Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Frustrated

My first day back at work was rather unproductive. It's still relatively quiet around here which gave me enough time to go through the one million and one emails that my inbox was flooded with. But I managed to sift through the junk and get everything in order. I don't like clutter and spent most of yesterday archiving stuff and filing it all away. Clutter is something that really can get me in a tizz.

I have a weakness for stationery. Funny how every year before the school year begins, I will go shopping for stationery and I think it kind of makes me miss being in school again. Strange I know. Anyhoo I bought some stuff and I now have a pencil bag that is brimming with stuff.....

Yesterday towards the afternoon, I was overwhelmed with a serious case of losers. I think taking back some of the workload from the lady who was overseeing it all, made me feel really crappy. Its the same old stuff that I now need to focus on concentrate on. The same old crap and the same old deadlines. It made me feel a tad bit crappy. It just made me realise that I am tired as in really tired of doing the same old stuff. I know I have been saying it for a really long time, but I am tired of what I am doing. I have been doing the same thing for 3 years now. I have become really good at it and there are times when I feel this rush when I get things all organised. But I hate the admin part of it, the tedious tasks of seeing a million people and being the person responsible when the shite really hits the fan. Overall I think I am bored and not being stimulated enough.

I know I am the type of person who gets bored very easily. I constantly need stimulation or my mind wanders and it can make me very upset. I dont know why but its like I have this itchy feeling to try and do something different or new. Funny coming from me, cos I think a small part of me is actually afraid of change. I prefer to stick to the tried and tested. However its making me miserable and a change is something that I really, really need. I think that what I am missing is a sense of adventure of rather a sense of doing something different. It's the mundaneness that is really getting to me.

I must admit that last year, i shelved a lot of things one being getting another job and trying something new. There was so much turmoil and confusion in my life and I didnt know what in the world had gone wrong with my relationship with T. That was the one person in my life that was stable and constant and suddenly everything had changed in an instant and I was wrecked with confusion and this sense of no direction. Work became this one constant in my life that was familiar and somehow made me feel safe and secure when everything else in my life was pretty chaotic. But I now feel that I have reached my sell-by-date doing what I am currently doing. I know I can do it with my eyes closed. There is no challenge anymore. I know I have been saying this for a long time - but I am bored. Bored of my current job. I am feeling very frustrated and almost feel like I am bounded by a straitjacket and I am wriggling to break free. But the decisions lie with me and it is up to me to take a step and make a decision. It is not going to fall in my lap, I will have to take the first step and get the ball rolling.

I don't know where to start and exactly what I want to do or where I want to go. But I do know that I need a change and it has to be really soon. I just hope that I get the answers and somehow something new and exciting comes up. I don't think that I want to carry on in my field of work that I am working now. Yes it might be a different company with a different portfolio but it will still entail the same sort of thing. I need to make some informed decisions and take steps to make a change. I also don't want to make decisions in haste and end up regretting them but I dont want to take too long cos I can feel myself getting really miserable.....

I think I must sound like a stuck record going on and on about this. It's something that I have been thinking about only now. I have been feeling like this for a really long time, and didnt do anything about it. I keep thinking that if I dont do something now, the whole year will go by and I will be still going on about the same things. Even though at times I feel very skeptical about change, I dont think change is bad. I know I am adaptable and will be able to make it if I have to. I just have to put my mind to it.....

2 comments:

Sultana said...

Salam alaikum Sis....

After reading this post I would only say to you: If you dont make the changes you want happen, then changes will happen to you without your permission...That means you shouldnt be afraid to take that last step! Find what you want to do, find the way that you can get it, and then GET IT! :)

Blue Sunflower said...

Salaams

Thanks for the inspirational words. You are so right...

:)