Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Create Understanding

So I am functioning on very little sleep. T decided to call me at 11:00 and we only put the phone down at 1:15. Gosh I am tired. We spoke about stuff, but we really didn't get into the real dynamics of our issues which are his family. How do I broach that subject? I don't want to sound accusatory but I want him to understand how their feelings and issues towards me ultimately led to the problems between us. He keeps asking when am I coming home? Well that would depend solely on whether things have changed or not. I don't want to go back and all the same issues are still present and I still have to pressurise myself into pleasing everybody.

I am grappling with how to put these things on the table and make him understand. I don't want to sound as though I am accusing him or blaming him. I just want to create understanding. Ideally I would prefer us to get our own place, away from his family. I am not sure if that is even possible, since we have this home but there are just too many complications being there. I need to really sit down and decide what about being there used to make me miserable. I cannot go back to live there and do the same things.

Maybe since we talking we need to identify what led to all this in the first place. Yes there is the baby issue but there were many other issues that led to where we are right now. I am worried about doing the right thing. I don't want to accept the newfound attention and ending up at square one a few months down the line or fail at making him understand how I feel and let all this go without really trying. As my therapist said - I need to know that I have exhausted all avenues. Cos the last thing a person wants is to live with regret. All I want is for T to understand where I am coming from. I for one am not saying that I am blameless, yes maybe I was too rigid and maybe I did take his feelings or wants for granted. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again.

I'm going to try and list all the things that upset me about him and the life that we led for the last year and I would like him to do the same. Hopefully we can achieve some sort of common ground and understanding through that. I will try and try and hope for the best. That is the only way. I think!!!!


Anonymous said...

I'm glad he is contacting you, it took a bit of time but I think that's his stubborness and probably thought you'd come running back to him.

I'd suggest writing him a letter broaching all the things that upset you and about getting your own house apart from his family etc, because once you start talking about things to a person they respond with something which leads to a detour and more heated conversation. Just write down what you'd like to say to him, read it over, when you feel its right and its not too accusatory etc, send it to him, ask him to read it with an open mind and say nice things in the beginning of the letter like how much you love him etc but that you need to deal with these issues together.

good luck!

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks anon. Your comments always make me see things differently. Which I really need right now. A little different perspective. Thanks a lot.

angel said...

At least you're still talking.
Strongs girl.