Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nostalgia, Insecurities, Hugs N Kisses and Missing T

I don't really like goodbyes. Yes there is always that excitement of when the person comes back but still, Goodbyes are sad, Period. T flew out last night and as we left to come home, I was missing him already. As we stood around waiting, for the plane to board, the feeling of nostalgia and de javu overwhelmed me. It was only 6 months ago that we stood around the same place feeling totally miserable and out of place. T and I were so broken up and were barely talking to each other. Coming home that day felt like returning home from the war and having lost. It was an awful feeling and not one that I would like to go through again.

But yesterday was different and although I was sad that he was going away for a long time, my heart felt lighter and I felt secure in the sense that T really loves me and we are in a place where there is this sense of respect and love and caring. On Sunday night we chatted for a really long time and he again mentioned us getting married next year. He has been talking about it for a while now. I think a part of him is worried that I might get cold feet again like last year. He told me that he is giving me these 6 weeks to decide. I assured him that there is nothing to decide. I've decided already. I must admit that although the thought scares me, I am not as daunted by the idea of it anymore. I just feel scared - scared in the sense of what if it doesnt work.

There are times when I still doubt stuff and I still feel a little insecure. I am not sure where all these insecurities stem from, but a lot has to do with the screwed up relationship that I have with my father. But I think I will leave the dramatics of that for another day. I could feel those familiar pangs of insecurity as he called his friend to say goodbye as we were all standing around waiting for them to board. It was an innocent conversation that was loud enough for me to hear. If I think back to before, if something like that had to happen, I would perform and throw a tantrum and hurl accusations. I tried to not let it get to me, cos in actual fact it was nothing. Just a phone call to say good bye to one of his friends. Although there has never been reason for me to doubt this friendship with her, in the past I constantly had this feeling that every female within a few metres of T wanted to have something with him. However I think that the past year has left me thinking and also made me realise that one of the reasons that T and my relationship floundered was the fact that I would get horribly jealous and insecure and perform and throw tantrums. Pretty childish if you ask me and the past year has made me realise that I have to trust him otherwise there really is no point in us being together. And besides as he keeps pointing out that this is just his friend, he has introduced me to her and he keeps assuring me that I have nothing to worry about. Deep down I know that I have nothing to worry about, but sometimes I just get a little panicked and feel a little insecure. I do tend to overanalsye stuff, which makes me tend to panic and worry about little trivialties that dont make sense. I think in the end its all about keeping perspective and not letting things get to me.

Yesterday as we hugged each other goodbye - I could feel the tears sting and all I wanted to do was hold on for a few minutes longer. But the time had come for them to depart and as he left to walk into customs I could feel myself missing him already. He sms'd me from the plane before they took off which made me feel somewhat better......

43 Days to go and Counting.....

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