Today's been a weird day. I woke up with a sense of feeling and emotion and instead of feeling emotionally incapacitated, I felt like I had made a decision. The knife turning, gut wrenching feeling still persists but it's not too bad, or rather I am not dwelling on it too much. I cannot guarantee that I will still feel like this tomorrow, but I am living for the moment and just feeling like this is so much better than being in the depths of despair.
After a week from hell, I have decided to leave things as they are and see what happens. Nothing I do or say carries any weight and it is just adding to my stress levels. So T called on Monday after a confrontation between other parties on Sunday night. He wanted to talk and wanted me to go home so we could sort out our issues, as he so candidly put it. Well I refused to go there and made him come to me. We spoke and discussed issues at length. He seemed sad, apologetic and remorseful. He said he missed me, wanted me back home blah, blah, blah. I say blah, blah, blah cos this music to my ears moment was pretty shortlived. I refused to go home, saying that we had to start from scratch and we both made a conscious decision to take baby steps and see where that took us. Oh that was not to be. Instead of his family allowing us to make our own decisions and follow our own path towards recovery, they again made it about themselves and put down a whole lot of conditions for when I go back. Conditions that will ensure me becoming the maid around there.
I called T on Tuesday morning and very openly told him that there was no point in him and I trying to salvage our relationship cos I refuse to abide or live upto those conditions. He refused to see reason saying that we would cross that bridge when we got to it. Like hell and by Wednesday T was back to his hard-assed, tough exterior that contributed to our many arguments these past few months. T admitted to his mother and sister telling him shit about me and him trying to defend me but eventually it just became too much. He admitted to feeling torn and in the middle between us. He promised me that he has told them that whatever issues they have or do have in the future with me, they must sort it out with me. That's fair enough but I need to know that T as my husband will be there for me, to have my back and to defend me should they start with their shit again. I don't know if he is capable of that. I eventually called him on Wednesday and told him that maybe we need to get a place of our own instead of living next door to his family. After explaning my reasoning why, he agreed to think about it. Honestly speaking that probably wont ever happen and I have no intention of giving in to their demands so the fact that this might very well be the end of the road for T and I is a huge possibility. Seeing him after 3 weeks on Monday was like a breath of fresh air. The butterflies still persisted when he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I tried to be hard, to show him I was hurting. I could see that he was hurting too. But that spark is still there and I feel sad to think that all our excitement of making a life together is destroyed by his mother and sister.
I can't believe that T and I are not together because of his mother and sister. I have been trying to piece together the puzzle and somehow it all fits. They are the reason why we are in this situation today. It's only been about them and it still continues to be about them. The conditions are for their own gain and T the puppet sits on and watches and choruses with them. In that case, I am better off where I am. Yes, I still miss him and I still long for him and wonder what's he doing but I cannot make the sacrifice that they are expecting from me. They expect me to go shopping with them every weekend, cook for all their masses on a weekend or who knows when and to be there at all times whenever all the massess are around. What am I to them - A fucking slave. Who lives like this in today's day and age? Until T becomes the man he is supposed to be and tells them all to fuck off cos I am his wife, there for him and not them, will my life be that of a maid there. It saddens me that he cannot fight for me and since Wednesday there is only silence. He hasn't called nothing. I know for a fact that his family is putting him against me and honestly speaking there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As he so candidly puts it - they are his blood. In that case I can't. On Monday he was remorseful and sad, Tuesday he was begging me to come back home and by Wednesday the arrogant demeanour which has become so familiar was back again. He believes he told me to come back home and I don't want to so it's again all my fault. So what happened to the baby steps (his words), and the trying again from scratch????
I feel sad that things have to turn out like this, but what about my life and my wants and needs. They are selfish bunch who only want to control and do things their way. Well I wont be treated like that, so I have to give up. Believe me it's not what I want, but I know that I wont be able to meet those expectations. They not willing to budge and T is too dumb or weak to see it from my point and so here I am.
I have decided to leave things as they are. I cannot still stay married and live in my mother's house forever so something, somewhere, somehow will have to give. I am not going to call him and I am not sure if he will call me. I think its best that I keep quiet and see what happens. I can only hope that it will be a positive outcome but sitting in hope for that day to come will not be very wise cos it might never happen.
Do I sound positive - I am trying
Do I still love him - yes very much
Do I still want him - Yes.
Is this the end of our love story - I don't know ???? Only time will tell....