Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I give up

So it's 2010. It's the beginning of a new year, the soccer spectacular will very soon be upon us and it's the turn of the decade. Hmmm I wish my personal life sounded so upbeat and full of promise. I am still very much in the same situation that I was in when 2009 ended. Infact it's been the same drag for the past couple of months and nothing's changed.

I don't know what the future holds and honestly speaking I am terrified. I began 2009 full of promise and excitement. I had just gotten married, T and I were beginning our life together, work was going ok - things were looking up and the adventure seemed pretty exciting. Than the bombshell dropped and everything went pear-shaped and instead of an adventure, I woke up to a full scale nightmare filled with lies, deceit and monster in-laws. Looking back I don't know if leaving T was the best decision that I have ever made. It was best at the time and although I don't regret it, cos being there was too hard for me, it's hard to work on a marriage being apart.

So my year has begun but I am still very much in limbo and am not really sure where my life is going. Unfortunately T and I are no longer dating so there is a marriage at stake here. I am finding that it's not as simple as just saying Fuck You, I don't need this shit anymore and I am going to walk away. I don't know, maybe I am wrong not to think that way, but honestly speaking I don't want to get divorced. I know that I still love T and I know that if he is willing to show commitment to working things out I would still want to. I am grappling with emotions and feelings and thoughts that at times tend to drive me up the wall. I keep thinking that things cannot carry on like this. However all focus is on the princess who is taking forever to pop and nobody is really concerned about our marriage. It frustrates me that this innocent little baby has got nothing to do with things between us falling apart, yet we have to wait until it's born until anything gets sorted.

As I type this, I realise but wait T and I are adults. Surely we can sort this out on our own. Well we have tried and I think that we have failed. Again! It was fine when he first started calling me. We chatted, laughed and were really trying to just find each other again. It was good, I was nervous I must admit but it was good. I could see that he was trying as well. However for me this isn't enough anymore. I need to feel the commitment and I need to know that whatever happens next is going to be positive and T just keeps stalling and pretending that life is great when in actual fact it's not. I seriously don't get him and we ended up having a really serious fight last week. He went to Sun City during the Christmas long weekend and than he went to Durban last weekend. I was livid and lost it all over again and told him to leave me alone as his priorities were definitely not me and that was the end of him. He came to see me before he left, but I was too angry to care and gave him the cold shoulder and left. I feel disappointed.

My family is angry that he looks like he is living his life like a young bachelor while I as his wife must sit at home. I feel the exact same way and I voiced my anger to his dad who although listened didn't really do anything. I don't get T at all. He calls and is all sweet and caring. He nags me to come home and shows the love and affection that I have been craving for all these months that has been so absent. However his actions don't prove anything. I just don't get it. So yes maybe telling him to fuck off is the best thing for me. But what do you do when you love the person, it's no longer just a relationship that you can end and you know the person that he can be. Honestly speaking I am angry too. Why must things be like this and does he really care about me?

So we are not talking at the moment. He hasn't called since that huge argument that we had and I feel like I am back where I started when I left home. I don't know where this all is heading to and I am terrified of what is going to happen next. I feel miserable cos at least these past few weeks we were at least talking. I don't know what to do next. Nothing works. T still blames me for leaving and can't or won't or doesn't want to see things for how they really are. The baby has become the number one priority, which is all fair and well, I don't begrudge anyone their moment but what about me and my life. Why must I wait?

I seriously give up.

1 comment:

Caz said...

Hey lady, been following u on twitter a while, but havent seen your blog in ages (Im pretty disorganised when it comes to reading blogs and very ad hoc!) Sounds like u are going through awful crap. Something I am really grateful for is that when I got married, the Band and I lived 1000km away from the nearest set of parents - thats not to say I dont love parents, but in the early days of marriage parents can be poison - they will always think their precious is in the right. Sounds like your in-laws have done major damage and another consideration is whether your own folks could forgive T if/when you reunite. Would T ever consider counselling? At least then a qualified professional (who is impartial) could be the one to deduce and point out that his family is a major issue in the relationship!
meanwhile Im thinking of you and sorry that this is such a crap start to the year!