon and I cling to it as at the best and worst of times, ultimately its all I really have.  I feel the connection with the Almighty during these times and I feel at ease that He wont disappoint me.  I draw strength from this and try to carry on.  The path hasn't been easy and at the best of times it creeps up on me like an old friend.  The feelings of pain and bitterness are more acute some days than others.  I made the decision a long time ago to feel whatever emotion I am feeling at that time.  Instead of suppressing whatever emotion or feeling I am having, I feel it and than let it go.  It's the frustration of not moving forward, the hold him and his family still have over me with regards to assets and the bogus legal claims that they bombarded me with late last year.  But I have a plan and that is to pray and believe in the Almighty and hope that He will make a way out of this mess and it will be over forever.....

I am hoping that somehow I have regained my blogging mojo.  I am interested to engage in some projects (really hope I don't loose interest quickly) and make a success of them.

So here's to me blogging again.....

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh wow, welcome back!!! have wondered how you were doing so many times.

-Chantal

Zeeny said...

Hey Anon.... thanks :)

Hope you been good.

Azra said...

Welcome back! I can only imagine how difficult this past year has been for you - but I can see the change and progress you've made even if you can't see it yourself. Prayer is all we have... The Almighty is all we really have at the end of the day. And you have (and continue to) learn your lessons... we never stop learning, believe me. Some days are better than others but I can guarantee you that one day, you will emerge from this better than you've ever been in your entire life - and you'll see things with such clarity that you'll wonder why did you have to go through all that just to get to that point. And InshaAllah, that day will come sooner than you expect, Ameen :) Sterkte!

Princess said...

Welcome Back, we missed you. Here's to better days and many days of sunshine!!

InshaAllah, everything will work out as the Almighty plans, Aameen.

Zeeny said...

Azra thank you, thank you and thank you... You always say the right things. Thanks for being an inspiration always.

Zeeny said...

Princess - Thank you.