Monday, January 18, 2010

Try and move on

So, I didn't go. I was planning to go much to the dismay of my family, bought some gorgeous gifts and put it together in a really snazzy, classy get up and didn't end up going. Why cos T couldn't be bothered about me, cos he didn't call and cos I didn't have the guts to go and face his weirdness and strangeness and feel uncomfortable. So this is the end of the road for T and I. Our marriage is over and as much as I didn't want this to happen, it has and I have to deal with it.

T and I had a really huge fight on New Year's eve. We haven't spoken since than. I called him on Friday morning (before the mum called) and he seems very angry with me and the conversation was just iffy. When his mum called, I was quite surprised and I honestly thought that I would make the effort to go. However I really expected T to call me, say something about the invite etc etc etc. He didn't call and things just kind of went downhill from there. I called his mother yesterday morning and told her that I really appreciate the invitation but after much consideration I will not be attending. She didn't ask me why or anything, she just said ok. I than sent an sms to T telling him exactly why I wasn't going to attend and he ignored it. I guess if he really wanted me there, he would have called me. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know what sort of reception T would have given me and the last few months while I was living there T and his sister used to really make me feel very uncomfortable. My point is that the reason why I would have went is because T is my husband, I am not some far distant cousin. If him and I were not married there would be no reason for them to invite me and if he is funny and nasty to me what's the point of going and making the whole family happy. For whose benefit?

So this is it. I expected the dad to call or come and perform with me. He usually does that. I sent him a text as well explaining to him why I wasn't going to attend. I guess whatever must be will be and there is no fighting this anymore. Maybe it really is time for me to see the bus in the road and accept that T doesn't want me. He says he does, says he wants to make a home with me, says that he loves me, says a whole lot of stuff but acts in ways that totally contradict that. The reason why we fought was because he went to Durban for the weekend with his new so called best friends. I was also on holiday, his parents have a holiday home in Durban - if he really wanted to "make right" as he so candidly puts it than he could have taken me and went to Durban. I am still his wife and I was pretty honest with him that morning of the 31st. I told him how I feel and that I am prepared to be a wife to him but I also need something back from him. From Friday's conversation, he is angry about the fight that we had that day and the conversation was just weird. He was pissy that I didn't call him sooner, pissy that I went to Warmbaths for the new year weekend, pissy that I left him, pissy that we apart and just generally iffy and weird.

I just feel that this is the end of the road for us. Nothing positive has happened in these past 2 months. T blames me for eveything and is still angry that I left. For me he has to understand there was a reason that I left. If he can't understand that, than if I go back everything will still be the same. It has to come from him. I don't know how much longer I can wait or handle this. Everyday is a nightmare and I go through the day on autopilot. Deep down in my heart, I still love him and I know that somewhere deep down he is still a good person. But I can't fight this anymore. I give up.

I feel very strongly that there is some reason why this is happening. Some cause that has led to things turning out like this. I felt like this even while I was living there. Even than T would be good to me and than nasty. There were times when I would keep to myself and ignore him and he would want to be loving and sweet and there were times when I really craved his company and attention and he would be cold and aloof. There were times when there would be this blank, confused look in his eyes like he didn't know what to do next. I don't know why but I picked up that he seemed in conflict with himself. Look he has admitted to him feeling torn and in between his mum and sister and me, but I cannot change that. I have never disrespected them and it is upto him to maintain some balance. I still feel that there is something that is causing this. I don't know if he has someone else or is he really torn between me and them and doesn't know how to take a stand and stand up for what he wants. I would like to blame his family, but if I look at the bigger picture here maybe T does have someone else or maybe he has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. He can't or wont or doesn't want to fight for me. Maybe he feels that his sister got away with having a baby out of wedlock with no man in sight so maybe he feels that he can also get away with getting out of our marriage.

The unfortunate thing is that if only T can be honest. If he has to say that he doesn't want me, it will have to be fine. It's his right to have whatever he wants. It will be tough but I will deal with it. However he keeps saying one thing but than behaving totally out of context. All the while blaming me together with his mother. I cannot carry on like this forever. The past 5 months have been hell and although it's still continuing I have to make a conscious effort to try and move on. The reality is that this isn't just a relationship where one can decide to move on and never look back. I am still married to him and bound to him by Nikah. I have always said that I don't want to get divorced but I can't make this marriage to work on my own.

