Monday, December 14, 2009

Terrified

A year ago today I woke up to walk down the aisle and become Mrs T. When I said my I do's and signed the Nikah certificate, little did I know that a year down the line, I would be back home and wondering what the fuck happened and where did it all go so wrong. A month and a half ago when I came back, I was dreading the day. I planned to take the day off, take a sleeping pill and spend the day in sleep induced oblivion. About a week ago I decided that screw it, I will come to work and block out the day. As the sun rises and sets on a normal day, so too will the sun rise and set on the 14th of December 2009.

I have been pleasantly surprised since last week when T began calling. Suddenly in all the banter and chit chat and making plans for today. I am not sure what he's got planned (not sure if it's anything worth getting excited about) and although my tummy is filled with butterflies I can't help but feel a little apprehensive that it all might just go pear-shaped and come crashing down like a pack of cards. I am scared, terrified, a lil excited and worried. I want to be able to resolve some issues, not sure if I should take things in bite sized chunks or take the bull by the horns and address all the issues. I just don't want things to turn out into a huge fight.

I am surprised that he is even making plans. My family is not convinced and are quite unhappy. I don't blame them. T has hurt me in such vile ways these past few months so I understand their misgivings. Infact I have misgivings of my own. I am scared and terrified and I know that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed or resolved and I am hoping against hoping that we will be able to resolve these issues and come to some sort of compromise or whatever one calls it. Do I bite the bullet and address them all tonight or do I take the baby steps and resolve them one issue at a time. The latter sounds like a better option to me. Besides the last thing I want to do is lay blame and accuse. I just want him to understand and make him aware of what's what. If he cannot compromise and understand than fine, at least I know that I have tried.

I am terrified.....

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awwww man, what a way to have a first wedding anniversary, can't blame you for being terrified, I agree with the baby steps approach! I guess they say "the first year of marriage is the hardest" because it is true, I hope you resolve all your problems and that your marriage goes from strength to strength. Happy Anniversary! Good luck for tonight! I'm excited to read about it!!! so keep me/us informed :)

(I know I said leave the asshole in previous post/s but you've been together a long time and maybe this doesnt have to be the end, just have to work through things IF he is willing to work at it and not ignore the problems)

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Anon.... Really need the support right now.

Yes I agree about working through things IF he is willing to work through and not ignore all the problems....

I hope that only good can come of this.....

angel said...

Oh my word, thats so very tough to deal with!
My advice would be to take the situation a moment at a time.

Blue Sunflower said...

Thanks Angel....