Friday, November 16, 2007

Overwhelmed

I am feeling really crappy this morning. I am not sure why, but I am just feeling very overwhelmed this morning. I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders and everything seems a little out of sync. Things are a bit tense at home. For no real reason actually. Everyone is irritated and snappy and it is really pissing me off. And lets not forget the double standards - that is just grating on my nerves. I honestly feel to cry. Nothing really happened, but I think there is like some bad karma or something about.....

Work is also not really going very nicely at the moment. Things are just a tad bit screwed up. Funny enough this time it has nothing to do with my boss. In fact she has been nothing but nice and very supportive of my indecisive state of where I want to go with my career. Its my customers; internal business partners that are just pissing me off totally. They are just too slow and to be honest a bit irritating. I feel like my life is screaming for a change career wise - but what and where. Everytime I apply for stuff and think that things are going to be fine, things go horribly pear-shaped that I begin to wonder and question if I must move. But I am frustrated and irritated and really feel that I have reached my sell-by date with what I am currently doing. I dont freaking know what to do. What will interest me? What will I enjoy doing? What if I move and I hate it? Aaargh all these questions and no sense of direction. I often look at others who seem so happy and content with what they are doing with a certain amount of envy. And im not meaning envy in a bad way. I also want to be happy and content and love what I do. I also feel that what I studied and what I am doing is 2 different things, which leaves me feeling very frustrated.

To top it all, I miss Sweets. Sweets as in T. Thats my name for him, I just love calling him that. I love that he keeps in touch via sms, but that doesnt make me miss him any less. I miss hearing his voice and the fact that he has that ability to make me smile, no matter how crap I'm feeling. I just miss him sooo much and am feeling really lonely, cos I miss the fact that I cant just pick up the phone and call him..... This 6 weeks thing is really stretching like forever....

I had the most interesting well rather lack there of conversation with someone who I met for the first time. I went to the airport to leave my aunt who also left for overseas yesterday. I must admit that although this is my mum's sister we are not entirely that close with them. They live really far away and through some or other dramatic saga happening at the time, dont really visit them that often. So I dont really have that much in common with my cousins, it's kind of weird - arent cousins supposed to be close or something. Well anyway, back to the point, there was this girl there, who is married into the extended family and whom obviously I have never met. We were there really early and decided to grab some coffee and breakfast. While we were seated at the coffee shop, I ended up sitting next to the girl in question. She and I proceeded to have the following conversation:

Girl: so are you married?
Me: No, im not.
Girl: So how old are you?
Me: Smiling now, I am 25.
Girl: So do you work?
Me: Umm yes, I do.
Girl: Where?
Me: Umm at ............
Girl: So do you drive?
Me: Yes trying not to laugh

End of conversation....

I mean what the F. This girl didnt even bother to ask me my name, where I'm from nothing. She probably thinks Shame, look at her, she is so old and not yet married. Unfortunately that's how life works in your typical Muslim community. You have to go to school, get married and have children. Now I would probably be classified in the weird category and I must admit that are a lot of people who would fall into this category. However there are also a whole lot of them who think that gettting married and having kids is what life is supposed to be. I mean really. What gives? This girl is married, she is younger than me, they have a kid and her husband is still trying to finish some or other qualification. They are supported by their parents and they think that this is life. But what about money and security and all the other not nice things that real life is all about..... Im not saying that I dont want to marry, hell I do and I do want to have kids. I could have had that all last year if I wanted to. It would have saved me a broken heart at the same time. But I just felt that T and I couldnt get married just because everyone else was pressurizing us to do so. It has to be right for both of us. And to be honest when we got back together and decided to try again, im glad that the whole world didnt know about it. So we managed to sort out the shit that caused us to break up without that same inteferences as before. If I have to be honest, despite all the pain and the heartache, we are both in a more mature place than where we were before. And the thought of marriage doesnt scare me anymore. Infact when T told me that he wants to get married and make things official when he comes back, there was a genuine smile on my face. I am not saying that the thought doesnt scare me anymore, I think I am not as aversive to it as I was than.... So yeah - I firmly believe that there is a time and place for everything. You cant do something just because everyone else is...... That is just lame and will probably end up being the biggest mistake ever....

3 comments:

KaB said...

Pucker up sweet cheeks...at the end of the dreary few weeks that you appear to be having, there is a silver lining...T is coming back & he wants your beef...nice!

Lucky girl really!

Hope you find what you're looking for re: your career etc! And not to worry...you're not alone there either...

boldly benny said...

Hey Blue, shame love sounds like a lot is bogging you down at the moment. But I think you're alot like me in that when one area of your life is going bad, it feels like the whole world is collapsing and you almost seem to look at all that is wrong in your life.

Try and focus on the one thing that is upsetting you and that you are struggling with.

I'm sure you must be missing your man but reunions are amazing. Perhaps when you are missing him try writing down what you are missing and what you are looking forward to when you see him again - might be something fun to share with him when he returns.

As for the career, remember you're only 25. There is no ways you can have all the answers and how terrifying to think that this is what you'll do forever - go with what feels right for right now. In fact try to adopt that policy to all areas of your life and it might help ease your burden.

Good luck love and hope you have a better week this week xB

Blue Sunflower said...

Kab - thanks for the sweet words. You sound like such a fun gal.....
I cant wait for T to come back - its like sweet torture, but Im looking forward to his return ;)

As for the career I think that sometimes I just have to go with the flow and not think and analyse too much....

Benny - Hey You. How you doing. I totally get what you saying about focusing on all the negatives. It really can bog one down. Thanks for the inspiration about writing stuff down about the man and what I miss about him. What a cool idea.

Thanks - Thanks - Thanks

Hope things are going well with you.