Besides I cannot fight what the Almighty has written out for me and no matter how hard I try I keep hitting a brick wall. If T could show some commitment and love and affection I know I would have went back. But he hasn't so here I am stuck and confused wondering how someone could change so drastically and become a person that I barely know.

Although my heart breaks and it feels as though someone is shoving a knife into my heart and twisting it, I can't hold onto something and keep trying when i'm getting no joy from the other side. The feeling is you know where you need to do something and you really really don't want to but you have to. This is one of those situations.

I just have to try.....


Anonymous said...

It's for the best. I've said it before, you deserve better than this, no use beating a dead horse, a relationship always has its ups and downs but it should never involve so much hurt and unhappiness, you will find your true match one day.

Your posts have portrayed such strength, you will be okay dear, just keep keeping on and things will come right for you, divorce sucks but it is far better than being unhappy.

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks anon. I dont feel very strong, but I keep thinking that it will get better....

Azra said...

This T sounds like a f@#$ing child. He should be happy you're not me, I would have become a husband-beater & bashed him to a pulp every day.

On a serious note. I have tried not to say anything because frankly it's none of my business and I don't want to tell you what to do. But I feel a certain responsibility to impart my knowledge, and keeping quiet never helped anybody.

I think you should have went. Let me tell you why. His mother's invitation - the occasion - was bigger than you and T and had nothing to do with you as a couple. See in life we can't always control people and their behaviour - BUT we CAN control how we react. If he wants to be an effing spoilt brat, then so be it. But it doesn't mean that you have to stoop to that level.

I see the Mother's invitation as her way of trying to put things right - and declining is kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. Sometimes we have to put our needs and feelings and wants aside, and do what is right, regardless of how they're acting.

You can still go to them. You still have the gift? Take it to them - go with the intention of making peace and giving respect - REGARDLESS of how they treated you in the past and whether or not you and T will get divorced. It wont mean that you're trying to be buddy-buddy with them. It will just show them that you're better than that. And don't talk about T with them.

The main point here is do good on your part - then at least you know that you did the right thing. Then they won't have a brush to paint you as the big bad wolf because you didn't want to go to their place blah blah blah

And maybe you don't like what I'm saying or maybe you can't comprehend the scope of what I'm telling you - but keep it in mind because one day you will understand. In life, not everything is about us and our needs and wants etc. Your best defense is to control how you react to his inane childish behaviour & their bitchiness - to keep your dignity and integrity in tact because trust me, if you do what is right, no one will have a finger to point at you and say stuff like "but we invited her and she didn't want to come" (people have a way of twisting everything to suite them).

Do right on your part and carry on living your life. Truth is you weren't born attached to T, so you lived quite a number of years just fine without him.

Trust that whatever happens will be for the best because Believe me when I tell you, "There is no strength and power greater than Allah's". And you don't want to be on the bad side of Our Creator. T will get what is due to him when Allah wills it (not when you want it to happen), without you lifting a finger - and the damage will be so much worse than anything you could do.

Because the universal truth is that in life and throughout history, NO1 has EVER just done what they wanted to and gotten away with it...Every action has consequences.

So do what is right, for the sake of Allah and no one else. Because No.1 You don't want to be a part of the punishment and wrath that waits for the wrongdoers and No.2 - Your conscience will be clear.

And maybe all this sounds so abstract and you can't relate to it, but I promise you, I saw Allah's hand at work WITH MY OWN EYES - and after what I've been through in life, I have no reason to lie to you.

This is what I have to tell you today. You have the knowledge now - do with it as you will.

Anonymous said...

Very interestng comment left by Azra. Im new to ur blog,hav read sum of old posts,but not all. is the baby's mum a muslim?and the dad?does he knw abt da baby?why dont they make nikah now?

shameema said...

Firstly, here's a huge hug coming your way. I keep you in my prayers and Im hoping things work out for the best for you soon.

Azra's put all my thoughts into beautiful words. I tried to say it in the last post and did a bad job of it, she's put it beautifully.

Remember, this too shall pass

Farzanah-(aka TheCullinaryQueen) said...

Hi my dear...
I have not been on blogger for such a very long time and was very sad to read about your woes with T---I did a catch-up session and everything that I read, was like reliving a similar situation with a very close friend of mine...

Please, if you need someone to chat to or for some advice, etc; please do not hesitate to contact me---anytime.

All the best and may the Almighty give you strength and patience to deal with whatever the outcome may be for you...

angel said...

Oh my. I am so very sorry that it had to come to this.
It breaks my heart that T is incapable of puttint you- his wife- first and making your relationship work.