Scribblings

I haven't blogged here in a really long while. So much has happened since my last post and I have been reading quite a few blogs around here and just had this urge to write my thoughts down here today.

So the last that I wrote anything down here was sometime in November last year. So much has happened that I feel like im living in my own soap opera. T and I broke up in December, on Christmas Day to be exact. We ended up having such a row, things were said, he stormed out and that was the end of him. We didnt speak to each other for about two weeks. I eventually picked up the phone and called him and told him that I needed to talk to him.

I needed closure in a sense, if it was over than it was over and i would have found a way to move on. So we spoke and he told him that he loved me very much and he could definitely see himself marrying me but for now he thought that we should just be apart. It was this civil conversation, where we both came to an amicable decision of taking a break from us. I accepted it, it wasnt what i wanted but yeah i was willing to go with it. I was devastated, miserable but yeah i decided that for once i would think about myself. I didnt know what was going to happen, how does one act when you on a break, do you call him sometimes just to let him know you still around or was this just a glorified way of him telling me to take a hike.

Was I in for a surprise? I started work in January after a few days leave and he started calling me. First it was just i just called to say HI, than it was calling me late into the night. I wasnt complaining. Here i was wondering how the hell a break works and here he was calling me. So much has happened, yet so little. He calls me everyday, we talk, we chat. He visits me sometimes, yeah in so many ways nothings changed. Its still the same. However than reality strikes and I realise that nothings the same.

I keep asking why does he call me, why does he want to spend time with me? He answers very vaguely. Last week he totally struck nerve and I told him exactly what I thought of him. In a bout of I dont know what he yells out that the reason why i call you and want to spend time with you is because I am still in love with you okay. Are you happy now? I miss you ok. Those were his exact words. I was stunned, shocked. I still dont know what to make of it. I asked him than why are we apart. He tells me that I just think its better for us to be apart for now.

So yeah i love getting phonecalls and I love chatting to him because even thought we were in a relationship he was also my best friend. But for me life cannot carry on like this. I am not sure if he trying to find himself, maybe we got serious a bit too soon. I am not saying that what led to our break-up is entirely his fault. A lot of my behaviour played a huge part in it and I know I have hurt him. However what happens in all his finding himself he forgets about me? What happens if he meets someone else and I am here waiting for him come to his senses.

These are fears that are too real to me. I realise that he calls whenever he feels like it. I dont really call him. If I do, he is always very happy to hear from me, however i try to avoide it. I cant bring myself to face any form of rejection so i rather let him do the calling. However I am always available. If he calls i will talk to him, if he wants to meet, I will drop everything and meet him. I am too available. So why should he have to make any decisions? All he has to do is call me and I am there, while he can still have his freedom if that is what he wants.

So yeah I have tried to be unavailable and I just end up feeling bad. Also I cant be too hard assed, cos I have tried it and it didnt work cos than he just acts all hard assed too. This is a different breed of man im talking about here. So yeah everyone tells me to stay busy, be unavailable, make him miss you blah, blah, blah.

I just find it so hard and what if its the wrong thing to do and what if i am going about it the wrong way? Also how does one act unavailable when you want this person to phone you and visit you. Besides I than feel so bad, which doesnt do much for my straight as an arrow conscience.

So i am in a place where things are really confusing, really scary and the fear of the unknown just drives me nuts. I am plodding alone, i chose not to say much when it comes to the reason why things ended. I have just been keeping quiet. We have spoken about things that led to the break up but not in depth. I blame him, I say he hurt me. He says I hurt him. He feels hurt by me not wanting to commit and get married. ISo yeah i am in this place that is highly confusing.

In these 3 months we ended up having such a bitter fight the one day that I thought this was it. It was finally over. He came back, called apologised and than started calling everyday. If it was finally over than why did he come back, if he has other interests; what can I give him that they cant?

I have so many questions with no answers. Just me plodding along hoping against hope that things will change and I will get some direction. I love him and I dont doubt that he has feelings for me. I know they are there, but if it means that things are finally over I am willing to move on and make a fresh start. I know it will be hard, but I am confident that I will be able to move on.

What to do? What to do???????