Meltdown

I love this time of the year. It's the end of the year, there is a festive air about and its time for the holidays; where one can let one's hair down and spend time by the pool or the beach. I go on leave in about a months time and I really cant wait. The only part that I dont like about Summer is the allergies that plague me. It never used to be so bad, but lately I wake up in the morning with a blocked nose and an itchy throat and not to mention they spluttering eyes that make one feel a tad awful. I never used to suffer this badly from hayfever.

I am still trying to sort out the mess of our office function. I think I just have to understand that I cant please everyone and there will be people who will complain. I cant get how some people will always go out of their way to be difficult. I mean in the holiday spirit and the mere fact that we have seen a whole year pass in this really stressful department is reason enough for me to celebrate. Anyway - I guess there will always be people who will be dissatisfied....

Yesterday I really ended up having an awful day. I think reading up on past journal entries really threw me. I have always had a journal and over the years my urge to write in it has waxed and waned. However when T and I started hitting some rocky patches, I somehow found solace in writing my thoughts, feelings and fears down. It somehow made me feel like I could make sense of my thoughts by writing. However when I read it yesterday, it kind of made me a little sad. Although I feel that I am more grown up and I kind of like the person that I have become, the experiences of the past year, have been what horror movies are made of. (ok, maybe thats a little extreme). But even though it made me into a more stronger person, I really wouldnt want to experience that again. So naturally reading all the million and one posts, made me feel really sad and oh so emotional. I ended up taking this all out on T. When T and I decided to try again and start over, I was pretty vocal about my feelings and fears and the tears and pain that was caused. I know that he was probably hurting as well (heard this through the grapevine), but he hasnt been as vocal and I think I just felt that I was really hurting and maybe he wasnt. I have forgiven him and have moved past the hurt and the anger that was surrounding me at the time but reading all the posts made me feel that hurt all over again.

T and I didnt start over in the sense where we just picked up where we left of. We started again from scratch. We resolved issues that plagued us both and discussed the break up and what caused it. I am happy that we did that. I must admit that there are times when things will still get to me - I am human after all, but im working on it. I know that even though it was hard at first and there was a great amount of pain and confusion I know that I can live without him I just dont want to. Also in a sense it seemed to make us both more aware of each others feelings and the pain and confusion that went with the breakup. Somehow I feel that we couldnt go back to the place that we were in before things ended. We are in a new place and to be honest I really like that new place.....