Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Today has been good. Not great but good. I've been really busy and work has become that solace that it's been since all this crap started. I am also seriously looking at buying a car. I know I am being pretty impulsive but why not. All this time, I've been using one of T's cars and I didn't take his car with me when I left.

I feel kinda numb and I know that the crappiness can surface at any time. I still feel sad when I think of all that's been said and done. The fact that I haven't heard from him makes it worse. Honestly I'm not sure if I want to even talk to him. I mean what is there to say. I want answers and knowing T, he wont be able to provide me with those answers. He couldn't in all these months so what's changed now. I wonder about him, what's he doing, where's he now, is he missing me. All questions that somehow leave a hollow feeling.

His dad called this morning and wanted to talk to me. He sounded so sincere and concerned about me. It's sad that his dad can call and ask how I am but T couldn't be bothered. That's the crux of this whole thing. I am not married to his dad and if I go back I wont live with his dad. T needs to say what the fuck he wants so that everyone can be on the same page. There are just so many issues that have created this mess that I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Do I really need in-law issues on top of husband issues. I always knew my in laws were weird. However I never took them to heart and their antics never bothered me cos T was always fine with me and between us there were no issues. But I cant still have to contend with both issues when the reason why I am there is because of him and he couldn't give a shit about me.

I find myself in between of being busy thinking of him. My mind will wander and I will think about where he is and what's he doing. Also his dad is gone to Durban, so where is he and who's he with. My thoughts end up running away with me quite often and although I try not to think too much I am human. I know that I am better off where I am, cos he can't hurt me anymore. But I am still married to the man and honestly I do miss him. Is that normal?

Finality and clarity is what I want. But what do I want out of this whole thing - that's another million dollar question.

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