I am in such a ugly place right now and all I want is for the storm to pass and for the sun to come out again. I feel battered and bruised and confused. Acceptance is hard and although I have to accept what has happened I find myself replaying conversations and situations over and over in my head. Honestly there are are so many factors that contributed to this situation but the hardest one to bear is the fact that T might have cheated on me. I don't have any concrete proof and the girl in question denied everything infront of him and his parents, however the niggling feelings still persist and the fact that my family see things rather differently don't seem to make things any easier. They are hurting with me, however while they feel only anger I am a whole mixed bag of emotions.
I unpacked my bags last night and looking at all the lingerie and pj's and clothes, just made me think of all that's happened good and bad. It reminded me of happy times and suddenly I wanted it all back. I go to bed and night and those times are the hardest. These past few weeks him holding me close at night was the only constant in my life and I miss him the most when I go to sleep. I knew that he was there even though emotionally who knows where he was. I miss him. Is is wrong for me to miss him, to wonder about him. I feel sad that it looks like he is pretty happy where he is. Since he hasn't called what must I think. Doesn't he think of me, doesn't he wonder what am I doing? Doesn't he care. He is still living in our home, doesn't anything remind him of me?
I know that I have to make peace with what's happened. I can't keep on dwelling on the past and most of all I can't keep on fixating my mind on what he said and did. It's just too hard. I know that I still love him even though he has hurt me in the most vile way possible. Also going back is not going to be easy. How do I trust him to not hurt me again in any way. Than there is is family that will never go away and a lot of the issues between us is to do with them. I just feel so let down that T had 9 months of an engagement period to decide if this was what he really wanted. He was the model fiance and although we had ups and downs nothing was as huge as this. I don't know this person anymore and I am not even sure I like him. I must admit that T is pretty immature and has no back-bone to do anything for himself. That I only picked up on after we were married. I know that after one gets married things change but not to this magnitude. It also hurts that while I was there, as his wife he chose his friend and family over me. So while I still portrayed the perfect wife making sure all his needs are met, he was striking up a friendship with his old friend. Where was I lacking and what did I do wrong for him to turn to someone else. I thought T and I were best friends. We always gelled and got along so why the sudden change. Also T used to always stress that he would never hurt me cos I am there for him as a wife and he loves me too much. So why than did he go and hurt me in such a horrible way.
I have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Almighty. It's hard cos I am a human being and if there is one thing that I do lack is patience. I guess this is a test from Him above and it will only make me a stronger person eventually but the end question still lies with me. What do I want? Honestly I don't know. There is so much to consider. His family that saw fit to make this all about themselves and who were the catalyst to our problems and than there is T who I don't know if I can trust anymore. I wish I knew what he wanted. If he wants out than fine, and if he wants to be with me than I will decide whether I want to take that risk.
I don't feel too bad today, but I know that these feelings will be shortlived. I don't feel positive, I am merely just existing and I find it so hard to carry on. I hope and pray that all works out for the best in the end. Finding acceptance is really hard. Acceptance that all this happened, acceptance that T doesn't want to be with me, Acceptance that it's finally over since he hasn't called or bothered with me since last week. If only accepting all these things were easy. I have resorted to prayer and I do feel stronger but it's the acceptance that's the hardest part.