Beginning of the end

I think that I finally have to make peace with the fact that my relationship is over. For the past few weeks, all I have been doing is practically begging my bf to make right what he did wrong. First he agreed, than he said he will decide and now he is just plain refusing. I am upset, disappointed and livid. I feel that he has lied to me about this and that he just said he would fix his mess to get me to talk to him. I am such a fool and it makes me feel very angry.

I called him today and asked him again and again he gave me some half hearted answer that he will decide. I lost it, i told him to forget it, to forget about me and just forget everything. I am so tired of this charade. I feel like though i am just waiting for nothing. The fight with my mother, carried on. Infact i am dreading going home. I wish I had the guts to not go home today, to maybe book into a hotel and not go home. I just feel so isolated and so stuck.

So yeah, i think this is the end of road for me and him. I cant believe that 5 years later and it had to come to this. I really cant. I am so sad. I really do love him, but I cant stay with someone who treats me this way. He only thinks about himself and in this whole mess, its just about him and nobody else. I feel so not bothered now, but its going to hit me. The one consolation is that at least I wont wait for him to visit me. He hasnt visited me in a about 3 weeks now. Before I used to wait for the car to come but now i dont, cos I know that he is not coming. The nights are the worst, they are absolute torture, cos I am so used to him being there. I just wish I were strong enough, strong enough with enough willpower to move on. I really dont know what the hell is going on, I feel like the world is conspiring against me.

I know this feeling only too well, its a sucky feeling gosh. I just feel so alone. I cant understand where everything went wrong, i really cant. All I know that he has turned into someone who I dont know. Infact his behavious is downright scary if you ask me.