Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Emotional Rollercoaster

So I havent written in a while. I have been so busy with work and the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life that I sometimes have little time for blogging. I must say that writing things down really helps sometimes.

I cant understand things at the moment and I really want to. Friday was really awful and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I met him and i was on his turf, which made things very uncomfortable. He didnt know how to act and was acting so weird. He totally ignored me. I caught him looking at me a few times and there were those times that our eyes met across the room. But that was it, no hello. What made things even worse is that our sorry saga is international news and everyone that was there were just looking and wondering about the situation. They obviously dont know the real story and the cause of the break up, but they know that we are not together anymore and they obviously have their own opinions. I made sure i looked really nice, and was just my old self chatting to his friends and family and i must add that his family were really nice and supportive. Which was quite surprising.

So he ignored me, I left at a reasonable hour and went home. Luckily i wasnt alone and the moral support i got from my family was just wonderful. He called when i got home. I was too angry to speak to him and didnt answer his calls. He called about 5 times and than i went to sleep. He called again Saturday morning and again i just ignored his calls. He called again sunday morning, like really early. I figured that i couldnt really ignore him forever and i had things to tell him, so i answered. I let him have it, I was first cold and unfeeling. He noticed how nice i looked, actually commented it. At least all my efforts were not in vain. However nothing got resolved and we ended up talking all over again. When we are together and when we talk its like old times and nothings changed.

It makes me miss him so much.
Today I was really upset. On Monday he insisted that he wanted to visit me. I refused saying that it seems that he has other interests and he shouldnt visit me. He visite,however i was pretty out of it today. Its this rollercoaster of emotions and although nothing happened, I was like a walking corpse.

I know that life cannot carry on like this, i know that I have to take a stand. Why is it just so damn hard. The issue is that we havent discussed exactly what went wrong. He keeps telling me that he has feelings for me and I must be blind to not see them, however its best that we are apart for now. I mean what kind of an explanation is that. Also i am not sure if there are other parties involved. That was my argument on Monday, that if you are busy with other girls than please leave me alone. I dont have any proof, it is just an assumption. He insists that he does not have any other interests and if he did, he wouldnt be calling me.

I am in such a confused space. He is sending me mixed signals and i dont know what to make off them.......

All i say is that if he has other interests than what can i offer him that they cant. With me he still has the past issues which havent been resolved. With anyone else he wont have any of that.

So what gives?????

I wish i knew.


boldly benny said...

Oh this is so hard and I'm not sure whether it helps to say that I've been there. The ex and I had so many unresolved issues and when things were good he never wanted to talk about them. I'd push him and we'd both be reduced to tears and never really find any resolution.
When I finally thought we had waded through everything and things were good he broke up with me. Without any discussion or proper reasoning, the raw pain is still there but I'm working through it. I also know that he is an expert at numbing himself and I'm not sure what yet another break-up is doing to him, especially since I was different. I know his other girlfriends and I know the nature of their relationships, I was patient, I was compromising, I was willing to make changes and I gave him everything. This all overwhelmed him and he ultimately pulled away from me. Although the emotional rollercoaster of our relationship is over, I am still on peaks and dips. Wondering why he couldn't love me, wondering why he pulled away from me and wondering why I wasn't enough. There is so much pain associated with it that I am slowly wading through and some days I'm so so strong and I know I'll work through this and the next, this thought gets pushed aside and I sob about the whole situation.
I do think that things need to be laid out for you - you can't go on like this love but I also know what it's like to be afraid to actually ask this of him for fear you lose him forever.
I hope you can work through this but never lose sight of yourself and what is good and right for you xxB

Blue Sunflower said...


Thanks for understanding. Much appreciated. I know that if i put my mind to it I can do it and not care, but there are times when i really miss him and just want to pick up the phone and call him and chat.

We also used to chat and offload on each other and i miss that a great deal. Also we used to be really good friends so it makes it even harder. Like if i read something or if i hear something I immediately want to pick up the phone and tell him about it and i cant. That hurts.

Also the fact that there has been no real closure. We didnt even officially break up. It just kind of led to it. So it makes it even harder. I know i have to speak to him, tell him how i feel because he doesnt know that this situation is actually killing me.

I just need the courage.....


SaM-GiRL said...

Men are so complicated.