Worried

Its cold and I don't like the cold. I don't mind the rain but after 4 days of cloudy skies and torrents of rain with no sunshine and not to mention the cold - I really want the sun to come out. I mean it is summer after all. Its amazing how the weather can affect one's mood. I woke up on Tuesday and felt myself spiral into this gloomy haze, just like the weather.

I had an interesting chat with my boss yesterday and I must say that she is really keen on helping me sort out my career dilemmas. It's a welcome change where before she was very hesitant whenever I applied for stuff. However she is encouraging me to apply for positions and has given me guidance and insight into which areas of the business I would enjoy. I was very honest and upfront with her with my feelings towards my current position and she was really understanding. Also I have been doing the same thing for the past 4 years, a change will be good. I just need to keep my eyes open and look out for suitable positions. I hope it wont take very long.

Im so glad its the weekend. Although I dont really have any plans, except my cuz is coming to visit. I am trying to hook her up with some guy that I know, but I am not sure if it is actually such a good idea after all. I don't know what is up with her - but she seems to have this ideal man that she is looking for. I just think that her perceptions are all wrong and she needs to be realistic. She turns down potential dates and seems to be very picky. So I am really not sure if I should even bother. And besides this guy is my friend who I think is rather sweet. So will see this weekend what happens.

I am really starting to bug about sweets and I and the fact that once we married where we are going to live. In typical old fashioned culture, the newly married couple live with the in-laws. The daughter-in-law has to adapt to the ways of the household. In today's day and age I just dont think that this sort of tradition is healthy. When he came back from overseas there was talk of us getting our own place, which is the right or normal thing to do. However than there was talk of us rather living with his parents and I was pretty upfront about my concerns and qualms. I don't have anything against his family. They have been nothing but really sweet and nice to me. However what about our own independance and privacy. Getting married and living together is very different to just dating. We will have to learn to be able to live with each other. Also where will our sense of responsibility come in. I am sorry to say this but his family is a little on the strange side. They are just different. I dont think it will be healthy for us to live there.

I have voiced my concerns, I dont want to find myself in a situation where there will be conflict or underlying issues. At the end of the day they are his parents and in the same way that I would expect him to respect my family I would want to respect and love his. But living together in my opinion will just cause unnecessary drama's which will inadvertantly cause friction and tension. And that will so obviously spill over into my relationship with Sweets. I come from a culture that is very small-minded and set in their ways. I don't know why but often when two people get married, it's as though the girl is getting married to the guys entire family. They expect her to do things that they wouldn't expect their own daughters to do and one wrong move and the daughter-in-law is the baddy. I am not saying that his family is like that. They do appear to be broad and open-minded but I do kind of know them rather well. They are pedantic about little things and petty little issues get to them. They also tend to have little little conflicts amongst themselves and I don't know if I want to be apart of that. I get scared thinking about it because getting married is for life. It would mean forever.

I also don't have very nice experiences from the past. I saw what living with my grandparents did to my parents relationship. It eventually led to the breakdown of their marriage. My dad was too weak to be able to stand up for the rights of his family. I don't know what it is with mother-in-laws from the Indian community. It's like their lifelong goal to be mean and cruel to their daughter-in-laws. I am not saying that his mum is like that - but she is different. And that is what scares me. On the other hand they are his family and I don't want to sound like I don't like them. When we had this conversation a few weeks ago - he was like he wants me to think about it and decide. I was honest and upfront but we didn't finish the conversation. We haven't really brought it up again. There are times when he will say oh you know when we stay here at my parents house it will be like this or that and than there are times when he talks about staying on our own and how it will be living in our own place.

I know I have to bring it up again and discuss it. A part of me is scared of the outcome. I just hope I can make him see reason - cos if I can't than what. I don't want to have to go and live with his family. I really really dont. I am not sure how it will be and that is what scares me. Scares me to the point of making me think twice about marrying him. I know that shouldnt be a determining factor as I know that I love him and he makes me very happy. But I don't know what will happen to us and to me if we have to live with them once we are married..... It's a thought that scares me.........