I feel as though I am on a rollercoaster that is dipping and turning and twisting at lighting speed and all I am trying to do is hold on for dear life. The dippings and turnings and twists are all the emotional feelings that I am having at the moment and honestly speaking I just want it to end. I sometimes feel like I am bordering on the brink of a depressive like state and I am really clinging to the hope that this horrible feelings and uncertainty will come to an end soon. It's hard being optimistic in a world that is filled with cynicsm and hate.
So T fetched me on Monday evening. His plans that he was going on about the whole week was dinner at Vilamoura. The whole dining experience was stunning and everything was perfect except that the entire evening was somewhat bittersweet. An anniversary is supposed to mark the day of your union and to celebrate the love that is shared between a couple. Well what was there to celebrate? The fact that we are apart and have this huge barrier of issues between us leaves nothing to celebrate. Anyway we spoke at length about all the issues and I was honest and upfront with him. He keeps alluding to the fact that I don't want to come home. I told him that I am not ready to come home, am really scared to trust him and need some kind of confirmation that whatever happened over the past few months will not happen again. Well we agreed to take one day at a time and take things slowly.
The evening ended for me on really low note. While it was great to re-connect I felt like Cinderella returning home from the ball when I got home. Yes the evening was great and sweet and I was impressed by the effort that he put into the evening but as he dropped me off, I was assaulted by the harsh reality that him and I are apart. I know that we agreed to take one day at a time and I know that I am not ready to trust him or even go back home to him. If I do go back and decide to give this another shot, I don't want to go back with baggage and doubt. It wont be fair to me or him. However the doubts niggle at me constantly and since we are apart I find this one day at a time really crappy territory. How do we work on a marriage when we are apart and although going back is an option, to work on our issues together there are still other issues like his family that need to be resolved.
I feel that T doesn't really understand the true reasons why I left. Or he understands the reasons but doesn't really want to take responsiblity for his actions that led me to leave in the first place. He blames me for leaving and says that I shouldn't have left, and marriage is all about for better or for worse. I keep reminding him that the situation became too hard for me to bear and I didn't just leave at the first sign of trouble. He admits to having a part in all of this crap but I am grappling with the fact that if he can't see how his actions or his family's interference in our marriage led to this, the chances of this happening again are pretty high. Although he seems remorseful and wants to make right, I keep questioning his sincerity and whether he really wants me back or if he is just fulfilling his father's wishes. Also he confessed to feeling torn and in between and he said that eventually them complaining about me all the time just became too much for him to handle. However that needs to be addressed cos they can begin with issues at any time and than all this will start all over again. I know that I need to take a stand and say what I feel and what I want. In that way he can know my feelings and if he wants to stand up and fight for this marriage than he needs to prove it. Right now we are skirting around issues and pretending to chat and laugh and make idle banter when what are we going to do sort out the issues that surround us and make this marriage work. I feel that for him just a phone call is enough whereas since we are married and not just dating there should be more we can do to repair the rift. I questioned him on Wednesday night when he called me at 11pm after not a word from him the entire day. What about spending time together, going for coffee, the movies or just doing random things. I feel very insecure and uncertain and am not sure if I can even trust him. Honestly speaking I get the feeling that T is stalling. Stalling about the baby, the holidays, his family, unable to make a decision???? Not sure. On the one hand he is there talking and trying to repair the damage but on the other hand, there are times when the defenses are up and the hard exterior is up again.
I feel in conflict with myself. Do I take the one day at a time approach and see where that leads to or do I take the bull by the horns, tell him exactly what I want and gage his reaction from there. Honestly speaking the one day at at time approach is driving me pretty nuts. Than there is the issue of me feeling torn between my family and him. On the one hand there is my marriage and the vows that I took and on the other hand there is my family who are insistent that I should just call it a day and move on. How do I throw away 8 years of history. Yes that history is pretty colourful, but whose history isn't. I am just so tired of all this crap. I feel so conflicted in the sense that even though he hurt me and damaged the trust that I had in him, there is still this part of me that cares very deeply for him.
Decisions and more decisions. I keep praying and hoping that whatever happens must be for the betterment (not sure if that is even a word, but it makes sense to me right now) of myself. I am not prepared to go through what I went through these past few months. If T cannot see it than fine with me. I won't settle for second best. I feel quite strongly about certain things, I am just weary about vocalizing them.
I feel really sad at times that things are like this. I never in my wildest dreams thought that things would come to this. T and I always got each other but suddenly I am faced with him being a total stranger and a stranger that I don't like. I feel sad that I got married and made a life with T in good faith and all those plans were ruined. I feel angry that his mother and sister a.k.a The Vipers get to get away with this. They have been the reason that the dad has had several altercations with different people; family and friends. So now it's my turn. I feel angry and disillusioned at T, who I thought was different but who has ended up disappointing me to such a large degree. I am such a mixed bag of emotions and most days are filled with screw-ups, fuck-ups, decisions and paralysing fear.
Why is the question. The reason the Almighty knows. But the questions still remain.....