Blues

I don't know why I have this urge to write. I didnt have a very nice weekend. I got into work this morning and started sorting out files and papers. It's funny how things can pile up and than you end up with mountains of paperwork that is just too monstrous to get through it. I like to think that I am a neat and orderly person, however I tend to loose focus very easily and end up letting things slide. It's something that I have to work on and hopefully get right. I really do have a very low attention or concentation span.

Another factor that is really contributing to me letting things slide is I am not really happy with what I am doing. I have been for numerous interviews and assessments (some which went very badly), but everytime I go for an interview, I get put off about something or other. I keep asking if there is something wrong with me. The main problem is that I am not happy with what I am doing, not with the company that I work for. So what would be the point of moving jobs only to feel this frustrated all over again. I need to sit down and decide exactly what I want to do. I sometimes feel so confused about work and a career path. I look at others who are so happy in their jobs and I wonder if that will ever be me. I sometimes wonder if I even studied the right thing. I have been in this department for close on 3 years. Yes I have been promoted 3 times with a real boost to my salary but I keep saying that I am not happy with what I am doing. I woke up this morning with this feeling that I really need to decide what I want to do. I keep thinking that if I dont make a decision soon, I will probably still be feeling the same way in six months time. Sitting here, feeling miserable and just plodding along.

I didnt have a very nice weekend. The old feelings of insecurity somehow resurfaced and it just made me feel miserable. I somehow lost sight of myself and T and I ended up having an argument. I dont know what is wrong with me. Yes he is friends with a girl and sometimes cant understand it. However he has been transparent with me about it. I mean he took me to meet her, to put my mind at ease that she is just his friend and nothing else. I think that I have accepted it and I am fine with it. Its the other forces in my life that I am bugging about. What will the others think etc, etc, etc.

I have to also realise that T is also his own person and I dont own him. I mean I have to allow him some sort of his own freedom. If i dont, it would just mean that I am compromising his individuality. Its just that at times I feel so insecure and scared. I dont have reason to - seriously I dont. He is nothing but attentive and sweet and caring that I really dont have anyting to worry about. I always question why I feel so insecure. Is it because I have a totally non-existant relationship with my dad, is it because of the one ex-boyfriend who made life very miserable for me. There are times when I feel totally fine and secure and there are times when I feel very insecure and almost feel abandoned. I thought that I was over it in some way or another - but I find that it will resurface at times making things very awkward.

I know that I have to work on these issues and feelings of insecurity. Its not fair to him and it makes me not like the person I become. I have this really great thing going and I really have to get rid of this negativity that plagues me at times. I really am terrified that things might get awry all over again....