Monday, April 23, 2007

The End

Today is the end of the road for T and I. After what happened this weekend there is no way we can go back to where we were and there is no way that we can start afresh. I write this with a heavy heart and mixed feelings. I so wish that it were not true, that it is all just a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I so wish that I can turn back the clock. There are so many things I would do differently. But I dont have any of those luxuries and I have to face the reality that it is finally over.
I remember saying this in December last year when the first of our problems surfaced and we decided to take a break. Little did I know that it didnt actually end. The day we amicably decided to take a break was the day I stepped onto an emotional rollercoaster with him at the controls. And I know that I was wrong to give him this control but after the rocky few months that we had, i thought I was doing the right thing. Instead of questioning his motives and intentions than, i let it ride thinking that this was the beginning of something new and fresh. How wrong was I?
This rollercoaster ride turned out to be full of delicious highs and crushing lows. There were days when I wanted to close my eyes really tight and savour the highs and there were times when I wanted to close my eyes and open them up again with all the lows gone by. There were a million questions that would circle my head and I would question his intentions but I would never get any answers.
My world was shattered on Friday. I couldnt believe what a bastard he had turned out to be. I thought i knew you, 5 and a half years is quite a long time. I keep questioning, you have turned into someone I dont know. So which is the true you. The one I knew and loved for 5 years or the one that you are now. I dont doubt that he did not love me. I just know that somewhere along the way we lost the plot and it all became a power struggle. He claims I hurt him and I say that he hurt me and we just couldnt come to any sort of middle ground. And the outside interference did not help at all.
I am numb with shock. I am back where I was 4 months ago and I feel like a failure. Had I not listened to him, had I not given him the benefit of the doubt I would have been over the worst. But I trusted him, chose to believe him and he let me down in the most cruel way possible. I have to face reality and the facts that are starring me in the face. This is what he wanted and he just played me along for his own personal gain. A sad reality that I wish with all my heart were not true. But they are and accepting it and letting go is the hardest.
I question where I went wrong, did I push him away and I must say I am not entirely innocent in all of this. However there are limits and he has crossed them one to many times. I know that it is over and there is no turning back, but a part of me still wishes it were not true. A part of me is still in denial.
Friday"s events toppled me over like a huge tsunami wave. It crashed my world and I find myself lying on the floor too tired to get up. There is no energy to carry on But I know I have too, soon.
Thats the bullet through my wounded heart
Only a Word
But I can see its keeping us apart

1 comment:

boldly benny said...

Oh my friend, I've just read this. I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. There is so much that can be said, but I know I can't take you pain - I can identify and tell you that I am thinking of you and sending you all the strength I possibly can xxxB