Monday, April 23, 2007

Was life meant to be this hard?

I had a weekend from hell. The guy and I havent been speaking to each other from about the 10th of April. We had a huge fallout, regarding this whole mess. He refuses to tell me why we are apart and my whole argument was that it looked like I was just fun on the side or whenever he felt like it. His argument was that it was better for us to be apart right now and than he still had feelings for me blah, blah, blah. I decided to take one day at a time, as there was so much of history and ugliness that had taken place in the last few months that maybe him calling me everyday was a beginning to something more.

On Friday I was told some information that left me reeling with shock. I cant believe that this is the same person we were talking about. He called me on Friday night after a whole week of not speaking to each other. I made a mistake of not taking his calls. I dont even know if he knows what I know about him. So he didnt call back and I didnt answer because I was just too angry and miserable. I dont know if I should confront him and verify what I have been told. Will it give me the answers, will it help me reach closure. A part of me wants to call him and than another part of me thinks what would be the point?

I just want to know that why did he call me and act like he still cared if he had other plans. I feel like such a fool and i dont know if I can move past this. I feel saddened by the fact that i thought i knew him but maybe I dont.

There is this part of me that feels that nobody has a right to hurt another human being like how he has hurt me. Nobody has a right to put someone through so much of pain. So i should just leave it and let it go. Than there is this part of me that wants to know, i want to know why he did this to me. Whether I will get an answer from him is left to be seen. I cant go through life wondering, wondering why and how and when? I keep thinking that i will never have closure if i dont ask. I do have a right to ask.

What to do? What to do? I am so confused.


boldly benny said...

My friend I'm so sorry to read you are in such turmoil. I can definitely relate to what you are going through.
You need to do what you need to do, only you are in charge of your healing but you need ask yourself whether contacting him will really help. Will it take away your pain? Will you feel better? Are you prepared for what he might say?
It's frustrating knowing that while we are in control of our emotions, someone else can be in control of how we feel and can effect us so seriously. Part of the healing is regaining control of what we feel and pulling away other's control over how you feel. It's a long, slow road but with love and support we'll get through it.
Thinking of you xxB

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Benny
I dont have many people who understand me at the moment. Everyone just wants me to forget and move on and not think about him. How do you do that? How do you stop yourself from thinkin of him.
Thanks for just listening.