Friday, January 18, 2008

Introspection

The weather's gone pear-shaped again. The load shedding issue is wreaking havoc with work and I feel like I am running a marathon. The only consolation is that at least we don't have any work to do. We have been offline since Wednesday, so that means no emails, no communication except by telephone.

My poor mum is not well and it was up to me to take on the responsibilities of getting my brother to school, making lunches, making sure she is fine, coming to work and still leaving early to open up her business. It's hectic. I am proud to say that I have managed this far. Talk about growing up and shouldering a ton of responsibilities. Granted I do my fair share around the house, but my mother does the majority. So with her lying ill in bed it was up to me to make sure the household runs smoothly. Hectic hectic hectic. I feel her so sorry lying in bed too exhausted weak to get up. She so isnt the type to just lie in bed. I hope she gets better soon, cos I want my mother back.

Sweets and I had an argument last night. Sometimes the happenings of the past get a little too much and I get a bit emotional. I know that I have forgiven him and we are happier than ever, but there are times when I think a little too much and cant understand the reasons behind our breakup. It hurts at times and although he is nothing but sweet and supportive last night got a bit rough. Men are like that - once something is done its done and they dont dwell on issues. Us woman are emotional beings and we have to have reasons to understand and justify stuff. So even though we have sorted things out and discussed the issues that caused us to break-up as well as the confusion that came with it, there are times when I fall a little by the wayside and freak out. I know I shouldn't - I should forget about it all. I know I have forgiven him- than why at times do I feel like bringing it all up again. Maybe I need therapy just to make me understand it all in my own mind.

I am the type of person who will always want to understand what went wrong where. How did things get to that point and what can be done to fix it. I think it helps me find closure in a situation and maybe gives me insight into why a certain situation occurred. With this situation, although we have spoken about it and I did reach closure in a sense - otherwise I wouldn't have got back together with him and I wouldn't have said yes when he asked me to marry him. But its just at times when things come up than the reminders come flooding back. That is not healthy cos I just now that it's going to cause strain with our relationship. I just need to understand a few things.....

Why are relationships so hard at times. They require so much of work - but I know that Sweets and I are worth the efforts and the hard work. He makes me totally happy and even in times of conflict we will always manage to resolve our issues. I am confident and positive regarding "US" and firmly believe that no matter what happened in the past year has only made our relationship stronger.

I am so glad its the weekend. I don't have any plans but after last weekend and the negativity surrounding the guests that were visiting for the weekend, I don't mind not doing anything at all. It is amazing how being surrounded by negative people can totally make one feel miserable, sad and melancholy. We are positive people and no matter what adversity we are going through we will always find time to laugh. I think that is what has made our family unit this strong bond that it is today. We weren't always like that and when we were living with my dad it was even worse. His erratic temper and tantrums would always send us into a frenzy of misery. But ever since he moved out and we managed to get on with our lives - things have been very different in our household. It's like we are on this constant holiday. Yes there are times when we argue or fight - but we will never let it get us down and will always make peace within a few hours or even minutes. Nothing lasts for days and nobody walks around with their faces sweeping the ground.

But last weekend was the absolute pits. We had family over and they are going through their own issues at the moment. What really got to me was the fact that they were supposed to be visiting away from home. What was supposed to be a fun relaxing weekend turned out to be a tense and negative situation with us in the middle of it all. Yes they have problems that they are trying to deal with, but we all have problems. We all have issues that we are trying to grapple with. Their whole negative mood kind of set the tone for the weekend and by the time Monday morning rolled around we were skirting the pits of depression. It was awful. I think that's what got my mum ill as well.

I am all for positives and looking up on the bright side. I still remember when Sweets and I were having all those problems and when he had dealt one ugly blow after another - nobody outside of my immediate family knew what I was going through. I wasn't Mary Poppins but I made an attempt and didn't even let things get bad at home. Yes i cried often and was more often miserable than not but I made an effort and an attempt. But not these people. Its like they walk around with the world's problems on their heads, make their problem everyone elses and just end up depressing everyone else in the process. Its as though they are looking at everyone for answers, sympathy and their opinion when in actual fact they have made their minds up and just want approval that they are doing the right thing. It alls boils down to living for yourself and not for what other's think. If something makes you happy than your decision is half made already. Don't look at others for their opinion cos it will just make you miserabe in the end....

Hmmmm - I think that's enough introspection for one day.....

3 comments:

SleepyJane said...

Hey! :) I so know what you are sayong about eskom! And I've been getting tons of emails having a stab at this 'load shedding' that's been going on.

I'm sorry to hear that your mother is ill - I hope she makes a full recovery.

And I'm also sorry that you and sweets (I assume he's your bf?) had a fight. I also find ti very difficult to just let go - I have to analyze every little thing, I can't help it. I guess it's just how we women are made.

Let's hope eskom gives us a break this week huh?

SleepyJane said...

OMG I can't spell - I apologise. It's early and I'm still half asleep. :)

Blue Sunflower said...

Hey

Thanks for the kind words. Tell me about Eskom and the havoc that all this load shedding is causing. It so sucks.

Sometimes letting go is harder than one imagines - but Im trying ;) lol

Hope you are well!