A year ago today I woke up to walk down the aisle and become Mrs T. When I said my I do's and signed the Nikah certificate, little did I know that a year down the line, I would be back home and wondering what the fuck happened and where did it all go so wrong. A month and a half ago when I came back, I was dreading the day. I planned to take the day off, take a sleeping pill and spend the day in sleep induced oblivion. About a week ago I decided that screw it, I will come to work and block out the day. As the sun rises and sets on a normal day, so too will the sun rise and set on the 14th of December 2009.
I have been pleasantly surprised since last week when T began calling. Suddenly in all the banter and chit chat and making plans for today. I am not sure what he's got planned (not sure if it's anything worth getting excited about) and although my tummy is filled with butterflies I can't help but feel a little apprehensive that it all might just go pear-shaped and come crashing down like a pack of cards. I am scared, terrified, a lil excited and worried. I want to be able to resolve some issues, not sure if I should take things in bite sized chunks or take the bull by the horns and address all the issues. I just don't want things to turn out into a huge fight.
I am surprised that he is even making plans. My family is not convinced and are quite unhappy. I don't blame them. T has hurt me in such vile ways these past few months so I understand their misgivings. Infact I have misgivings of my own. I am scared and terrified and I know that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed or resolved and I am hoping against hoping that we will be able to resolve these issues and come to some sort of compromise or whatever one calls it. Do I bite the bullet and address them all tonight or do I take the baby steps and resolve them one issue at a time. The latter sounds like a better option to me. Besides the last thing I want to do is lay blame and accuse. I just want him to understand and make him aware of what's what. If he cannot compromise and understand than fine, at least I know that I have tried.
I am terrified.....